oh this is going to be hard.

i am going to try to make two lists. i'm not sure how this is going to go because i've never really tried to put it into words before. or maybe i have. i don't really know. but here i go. the hardest part will be where to start

Things I Look For in a Relationship:
- he makes me happy.
- i always want to be with him or be talking to him.
- he makes me smile all the time.
- he makes me feel special and fabulous.
- it doesn't matter if he meets or doesn't meet the criteria of the list because i just want to be with him.

Things I Look For in a Friendship:
- i enjoy spending time with friendee.
- we have a good time together.
- get along well.
- can hold a conversation.

PATHETIC LISTS. but that's okay. i'm not sure how much it helps. does it even make sense.

let me make a list of my fears, okay?
- i don't actually like him in that way
- i'll hurt him
- he'll hurt me (but i don't care about this one as much as the one before this one)
- it will be awkward
- it won't work out as it should
- i'll mess up
- it isn't meant to be and i'm forcing something that isn't supposed to happen.
- i'm being stupid.

i guess that helps. oh let me answer the questions abby had.
Do you like his company as friends?
Yes I do. I did enjoy myself last night and I like texting him and communicating with him.
If you knew you wouldn't get hurt, would you maybe try for something more?
I would if I knew I wouldn't hurt him and that he would still be friends if it didn't work out.
Would you feel good knowing you could just stay friends?
I would love to have that guarantee, but no one can have that, can they? Because people change and people make mistakes.
How do you feel when you are with him, honestly?
This one is hard because last night sort of changed things. I like being with him. It makes me feel happy. Like that whole time I felt like I was sort of part of the group and like he wanted to be with me and that's a horrible description. And I don't feel like I've been with him enough. At school it is for two minutes between classes and then half the time we don't know what to say and it's just awkward. And then I've only seen him twice out of school. I've texted him everyday though since bowling.

So this blog post is just me analyzing some more. Because my heart doesn't do anything without my brain's permission.

but let me mention what i said to abby earlier after she said "i don't wanna hurt you", and i said the following which still holds true: "and i don't think i am going to get hurt. but if i do, bring it on because i need to learn. i'm 16 and i haven't made enough mistakes yet." which is me saying that i'm freaking 16, closer to 17 than 16, and i've never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, never been even close to having a boyfriend. all i've had are "crushes" which have never led anywhere. which sort of annoys me but at the same time it doesn't. because i am not just going to jump into a relationship because i've never been in one. but i realize at the same time what you can learn from a relationship and how fabulous it can be if it's with the right guy. i need to make mistakes now so i don't make them in the future. i haven't experienced anything close to heartbreak. but at the same time i think the longer it takes for me to experience heartbreak, being hurt, or some horrible mistake, the better prepared i'll be to handle it.

now i'm back to the same question. so what now? and the answer to that question is i'm going to keep texting josh, i'll talk to him tomorrow, and i'll just see where it goes. i'm not too worried.

okay that's all for now. i'm sure i'll think of something else to say. and just for the record i did not get as much work done today as i wanted to. i pretty much wasted the whole day in my pjs and made some posts. now i have to go tell abby i wrote this.

and it's exactly eight o'clock. and no, it did not take me that long to write this, i started to write it, then played some video games, and then came back. i think it is almost time for sleep. i have a driving appointment tomorrow. great. i'm actually not looking forward to it as much as i thought i would be. but now i need to figure out something to respond to josh with and text abby. okay go.

EDIT: i forgot to mention. is it weird that i am getting rid of one Josh while another one is coming to my life? if that doesn't make sense it is because you don't know that Pride's name before it was Pride was Josh. the girl who owned Pride before me changed his name from Josh to Pride, because she liked Pride better. and yeah now go.