What would you do if you had no fear?

Seriously. What would you do?

Abby asked me that and this is what I said: "i would talk all the time in class, i would tell everyone exactly how i feel, i would ride my horse, i would talk to josh about something other than random unimportant things, and that is all i can think of." and this is what she said: "i would...i would tell people things i want to tell them. i would jump of things. i would dress differently. i wouldn't care what people think of me. i wouldn't hold back."

I'm thinking about it more. Really what would I do? Or what could I do? Those are two different questions but I'm going to just treat it all as one and make a big list.

- I would talk all the freaking time, because I wouldn't be afraid of what I sounded like or what people thought.
- I would wear whatever I wanted because I wouldn't be afraid if people thought that it look bad.
- I would ask Josh what he would do if he had no fear, which is kind of ironic since you know I'm writing a list about things I would do if I had no fear...so yeah I'm going to shut up now.
- I would have jumped off that cliff in Tobago, the one from the top, 50 feet up there.
- I would ride my horse, actually RIDE him, not just sit there afraid.
- I would have talked to Calrin, or Colin, or whatever his name is Campbell while in Tobago.
- I would talk on the phone.
- I would already have all my driving appointments done and my license in my hands.
- I would wear those freaking contacts like they did make me look like a supermodel, but that one doesn't really work because it's not that i'm afraid to do that, it's just that they don't make me like a supermodel.
- I wouldn't over think things because I wouldn't have a need to.
- I would do stupid things.

Do you think I would have this blog? Do you think this blog is driven by fear? I think in parts it is. I am afraid to show myself by talking. I am afraid to show myself to people, period. So that leads me to this blog. Also I am afraid that my teenage years will be a waste or be forgotten. So with this blog I have everything from my teenage years, well OH MY GOODNESS I JUST REALIZED I MISSED MY TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY, I better not ever get a boyfriend, he'll be mad when I forget our anniversary. Wait when was it actually? I don't even know it. Oh jeez, let me go check. Hahaha I can imagine it now, me running to check to see what day I changed my facebook relationship status. Actually I don't even like the relationship status thing, but that is for another blog post. Now I have to go see when I started this stupid blog so I can get back on topic, I was getting all deep and stuff. It was January 6, 2009 when I made this blog. It has now been two years and twenty two days. OH MY GOODNESS, 2 years 22 days, all TWOS AND TWO IS MY FAVORITE NUMBER! Maybe it's a sign that I shouldn't be afraid. Darn it.

Anyways back to what I was saying, wait what was I saying? Oh right about how this blog is actually just a creation of my fear. Well ain't that the truth. If I wasn't afraid most of the things I say in this blog I would just say out loud and this blog would be pointless. I wouldn't talk about all the things I didn't do, because I would have done them. I wouldn't talk about the guys I possibly like, because I would be talking to them. I wouldn't even have time for this stupid blog because I would be out doing stupid things.

So there you go. You probably knew it all along. You were saying to yourself in your head "This Molly girl is a real chicken for having this blog. Why doesn't she go out and actually do something instead of writing about nothing?" Well guess what, I know exactly what I am doing, and I am going to keep doing it. Wait, did I just say that I know the reason this blog exists is because I am afraid, but I am going to keep being afraid. Why, yes I did. So let me go ahead and talk about a boy that I should be talking about, actually to make it even better I am going to talk about talking to a boy. Oh snap!

I just want to elaborate on "i would talk to josh about something other than random unimportant things." You see what I mean is that I can not think of one conversation where we have talked about something like this, the whole fear thing. Which is perfectly fine, because how long as it been? Oh you're asking the girl who can't remember when she created her blog, sureee. But I do know it was the Wednesday during vacation when I started texting him. I don't know the date. So about a month ago. Wow a month. Anyways let's continue. So you don't talk to people about stuff like that when you've only be talking for a month. How long have Abby and I been talking for? Come on, with the whole dates thing again. But this one is easy. Since 7th grade, health class. So four years. Ohhh-k then. What does this have to do about fear? Because I am afraid to talk about anything more than what we're doing for the weekend, or t.v. shows, or school, or stuff like that. Pretty much. Alright I guess this didn't really need as much explaining as I thought it did.

Sorry I'm in a weird mood tonight. I just started silently freaking out because by accident instead of texting Josh, I touched his name on my cellphone screen so it went to the page to call him. If I pressed the wrong button then I would have called him. So I slowly pressed the button to go back. Crisis averted.

Oh that's something else to add to my list, I wouldn't be afraid to text Josh whenever I want. Currently, because I am a scared little girl, I won't text him back too quickly - don't want to see to desperate or attached you know.

God, why am I so messed up? Why has this world made me so messed up? I've actually had no say in who I am now. Actually forget I said that because I don't want to get into that. I want to go to sleep. I am going to text Josh and tell him I am going to sleep and tell him goodnight and then I am going to wait up until he texts me back saying goodnight.

Alright. Also if I wasn't afraid then I would tell Josh how every night I look forward to that one stupid word and little smilie face. If I wasn't afraid I would just show him this silly little blog, actually I would show everyone it. But that for sure isn't happening. For sure now I am going to sleep. It's 9:56. Goodnight! (:

Do you like it when I give you a goodnight and a little smilie face? Probably not, you probably don't appreciate it because you're just a blog and what I do is just type nonsense into you and post it so I can never get rid of it. Actually I could get rid of it but I won't.

And guess what song just came on shuffle? Hey Molly by Mike Lombardo. Fabulous. Sarcasm. But maybe not really. I don't know. I need to go to sleep. It's 10:02.

Edit: for the quote of the day: "Creative writers are always greater than the causes that they represent." – E. M. Forster (1879-1970) TAKE THAT! and it's still 10:02.