Dreams, ooo.

I had a dream a few nights ago. Normally I don't dream, or I don't know that I had a dream when I wake up. Or I forget them by this time. But for some reason I still remember.

We were at the school and in the parking lot for some reason. I don't know who else was there. But I see this truck that was parked in the lot start smoking. And Mr. Touchette was somewhere so I told him that a car was on fire. And he was like oh, let's call 911. And then everyone went to the other side of the parking lot. But then the fire spread onto a tree and we all had to move somewhere else. Somehow the school turned into a house like thing, and we had to go to the front of the house, like near the science wing if it was still the school. And I don't know if this was the same dream or not, but I had to run out of the building and I grabbed my laptop so I wouldn't be bored. But I forgot my cellphone so I went back in and got it. And then I think I texted Josh and told him the school was on fire.

And that's all I can remember. I'm not even sure if that is exactly how it went, but that's the best you're going to get. Now I am going to eat my hot chocolate and do nothing for the rest of the night, before I fall asleep.

I have fabulous friends.

But come on, why did the girl who doesn't like surprise parties get two within 7 months? You should have planned a surprise party for a good surprise party-er. Someone who would have went "OMG! YOU GUYS ARE SO GREAT! I WAS SO SURPRISED! I LOVE YOU ALL! AHH! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!" Yeah I just sort of punched Abby. And I was exhausted the whole time. So it was cool.

But I do appreciate it. A lot. It feels good to know that you have people who care about you enough to take the time to plan this party or to show up to it. Even if it wasn't this spectacular party that I'll remember forever, the idea and the fact that it happened is spectacular enough.

I am so tired. I haven't even caught up on my sleep from the day we traveled for 15 hours, since then I've been pretty much doing something non-stop. Like in a hour I'm going to Bella's birthday party. I should be getting ready for that since I'm still in my p.j.s from sleeping over Abby's house. I had a wonderful time at Abby's house. I should see her more often.

But I think that is all. I could mention how I would rather Katelyn wasn't there, because I feel like she is taking away my friends for her own. Nicole, Jayna, Josh, Colin, and Abby are my new friends (expect Abby, who's old and Jayna is too). They are separate from my Katelyn life. Because Katelyn is a negative nelly. But I don't want to talk about her. Because it is way too complicated, you seriously don't get our relationship. But I don't doubt you get any of my relationships, because I can't just have a normal friendship with someone, I mess them all up somehow.

Um I feel like I should be saying more. I probably should mention something about Josh, since you know he was one of the people who organized the whole thing, but I don't know what to say. I think I should just get ready for Bella's party. Then after that I have to do homework. And I have to charge my phone in case someone decides to text me.

Abby, I hope improv and rehearsal goes well for you, I know you didn't want to go, I could tell in addition to the fact that you told me.

Maybe I'll make another blog post after Bella's party if I finish my homework.

I just figured out on my phone how to make it so it doesn't delete old messages once it reaches 200. I wish I had known that from the beginning, because it would be cool to see how high they got up. But then my phone will probably freak out because of the overwhelming amount of messages. Maybe I should just leave it at 200. Maybe now.

Now I really have to get ready if I want to get in the shower. So here we go. Byeee.

My phone is stupid sometimes.

It says that my last text to Josh didn't send when it obviously did because he texted me back. Now it wants me to send it again. I DON'T WANT TO SEND IT AGAIN, HE ALREADY TEXTED ME BACK MY GOODNIGHT I CAN'T TEXT HIM ANYMORE THAT'S THE END OF OUR CONVERSATION. So now I just have to delete it. Alright I guess I'll just do that.

My mental state should be questioned right now. Or you could just say that I'm a teenage girl, this is normal. OKAY LET'S SAY THAT.

No, really, I'm fine. WAIT SHE SAID "FINE" THAT'S CODE FOR SOMETHING ELSE. It isn't really. SHE SAID...OH WAIT THOSE ARE ALL NORMAL WORDS. I'm fine. NOW SHE SAID IT! HA!

I am so pathetic and ridiculous. Look at me having conversations with myself on this stupid blog on a friday night. Wow Molly, wow. What have you come to?

This is so stupid, no publisher is ever going to want to publish this, my teenage years will go to waste. Fabulous. That is for sure sarcasm.

It's 10:08. WHY DO I EVEN TELL YOU THAT? YOU DON'T CARE! I guess I still have hope. SHUT UP.

What would you do if you had no fear?

Seriously. What would you do?

Abby asked me that and this is what I said: "i would talk all the time in class, i would tell everyone exactly how i feel, i would ride my horse, i would talk to josh about something other than random unimportant things, and that is all i can think of." and this is what she said: "i would...i would tell people things i want to tell them. i would jump of things. i would dress differently. i wouldn't care what people think of me. i wouldn't hold back."

I'm thinking about it more. Really what would I do? Or what could I do? Those are two different questions but I'm going to just treat it all as one and make a big list.

- I would talk all the freaking time, because I wouldn't be afraid of what I sounded like or what people thought.
- I would wear whatever I wanted because I wouldn't be afraid if people thought that it look bad.
- I would ask Josh what he would do if he had no fear, which is kind of ironic since you know I'm writing a list about things I would do if I had no fear...so yeah I'm going to shut up now.
- I would have jumped off that cliff in Tobago, the one from the top, 50 feet up there.
- I would ride my horse, actually RIDE him, not just sit there afraid.
- I would have talked to Calrin, or Colin, or whatever his name is Campbell while in Tobago.
- I would talk on the phone.
- I would already have all my driving appointments done and my license in my hands.
- I would wear those freaking contacts like they did make me look like a supermodel, but that one doesn't really work because it's not that i'm afraid to do that, it's just that they don't make me like a supermodel.
- I wouldn't over think things because I wouldn't have a need to.
- I would do stupid things.

Do you think I would have this blog? Do you think this blog is driven by fear? I think in parts it is. I am afraid to show myself by talking. I am afraid to show myself to people, period. So that leads me to this blog. Also I am afraid that my teenage years will be a waste or be forgotten. So with this blog I have everything from my teenage years, well OH MY GOODNESS I JUST REALIZED I MISSED MY TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY, I better not ever get a boyfriend, he'll be mad when I forget our anniversary. Wait when was it actually? I don't even know it. Oh jeez, let me go check. Hahaha I can imagine it now, me running to check to see what day I changed my facebook relationship status. Actually I don't even like the relationship status thing, but that is for another blog post. Now I have to go see when I started this stupid blog so I can get back on topic, I was getting all deep and stuff. It was January 6, 2009 when I made this blog. It has now been two years and twenty two days. OH MY GOODNESS, 2 years 22 days, all TWOS AND TWO IS MY FAVORITE NUMBER! Maybe it's a sign that I shouldn't be afraid. Darn it.

Anyways back to what I was saying, wait what was I saying? Oh right about how this blog is actually just a creation of my fear. Well ain't that the truth. If I wasn't afraid most of the things I say in this blog I would just say out loud and this blog would be pointless. I wouldn't talk about all the things I didn't do, because I would have done them. I wouldn't talk about the guys I possibly like, because I would be talking to them. I wouldn't even have time for this stupid blog because I would be out doing stupid things.

So there you go. You probably knew it all along. You were saying to yourself in your head "This Molly girl is a real chicken for having this blog. Why doesn't she go out and actually do something instead of writing about nothing?" Well guess what, I know exactly what I am doing, and I am going to keep doing it. Wait, did I just say that I know the reason this blog exists is because I am afraid, but I am going to keep being afraid. Why, yes I did. So let me go ahead and talk about a boy that I should be talking about, actually to make it even better I am going to talk about talking to a boy. Oh snap!

I just want to elaborate on "i would talk to josh about something other than random unimportant things." You see what I mean is that I can not think of one conversation where we have talked about something like this, the whole fear thing. Which is perfectly fine, because how long as it been? Oh you're asking the girl who can't remember when she created her blog, sureee. But I do know it was the Wednesday during vacation when I started texting him. I don't know the date. So about a month ago. Wow a month. Anyways let's continue. So you don't talk to people about stuff like that when you've only be talking for a month. How long have Abby and I been talking for? Come on, with the whole dates thing again. But this one is easy. Since 7th grade, health class. So four years. Ohhh-k then. What does this have to do about fear? Because I am afraid to talk about anything more than what we're doing for the weekend, or t.v. shows, or school, or stuff like that. Pretty much. Alright I guess this didn't really need as much explaining as I thought it did.

Sorry I'm in a weird mood tonight. I just started silently freaking out because by accident instead of texting Josh, I touched his name on my cellphone screen so it went to the page to call him. If I pressed the wrong button then I would have called him. So I slowly pressed the button to go back. Crisis averted.

Oh that's something else to add to my list, I wouldn't be afraid to text Josh whenever I want. Currently, because I am a scared little girl, I won't text him back too quickly - don't want to see to desperate or attached you know.

God, why am I so messed up? Why has this world made me so messed up? I've actually had no say in who I am now. Actually forget I said that because I don't want to get into that. I want to go to sleep. I am going to text Josh and tell him I am going to sleep and tell him goodnight and then I am going to wait up until he texts me back saying goodnight.

Alright. Also if I wasn't afraid then I would tell Josh how every night I look forward to that one stupid word and little smilie face. If I wasn't afraid I would just show him this silly little blog, actually I would show everyone it. But that for sure isn't happening. For sure now I am going to sleep. It's 9:56. Goodnight! (:

Do you like it when I give you a goodnight and a little smilie face? Probably not, you probably don't appreciate it because you're just a blog and what I do is just type nonsense into you and post it so I can never get rid of it. Actually I could get rid of it but I won't.

And guess what song just came on shuffle? Hey Molly by Mike Lombardo. Fabulous. Sarcasm. But maybe not really. I don't know. I need to go to sleep. It's 10:02.

Edit: for the quote of the day: "Creative writers are always greater than the causes that they represent." – E. M. Forster (1879-1970) TAKE THAT! and it's still 10:02.

I have contacts? What is this nonsense?

Odds and Ends.

Today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Everything went well. Does that mean that tomorrow isn't going to be good? Because for every up there has to be a down, right? I'm actually not sure if I believe that.

I should be studying for my chemistry midterm but I'm so tired so I don't think that is going to work. I was supposed to do a spanish article but instead I did stuff for my new virtual high school class. I'm so excited for that. I didn't get to do Chinese because it was fill but I'm going to take International Business. And so far so COOL. Yeah.

Um. I don't have much to talk about. Aleia (you spell her name differently but i'm too lazy to look it up) came over the last day, because she was "sick" so she stayed home from school. So I got to see her, which was lovely. Oh that reminds me that I have to download Skype so I can talk to them.

I don't really have anything to say. 20 posts until 700. Um. I'm tired. And I'm watching tv. Ice cream? Maybe. Snow day tomorrow? Probably two hour delay. Okay enough of this nonsense.

It's amazing how one word can make me happy. But if someone else said it, it wouldn't mean a thing to me.

If you haven't guessed already I just received a one word text from Josh saying "Goodnight =)"

I still believe you can't have a relationship based on off only texts but that doesn't mean you can't be happy when someone texts you.

I think I am going to sleep better tonight than I have since...January 14th. Yes, I just checked that on my phone.

I wonder if that word means as much to him as it does to me. Well you would think it does, since he consistently says it every night we text. Anyways I need to go to sleep now that I got my goodnight text.

(:

A Relationship Through Texts, How Cute, Not.

I have a ton of things to talk about but there is one thing I want to talk about.

Bella Brogle and her new relationship with Timber Lewinski. So her mother and his mother were friends, so the two of them always played with each other when they were younger. And then they didn't talk for years. Then at the beginning of this year they found each other on facebook and began texting each other. They texted each other a lot, but I don't think that they ever saw each other in person. Well if they did Bella didn't tell me about it and there was no mention of it on facebook. And now they are in a relationship. Can I even say they are dating if they haven't seen each other?

Ah that frustrates me so much. You can't have a relationship based off of text messages, or the internet. You don't see a whole side to the person. They could type up whatever they wanted. They could be lying. Even if they aren't lying you don't know what they are like in person. Maybe they are extremely annoying. Maybe you just don't get along. Anyone can text back and forth but not everyone can get along so well in person.

So while all of this was happening this post came up on tumblr. Somebody asked someone this question "What's it like being in a relationship with someone you haven't met in person?" and I should give you their whole response but it's sort of long. Actually I will then I will just talk about the parts I want, ignore names and such:
"Well i know this was meant to be for Shannon, but I’m sorry I’m attacking her page and giving you my presense instead. I believe a relationship with someone you haven’t met in person just yet is even better than a normal “We met in high school” relationship. I know some or many might disagree but how awesome is it that we’ve fell in love without even knowing each others flaws that come out only in person.. We love each other for only what we are and what we know about each other. We love the way each other looks and everything that has to do with each other and I feel like it’s so much more powerful, that first kiss, that first touch, that first everything will be nothing of the ones like those other people who see their loved one every day is.. Once we do get to be together I’m never leaving her side that’s for sure.. I feel as though our love is so much more powerful than many and it’s so much more true and sincere. To know that each other could be with someone else at any given point and you would never know is so scary, but to be able to have that much trust in someone is amazing. It’s just such a full love with no bullshit or lies, she’s my bestfriend in the whole world and I’m that to her and it’s just amazing to wake up every morning no matter what I’m going through and know I have Shannon in my life and as my own."

So that is all nice and all but a few things just annoy me. "how awesome is it that we’ve fell in love without even knowing each others flaws that come out only in person.. We love each other for only what we are and what we know about each other." That's not true love! I think that loving someone means loving all of them, even their flaws. You can't just pick and choose what you want a person to see. If that was the case then everyone would love you! You would just be like, Yeah no they aren't going to see all my flaws, so that way they will fall in love with me. That doesn't work like that! And yeah that whole "first kiss, that first touch, that first everything" will be different because you will be seeing if what you know them as through the internet is what they are like in real life! Maybe in real life it will be just like through the internet, but maybe not. I don't think you can say you love someone without meeting them in real life.

Now you might be wondering, "what about you and Josh? All you do is text him." Yes, but I don't love him and I'm not in a relationship with him. And those will never happen until we've spent adequate time together and can talk to each other without it being awkward, because that is important to me. And like Abby said "the part I love about my relationship is being with Colin and learning new things about him" which doesn't work just through text messages, maybe you can learn new things but you can't be next to him.

Anyways that is the end of my rant, I believe that covers it all. It's 8:11pm now in case you were wondering.

last day in tobago = bad mood.

My dad woke me up at like 8 o'clock, saying i had to get up. So I got up and started getting ready. After I got dressed I brought my dirty clothes out to ask where to put them, and my mom's in the pool. Oh and there's Maeve and Maura about to get in the pool. Whatever. So I keep getting ready and then my dad says mommy wants a group shot. So I go out there and she is like No, I want everyone in the pool. Well I'm in my clothes. So she says get changed and come in for one last swim. I said No, you told me to get up and get ready so that is what I did. So in the nice group shot I'm the only one not in my bathing suit. Boohoo. It would have been nicer if you told me that everyone was getting in for a last swim before I got dressed and started packing. Or maybe you could have let me sleep longer, because now I'm ready to go and no one else has even begun packing.

Just get me home please. I'm sick and tired of being with my family all the time. I don't really want to go to school either but anything to just get away. I'm just so tired. And it felt pretty awful seeing them all sitting in the hot tub together. Yeah I could have joined them but I'm in a stinkin' bad mood because of them. Just get me home before I start crying.

Edit: And it's between 80 and 90 degrees here, and -19 at home. I don't want to go back to that. But I want to go home.

sad face.

I'm probably never going to see those kids again. That is very sad. Because I like them very much. It is very very very sad. Like I'm very sad. I can't even tell you how sad I am. Do you realize that I am never going to see them again? Andrea Campbell, Aleia Campbell, Selwin Campbell, and Colin/Calrin/Oldestofthefourchildren Campbell if you are reading this right now, do whatever in your power to find me, so i can see your lovely faces again.

Ah so yeah, it was a good day. First my father made some comment to Ceon like "Have you ever thought about cutting down that tree" so the view would be better. And guess what Ceon did? Cut down the tree. This was a big tree. And he cut it down. Selwin and Colin helped. Oh Colin is TCFR, I'll talk about him later. So that is what Ceon, Selwin, and Colin spent the morning doing that. When I woke up everyone was already here. So we played with Andrea and Aleia outside for a little bit. And then we went swimming, Colin stayed down helping his father, but Selwin came and played with us. So we swam. And then it was lunch time. And Colin went home. He legit walked home. My dad was like "What? No! Let's go pick him up" so my dad and Ceon went and picked him up.

Now you might be wondering why Colin went home, without even saying hi or anything. He is extremely shy and just keeps to himself. Marlyn and Ceon weren't sure how he was going to be with this whole thing. But hey it turned out okay.

Anyways, my dad and Ceon went and got Colin, and then we all ate. We waited until everyone had food on their plate, said Grace, and then ate. Conversation at lunch was a little bit awkward, but the food was good. Marlyn made us some bread pudding salad and some rice and chicken. After we ate we were playing with the DSs for a bit, and Colin went outside swimming, he hadn't said a word yet. He was in the hot tub and my dad went over and was talking to him. Then everyone decided to go swimming. So we all swam around, and Colin pretty much kept to himself. Then we were tossing each other the football, and we tossed it to him a few times but he wasn't really into it. And then afterwards we played keepaway. It was Maeve and me against Selwin and Colin. So he got into that, and we had fun. He still wasn't really talking. And then we played Capture the Flag, and Colin didn't play at first because he didn't really get it, but then he joined in. It was Maeve, Selwin, and Maura against Aleia, Colin, and me. We ended up winning but Maura hurt her foot right as we did so it wasn't that good of an ending, and then no one really wanted to play again. But hey Colin tagged me out of jail, and I tagged him out so we were all good. And then we got out the DSs. and played Mario Cart over and over again. Colin was really good, I beat him once or twice. He beat everyone all the other times though, and he started to get cocky saying things like "I'm the best" but it was hard to understand him. He had the worst accent out of everyone. The kids I could understand pretty well, but him not so much. And then after everyone was sort of done playing with the DS, I was trying to help Marlyn with her computer and facebook, so I was sitting at the table next to her, and Colin came and sat next to me. He asked me if I had Windows 7, but i didn't really get what he was saying for a while. It felt bad, having no idea what he saying. But he sat there next to me humming, playing with the Uno cards the left out, and playing with the cellphone. I probably should have said something but I didn't think of anything then. And then he went down to the apartment and I heard the t.v. on. So I should have said something then but oh well.

Later my mom and dad were saying how they were proud of us for being such good hosts, because their parents were saying how Colin normally keeps to himself and they weren't sure how he would do in this situation. But he was fine, I think he had fun. And the other kids I know had fun. This was a big deal for them. The meal that Marlyn cooked for us was a special occasion meal, like they have it once a year. And apple juice boxes? Whoa. Those are pretty big too. So I'm going to miss them. They are all pretty fabulous people. It just sucks that I'll never see them again. We were talking about them moving the U.S. but they probably wouldn't be happy there. Then we were talking about them taking a trip up to visit, and we would pay for their plane tickets. My mom said that she could see Ceon traveling but she couldn't see the whole family. Which is sad, because it would be really awesome if they all came up. Maybe sometime in the future, now that we are friends with Marlyn on facebook. She disconnected Selwin's facebook, which was why we couldn't find him. He spent a long while trying to get in or create a new one. But Marlyn isn't very computer savy, I had to show her how to upload pictures. Anyways.

Then they left and we looked over the edge and waved, all of them waved back. And Andrea started crying when she had to leave, she was very sad. And now I have to tell you how their names sound - it's On-dre-ah and it isn't really Colin it's Call-in or Call-lyn or maybe it's Call-ryn or Call-rin. I'm not really sure, it was just easier to write out Colin.

Now I have to email back Josh and go to sleep, because I have to go to the airport tomorrow morning. Ah goodbye Tobago. ):

Edit: Quote of the day: "A memory is a beautiful thing, it's almost a desire that you miss." – Gustave Flaubert (1821-1880)
Very appropriate because now the children are a memory, and soon Tobago will be just a memory, almost like we were never there.

problem.

i am a terrible procrastinator. like it is bad. i want to go to school on Tuesday but I most likely won't have all my work done by then. and i want to have it done when i go back. i still have 17 IDSs left to do. a spanish journal. spanish worksheets. probably some math, if i emailed my math teacher. i have two days to do it. Sunday and Monday. Sunday I want to play with the children and Monday we're going to be traveling, I guess I could do it all on the plane, but I also want to sleep on the plane. I should do some now but I am tired and I don't want to. Maybe I can do it. If i wake up early and crank out a ton of IDSs and when I stop wanting to do IDSs i'll do spanish. and then see what i can get done on Monday. and then just go to school on Tuesday. or i sleep in on Tuesday and finish everything then. well let me write a list.

Going to school on Tuesday:
Pros:
- Seeing Abby and Josh, because those are the two people worth seeing at my school
- I won't be miss another day and have to make up another day's work
- I'll be there to get any notes, because it is better to be there than get it second hand
Cons:
- I'll be exhausted
- I might not have all the work done I need to
- I'll have more work to do on top of what I missed

Staying home on Tuesday:
Pros:
- I can sleep
- I can adjust back to life at home
- I can do all my work then and not stress about it now
- I can relax for a day
Cons:
- I won't see the two lovely people at school
- I will have another day of work to make up

I know my mom will let me stay home on Tuesday. And after that I am sort of leaning towards staying home, that way I don't have to stress about homework. I can have fun with the children tomorrow and not worry about homework. I can sleep, and not go to school on less than six hours of sleep, depending on how long I sleep on the plane. Yeah, I really do what to see certain people but one more day won't kill me. Then we might have a snow day on Wednesday. So that would be another whole day. I don't know. Abby, what do you think? I know you want to see me and I really want to see you, but look at it from both sides and what one you think is best for me. Okay, now I am going to eat dessert, read some of this English book, and go to sleep.

I FINISHED ALL THE PRETTY LITTLE LIARS BOOKS by the way. (:

I just came from Church.

We went to Marilyn and Ceon's church today. We were only there for the last hour. It actually lasts from 9:45 to 12:30. But I liked it. And I liked seeing Aleia, Selwyn, and Andrea. Andrea is their littlest one, who came and played with us yesterday. They are all wonderful children. Still didn't meet TC4R or TCFR, I haven't decided which one I like better. But it's short for Too Cool For the Rainforest, I've been calling him 16-year-old. I am pretty sure he was there but he wasn't with his family after Church and didn't acknowledge them during Church. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't come over tomorrow. I don't really care either. I love the other three. And the sad part is I'll probably never see them again after tomorrow. I still haven't found Selwyn on facebook, but I'll have him find himself tomorrow. Now I have to get ready to go to the beach. We're going to spend the rest of the day there. I still have a ton of IDSs to do. I'll get them done eventually though. Okay now I leave.

Dear Abby,

I miss you very much. I feel so disconnected from everything is happening. Even though nothing is really happening. Just the day to day stuff. Like seeing you in the hallway. Or when I come to school in the morning and enter homeroom half asleep and see your shining face. And I would love to see this breakfast food thingy and this whole new food! And stupid stupid snow. Not looking forward to that at all. And that is a strange dream, but also sort of nice at the same time. So I'll give you my analysis on the analysis it gave you. I'll include your original post at the bottom of this one, on the off chance this blog actually becomes "famous" or whatever.

Spring: This is good. Seeing as I am in a warm place now. And when I come back it is sort of going to be like a new beginning in a way, but sort of not at all. And with my relationship (remember, that doesn't mean bf/gf, you have relationships with everyone) with Josh is sort of like a new beginning and hope and such.

Wedding: Maybe this means I'm sort of growing into myself, I don't know how else to say it. I guess like sort of being comfortable and more confident and all. Or maybe that is just because I'm on vacation and I'm just myself all the time, I don't have to worry about school.

Light: I don't really have a problem, so I don't think it is solving anything. Or maybe it is sort of telling me that I'll know what to do soon.

Green: So do you know what comes into my head right away right? Me and Josh. Leaving it at that.

Wedding Dress: Yeah, see above.

Confusion: You should probably see above again. Because this whole analysis can pretty much be related back to that.

So yes I can relate to this. Or maybe I am just making myself relate to it because Josh is on my mind because he is on my mind more than he probably should me, and I just checked my email for an email from him.

Now I am going out to dinner. I'll be back in a few hours.

And Abby's post:

dear molly,
i would like you to come home too. i miss you, i miss being about to text you random things that happen in my day as they happen. because it's hard to tell you everything that i did, and there is nothing really exciting going on anyway! but i know that the next sleep over we have, i am going to show you something for breakfast foods! i made a whole new food today! it was very exciting! i might do it tomorrow! gahhh i miss you! our show didn't happen, stupid snow.
Oh i had a weird dream!
it was another wedding one!
molly these are weird dreams.

this was like a spring wedding, ( i guess) we were outside, (we as in you and i) and there was this weird bright almost green light everywhere, but we could still see well. and you were FREAKING out, but you were speaking really fast and it was not understandable, i kept telling you to calm down and stop worrying. and you just were gblaskdjaoivhe;jklfn"ing and well that was stressful.(now this is the weird part.) it wasn't my wedding. it was yours, ( and i don't know why i was freaking out.)
more things i remember. i had a green dress on, yours was this champagne color...you didn't have your glasses on....okay i am going to look these up...

Spring::To dream of the season of spring, signifies hope, new beginnings and creative endeavors. It is also a symbol of warmth, virility and fruitfulness.


wedding:
A wedding is a union of opposites. To dream of a wedding is most likely to represent the coming together of the opposite aspects of your personality. For example, the couple may represent the fundamental creative forces of life: male and female, matter and spirit, conscious and unconscious, rationality and imagination. This union of diverse forces in your psyche suggests that you will achieve inner wholeness.

light::To see light in your dream, represents illumination, clarity, guidance, plain understanding, and insight. Light is being shed on a once cloudy situation or problem. You have found the truth to a situation or an answer to a problem. Also consider the color of the light for additional significance.


Green:
Green signifies a positive change, good health, growth, fertility, healing, hope, vigor, vitality, peace, and serenity. The appearance of the color may also be a way of telling you to "go ahead". Alternatively, green is a metaphor for a lack of experience in some task.

wedding dress
To wear a wedding dress in your dream, indicates that you are evaluating and assessing your personal relationship.

confusionTo dream that you are confused, reflects your true confused state of mind and the nonsensical events of your waking life. Isolate the single element in your dream that is confusing to you and analyze the meaning of that particular symbol. Alternatively, dreams of confusion indicate that you are being pulled in opposite directions or you do not know which viewpoint is right.

so that's what i got, i think that i am loosing my mind. maybe we have a mind link? can you relate to any of this? oh well. i can't wait to talk to you!
-mee

His emails seriously make my day.

This morning I was very disappointed when I didn't have an email from him and I didn't get one last night either. Every time I got an email I would quickly look to see who it was from. And just a minute a got one from him. It made me smile lots. I didn't even care that it was very late, he said why, and I am just very happy now. I can't really focus on my IDSs anymore even though I told myself I would stop for now after this one. But yes, happy. (:

i want to go home.

and i don't really have a good reason why.
i just want to.

weird coincidences.

first. we were in the car waiting to get by on a road, there was a power line down we found out later. but my father put the radio on and this one song came on that i liked a lot. the one line that i remembered was "i'm no superman, i hope you like me as i am" so i got home and i googled it. and it came up that Joe Brooks is the artist and it is called Superman. I was like "wait a second, i think I like his fan page on facebook" and sure enough I did. I had never heard one of these guy's songs before. Definitely never on the radio. I think I liked him on facebook because Taylor Mathews told me too. Anyways. I had never heard this guy songs before but I go to Tobago and I hear one on the radio. Isn't that weird?

second. at Sunday School when we were eating two guys from England sat down across from my dad and me. my dad started talking to them. one of them is the leader of Sheffield and the other a doctor. the next day after that they showed up at the same beach as us, so we said hi. and today as we were leaving the little fast food place we picked up food from they pulled it and we said hi. what is the odds that on the whole island we saw them three times? i was laughing so hard when we saw them.

um. so today we were supposed to go to the rainforest with Marilyn and Ceon's children. two out of the four came. Aliea and Selwyn. Aliea is 9 and Selwyn 12. they are both fabulous. Aliea wasn't shy at all and held my hand the whole time and just made herself part of the family. Selwyn was this polite little boy who was so nice and was trying to act older than he was. he actually looked younger than 12. at one point i caught him standing on one of the rocks near the waterfall beating his hands on his chest like he was king of the jungle and i grinned at him and he smiled and looked down embarressed that someone had saw him. he plays the drums too. when we were walked up some steps he was making a beat with his hand on the wooden railing. and i asked him if he played the drums and his had heard and said "what?" and i said to Selwyn again, "do you play drums?" and his dad said "yeah he plays!" and i said "that is so cool! i want to learn how to play!" Selwyn is just so cute and fabulous. Too bad he isn't 4 years older. Well his brother is 4 years older but apparently he is too cool to come to the rainforest on his day off. actually i don't know why he didn't come but he didn't. oh well. i am kind of glad that he didn't come, so i could get to know the little kids better without worrying about having a guy my age there. and the 16 year old did come to the house this morning, i saw him on his cell phone once, and he was watching us play tag, and i saw him smiling at us. but he didn't come with us. neither did their little four year old sister but that was just as well. they are supposed to come over for dinner on Sunday. i wouldn't mind seeing them before then, well Aliea and Selwyn.

okay now i am going to go watch some Shaytards and then go to sleep.

SNOW DAY!

well. it is at home. but i'm not at home. so i can't enjoy it. well i still enjoy it because i got to talk to Abby shortly this morning. but today so far all i've done is eat ice cream, eat two pieces of toast with peanut butter, spent too long on tumblr, took some pictures, started to read my book for english and give up, and that's it. it's 12:56. we're going to the beach now though.

but exciting news. we're going to the rainforest tomorrow! i'm excited! and even more exciting is Marilyn's family is coming with us! yeahhh! they have the day off from school tomorrow. it sound be a nice time. and i should get a lot of good pictures. woohooo. tomorrow will be a fabulous day. today will be a nice relaxing day. so yeah! can't wait.

i think i am giving up on the english book and reading the fifth book. ooooooo. rebel. XD

well four days in.

today was a good day. yeah. last night was good too.
we went to "Sunday School" and honestly even if i tried to explain it to you, you wouldn't get it. but we ate at a little place outside, like it was just some tables set up and on one table she had all the food she had made before. it was good though. and what i am guessing was her son gave us our water. he was cute. so if you happened to live in Tobago and your mother ran a little food thing at Sunday School and you have a sister and you wore an orange shirt on January 16th then...heyyyy. And there was also a cute guy who was a tourist there but i don't think he even saw me. he had a younger sister. and he looked kind of like a younger version of Siva Kaneswaran. so if you look kind of like that dude and have a younger sister and went to Sunday School on January 16th in Tobago then...heyyy. is that creepy? probably but oh well.
and guess what? - I was interrupted here because I received an email from Josh, which I went to reply to, and I was distracted by tumblr and i had to transfer to my bedroom. now it's 10:56 so let me finish quickly so i can go to sleep. -
my father invited over our housekeeper and security's children for dinner on Sunday. our housekeeper's name is Marilyn, and our security's name is Ceon. I could be spelling those wrong. But apparently my dad invited them and their children over for dinner. And here comes the guess what part. They have a 16 year old son. :O but the sucky part is that he invited them over on Sunday, they day before we leave. so it's like nothing could even happen anyways. not that anything would. but maybe i could like go to school with them one day just to see what it is like. but can't sorry. or he would be like "you're really cool, want to hang out one day?" and i'll be like can't sorry, heading back to the snow. father, why can't you pick better days to have dinner with the 16 year old boy?
now i must go to sleep. good nightttt.

big exciting trip.

what have i done today?
stayed at the villa all day.
walked down to a museum thing down the street but it was just a creepy lady and her house so we were there for less than ten minutes.
all i've done all day is read, write a little bit of my essay, play a game with my family, eat, go on the computer, and take some pictures.
seriously. i've been on the computer more today than i probably would have if i was at home. and it sort of sucks. sure i'm glad i'm here on the computer instead of at home because it is warm here but it's also kind of boring here. i can't text anyone. we aren't going anywhere. there is no one to talk to other my family. and this is only day two! at least i have my pretty little liars books which make doing nothing worth it.
we didn't even go to the beach.
i think we might be going out tonight though. i don't even know.
so yeah so far this vacation hasn't been too fabulous.
i am going to go play uno with my family now.

it just sort of registered in my mind.

that i'm in South America. so awesome. but you know that explains why we had to go through immigration and customs.

but yeah i'm here. i'm not really sure what i think about it yet. we have an awesome villa but it's weird having a housekeeper and security. as in our house keeper makes our bed and cooks for us. but we have to tell her what to cook and go grocery shopping with her. and she lives in the apartment below us. and her husband is security. yes security is a person. he makes sure we are save from six pm to six in the morning. so he just walks around and makes sure everything is okay. which is weird but it makes me feel safe at the same time. they are both very nice.

um. but the whole vacation thing you know. it's cool. but what is cooler is having people back home who care about you. and knowing that they have to care about you at some level because they text you the entire time you are waiting for the plane to take off, text you while you are walking around miami, text you when you are waiting for your bed to be set up in Miami, text you goodnight, tells you goodnight, then emails you, comes on facebook just to talk to you, emails you back even though you are talking on facebook. so yeah it's pretty nice.

yeah that started off with me talking about both Abby and Josh and then i sort of just was talking about Josh. but i appreciate it very much so from both of them. but i feel sort of bad over here just talking about my vacation. i want to hear about their life too. i don't know. it's still weird. i guess that is relating towards josh because abby and i are abby and i. but yeah. i think i am going to have to let go of this computer a little bit this vacation though. but i don't know what else to do. read. homework. relax. swim. go out and about. well the going out and about part i'll have no control over but everything else i do.

right now i think i am going to go to sleep. it's 10:34 this time and 9:34 at home time. and i'm tired. very tired. i was up at 6:30 home time this morning. and yeah. hopefully when i wake up i'll have an unread email.

i just realized that i don't get to say goodnight to him tonight. i am pretty sure ever since we started texting i've said goodnight to him before i went to sleep. is that weird? is it weird that i've texted him goodnight every night and that he has texted me back the same? is it weird that i would wait to get the goodnight text back before i went to sleep? is it weird that i even care that i'm not getting a goodnight text tonight?

and i stopped in the middle of "is it weird" rampage because i got an email and it was indeed from Josh. and it made me smile lots. and i think i am going to go to sleep now and not think about how things are weird. i am going to smile because that email made me happy. i'll send him an email back in the morning. alright. goodnight for real this time.

goodnight. (:

i'm a procrastinator. and a lazy person.

oh well.
you would think that i would try to get as much done now so i wouldn't have to do it on vacation. but i don't think doing IDSs will seem so bad when i can look out and see the ocean. or maybe i'll be less apt to do it. who knows. all i know is i don't want to do it right now. and when i say "it" i'm referring to history IDSs and english essay. they will get done though.

appointment four: Dylan Taylor (the same guy i've had two other lessons with, he's a nice guy, i like him), Annastasia or something like that, I can't remember her name, and Elisa or something like that. All of them are from Northampton High School.

i'm leaving on a jet plane soon. excited. but there is always the fear that something will go wrong. i think i will be okay though. i'm excited. i'm sort of sad that i'll miss school and i won't be able to text certain people. but at the same time i think it is good to sort of have a break. i'll see how the emailing thing works. i gave him my email address so he has to email me first. but we're still in that weird stage where we don't know if we are supposed to say something to each other and what we should say. and i always blow when i could say hi. like today but i'm not going to get into that because it's insignificant and i don't feel the need to.

um. what else should i talk about? i could but i feel like i shouldn't say that. i could inform you that right now i have exactly 1223 songs in my main playlist. i could talk about my view on politics, or on religion because i've meant to do that lately.

now i feel like talking about politics. sort of. mostly the fact that almost every person around here talks about republicans like shit. they are the butt of every joke. George Bush? yeah everyone just laughs in his face. do you realize that he is a real person? they just act like their ideas are the best and anyone who disagrees with them are stupid. and they just assume that they agree with you. sure these are a bunch of stereotypes but it is what i see all the time. almost every history class there is a stab at the republicans. and it's not even the fact that my parents are republicans. i mean all because they have different view doesn't mean they are stupid. and Sarah Palin? people just bash her all the time. do they see how strong and brave she is? she gets all the crap all the time. she is one of the first women to put herself out there in the realm of politics. but people hate her. why? have they ever met her? gah it frustrates me so much.

plus all the democrats i know just bash the republicans and just assume that you know their views and that they are the best. and my father just says "typical liberal" but he doesn't tell me the difference between "Democratic" and "Republican." they both just look like humans to me. yet we use those labels as a reason to judge people.

now religion? nah. you pretty much know what i think there. there is no way that evolution happened all by chance. this one mutation by chance led a chain of mutations that led to what we are today. look around you. there is no way this all happened without someone controlling and wanting this to happen.

okay that was my deep post full of thought instead of doing homework. now it's dinner. then maybe i'll do homework. but probably not.

i don't feel great today. just lazy and yucky. good thing today is a snow day. i should be getting a lot of work done but i've only done one IDS. i always have worked looming over me that i should be doing. i should just do it but i don't want to.

i don't have anything to write about, i just don't want to do work.

okay i need to lay out a realistic plan for today or else i'll get nothing done.

total of five IDSs. one's already done. 4 more.
at least one paragraph of english essay.

and that's it. that is really not a lot. but i just have to get it done. so let's go do it.

there is a lot of snow. like a lot.

um. i think i need to go do my schedule. then curl up with my snuggie and watch tv and pack for the trip and maybe clean my room. that sound good. let's go get this done.

that sounds like i'm motivated but i'm really not.

today is today.

hey.
i want to keep a list of all the people i've had driving appointments with so that way they can be like "I LEARNED HOW TO DRIVE WITH MOLLY RONAN!" when i'm famous and all. so here you go:
appointment one: Reed, Dylan, Alex
appointment two: Anna (pronounced On-na), Liz Labrie, Neil
appointment three: Vicky Cooley, Dylan (same one from a.1), Milo, and some girl who was on her last appointment and was probably stoned or hung over or really tired and out of it and shouldn't be driving, i didn't catch her name and she probably doesn't want me to put her name here. so there you go.

and last night i was nervous because i made the mistake of bringing up college with josh. well it wasn't really a mistake. i just said something stupid, "i don't know if college is as important as everyone makes it seem, like SATS and such" to which he says "what do you mean? college is important and so are SATs just not to colleges" and i was like oh great i dug myself into a hole there. so after silently freaking about i said "i think they are important, they are just built up so much. but we still have a year and a half. one step at a time. and right now i'm watching pretty little liars and texting you before going to sleep" then he said "yep, no need to rush ahead, just take things as they come =)" and i said "Right. (: can't forget that" and he said "Nope =) Therese still a long way to go, so in the meantime you can talk to me =D" and i said "And I am perfectly happy doing that. (:" and he said "So am i =) But fr now i must prepare for bed, so ill talk to you tomorrow =) goodnight for now"

So i went from thinking i screwed myself over to a very nice conversation.

But yeah is college really as important as everyone says? I know it is. I am going to college. I am doing a bunch of work now in high school so I can go to college. But in 30 years will you look at your career and life and say "the reason I am here is because i went to college." i think it will help but i don't think it is going to be solely because of college. my parents never talk about college, but maybe that's just my parents. Everyone makes college seem like such a big deal though. I'm excited to go and I want to go but still.

And now I am going to watch a movie and text josh and eat ice cream. Bye bye blogger world for now.
And btw today around 6-7ish we got a call saying there is a snow day tomorrow. It hasn't started snowing yet.

"Whenever you come near the human race, there's layers and layers of nonsense"

This is from Our Town by Thornton Wilder (the title is from that too):

"STAGE MANAGER: ...You see, we want to know how all this began--this wedding, this plan to spend a lifetime together. I'm awfully interested in how big things like that begin.
You know how it is: you're twenty-one or twenty-two and you make some decisions, then whisssh! you're seventy; you've been a lawyer for fifty years, and that white-haired lady at your side has eaten over fifty thousand meals with you.
How do such things being?
George and Emily are going to show you now the conversation they had when they first know that . . . that . . . as the saying goes . . . they were meant for one another.
But before they do it I want you to try and remember what it was like to have been very young. And particularly the days when you were first in love; when you were like a person sleepwalking, and you didn't quite see the street you were in, and didn't quite hear everything that was said to you.
You're just a little bit crazy. Will you remember that, please?
Now they'll be coming out of high school at three o'clock. George has just been elected President of the Junior Class, and as it's June, that means he'll be President of the Senior Class all next year. And Emily's just been elected Secretary and Treasurer.
I don't have to tell you how important that is.
...
GEORGE, also carrying books catches up with her.
GEORGE: Can I carry your books home for you, Emily?
EMILY: Coolly. Why . . . uh . . . Thank you. it isn't far. She gives them to him.
GEORGE: Excuse me a minute, Emily.---Say, Bob, if I'm a little late, start practice anyway. And give Herb some long high ones.
EMILY: Good-by, Lizzy.
GEORGE: Good-by Lizzy.---I'm awfully glad you were elected, too Emily.
EMILY: Thank you. They have been standing on Main Street, almost against the back wall. They take the first steps toward the audience when GEORGE stops and says
GEORGE: Emily, why are you mad at me?
EMILY: I'm not made at you.
GEORGE: You've been treating me so funny lately.
EMILY: Well, since you ask me, I might as well say it right now, George,--- She catches sight of a teacher passing. Good-by, Miss Corcoran.
GEORGE: Good-by, Miss Corcoran.---Wha--what is it?
EMILY: Not scoldingly; finding it difficult to say. I don't like the whole change that's come over you in the last year. I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings, but I've got to---tell the truth and shame the devil.
GEORGE: A change?--Wha--what do you mean?
EMILY: Well, up to a year ago I used to like you a lot. And I used to watch you as you did everything . . . because we'd been friends so long . . . and then you began spending all your time at base-ball . . . and you never stopped to speak to anybody any more. Not even to your own family you didn't . . .and, George, its a fact, you've got awful conceited and stuck-up, and all the girls say so. They may not say so to your face, but that's what they say about you behind your back, and it hurts me to hear them say it, but I'e got to agree with them a little. I'm sorry if it hurts your feelings . . . but I can't be sorry I said it.
GEORGE: I . . . I'm glad you said it, Emily. I never thought that such a thing was happening to me. I guess it's hard for a fella not to have faults creep into his character. They take a step or two in silence, then stand still in misery.
EMILY: I always expect a man to be perfect and I think he should be.
GEORGE: Oh . . . I don't think its possible to be perfect, Emily.
EMILY: Well, my father is, and as far as I can see your father is. There's no reason on earth why you shouldn't be, too.
GEORGE: Well, I feel it's the other way round. That men aren't naturally good; but girls are.
EMILY: Well, you might well know right now that I'm not perfect. It's not as easy for a girl to be perfect as a man, because we girls are more--more--nervous.--Now I'm sorry I said all that about you. I don't know what made me say it.
GEORGE: Emily,---
EMILY: Now I can see it's not the truth at all. And I suddenly feel that it isn't important, anyway.
GEORGE: Emily . . . would you like an ice-cream soda, or something before you go home?
EMILY: Well, thank you . . . I would.
They advance toward the audience and make an abrupt right turn, opening the door of Morgan's drugstore. Under strong emotion, EMILY keeps her face down. GEORGE speaks to some passers-by.
GEORGE: Hello, Stew,--how are you?--Good afternoon, Mrs. Slocum.
The STAGE MANAGER, wearing spectacles and assuming the role of Mr. Morgan, enters abruptly from the right and stands between the audience and the counter of his soda fountain.
STAGE MANAGER: Hello, George. Hello, Emily.--What'll you have?--Why, Emily Webb,--what have you been crying about?
GEORGE: He gropes for an explanation. She . . . she just got an awful scare, Mr. Morgan. She almost got run over by that hardware-store wagon. Everybody says that Tom Huckins drives like a crazy man.
STAGE MANAGER: Drawing a drink of water Well, now! You take a drink of water, Emily. You look all shook up. I tell you, you've got to look both ways before you cross Main Street these days. Gets worse every year.--What'll you have?
EMILY: I'll have a strawberry phosphate, thank you, Mr. Morgan.
GEORGE: No, no, Emily. Have a ice-cream soda with me. Two strawberry ice-cream sodas, Mr. Morgan.
STAGE MANAGER: Working the faucets. Two strawberry ice-cream sodas, yes sir. Yes, sir. There are a hundred and twenty0five horses in Grover's Corners this minute I'm talking to you. State Inspector was in here yesterday. And now they're brining in these auto-mo-biles, the best thing to do is just stay home. Why, I can remember when a dog could go to sleep all day in the middle of Main street and nothing come along to disturb him.
He sets the imaginary glasses before them.
There they are. Enjoy 'em.
He sees a customer, right.
Yes, Mrs. Ellis. What can I do for you?
He goes out right.
EMILY: They're so expensive.
GEORGE: No, no,--don't you think about that. We're celebrating our election. And then do you know what else I'm celebrating?
EMILY: N-no.
GEORGE: I'm celebrating because I've got a friend who tells me all the things that ought to be told me.
EMILY: George, please don't think of that. I don't know why I said it. It's not true. You're--
GEORGE: No, Emily, stick to it. I'm glad you spoke to me like you did. But you'll see: I'm going to change so quick--you bet I'm going to change. And Emily, I want to ask you a favor.
EMILY: What?
GEORGE: Emily, if I got away to State Agriculture College next year, will you write me a letter once in a while?
EMILY: I certainly will. I certainly will, George . . .
Pause. They start sipping the sodas through the straws.
It certainly seems like being away three years you'd get out of touch with things. Maybe letters from Grover's Corners wouldn't be so interesting after a while. Grover's Corners isn't a very important place when you think of all--New Hampshire; but I think it's a very nice town.
GEORGE: The day wouldn't come when I wouldn't want to know everything that's happening here. I know that's true, Emily.
EMILY: Well, I'll try to make my letters interesting.
Pause.
GEORGE: Y'know Emily, whenever I meet a farm I ask him if he thinks it's important to go to Agriculture School to be a good farmer.
EMILY: Why George--
GEORGE: Yeah, and some of them say that it's even a waste of time. You can get all of things, anyway, out of the pamphlets the government sends out. And Uncle Luke's getting old,--he's about ready for me to start in taking over his farm tomorrow, if I could.
EMILY: My!
GEORGE: And, like you say, being gone all that time . . . in other places and meeting other people . . . Gosh, if anything like that can happen I don't want to go away. I guess new people aren't any better than old ones. I'll bet they almost never are. Emily . . . I feel that you're as good a friend as I've got. I don't need to go and meet the people in other towns.
EMILY: But, George, maybe it's very important for you to go and learn all that about--cattle judging and soils and those things . . . Of course, I don't know.
GEORGE: After a pause, very seriously
Emily I'm going to make up my mind right now. I won't go. I'll tell Pa about it tonight.
EMILY: Why, George, I don't see why you have to decide right now. It's a whole year away.
GEORGE: Emily, I' glad you spoke to me about that . . . that fault in my character. What you said was right; but there was one thing wrong in it, and that was when you said that for a year I wasn't noticing people, and . . . you, for instance. Why, you say you were watching me when I did everything . . . I was doing the same about you all the time. Why, sure,-- I always thought about you as one of the chief people I thought about. I always made sure where you were sitting on the bleachers, and who you were with, and for three days now I've been trying to walk home with you; but something's always got in the way. Yesterday I was standing over against the wall waiting for you, and you walked home with Miss Corcoran.
EMILY: George! . . . Life's awful funny! How could I have known that? Why, I thought--
GEORGE: Listen, Emily, I'm going to tell you why I'm not going to Agriculture School. I think that once you've found a person that you've very fond of . . . I mean a person who's fond of you, too, and likes you enough to be interested in your character . . . Well, I think that's just as important as college is, and even more so. That's what I think.
EMILY: I think it's awfully important, too.
GEORGE: Emily.
EMILY: Y-yes, George.
GEORGE: Emily, if I do improve and make a big chance . . . would you be . . . I mean: could you be . . .
EMILY: I . . . I am now; I always have been.
GEORGE: Pause. So I guess this is an important talk we've been having.
EMILY: Yes . . . yes.
GEORGE: Takes a deep breath and straightens his back.
Wait just a minute and I'll walk you home.
With mounting alarm he digs into his pocket for the money. The STAGE MANAGER enters, right. GEORGE, deeply embarrassed, but direct, says to him:
Mr. Morgan, I'll have to go home and get the money to pay your for this. It'll only take me a moment.
STAGE MANAGER: Pretending to be affronted. What's that? George Gibbs, do you mean to tell me--!
GEORGE: Yes, but I had my reasons, Mr. Morgan. -- Look, here's my gold watch to keep until I come back with the money.
STAGE MANAGER: That's all right. Keep your watch. I'll trust you.
GEORGE: I'll be back in five minutes.
STAGE MANAGER: I'll trust you ten years, George,--not a day over.--Got all over your shock, Emily?
EMILY: Yes, thank you, Mr. Morgan. It was nothing.
GEORGE: Taking up the books from the counter. I'm ready."

So that is twelve pages (out of a total of 83) from that play that I typed up there. That is my favorite scene from the whole play. It is just fabulous. I wanted to keep it on my blog. So I took forever to type it up. It's 7:55 now.

And just a few more quotes before I'm done with Our Town:
"EMILY: Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it?--every, every minute?
STAGE MANAGER: No."
"SIMON STIMSON: Yes, now you know. Now you know! That's what it was to be alive. To move about in a cloud of ignorance; to go up and down trampling on the feelings of those . . . of those about you. To spend and waste tme as though you had a million years. To be always at the mercy of one self-centered passion, or another. Now you know--that's the happy existence you wanted to go back to. Ignorance and blindness.
MRS. GIBBS: Simon Stimson, that ain't the whole truth and you know it."

Now it's 7:58.

this is why i like being his friend.

fourth post today? let's go for it.

Me: Okay now we need a change of subject. Wanna tell me a story?
Josh: Hmm lets see if i have a good one...have any preferences?
M: Any story would be fabulous, a real one or one you make up. (:
J: Once upon a time there was a triangle named bob, and he was missing a piece, always waiting for his other part to come so they could roll away (seeing as he completed a circle) but everyone who came never fit, bob was either too big or too small...until one day a very small circle came, and said why don't you try rolling on your own? So he tried, and tried, it was very hard, but soon his corners dulled, and he slowly became a circle, able to roll on his own, no longer a missing piece, he was complete. The end. (Thats my lame story for today XD)
M: That is a fantastic story, I love it very much. It made me smile. (: and it wasn't lame at all! :D thank you for telling me it.
J: Your welcome =D Now you tell me a story =)
M: Oh jeez. Give me a little bit to come up with one, but I don't think it will be as good as yours.
J: That's fine =) any story from you will be a good one
M: Once upon a time there was a girl who read a lot of books. She read books because everything always worked out well in books and if it didn't work out well she told herself it is just a book. She fell in love with the characters in the books. Eventually the only thing she ever did was read books. Then she read all the books in the world and didn't know what to do. So she decided to write her own book. But she didn't have anything interested to write about because she had never experienced anything. So she decided to...go do stuff. She was really scared at first. And she didn't know what to say to people, and when she did talk she said the wrong thing. But then she made some friends. They went bowling together, watched movies, and threw snowballs at each other. And she found out she liked experiencing life even more than reading about it in books. (So that is a long and pointless story but I don't want to try to think of another one. (:)
J: That was great =) I loved it, and its true, experiencing life for yourself is even better than reading about it in a book =)

oh this is going to be hard.

i am going to try to make two lists. i'm not sure how this is going to go because i've never really tried to put it into words before. or maybe i have. i don't really know. but here i go. the hardest part will be where to start

Things I Look For in a Relationship:
- he makes me happy.
- i always want to be with him or be talking to him.
- he makes me smile all the time.
- he makes me feel special and fabulous.
- it doesn't matter if he meets or doesn't meet the criteria of the list because i just want to be with him.

Things I Look For in a Friendship:
- i enjoy spending time with friendee.
- we have a good time together.
- get along well.
- can hold a conversation.

PATHETIC LISTS. but that's okay. i'm not sure how much it helps. does it even make sense.

let me make a list of my fears, okay?
- i don't actually like him in that way
- i'll hurt him
- he'll hurt me (but i don't care about this one as much as the one before this one)
- it will be awkward
- it won't work out as it should
- i'll mess up
- it isn't meant to be and i'm forcing something that isn't supposed to happen.
- i'm being stupid.

i guess that helps. oh let me answer the questions abby had.
Do you like his company as friends?
Yes I do. I did enjoy myself last night and I like texting him and communicating with him.
If you knew you wouldn't get hurt, would you maybe try for something more?
I would if I knew I wouldn't hurt him and that he would still be friends if it didn't work out.
Would you feel good knowing you could just stay friends?
I would love to have that guarantee, but no one can have that, can they? Because people change and people make mistakes.
How do you feel when you are with him, honestly?
This one is hard because last night sort of changed things. I like being with him. It makes me feel happy. Like that whole time I felt like I was sort of part of the group and like he wanted to be with me and that's a horrible description. And I don't feel like I've been with him enough. At school it is for two minutes between classes and then half the time we don't know what to say and it's just awkward. And then I've only seen him twice out of school. I've texted him everyday though since bowling.

So this blog post is just me analyzing some more. Because my heart doesn't do anything without my brain's permission.

but let me mention what i said to abby earlier after she said "i don't wanna hurt you", and i said the following which still holds true: "and i don't think i am going to get hurt. but if i do, bring it on because i need to learn. i'm 16 and i haven't made enough mistakes yet." which is me saying that i'm freaking 16, closer to 17 than 16, and i've never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, never been even close to having a boyfriend. all i've had are "crushes" which have never led anywhere. which sort of annoys me but at the same time it doesn't. because i am not just going to jump into a relationship because i've never been in one. but i realize at the same time what you can learn from a relationship and how fabulous it can be if it's with the right guy. i need to make mistakes now so i don't make them in the future. i haven't experienced anything close to heartbreak. but at the same time i think the longer it takes for me to experience heartbreak, being hurt, or some horrible mistake, the better prepared i'll be to handle it.

now i'm back to the same question. so what now? and the answer to that question is i'm going to keep texting josh, i'll talk to him tomorrow, and i'll just see where it goes. i'm not too worried.

okay that's all for now. i'm sure i'll think of something else to say. and just for the record i did not get as much work done today as i wanted to. i pretty much wasted the whole day in my pjs and made some posts. now i have to go tell abby i wrote this.

and it's exactly eight o'clock. and no, it did not take me that long to write this, i started to write it, then played some video games, and then came back. i think it is almost time for sleep. i have a driving appointment tomorrow. great. i'm actually not looking forward to it as much as i thought i would be. but now i need to figure out something to respond to josh with and text abby. okay go.

EDIT: i forgot to mention. is it weird that i am getting rid of one Josh while another one is coming to my life? if that doesn't make sense it is because you don't know that Pride's name before it was Pride was Josh. the girl who owned Pride before me changed his name from Josh to Pride, because she liked Pride better. and yeah now go.

i'm not feeling today. at all.

ever since i woke up i've been tired.
i've been doing homework but i feel like i've accomplished nothing and still have a ton to do.
a book i was going to read i left at school. at least i hope its at school and i didn't lose it.
i'm still in my pjs and its 3:21.
i feel lousy.
i threw my hair up in a ponytail and it actually looks pretty good and no one is going to see it.
i saw my horse listed on a horse advertisement site.
my mom said that when we come back from vacation he might be gone.
i'm doubting if i really want to sell him.
but i don't want to ride him.
i feel yucky.
i need someone to make me feel better.
abby's at rehearsal.
i could text josh but i'm not feeling it.
i don't know maybe i should text him.
or i sit here feeling sorry for myself.
i wonder if when people read this what they think.
do they think i'm a lazy girl who complains to much?
do they relate to me?
do they wish they had been here to tell me something?
would they tell me to go do more homework?
i have school tomorrow.
i don't want to go.
maybe this vacation isn't a good idea.
i have so much work now that i would have.
well i more have it looming over me.
like i should have this essay done for friday instead of next tuesday.
i should do a bunch of history stuff.
but i'm not really complaining about the vacation because i want to go.
i don't want to be in my snuggie typing on my computer.
i need a break.
when are my contacts going to come in?
i want to be able to wear sunglasses.
yeah i know its in the middle of winter.
i want to go sledding.
this is so pointless.
ah.
my life is pointless currently.
eventually it will have a point.
until then i will continue onwards.

do me a favor, tell me what you think about me. tell me how you want this to be. go on a limb and just dream.

sometimes Miley Cyrus has good lyrics. if you don't believe me look at the title.

but i need to just write this blog because i've been thinking about it and my thoughts are confusing me and i'm not going to get anything done until i write this. i woke up at 9 today and couldn't get back to sleep because my mind wouldn't shut up.

so the plan yesterday was for me and abby to meet up with Colin, Josh, and Nicole, see a movie, get some dinner, and hang out in Northampton. when i told my mother she was said "so is it like a double date with Nicole?" and i said "I guess you could call it that" and then she proceeded to say "or is it more like a group outing" and i said "more like that." but then what happens when Nicole doesn't show up? and you end up sitting in the Josh for the entire movie and at dinner? i don't think so.

but the movie was good. before the movie talking was fine. and it wasn't all too awkward. josh needs to stop moving his hands and arms around when watching a movie. i'm not sure if placing his hand down on the seat next to him near me was supposed to be a "move" or whatever but my hands stayed sort of crossed around my body the whole time. not ready for that, sorry. but i consider the movie a success because i didn't pass out and managed to watch the whole thing. it was a good choice though because abby and i liked it and the boys liked it and it wasn't romantic or girly or sad or awkward to watch or anything.

and then we visited my Uncle Dana. i'm sure he probably thought it was a double date thing. but i like my Uncle Dana, i barely see him. and when we were leaving i'm pretty sure he said something like "watch over her" and then abby said something but i couldn't hear because i was already out of the store. for some reason i was the leader everywhere. i guess i knew my way around northampton the best? or maybe because i sort of organized it? not really sure. but anyways yeah i was almost always first. but josh almost always ended up next to me.

we shopped around in faces and thornes and then threw snowballs at each other. or just put snow in my hair. i didn't really mind that much.

the only things i would have changed are i would have liked Nicole to be there, and i would have liked to be less tired because i was really tired.

so heres the next thing i guess. where do josh and i stand? well ever since i got his number we have texted every night. every night we say good night to each other and i will wait until i get the goodnight text back before i go to sleep. throughout the whole night he followed me around through the stores and walked next to me and such. at school we talk when we can but a lot of the time we don't know what to say or whatever. we are already planning to do some other stuff together. and when i go away we decided that we would email each other and give each other updates.

i'm not going to be vague because i can't do that right now. i need to figure out my thoughts. the big question is friends or more than friends? right now the answer that jumps to my mind right away is friends. after last night that answer is clearer. is it possible in the future to be more than friends? sure it's possible but that doesn't mean its going to happen. we still couldn't really have a conversation together without abby. and i wasn't nervous. i'm not sure what that means. but i wasn't nervous, i was more...cautious, if that is the word. like when i wasn't sure what to say, i didn't say anything. and i listened. and watched. i guess. i don't know. it's complicated.

so this didn't really help me figure out where my mind is right now. but it made it sort of clear that what i am going to be doing is the same thing that i have been doing and see where it goes from there. right? yeah.

let's wrap this up. yesterday was a good day. it wasn't fabulous like "OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS BOY I WANT TO SEE HIM EVERYDAY AND I WANT TO TEXT HIM NONSTOP" because it wasn't like that at all. and i feel like i should write more about this but i can't think of anything else to write. so. i guess i'll stop now.

today was a good day. (:

Highly Relevant Picture

i have an incredible amount of work to do.

like a lot. because i'm going away. but i want to relax for today. and i'll probably won't have enough time this weekend but whatever. i'll get done what i get done. i'm going to go to the Cake Boss show today. i'll have my riding lesson. i'm going to do something with Abby and the Rivards this weekend. and it's going to be good.

today was a good day. but you know i don't want to do any more work. even though i have a list of IDSs i should be doing and i have an english essay to write and an article to read and respond to and two books to read.

but i'm complaining too much. the reason i'm complaining about it is because i have nothing else to talk about but i should be doing it. i had wanted to put together a "best of" texts post just for my reference so in the future i can look back and remember and see and all. but i can only think of two right now. so maybe. or maybe i'll actually do work. i don't know.

humdum. i think i'm going to go talk to abby now. i guess. i don't know. i feel like i should be talking about something that i'm not talking about. i don't even care. i guess. but i do care. so. um. this is awkward. i really wish i could ask you what you want me to talk about. i'll go ask abby and write about whatever she says. i just have to wait for her text me back.

she said i should write about the riddle why is a raven like a writing desk. it is vaguely familiar but i'm not sure if i was ever actually told it. but it's comparing a bird to a desk where you write stuff. thats strange. it probably has some deep meaning. or it has some other meaning. google? i think so. oh so it's from Alice in Wonderland.

so here's the answer. when Carroll wrote it he didn't have an answer in mind, seeing as in later versions of the text he included: "Enquiries have been so often addressed to me, as to whether any answer to the Hatter's Riddle can be imagined, that I may as well put on record here what seems to me to be a fairly appropriate answer, viz: 'Because it can produce a few notes, tho they are very flat; and it is never put with the wrong end in front!' This, however, is merely an afterthought; the Riddle, as originally invented, had no answer at all." but originally he wrote never as "nevar" as a pun because "nevar" backwards is raven.

but other answers that could work:
Poe wrote on both. You know he wrote on a desk and he wrote a poem called "the Raven."
They both make notes, which are not usually known as musical notes. Because the Raven's notes aren't very nice sounding. And you know the writing desk notes.
They both stand on sticks.
Neither one is made of cheese.
The both come with inky quills.
There is a B in both and an N in neither
You can baffle millions with both when you try to compare them.

So really the whole point of the riddle was that it didn't have an answer and why waste time trying to solve riddles that don't have answers, like adults do.

So there you Abby. Both are not made of cheese is your answer.

ain't no time like this time.

hi.
ah. i don't really have anything to talk about.
today was a good day.
i might be trying to organize something to do this weekend.
but i'm not sure how that is going to work.
we'll see.
i got 8 idss done today.
and i don't want to do any more homework today.
so i'm not.
ah.
i really don't have anything to say.
i just heard those lyrics that i put as the title and i wanted to use them as a title.
habit i guess.
"maybe its the stardust in my head."
those are some more lyrics from that song.
but this is a waste of my time.
alright.
let me go do something more productive.
like texting people or watching youtube videos or reading magazines.
okay. okay. okay.

are you proud of me?

i didn't post yesterday. that's an accomplishment right? or maybe a failure? i don't know.

but today. today today.

let's start at the beginning. we were almost late to school, like five seconds not late. because of my mother. we were waiting in the car for her. so i didn't see josh in the morning. and he walks too fast to english class. i swear before every time that i didn't want to talk to him we ended up walking next to each other. but then when i do want to talk to him, he's nowhere in sight. but that is just how it works.

and i didn't talk to him for the rest of the day cause i'm a loser sometimes.

after school i rode and watched my horse be a jerk when one of my riding instructors, Laura, worked with him. so guess what? my mother said that we're selling him! Laura is going to work with him and market him for us. So he'll be gone.

and I don't know what I really think about it all. i didn't start crying about it until i told josh that i was selling my horse and he asked why and i told him and he responded and all. it wasn't what he said really it was just that i kind of hit me that yeah, i'm selling my horse. and it wasn't like i started sobbing. just a few tears but i'm fine now. sort of. i don't think i will be perfectly fine for a while.

do you know that i have a painting of my horse on the wall in my bathroom? every single day i will see him there. my aunt painted him on there last summer. every day. the same aunt made me a pillow with prides face on it, like picture fabric. and everyone automatically asks me how my horse is. how am i supposed to tell them? how am i supposed to tell the girls on my team? people will think that i'm quitting or giving up on him. they don't understand it completely.

and the icing on the cake was that when my mother told me the song "Use Somebody" by Kings of Leon was playing on the radio. that's the song that i said was pride and my song. what are the odds that the time i am told that i am selling my horse that song is on. and now i am never going to be able to listen to that song without thinking of him.

but on the upside i guess telling josh about pride is...good? right? i'm not too worried about josh though. i'll take it as it comes. each day. i'm not going to overanalyze it. i have other things to worry about. if we're meant to be friends then it will happen. even so i still have my phone on my belly so i can see right away when i have a text. and i'm lying down in my bed so that's possible. well my laptop in my on belly and knees and my phone is on my ribcage. anyways.

uhhhhummm. i think that is all. wow. that was kind of short. i could talk about a bunch of school work i'm going to miss because of this vacation. and how i'm stressed about that and all this stuff i have to get done. but i don't even want to think about school.

i think i'm done. i'm tired. i should sleep but i want to keep texting josh and abby. so i'm not going to. i'll just be tired tomorrow. i can sleep on vacation.

i think i might go back to reading my magazine.

monday.

so let's make this blog post creative. let's create some scenarios and you have the guess which one represents my day the closest. we're going to use some different names but it really shouldn't be that hard.

Little Susie-Lou woke up the second her alarm clock went off so she could get to school nice and early. She was so excited to go back to school after vacation. She was even more excited than normally because over the last four days she had sent a boy name Timmy-Too over 200 text messages and she couldn't wait to actually see him in person. She put on the outfit that she picked out the night before, at 8 o'clock because she was in bed by 8:30 so she could make sure she got a good night's sleep. Everything looked perfect, her hair was perfect, her makeup was perfect, and she was just radiating. She got to school nice and early and saw Timmy-Too right away. They smiled at each other and he showed her the project he was so proud of. She was proud of it too. And they talked until the homeroom bell rang. Then they both went to their homerooms. After homerooms they walked together their english classes and talked the whole time. Then after fourth period they saw each other again and Timmy-Too said something to Susie-Lou and she made a witty remark that made him laugh and him smile. And then they went off to fifth period. Then they saw each other at the end of the day and she asked him how his day was and he asked her how her day was. And then he asked her to text her later. And of course she said yes. And they are texting at this very moment and she can't smiling.

Susie-Lou overslept. Then she threw on the closest clothes but she looked like a wreck. She didn't have time to put on any makeup and her hair wasn't behaving. She got to homeroom in time and saw Timmy-Too, who she had been texting nonstop the days before, but she was too afraid to say anything so she just sat in her chair and waited for him to leave her homeroom. When he did he didn't say a word to her. After homeroom Timmy-Too was right in front of her walking the same way she was but she walked slower because she had no idea what to say and she knew she looked horrible and she was too afraid. After fourth period he saw her but he didn't say a word and Susie-Lou thought that meant he didn't want to talk to her so she didn't. When school was over they were both at their lockers and Susie-Lou still thought that he didn't want her to talk to her so she didn't and he didn't say anything either. They both went home and didn't text each other all day.

Susie-Lou rolled out of bed at the last possible second without being considered late. She put on the clothes she had picked out the night before but she was so tired because she had stayed up later last night than she should have. She was kind of nervous for school because she was going to see Timmy-Too and she didn't know how their conversations on text messages would transfer into face to face conversation. She wasn't too nervous though because she was too tired and she couldn't afford time to think or else then she would be late. She didn't look spectacular but she didn't look bad either, just average. When she got to school the music was already playing. She passed Timmy-Too's brother but she didn't say anything to him. She went to her locker and got her stuff and the music stopped playing. She started walking to homeroom and the bell rang meaning everyone had to get to their homeroom. When she was in the hallway between her homeroom and Timmy-Too's homeroom she saw both Timmy-Too and Timmy-Too's sister. She said hi to Timmy-Too's sister and then asked Timmy-Too if he finished his history project and he said yeah. And they both went to homeroom because they didn't want to be late. During homeroom Susie-Lou talked to her bestest friend Anna-Lee but neither of them mentioned Timmy-Too. After homeroom Susie-Lou looked for Timmy-Too but didn't see him on the whole way to english class so she couldn't say anything to him. Then when was was walking to ceramics class she saw Timmy-Too walking down the hall the other way. She wasn't expecting him to be there because he is had never been there before. And as he passed by she waved and he said "Today I would go the wrong class" and she just smiled and went into her classroom because she didn't know what to say. When she was class she realized she should have said something like "Don't worry, it's the Monday after vacation" but she didn't because she never thinks of stuff like that on the spot, which is why she prefers text messages. She saw him walking the other way in a hallway after that period but she was talking to another friend and he was too far away for her to say anything. And then after fourth period she saw him at his locker but she didn't say anything when she passed by because she was talking to another friend. Then she was going to say something but he couldn't get his locker open and she didn't want to embarrass him and she couldn't think of what to say again. So she went to chemistry with her other friend and didn't say anything to him. Then later she thought she could have said "Having trouble opening your locker there, Timmy-Too" but of course she thought of that later. After school Susie-Lou went to her locker and both Timmy-Too and his sister. Susie-Lou told his sister thank you for texting her about yucky horse stuff but she didn't say anything to Timmy-Too because she had to get the stuff out of her locker, she didn't know what to say, and there were people in between. Then Timmy-Too left before she was done at her locker and he didn't say anything to her. She didn't say anything to him. When Susie-Lou was on the bus she thought about texting him but was too afraid to so she didn't. And she still hasn't. And she is debating about texting him now but she's going to ask Anna-Lee about all this first.

Susie-Lou didn't go to school today because she was "sick."


If you picked option number three, you are correct. But really this day I sort of realized that I shouldn't be nervous and freak out. Because nothing is really happening. I need to work on thinking of things to say and talking to "Timmy-Too." But he needs to do the same to me. Because I'm sure he was just about the same about of all the emotions that I was feeling. so I have to be the bigger person and talk to him first. so yeah now i'm just sort of like, whatever happens tomorrow happens. i'm not going to stress if something does or doesn't happen. so i think today was a good day for me. it sort of put me into a reality check. so i'm good.

i should be sleeping right now.

why am i not?
because i told Josh not to text me until he finished his project. and he said he would text me when he finished. and he hasn't texted me yet. and i would feel like a jerk if i went to sleep now. but hopefully he was able to finish his project a little bit quicker and will be able to go to sleep earlier than if i kept interrupting him with text messages.
i am thinking i'll just send him a message saying that i'm going to go to sleep and i'll see him tomorrow.
but yeah. smart idea molly. not.

Abby our blogs are twins!

That is because we are both talking about the same thing. But I don't mind. I hope you don't mind. You can tell me to shut up at any time because you never did this to me back before you and Colin started dating. Then again, I wasn't that close to you then. So anyways.

Yes, there was one picture of me from the party where I was on my phone. Which made me smile. Now we have matching cellphone pictures. We're cool kids.

SO I WROTE THAT BACK AT 12:46pm but now it's 7:26. I had to go roller skate. At the 4H holiday party. And at that party I got another picture taken of me on my phone. Of course. But hey that is a sign of a cool kid.

But there are two things i want to talk about. first is abby's blog post because it made me smile a lot. Here is some of what she said: "yesterday when i asked you to text my young gentalman friend, because he was in an odd mood, once he got your text he was still odd, but he was talkitive and laughing and almost giddy. it was great! and he was just was different. it was pretty cool." I was actually going to ask her if my texts changed anything, but I didn't have to because she told me. Which made me really happy. Because I am sure the same thing happens to me too. Like when I went shopping, I didn't buy anything and we weren't even shopping for me. I was just following Maeve and my mom around wherever they wanted to go but I was so happy because he was texting me that I didn't even care. I was all smiles pretty much.

And then this made me even happier: "and he was as crazy about checking his phone as you say you are. i texted him just to see what would happen, and he like pulled his phone outta' know where and was like 'click' 'click', and then glared at me. it was pretty cool." ahhh. at least i'm not the only one acting like an idiot checking my phone all the time, like oh maybe i missed a text. when i get a text a little light on the side of the phone lights up. so i just stare at my phone waiting for that light to come on. then i'm like, oh maybe i missed it. so i wake up my phone and i look for the little text icon in the top left corner. most of the time it's not there and i'm like...molly stop checking your phone. like right now it is next to me charging and when it's charging the light is red so i'm waiting for it to change. and i will be able to see it out of side of my eye when it changes but i keep looking just in case i missed it. silly girl.

the other thing i wanted to talk about. tomorrow i have school. i'm nervous. i'm more nervous for school tomorrow than i've been about going to school in a long time. (note i just woke up my phone to double check that i didn't miss a text) because tomorrow is sort of the test. like if all these texts actually mean something in real life. i hope so. and i hope i can get over my nervousness and you know just be me. and i don't want to screw up or say something stupid or ah.

i don't think i will. i think it will go like this. i'll say "hi" and then say something about the project. and maybe go see it. OR he'll be too busy getting his project all set that i won't see him before homeroom. and then after homeroom i'll catch up with him so i can walk with him to english. but watch, tomorrow will be the one day that he'll be super duper ahead of me and i won't be able to. it would work out like that. and then i would say something about ruining Despicable Me for him but ask if he liked it. and then i would tell him to have fun in english class. and then i wouldn't see him until before fifth period (YES, i know when i see him in the hallways) and i'm not sure what i would say. maybe i would ask if he has to present his board game in front of the class, since he has history next. and then i won't see him until the end of the day. ah then what would i say? i'm running out of things to say. maybe i would say "text me later?" or i don't know. this is so complicated trying to talk to someone whenever you see them when you aren't used to talking to them.

but i think it will go fine. but that doesn't mean i'm not nervous. goodness. wait. the light on my phone just turned white. yes indeed it was him. now i don't know what to say. ah problems. i'll wait a bit because i don't want to text him back right away. because then it will seem like i'm hanging on the phone waiting for him to text me...oh i am doing that.

um. i think i need to stop talking about this because i'm freaking myself out even more. i wasn't thinking about tomorrow until i started writing this.

there was something else i thought about writing about. now i forget. because he sent me a text. oh well.

OH I REMEMBER. my saying for this year is: "It's 2011, I do what I want"

Start this year off right.

WITH 650 POSTS! YEAH! when was my 600th post? let me check. December 1st. Look at that. I've posted 50 times in a month. WAIT i think that is wrong, let me check the posts that i started but never finished or posted because for some reason they count those. oh so there was one that i never posted about the weird word search thing. but i just posted it now. now i think it is accurate.

i'm in a good mood. maeve is watching a movie and yelling at the tv. i had a nice dinner with my family. i got some homework done. i'm exhausted but that's okay. i don't really care that i have to go back to school in a little more than a day. i'll have my schedule back. and everything should be fine. and then soon i'll be on vacation. now the only reason i don't want to go on vacation would be because i wouldn't be able to text josh. but i think i'm getting ahead of myself there. we'll see where we stand with that in three weeks. i can't imagine we'll continue texting each other this much then. because already i'm not hanging on the phone as much. sure i still am. but not as much. i took a three hour nap up in my room today and i left my phone downstairs. see? i'm getting better. i wish you could hear the tone of voice i'm thinking all of this. because you probably don't get what i'm actually saying. that's part of the challenge of being a writer though.

so my mother pretty much said today that we are going to sell Pride. she asked me if i wanted to ride him and i said no. and then she went on to say that there is probably a better match for him. i started crying when she said "it's nothing that you did or didn't do, or that he did or didn't to, it's just not a right match." but i cried silently and was over that pretty quick. it's going to be so hard though. and telling people? how am i supposed to tell people without starting to cry? it sucks. so much.

thank goodness i can text josh and not worry about it. see how my life has changed so much? before i was moping about who knows what and then now all i talk about in this blog is texting josh, texting josh, texting josh. ahh. and nope my family still doesn't know. i wish i had said something in the car, i could have just said that i was texting abby, nicole, and josh. and they probably wouldn't have said anything. oh welll. maybe i'll have another chance eventually. of course i will. it's not like it's a big secret. i am just sort of scared. because this is the first time anything like this has happened, you know? none of my sisters have friends who are guys. you mention a guy at our dinner table and my father makes some sort of comment about if we have a crush on him or something. well my father is in for a surprise then.

but then again i'm getting ahead of myself. you see i'm not an irrational teenager. i don't think i am going to marry him because i've sent him a few texts (cough, cough, a few? how about 180?). sure i'm thinking about boyfriend girlfriend dating stuff but that's realistic. i'm thinking about being friends. i'm not changing my everyday life to conform to his texts. i still did homework. i took a nap even though he could have texted me at any second. i still ate dinner with my family. i'm not hiding up in my room texting him. i'm right smack dap in the middle of the kitchen. i'm not looking too far ahead. i'm taking it one day at a time. today? i'm going to text him until i want to go sleep. which might end up being soon. cause i'm tired. i'm not squealing and going crazy. yes, i do that little jumping thing/belly flop almost every time he texts me but that's reasonable too, mostly because i can't control that - that's emotions and chemicals and whatever else that is. i'm not obsessing. i think i'm being reasonable. right?

oh and Krisi posted some pictures up on her facebook and i started going through them. they were of Nicole, Tasha, and her. and then Josh was there. which made me smile. and then i got to the last picture and he was on his phone. which made me smile even more. because in the pictures that were taken at katelyn's party i'm probably on my phone for at least one of them too. and i'm assuming that it was me who he was texting, it could have been anymore but i guess that isn't the point.

okay. now i should stop writing in this blog. you're probably getting sick of reading about me going on and on. well you should probably get used to it because there will probably be another post like this tomorrow and then most definitely one like in on monday. so there you go.

i'm trying to think if there is something else i should be writing about. but i can't really think of one. so yeah. post number 650 over.