are you proud of me?

i didn't post yesterday. that's an accomplishment right? or maybe a failure? i don't know.

but today. today today.

let's start at the beginning. we were almost late to school, like five seconds not late. because of my mother. we were waiting in the car for her. so i didn't see josh in the morning. and he walks too fast to english class. i swear before every time that i didn't want to talk to him we ended up walking next to each other. but then when i do want to talk to him, he's nowhere in sight. but that is just how it works.

and i didn't talk to him for the rest of the day cause i'm a loser sometimes.

after school i rode and watched my horse be a jerk when one of my riding instructors, Laura, worked with him. so guess what? my mother said that we're selling him! Laura is going to work with him and market him for us. So he'll be gone.

and I don't know what I really think about it all. i didn't start crying about it until i told josh that i was selling my horse and he asked why and i told him and he responded and all. it wasn't what he said really it was just that i kind of hit me that yeah, i'm selling my horse. and it wasn't like i started sobbing. just a few tears but i'm fine now. sort of. i don't think i will be perfectly fine for a while.

do you know that i have a painting of my horse on the wall in my bathroom? every single day i will see him there. my aunt painted him on there last summer. every day. the same aunt made me a pillow with prides face on it, like picture fabric. and everyone automatically asks me how my horse is. how am i supposed to tell them? how am i supposed to tell the girls on my team? people will think that i'm quitting or giving up on him. they don't understand it completely.

and the icing on the cake was that when my mother told me the song "Use Somebody" by Kings of Leon was playing on the radio. that's the song that i said was pride and my song. what are the odds that the time i am told that i am selling my horse that song is on. and now i am never going to be able to listen to that song without thinking of him.

but on the upside i guess telling josh about pride is...good? right? i'm not too worried about josh though. i'll take it as it comes. each day. i'm not going to overanalyze it. i have other things to worry about. if we're meant to be friends then it will happen. even so i still have my phone on my belly so i can see right away when i have a text. and i'm lying down in my bed so that's possible. well my laptop in my on belly and knees and my phone is on my ribcage. anyways.

uhhhhummm. i think that is all. wow. that was kind of short. i could talk about a bunch of school work i'm going to miss because of this vacation. and how i'm stressed about that and all this stuff i have to get done. but i don't even want to think about school.

i think i'm done. i'm tired. i should sleep but i want to keep texting josh and abby. so i'm not going to. i'll just be tired tomorrow. i can sleep on vacation.

i think i might go back to reading my magazine.