dear future molly,

have a wedding like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0 If for some reason that link doesn't work, find Jill and Kevin's Wedding Entrance Dance. (:

from,

molly right now

hey. you're kinda of cute. yeah. you.

hahaha. XD

anyways why i am writing this blog? not sure. well i do know why because i want you to try to understand my mind a bit better. like how come i think Sawyer's hair cut made him look even cuter and how just last week i was thinking to myself about how he needed to cut it. he did cut it and he looks very cute. and i did notice thank you very much. and i swear he was going to talk to me in english class today. he didn't but i thought he was going to. i was sitting in the row closet to the window, second seat back. i was on the one really over there, the other people were in the row next to me. Sawyer went and stood right in front of the first desk so he was facing me and he looked sort of like he wanted to say something but he didn't. then Devin started talking to him and he went over there. why didn't i say anything? mostly because i wasn't thinking about saying anything then. i need to plan. plus the thought didn't cross my head. i should of said something though. but that's in the past. next time i'll say something. but what is the strangest thing that happened today that is still relating to Sawyer is what happened on facebook. ooooo facebooook. i'll copy and paste for ya so you get the full effect:

Molly Ronan today is the first of winter. i was ready for winter to be done weeks ago.

about an hour ago · Comment ·

Nancy Ronan

But the days will start getting longer after today!

56 minutes ago · Delete

Sawyer Thompson

it's the first of winter? seriously? that's really sad

54 minutes ago · Delete

you see? first my mother commented then Sawyer commented. but that also means my mother got a notice, alert, whatever saying that someone also commented on their status. hopefully my mother doesn't say something asking who he is because then what i am going to say? oh he's just some guy that i use to be on a quest to make friends with but we don't talk at school and this is actually the first time he has talked to me almost ever online or offline. that would make her shut up. i wonder what he thinks about me but i don't care what people think so yeah.

what else? ohhh. i got new glasses. i'm trying to make myself like them. i tell myself i look sophisticated and hot and older in them. yeah it depends. sometimes when i look at myself in them i think i look amazing but then other times i think they look like crap. three people said something about them. only one said they liked them. but whatever. i don't care what other people think.

a week from tomorrow and glee comes out on DVD. i really can not wait for that day. and i'm thinking of helping Abby organize her holiday party because she seemed excited for that back when she first thought of it but she hasn't gotten around to organizing it yet so i'm pretty sure i'm going to have to help her. anyways i think that is all i have to say. i was thinking about writing something about death but that is such a yucky topic that i'd rather just stay positive and leave all that deep stuff for another day. i'll just leave it at all the shallow little teenage girl stuff today instead of showing my other "deep" side a.k.a. my i think way too much about stuff side.

someday a boy/guy/man will serenade me with a song that includes my name because my name isn't Caroline so they can't sing me Sweet Caroline so they will have to find another song or make one up and sing it to me with my name in it.

hey. hey. hey. hey. hey.

i'm not sure what i want to talk about. so i'll write a list. history day. making gingerbread houses. science class today. elementary school. keeping on keeping on.

i'll start with history day even though i'm a bit behind and i'm not really feeling this way anymore, well sort of. mostly i think it was yesterday or maybe the day before or before that or whatever when we got out history day grades back. i got an 87. i wish it was higher but whatever. someone in my class got 100. i don't think their project deserved an 100, i think Ms. Carpenter just liked it. but what really was no good was when someone said they got a 91 in homeroom and he got beaten down like "ha! i got a 93 or 97 or 100" or whatever and the 91-er started to feel bad about his 91. yeah i didn't mention my 87. but what makes it all better is that i am moving on in history day with my 87 while those people with their 90s and 100s aren't. yep.

what's next on my list? oh right. today was very good after school before Abby came over and it was just wonderful. and i don't feel like writing a blog anymore even though i have a lot of good stuff to talk about. i think i am going to work on my story.

hey hey hey heeeeeyyy your lipstick stains...

yeah i don't wear lipstick.

i just watched Abby perform again. and now i feel like crying? yeah that doesn't have anything to do with watching Abby perform. well it probably does because everything is connected and even though i'm not sure exactly why i am feeling what i am feeling right now i'm sure it is connected to everything, EVERYTHING, that has happened in my life. because things just connect to other things like that.

i wish i could read you mind. not in a creeperish way. but then if i did then i would become influenced by what you think. i would want to please you and make you think good thoughts about me. then i wouldn't be me anymore. i would become controlled by your thoughts. well i could become controlled by your words but i'm not. i have to stop worrying about what other people are thinking. i have to stop being so insecure about my friendships with people. i need to shut up and suck it up. i need to accept that everyone has flaws and i shouldn't be so picky when picking friends because well i lucked out once and i can't expect to luck out again. i have my one.

what are the odds that you person you will spend the rest of your life with is at your high school? hm. let me go look up the total population of the world. it was estimated on this day for there to be 6.803 billion people in this world. let's say about half are of the gender you prefer. that makes 3.4015 billion people of the opposite gender. well you can wipe out about half of them because they are either extremely young or extremely old. that makes 1.70075 BILLION people, a billion is that many -> 1000000000000, how the hell are you supposed to find "the one"? and right to answer the original question - i would say there are maybe 1,000 students in hampshire regional, 500 of the correct sex. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. not to say it isn't possible because it is. it most definitely (spelled right) is.

this is a strange blog. i was going to talk about the show and how much i just like seeing abby perform and how i don't normally like to see her after the show. i like to see her and talk to her because that makes me feel like i matter to her and such but she is also overwhelmed by the amount of people and i just want her to breath and relax. plus what are you supposed to talk about when you are just standing around in a hallway surrounded by other people doing the same thing? i just find it awkward. plus she has other people to talk to. but why am i talking about that?

how about i talk about how i missed Abby saying happy birthday to my mother. i'm guessing she said it during intermission when i was out and about with my sisters. yep. i always go to these things with my two younger sisters and mother. i would like to say i'm fine with that and in a way i am but no buts. that's it. okay.

oh! i know what else i wanted to talk about. the lovely ring on my finger right now. i'm not wearing it because i love high school and they are the best years of my life. ha. ha. ha. no. i'm wearing it as a reminder that i'm going to get out of this place. i'm going to be bigger and better than this little public high school in the middle of nowhere. don't get me wrong, i love the middle of nowhere and i'm going to have a house here, one of many. and please realize that when i say all of these goals, i know i'm going to get there and i also know it isn't going to be easy and my plans and goals might change a bit. but whatever my goal is, i'm going to get there no matter how long it takes. i hope when i read this again i will be able to feel the determination that my fingers and heart felt when i was writing this down. i'm determined. i just have to be passionate about it and it's going to happen. like finishing my novel before 2010? right now i don't have the determination, i don't have the passion but i'm going to change that now. hey molly guess what? you're going to finish a novel in 2009.

okay now that we have that all settled. the next subject in my head would be to talk about how Steph was all like "if you're in middle school you shouldn't need your parents there to have a shot" when i told her that parents came to be with their kids when they got their shots. um Steph i find that offensive because guess what? i'm in 10th grade and i need my mother there when i get a shot. i hate shots. my mother has put off me getting a shot for two years now that my doctor has wanted me to get because i hate shots. and also because she doesn't think i'll be having sex any time soon. correct there mother! i'm lucky if i even talk to a guy. not that my mother and i have ever talked about sex or marriage or anything like that. not that i want to either. we have a sort of understanding i guess or maybe it's not an understanding at all. she's not the parent that i just go to and tell her everything. i wasn't going to even tell her that i got an 87 on history day project while someone else in my class got an 100. but i did. i wonder what she thinks about me. actually i don't. i don't care what people think from now on. from now on i'm going to stop caring about what people think because i'm not going to let the thoughts that they think but i can't hear rule my life because that is what i'm doing. i'm letting their thoughts, that i can't even hear, rule my life. i'm better than that. i'm above that. so no more.

easier said than done.

i'm starting to break one of my habits. the habit of wrapping my arms around me when i walk around the hallways at school. i feel like that symbolizes my little shell that i hide in. i need to break it open. so whenever i catch myself "hugging" myself i make myself put my arms down. i don't really know if that accomplishes anything but at least it makes me feel like i'm doing something towards showing everyone who i really am.

wait a second. who ever said that you need to show everyone who are you through your speech and actions? why couldn't i just write it down? oh right because society expects you to speak and you don't have a speech bubble above your head, you have to do the actual speaking and the actual acting. you can't just sit at your little chair and type away everything that you want to say and everything that you think. stupid society. i think you need to rethink a bit because you are completely discriminating against those who would prefer to just write everything down.

i don't want to write everything down. i want to be loud. i want to talk. i want my voice to be heard in people's ears not in their eyes. why? i don't know. speaking and writing are two different things. why not stick with what i'm good at - writing? maybe because the message is different when it is words on paper. there is only so much of a person's voice you can hear through 2D words on a piece of paper or computer screen. but there are advantages to writing down too, at least for me but those are advantages that are situational. i could get them from speaking. like saying what i want to and figuring out exactly what i say and feel. but that doesn't really happen when i write either. i just find it easier. who should take the easier path? but how come people who find speaking easier don't have to write all the time. it's unfair to us writers. again this society should have a major change here in my favor.

no i don't want society in my favor. that would be like having everything handed to you. i want to fight for what i want. people might say that is stupid but i don't think so. you can either earn something or be given something. i'd rather earn it.

i'm rather go to sleep. it's 10:00. i've been writing for a long time and i don't think anyone will be able to understand half of that other than me. it's in molly thought code. barely anyone understands it. i barely understand it. great.

i just had a thought - what would people think if they read this? not a good thought. not a good one. because i don't care what people think anymore. i need to stop thinking those thoughts. i don't care what they think.

truth? i still do care.

starting to freak out.

i have a lesson at mt. holyoke today and it's scary. i wasn't that nervous about it until maeve was going. maeve is stressing and freaking out and it is stressing and freaking me out and ah. i just want to get it done with or just cancel it please.

here's a story that will never come true. but it is the type of story that i think of early in the morning.

okay so i have no idea how i started thinking of this story so i'm just going to sort of jump to where i remember. hopefully i remember correctly. remember i thought of this at seven in the morning while getting dressed. don't know why but i thought i should record it and it is something to do instead of homework or my novel. i need to stop procrastination. anyways here is the story.

crap. i'm forgetting already. this sucks. something about how Keith - yeah yeah i don't know why him - had a crush on me all through high school. - hahaha okay i'll stop interrupting - this is where it gets fuzy though. we become friends after high school, great friends. - i am seeing this like Keith is telling his children this story or something like that - and Keith asked me to marry him and i said no because i didn't love him and he didn't love me. he never talked to me again. i tried to contact him multiple times and even went to his house and he never responded. then i went to Europe and never saw him again. and then he tells his children that me saying no was the best thing that had ever happened to him because i was right and he wasn't in love but he is in love now and he calls over to his wife and says something. then his children, like teenagers, ask him if he ever talked to me again and he said he didn't and they get all on his case about how he should contact me again and they ask what my name is. when he says what it is one of the children freaks about because she is doing a school project on me. she has my book - this blog - and is doing a project on me and such since i am so successful. and he is like really? does she have any children? and yes i do. can i read the book? and he reads it and then he comes to my house because i'm living in Westhampton at the time and he isn't far and he knocks on my door and I say "it's about time" and then we become friends again.

woooo! wasn't that a wonderful story. yeah not really. it seems sort of retarded now that i just wrote it all out but hey that's what thoughts are for - the retarded things you don't say out loud or the other retarded stuff that you don't say out loud.

when i'm just out and about i look at people or cars driving past and i wonder what their story is. what did they look like when they were a teenager? what are they thinking about now? what is their major concern? who loves them?

it's like a disease.

i'm so tired right now. i had a horrible night. i kept waking up and not being able to fall back asleep. i can't swallow a freaking pill. it's really cold outside and i have to go have a lesson where i am going to get my butt kicked. i don't want to go. i want to lie in my bed all day and do nothing.

back aches and quests.

so my back hurts. it's probably a good thing i didn't sleep over Abby's today. yeah.

i just got home from watching Abby perform which is always wonderful. i love watching Abby perform and it is even more wonderful today because i got to see her walk around while talking into a microphone. Abby is so talented that she can multitask like that. Highlight of the show.

Anyways I thought it was wonderful all together. Some people are better at improving than others and they sort of have that charisma but i also love the people who maybe don't get the most laughs because well they are up there and doing it. they are on a stage in front of a bunch of people and they are on the spot. amazing.

yep. so i'm going to keep working on my whole confidence/outgoing stuff. maybe i'll set up a quest of some sort for myself? yeah but i say that now but i know it will probably never really work. but maybe just maybe this is will still be my year. i could say i'll wait until next year but why not now? what makes next year better than Monday? yeah nothing. right now all that is holding me back is myself. wowza.

apart from Abby my favorite person out of the whole Improv Alliance is Bret from South Hadley. Ha. Said it. see i'm already getting more outgoing. not really. that's a lie since i'm typing this out and the only person who can read this is Abby and she will love me no matter what I say or do because she knows i will never say or do anything that will make her not love me. or at least that is what i believe.

i'm really tired right now and i should go up to bed. i'm going to go pick out new glasses this weekend. i hope i can survive with this lovely pain in my back that will be with me for five to seven days. wonderful.

yep. so maybe i'll set off on a quest of some sort to break open this shell of mine. eventually.

read this. it's scary accurate.

http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/cancer.htm

i want to start editing my novel. i want to think of submitting it to a publisher. i want to get it from createspace in my hands.

instead i have to finish it.

hi. how are you today? i'm alright. sort of tired and i want to just give up. just like stop everything and say "woah this whole life thing? it's not for me".

i'm not going to give up though. i'm not a quitter. i am probably one of the most determined people you will ever meet. give me a goal, a challenge, anything and i'll do all in my power to accomplish it. competitive? sure but i don't let it get the best of me. seriously. i know when it's not worth my effort. at least i like to think i do but i don't always get everything right.

i need to be doing algebra homework or maybe start on some TCN but instead i'm writing this blog to help me focus myself again.

i wrote more 50,000 words in a month. wow. i'm amazing. but i've always known that. the goal is to not forget it because well, you are amazing too.

i haven't finished the novel and that is a bit scary because i don't know if i will ever finish it. i've always started books and novels and such and never finished them.

correction. i'm going to finish this book and i'm going to finish it before the first day of 2010. thank you very much.

is it bad that i decided not to go to the barn because it is freezing out? i sort of wanted to because i wanted to escape this house with my stressing family. maeve needs to learn some stress management and how to just get things done. i think that will come with time though.

i don't want to go back to school tomorrow. even though today it sort of felt like i belonged and was supposed to be there i guess. it was sort of strange. but now that i am home i know that i was wrong. i'm better than high school and i don't want to go back again. i don't even have abby in any of my classes and i won't see her at all tomorrow and even when i do see her it's like we barely even have anything to talk about and it's just stupid. especially since she is the only friend i have right now. except for stephanie and katelyn but i'm not sure if they should count. but what the heck are you suppose to count friends by? does it even matter? i'm sure it doesn't because well i'm going to be better than most if not all of the people in that school when i grow up. i'm going to have multiple books published but that isn't going to be how i make a living. i'm going to be a business woman and i'm not going to let my ears hurting on the landing of a plane or my inner fear of flying to keep me from traveling.

oh and now Ian and Keith and who knows who else knows that i wrote a novel because that's all Devin was talking about today. she would always tell about her success and include mine in it. so if i remember right i think Keith said he would buy it if i published it or something like that. well i probably won't publish it and you'll probably forget about it by the time i actually finish it. and what is this the first time you've talked to me all year? righy-o. and no Ian it is not about horses biting each other flanks. yeah thanks but no. and thanks Devin for spreading it around because i'm not sure i even want anyone to read it yet.

i think i am more focused and calm and relaxed. but i'm also exhausted. it's eight oclock. i want to go to sleep right now but instead i'm going to keep working on homework. yeah. not going to finish it so i'll do it in study hall tomorrow.

oh so Ian asks me to help him with his homework when i have study hall some days so he asked me in spanish today if i had study hall today and i told him i didn't so he tried to have me help him with it right then but we didn't have time and i'm told him that i'd come up during office aide and help him but i never did. i felt bad. i meant to say something to him but i didn't. so it was sort of like i stood him up. ha. and no don't go drawing conclusions about me and Ian, that is the only time he talks to me - when he needs help with homework. whatever.

now i'm just stalling by still writing. and goodness well i'm just a girl who makes a lot of mistakes and wrong choices who needs to find her inciting moment where she actually gains the courage to make a change in her life for the better or comes to terms and accepts her life as it is which will give her courage and self confidence but neither has been happening instead she has been writing run on sentences when she should be doing her math homework.

i wish that i could just write and not talk. i always say the wrong things. like when Abby had more Michelle drama, i had nothing to say because i didn't know what the heck to say. Abby has Avarie who will go punch Michelle in the face for her and they are more in it and whatever. but i should stop talking like that. i'm happy being the rock who is just always there for Abby because she is definitely mine. i just wish that i could figure out a way to talk to her more often. well at least on December 29th we are going to spend the whole day together. and if she backs out of those plans then we are doing it on the 30th. if she can't do it then well then we will keep pushing it back a day until it works but i'm almost certain i will be at her house at 10 o'clock or earlier on Tuesday December 29th and we are going to go to some sort that will carry the glee dvd, purchase it, then spend the whole rest of the day watching it from the beginning. yes. it will probably end up being twelve hours or more. wow. we better make this a sleepover. okay with you Abby?

the song that just came on shuffle was "keep holding on" by the glee cast.

hi.

so last night wasn't that great. but for the rest of my existence that is spent with the people that i spent it will i will be constantly reminded that it was amazing and they had a great time. yeah it sort of sucked. the movie? was amazing. being ditched by steph and katelyn twice? not so great. having to go and get them because everyone started to go in without us so we ended up at the END of the line? not so great. having to listen to Stephanie talk during the movie and after the movie all the way on the car ride home? not so great. having to deal with katelyn so told me to "shut up"? not so great. be frustrated at the only friends i have? not so great. feeling like an outsider with my own friends and my own mother and sister? not so great. wanting to fall asleep on the bus ride home and for the rest of the day? not so great. feeling awful the day after? not so great. knowing that i have a bunch of homework to do today? not so great. knowing that i will probably get my period while we are away on vacation to a beach? not so great. becca? not so great. not knowing what to say to becca if she finally gets the gets the gut to ask me in person why i hate her? not so great. feeling sick right now? not so great. having to pack? not so great. my life right now? wonderful.

i cried when i watched glee today. cried.

i need to express this feeling of dislike that was just brought about from this message on facebook:

Rebecca Sieracki November 19 at 6:01pm

hey umm ive been kind of getting the feeling like your mad at me or something.. are you?

you don't know how upset that makes me. first of all i'm not mad at Becca, i just don't like her. she annoys me soooooo much unfortunately. i can't change how i feel about people well maybe i can but right now that is how i feel about her. i hate eating lunch with her so much. and then she goes and sends me this message on facebook? coward! why can't she just say it to my face? and really going and sending messages asking if someone is mad at them - elementary school much? i am pretty sure i'm not going to respond. first of all because i don't feel like making up an answer and second of all if she really wants to know she can ask me in person. she frustrates me.

i should be at my twin's concert right now but i'm not because my sister is sick. i'm stuck at home. but at least i was able to get some writing done. :/

wooo! celebrate!

today i reached two milestones in my novel. i completed more than 60% and i'm now over 100 pages. so i went onto wordle, copy and pasted my novel and this is what i got. the bigger the word that means it shows up more. the size depends on the percentages of times it shows up and such. got it? it randomly gave me it to me in this font/size/color/shape and such. love it.

horoscopey?s

here is my horoscope thing for December/January according to the magazine Girl's Life.

Zen 2012: No more safe bets, C. The stars are pushing you to create a more outgoing you. Step outside your comfort one and be first in line to ask out the school stud or try out new activities

Superpower: Your thoughtfulness and sweet gestures melt the hardest of hearts

Kryptonite: Adopt the mantra forgive 'n' forget. People need second chances.

All Heart: First comes friends, then comes love. Make sure ya don't dash to fall head over heels for the first fella ya spot. Get to know him and take things to the like-ya-a-lot level toward the end of the year.

Fortune Cookie: After the holidays, you're strapped for cash. Look beyond the usual household chores for a quick way to fuel up your finances

Lucky Month: February

AHHH! That sounds so true. Especially the Zen and All Heart part. Seriously. I was thinking about having a goal of talking in every single class, like raising my hand and answering a question or something. Didn't happen today. New Year's Rev? And Sawyer liked my picture of my day 16 writing thing. Yay! XD

And to end this blog the Top 10 things for you to do in 2010 from GL:

1. Just. Move. On. Let last year's drama go. Grudges, hurt feelings, bitterness about an ex-they're all so 2009.

2. Organize your digital life. Zillions of old e-mails, photo files and dozens of docs...your computer is a hot mess! Clear it out and work faster.

3. Give more compliments. yeah, you love getting them. But watching others' facing light up will make you feel amazing.

4. Eat less junk. You'll feel better-and look better, too.

5. Talk a little less. Listen a little more. And know that giving great advice is just as therapeutic as receiving it.

6. Banish the word "bored." The world is full of fun ways to spend your free time. Find a few, and you'll never have nothing to do!

7. Save your spare change. Toss it in a jar. Then donate your stash to your fave charity when the jar fills up.

8. Get the best grades you've ever gotten. Ever, ever, ever.

9. Choose happy.

10. Finally do that thing. You know the one. Cut your hair short, talk to the cutie down the street, join a band. Whatever it is, just do it already!

so tomorrow i don't have school. today was fine. the one period that sort of stands out in my mind english. for several reasons. first cause Sawyer sat behind Vicky, next to me, diagonal from Katelyn, in front of Casey, diagonal from Devin. got the picture? probably not but it wasn't his usual seat. i think it was because he wanted to sit next to Vicky so he could work with her which he did. it was fine. i got to talk to him more which was a bit awkward but that is expected because duhhh i'm a social failure and such. but i'm trying to be nonchalant -vocab word!- about everything. but i need something to think and worry about because if not then what else am i suppose to think about? i haven't been stressing over horse shows lately and the next one isn't until December anyways but that one will be stressful because i need to get a certain place or higher to qualify for the next round. but i'm sort of whatever about that too.

Abby just scared me. she says via AIM "molly, i need to tell you something" and i freeze. like freeze and stare at the screen waiting for her to say something. i was excited and nervous, she could of said something life changing there. well i guess telling me not to stick my ipod headphones up my nose could be life changing.

anyways i really don't have anything to write about. i should be writing my novel now. but i'll do that when i get back from babysitting. glee's on tomorrow. what else? oh Katelyn is horrible. in english she was like "i hate you" in a sort of joking fashion then went on to say "you hate me" and just negative stuff like that and it is has been happening a lot more than it should and one of these days i'm going to snap. and in lunch Becca is annoying so so so annoying. whenever i look at her she goes "what?" then starts laughing. or if i'm not looking at her "what are you looking at? you are like staring at nothing?" and she laughs at the most non funny things and is so annoying. it's like just shut up! anyways i really should be writing about more and letting loose all my inner feelings but i have to go babysit.

today is one of those days that make me happy.

i just got back from seeing a play. it made me happy. it was one of those plays where everything worked out and made you happy. i love corny/clique/typical stuff like that. Hannah Montana movie? ummm I enjoyed it.

anyways it was very good and now i'm in a good mood so i decided i needed to write a blog. of course i should be studying for the vocab quiz or spanish quiz that i have tomorrow since i couldn't at the play because our spanish teacher was sitting right behind us.

and guess who i saw in the play? Abbyyy. i love Abby so much. like i know that even when i have all the worries about how i messed up and what is she thinking and how i just blah or said the wrong thing or messed up once again, i know she will be there. people say that if a friendship ends it never really was a friendship to begin with. yes - i saw that as someone's status on facebook but i do think it is sort of true because you do have to account for the fact that people change. Abby and mine friendship hasn't ended yet and i really don't see it ending because of the fact that a) we aren't in each other faces every second, even when i complain about how i never see her or do anything b) we understand each other. like to a sort of strange way. i think at least. when she write blogs or talks to me on AIM i can pretty much hear her saying it to me. i don't know if it goes the same way for her too. and if it doesn't then i will feel pretty stupid writing all of this but whatever. c) we're twins and vampires. duhhh.

so intermission i saw sawyer. oh my goodness. i said his name. how long has it been? i don't know because i don't keep track. sort of because i think i missed my chance. my chance was in the form of the first month or two of school. if you noticed during that play the God ended up with the first girl who talked to him. but hey i am who i am and well i'm not one to go out of my way to make friends unless it is sink or swim. in only one case it was sink or swim and that was when i became friends with Stephanie and maybe Abby too but that was seventh grade and all i knew was that i wanted to be friends with her and i thought i blew it. crap. i just sort of gave myself a slap in the face. i thought i had blew my chance to be Abby's friend and i didn't. i am thinking right now that i blew my chances with Sawyer. ha. what comes end in this equation. the "you didn't" part. but i'm not going to worry about it. i have enough to worry about. i think everything will be okay no matter what happens because i know that i will have Abby there. that is one person i can count on for anything. and if i blow it with her then i don't think there is any hope for me but i don't think it will get to that point.

stop being a negative nelly molly. k? k. well not really k. but whatever. i am so tired right now. who knows maybe this play was the turn around for me in my social ways. especially since today Katelyn almost drove me insane. "you never do anything for me. you don't care about anything, at least nothing relating to me." seriously, i don't appreciate you saying those things to me Katelyn.

whoops. i was slipping into negative territory there. i need to stay positive which is extremely hard. tomorrow is Maeve's birthday. tomorrow she has a friend sleeping over who invited herself over. tomorrow is friday. i can make it through tomorrow. tomorrow i don't have lunch with abby. tomorrow is going to be rough and hard but i can do it. i can make it through.

hi Abby.

i said i need to stop being negative but that failed completely. mostly because i'm being stupid and won't go out with them. why would i? i don't have a halloween costume and i'm too old to go trick-or-treating so instead i would be walking around like a loser with my parents. that is not fun. not at all. this SUCKS. i hate halloween. i don't even have any friends i can make plans with. my mother told me to go hang out at Abby's house but i don't want to invite myself over and plus it will probably just end up being extremely awkward the whole time like it always is when i hang out with my friends. it's so awkward we end up watching tv the whole time because we can't figure out what to do. i'm sure when they hang out with their other friends they have a grand old time doing whatever they want and they don't need to sit around watching tv. i'm just boringggggg so akdgjlksdfgjvkadsjfakl;djsfkl

and family i know you really want me to come but WHY? why maeve do you want me to come so badly? you are going to be hanging out with your friend and i don't freaking care if i am making the wrong choice or if i'm going to regret it. i made my decision and i probably did make wrong choice but do i even care? sorry but no. i'm the freaking loser who doesn't have any friends to do anything with on Halloween. so the sooner you accept that family then the sooner you can all go off and have fun and leave me home to do nothing. i'll watch tv. i have computer and internet. i also have homework i have to do that i can't do tomorrow because i have a horse show tomorrow.

i feel like a loser. and don't feel bad when you read this because most of this, actually all of this, is my fault. it is my fault i didn't go. it's my fault i'm boring. it's my fault i don't want to go over Abby's. it's my fault i don't have any friends. it's my fault i don't have a life. it's my fault i'm crying right now. it's my fault this night sucks.

i need to stop whining and complaining. i need to start thinking positive. but my lovely facebook fortune cookie of today said "Your past success will be overshadowed by your future success". Don't you know it.

today in 4h i learned: lori brogle knows everything and 4h sucks. oh wait. i already knew that.

i went to my first 4h meeting in a while. i am pretty certain i'm not going back. i don't think i feel like reliving it because i'll probably cry again. yep, i almost cried during 4h but i managed to hold myself together. i bet a bunch of people thought i was crying or was going to - oh wow they were right! sure i'm having my period now so i'm oversensitive or more moody or whatever but i don't think that should be an excuse. i shouldn't almost cry during 4h then silently cry on the way home. i shouldn't want to leave 4h early and then do. i shouldn't tell my mother that i'm ready to leave then get my sister to but i did.

stop. it wasn't as bad as you think. it just sucked. and it was like it has always been. there has been no change in that group from when we first joined. so i think that i might have been my last 4h meeting. we'll see. no we won't wait and see. that is all i do - wait and see what happens. i'm sick of it. i'm going to do whatever i want to do when i want to do it. i'm not going to wait around. i'm not going to wait around for you to change and give you a second chance. i'm not going to wait for anything or anyone. so hahahahahaha to you.

if you can't tell i'm in a sort of bad mood. i'm untouchable. to quote from taylor's swift new song, untouchable. that is what i am though. untouchable.

50,000 words.

that is what i am going to do. write a novel with 50,000 words in a month.

nanowrimo.org

yeah. so i probably won't be on here as much because of that. it will be taking up all of my free time. woohoo! but i'm thinking about writing it about a girl who coaches a boy's indoor soccer team. woah. how did you come up on that? i heard Emmett ask Caroline if she wanted to coach their team. i tried to imagine how that would go and i decided that i would write a book about it. of course it will not include any people who go to HRHS. maybe just people based losely on them. and no, Caroline and Emmett will not be making an appearance in it. i'm not going to go into little details and such. mostly because i am hungry and i just vented to Abby about my day so i don't have much to say other than i love her very much.

the boyfriend list ; the boy book ; the treasure map of boys

i just finished reading that series of books. i like them. a lotttt. they were so realistic and i loved the voice of the main character, the way she talked and explained everything. it was really good. it took me a while to get into the first one but once i did i managed to read the last two in two or three days. it was extremely wonderful.

ah-k. so Matt just IM me or whatever on facebook asking for Ms. Lech's e-mail address. i went offline. woo! then he appeared on AIM so i pretended to be away. i am so sneaky.

i kind of want to do something today. i'm sick and tired of just moping around the house. so i believe i am going to go jump in the shower and get dressed. do the stalls and then probably go the grocery store. maybe if it wasn't raining i would be at the fall festival now but it is raining so it wouldn't be too much fun standing out in the rain. i wish i had figured out something to do with Abby earlier but i didn't. so i'm stuck at home.

and my mother was just as surprised as i was that i got invited to Dana's party. i told her yes. i'm sort of nervous about going but i'll do it. i wonder why she invited me in the first place. was it because she felt bad for me? but i really shouldn't think about that. i should just be happy i got invited and go to this party with an open mind. wooo.

never doubt the power of music.

my father is the expert for maeve's project so they were working on it and the two of them were in bad moods. i put some music on in the background softly. they are in such good moods now. well not the best of moods but better than before. muchhhh betterrrr. yay for music.

i don't have much else to say. i want to write a story. but i always bring my life into it. i want to just write a story that people can relate to but i always end up making stories that i want to happen to my life or the girl ends up being too much like me. but whatever. i always get stuck and can never finish it. the one story i am proud of is the one where the girl dies...ANYWAYS.

i was just invited to a birthday party. i was completely shocked. i was invited to Dana's birthday party. she is on my IEA riding team. she goes to a different school so i only know her from there. we have gotten closer since last year but we are sort of riding only sort of stuff. i don't see her outside of riding lessons and shows so that was why i was sort of shocked that i was invited. i have no idea what other types of friends she has. i know she dated Alex or had some sort of relationship with him. she also knows Michelle and i think that Stephanie went to CCD with her. anyways. first reaction when i read that apart from the oh my god is she serious would probably be no. i am not a party girl. this is a dance party and i am not a big dancer. i have been to three dances before and they have not all been the best. they are actually sort of boring. or i feel out of place. i don't have the confidence where i can just go flaunt it on the dance floor or whatever you do at at dance party. plus i don't have any friends going. the only people i would know would be Dana, Abby Szat, Bella, Taylor, and if Moriah goes which i doubt. i'm not friends with them really. so i would be the loner. but on the flip side of that. i don't know anyone. there would be a bunch of people my age mingling that have never seen me before. they may not avoid me completely. it could be a new opportunity. the old Molly would never go to a dance party. maybe i could. it's next saturday. a week from tomorrow. that friday we have the spooky sleepover. which is just fine and dandy. so i would be exhausted from that. but at least i think Abby wouldn't mind going to sleep "early" because i know she has a sleepover the end night as well. but i need to think about this. plus i haven't even told my mother about it because she just got home from getting Maeve and Rosemarie from the dance where there was some sort of drama but i ain't asking.

i just want to record one thing. everyday this school week i wore an outfit i have never worn before all with clothes that i have worn before. it was a four day week but still that is pretty wonderful. i did a lot of layering stuff. no one in our school really does stuff like that so i probably stood out but heyyyy at hampshire regional we won't say anything to your face we will just say it behind your back!

keep holding on.

you're not alone

together we stand

i'll be by your side

you know i'll take your hand

when it gets cold

and it feels like the end

there is no place to go

you know i won't give in

no i won't give in

keep holding on

cause you know we'll make it through

just stay strong

cause you know i'm here for you

i'm here for you

there's nothing you can say

there's nothing you can do

there's no other way

when it comes to the truth

keep holding on

cause you know we'll make it through

we'll make it through

so far away

i wish you were here

before it's too late

this could all disappear

before the doors close

it's come to the end

with you by my side

i will fight and defend

i'll fight and defend

keep holding on

cause you know we'll make it through

we'll make it through

just stay strong

cause you know i'm here for you

i'm here for you

there's nothing you can say

there's nothing you can do

there's no other way when it comes to the truth

keep holding on

cause you know we'll make it through

we'll make it through

hear me say when i say when i say i believe

nothing's going to change nothing's going to change destiny

whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly

yeah yeah yeah yeah

keep holding on

cause you know we'll make it through

we'll make it through

just stay strong

cause you know i'm here for you

there's nothing you can say

there's nothing you can do

there's no other way when it comes to the truth

keep holding on

cause you know we'll make it through

we'll make it through

keep holding on

keep holding on

there's nothing you can say

there's nothing you can do

there's no other way when it comes to the truth

keep holding on

cause you know we'll make it through

we'll make it through.

- holding on. glee cast version. typed out completely by me.

what is the date? write it down!

it is october 15th 2009. it's snowing outside. got it? it's the 15th of october. there were leaves and snow falling at the same time. it's too early. but maybe this means that it will end early...

a $50 itunes gift certificate. how long should that last?

how about half of it is gone in less than 5 minutes. stupid itunes with their "itunes plus" and the "buy all". i could have saved $7 dollars if there wasn't that stupid "buy all" button but whatever. it's just money. it comes and goes.

i'm not really sure what i want to talk about. earlier i was bursting with emotions. now they have sort of died down. thank you hormones, i'm assuming you are responsible for that because you seem to be responsible for everything that goes on in my body and head and such.

you are sitting in a lunchroom. there are a bunch of kids everywhere. the majority of them you don't know their names. the names that you do know you don't know who that person is. they are sort of extras in your life. they are there but you don't talk to them, you don't know them. yet they have their life story. they have a huge complex story and they have thoughts too. and you are just an extra to their life too. or maybe you have a huge role in their life but you have no idea. ooooh. think about that for a second. next time you are in the lunchroom pick someone out of the crowd that you have never talked to and don't know their name. think about their life. think about their story. think about what you mean to them. think about it.

yay for ditching. yay for skipping. 4h of course. i would never skip or ditch school or anything. which you probably already know. my future is too valuable to do something stupid like that. anyways i had finished my homework before we had to go to 4h but i just didn't want to go. plus they are appointing officers today and Steph, our leader, wanted me to be president. but i said no. so i'll just avoid that too. this time last year if i was appointed leader it might have been a completely different thing. but right now i don't want to. last year i would have loved to but instead we still did that stupid voting thing and Bella was voted over me. because she is more likable than me. i'm the stuck-up bitch. woah. no. don't say that is a lie because i know it is true. right about now i would say i don't care and i sort of don't but i sort of do too. in science class i am sure that is the only word they know me by, bitch. i sort of just order around my group. yeah i do it on purpose but if i didn't then we would get nothing done and they have no idea what they are doing. i hate my science class. today our teacher handed out all of our tests but he was one short so he LEFT THE ROOM to make another copy. everyone started talking. "what did you get for number one?" i mean come on. what kind of teacher would do that? then we get a break in the middle of our double lab. most people weren't done with their test. he let us leave anyways. we could have went and looked up all the answers we needed. stupid teacher. i really don't like him. i really don't like that class.

so my days have not been getting any better but i shouldn't be complaining. the last thing i should be doing is complaining. but why i don't i just do that anyways. what if this blog is making everything worse because i am bringing all these feelings back up and reliving them. what if it is better if i just shoved them away and never thought of them again. i have no idea. but i'm doing this anyways. i wonder what Abby is thinking when she is reading this. does she think of me any less because of it? since i'm shoving my flaws in her face is she slowly seeing who i really am not wanting to be with me? what would other people think if they read this? would they think better or worse of me? i would like to think that if everyone read this then everyone would love me but i don't think that would happen. maybe some people who i don't normally talk to after reading this would want to be my friend or whatever but most probably wouldn't. but who knows. whoooo knowwwsss.

hm. now what else to talk about. i have over an hour to kill since i skipped 4h. i could do homework and such that is due on thursday but seriously who wants to do that? i have been kind of lazy lately. i wonder what this is the result of.

how am i going to raise a child? WOAHH. no. i am not pregnant but thank you for jumping to that incorrect conclusion. but seriously. think about. what are you going to do when your child's goldfish died. did it run away? how do you explain death? how do you explain sex? or do you wait for your child to hear it on the bus? i don't remember how my parents raised me. all i know is i see the results of parenting all around me everyday in every single teenager. i know who i want my children to be like and i know who i don't want them to be like. but how do i do that?

i am going to type really fast now in hope that my father won't ask me any questions. he started asking me questions about babysitting. please don't say anything else. i don't feel like crying in front of you. "how is school going?" he asks me that the night before school starts after a three day weekend. i know i have two freaking Cs. i don't need you giving me any grief about it, i have been beating myself up enough. it doesn't help that i probably failed that test i just took in algebra. gah. okay that isn't what i wanted to talk about but i my dad talked to me right before i was about to write this.

i think i was going to talk about three and a half day weekends. but now i don't want to. now i want to go to sleep. night.

this type of post always comes next.

yep. you guessed it. this is the positive upbeat post since my last one was so negative. what can i say? i'm a teenager and i have these lovely things called mood swings. maybe eventually i'll have my emotions a little more under control, or a lot more.

anyways i had a horse show today, i got 5th and 6th. there were 7 people in both of those classes. but hey whatever. i'm not really down about it. it was a good show and i don't have to go to school tomorrow. woohoo!

i spent probably over an hour watching videos on this site: improveverywhere.com i so want to be part of that or be there while it was happening. i would just jump into it and pretend that i was part of it when really, i wasn't. i signed up on the mailing list so maybe you know we might just so happen to be in New York the same time this is happening and all.

um i don't really have much to talk about because i'm in a good mood and normally the only time i post on this thing is when i'm in a bad mood. so unfortantely you guys get the worse end of this deal. i get to live with all my emotions and you guys just get the bad ones. hopefully you can get some good out of this.

just one question: is it weird that sometimes i will think like i am posting a blog? talking in sentences like this and say how i'm going to post this as a blog. i almost never do but i wish i could just keep all those thoughts and then put them up on here. a lot of them are good thoughts too and would make wonderful non-upsetful blogs. anyways. bye loves. woah. not ending with "bye loves". do you know how weird that sounds? so how should i end this then? i have no idea all i know that is the last line is always very important.

wooohooo. not.

i'm in a bad mood once again. i just woke up and came downstairs to my maeve doing maura's hair in the bathroom and the two of them singing. that made me upset. not going to explain why because they i would have to be all like blah, blah, blah. i am also sort of upset because i don't want to have my riding lesson but i have to and i would NEVER complain about riding or anything to anyone in my family because that is sort of an unspoken rule. i have a horse now and i have to show that i love him and i can't complain. and another thing that sort of made me upset is i went on facebook this morning and almost every single status had something to do with who they were going to see this weekend and how they were going to have so much fun with their friends. it's like this almost every single weekend. i haven't gone out or seen any of my friends out of school. instead i'm stuck at home every single weekend with my family. or at least i would be if i didn't have my horses. i see my computer screen much more than i see my friends. if you add up all the hours i am sure that would be true. actually i only have one friend that i would even want to see after school. no big friend sleepovers for me. nope. no pictures posted up on facebook of my exciting weekends except for a few from horse shows just to show that i do have a life and somewhere that i belong. so yeah. i think i'm done. stop writing when you are done. hm. but what should i do now instead? go onto facebook and feel bad for myself again. read a book? no, i already did that all this morning. homework? that would be the ideal choice seeing as my dad wants to take away the one time where i escape this freaking house. does he realize that wednesday and thursday i didn't do any homework. not that any was due the next day. i don't have the guts to not do my homework on purpose. not after Mr. Butler called me out in class when i didn't have my homework and i almost started to cry. i'm pretty sure since that day i have always had my homework. but thinking about that has just made me feel worse. and now the fact that i shouldn't be upset because i am so blessed and all and i should be grateful just came in my head. so in other words i'm an awful person for being upset like this, i should be happy all the time because just look at what i have to be happy about. a whole lot more than most people do. so i'll just sulk around all day and then go do my horse stuff. and you know the worse part is that i do have horse stuff that i do almost every day but it's not like i'm blowing anything off or have to tell my friend i can't come with them to their big shopping trip. i don't have anything better to do. nah. that isn't the worst part. i'm sure you can find something worse than that in this wonderful rant.

i am frustrated again.

my mother mentioned at dinner today that my father wants me to consider dropping babysitting so i can concentrate on my grades. ooooh. that that is what you guys were talking about on your way to the seminar. my stupid grades. i know this is the first time you have ever had a daughter that has gotten a C on a report card but don't jump the gun here. it is the first part of the year. we have barely been in school for a month. i have an algebra teacher who gives tests and quizzes on nothing that we cover in class. i also have a history teacher who mentions one thing then says that is fair for the test because she said it who gives us no warning for what our quiz is going to be like. so buzz off. if anything is causing me to get bad grades is the stress from home which causes me to be lazy and not want to do anything. i don't need to hear you fight with mother all day and only talk about the office. we do nothing except go to the office, do homework, go to school, go to the barn, and the one time i get out of the house and barn in MONTHS is when i babysit and you feel like taking that away from me. the kids frustrate me sometimes but if i wasn't babysitting i would most likely be at the barn anyways so might as well have me babysit and give me the chance that they could put me in a better mood than any of you here at home could.

okay so being reasonable i should probably say that when report cards come out if i have anything below an 80 or 85 or whatever you find acceptable, father, then i will quit babysitting. but that isn't going to happen. i'm reaching for straight As just to shove it in your face that i can do this. of course it would help if my algebra teacher actually put stuff on the test that we have homework on and go over in class instead of just something completely random. it would also help if i liked my history class because currently i hate the people in my class and i don't like the way my teacher does things. i want my old math and history teachers. i want my old history class. i want my old family. i want my old life.

i think i need to stop being so serious in my blogs. all i talk about is a bunch of serious stuff. well that is probably because that is what my life is filled with and this is the only time i actually get to break it down and look at it. this year was suppose to be my year. you know like that big transition year and all. didn't happen. i don't know if it will ever happen. i don't know if i ever care if it does or not. do i want it to? yeah but will it? probably not mostly because i don't have the guts or the courage to do it and i doubt a big physical change will help/happen.

being serious again. okay. i'm not sure what to talk about then since everything that runs through my mind would become a paragraph long dissection. i want to write a song. lyrics and all. ah. no i don't. i want to learn how to play don't stop believing on the piano which i think i will do now. maybe eventually i'll write a song. maybe eventually i'll write a book.

OH. i just have one more serious thing. today our english teacher was summing up the book Mice and Men which we haven't read yet and pretty much said "your dream won't come true" or something to that effect or like "your plan won't happen". it was kind of like a slap in the face. i have dreams and plans for myself. they are going to happen though. i will make them come true. it's not like i set up a map for my life - go to the bathroom at 4o'clock everyday. every wednesday go read outside. have a boyfriend by the time you are 18. ummm no. my dreams are bigger than that but realistic and i know i can make them happen. i have plenty of lee-way for other things to get in the way. but it's gonna happen. my biggest fear is that it will happen but then i won't be happy. WOAH THERE NELLIE. SERIOUS STUFF THERE. how old are you again? 15. righty-o. we shall not be opening that can of worms now. now i think we shall end this blog with what do you reply to when your teacher asks you "what's up?"

12 things to be thankful for as told by Girls' Life Magazine October/November 2009. Volume 16, Issue 2

1. One word: chocolate. We could probably stop the list right here. But if we did, then we'd miss out on...

2. Two words: Rob Pattinson. Oooh. So glad we didn't stop the list.

3. Your BFF. She laughs even when your jokes aren't that funny, cries along with you when you're upset and even shares her fave clothes with you. In short, she's always there when you need her. And that's DEFINITELY something you can be thankful for.

4. Peanut butter and jelly...the coolest combo. Ever.

5. Family. No matter who makes up your family, you know that they'll always have your back.

6. The heartless cutie who snubbed you. He taught you that moving on is possible and there is always other fish in the sea.

7. Rainbows. You don't see them all that often, but don't you feel amazing when you do?

8. Fall leaves. Nothing beats kicking you way through a pile of crispy orange, red, and golden ones.

9. Your favorite color. Just looking at it makes you happy.

10. Different cuts of jeans. Many moon ago, designers made just one kind of jeans. You either looked good in them-or you didn't. Today, every girl can find a pair that's juuuust right for her.

11. Modern feminine products. Yes, we're thankful for tampons. Did you know girls used to sit over a hole in the ground the entire time they had their period?

12. Deep breaths. Life is truly a gift.

____

Comments by Molly:

love chocolate, my twin, PB&J, and my family.

and thanks for turning out to be a creeper Matt, i ain't gonna waste my time again.

rainbows and leaves and purple. <3

still haven't find the exact right pair of jeans yet. and quest for the twins?

thanks for that info.

and yes. deep breaths. i don't have my life figured out. not even close. i am an insecure teenager. but i'm going to make it as long as i can take deep breaths. cause Life is truly a gift.

things you should do in your life courtesy of MLIA:

- when staring lovingly into your boyfriend/lover/husband/whoever's eyes don't blink. when he blinks yell "i won!" but if he catches on before then hope that you can keep your eyes open long enough

- never forget that revising a paper is like a condom, not your first priority but your obligation nonetheless. reading that seriously just made me want to go and revise my essay right now because saying "i'll do it later" or "it can wait" just sounds so wrong

- college is significantly better than hi!school

- to be continued.

seriously i should be revising my essay now but i still am not even after that lovely condom simile up there. instead i'll tell you all about how i don't like that last post and how i am really not a teenager who goes around complaining about her existing friends and non-existing friends along with lusting after boys. hahahahaha.

and by the way my parents didn't go on a plane. they drove. got that one wrong. but i'm sort of glad that is the case.

anyways i am a lucky girl. so so so so so lucky. end of story.

um now what. i had a bunch of stuff to talk about when i was on the bus. oh hold on. i want to buy the new glee songs. yeah i'm a gleek and proud of it.

so something to talk about. i was going to gauge my classes for you depending on the a) subject b) teacher c) kids in the class but i don't feel like talking about school. i think about school enough. i can't wait until i am out of that place. so why did i want a ring? hey, i'm still a high schooler even though i don't want to be one.

when i wrote i am full of confidence. i can write whatever. it doesn't matter. only Abby can read this who i trust so so so much. what happened? what happened from when we were an innocence child up to now? we use to not care what other people said, we were just ourselves. we were children. we had our friends. we didn't have a care in the world. what about now? we care what other people think. don't lie. you know you care no matter what how many people have told you that you shouldn't care. you worry. you have pressure pushing into you from all directions. you won't talk to someone because you are afraid of what they will say in return or you don't know what to say. oh wait. that's me.

what if they taught this blog in school. BAHAHAHAHAHAHA. can you see Mrs. Bush up in the front of the room talking about the theme of this book. "explain the title". i am seriously smiling now. grinning. so this is for the children out there who are reading this book against their will. hi. sorry if this is boring you. i'll try to spice it up for you though i think that whole condom bit above was a big jump from what i have talked about in my previous blogs. what did you english teacher think about that one? i bet now in your day and age they will have some sort of super duper pregnancy protector so you don't even know what a condom is. i'm not going to be the one to tell you. anyways, i'm not writing this blog for you. i'm writing this for me.

Maeve just took one of those facebook quizzes about who is her friend. I'm her best friend. Bella is her drinking buddy. so true. then for my mother it says - "would just of a bridge for you.. NOT!" for a second there i thought it actually got two things write in one quiz but then i saw the NOT! and plus i spelling error.

i wonder how many spelling errors i have in this thing. they would mostly be errors like that "of" and "off" because there is a lovely red line under a word if it thinks i spelled it wrong. like all my "i'm"s. i'm not spelling it wrong, i am just too lazy to care if i capitalize my "i"s or not.

and facebook just said i'm 50% ugly and 50% cute. my sister is 90% cute. i believe that 100%. i have always thought Maeve is the prettiest and Maura is the cutest. i'm just not. they lucked out in their genes. you would have thought my parents would give me the best ones since i was born first. but nooooo.

i just said that in a joking tone but i still think that Maeve is the prettiest and Maura the cutest. Maeve can wear anything and look wonderful in it. i can't. but i shouldn't care how i look. another one of those things that everyone cares about but shouldn't. i wonder if that will change in the future at all.

did you know that blacks couldn't marry whites until the 1960s? it was in that rule book up until then. kind of strange huh? but the thing i hate most about the whole racial thing is how people are still hung up on it. maybe it's because i am younger and whatever. i think i have already discussed this topic? yeah i'll move along now.

i took the buddy quiz thing on facebook. i think facebook has never been so right before.

Stephanie - Best Friend

Abby - Soul Mates

Katelyn - Drinking Buddies

Maeve - Facebook Friends

Bella- Would jump off a bride for you...NOT!

Only things I would disagree with on that would be Katelyn would be the one drinking, not me and Maeve is my sister so we are a bit more than just FB friends. and OUCH. i went there Katelyn, i went there. yeah i'm still angry at her but i'm trying not to touch on that subject since i talked so much about it last time.

now i need a new subject. do all teenagers think as much as i do? i seriously think a lot. i wish that i could just record all my thoughts right when i think them instead of having to come here and write them down. you guys are only getting the tiniest part of the way i think. you miss a lot. that is why a lot of this doesn't make sense or a lot of this is lies. gasp! did i just say a lot of this is lies? yeah i did but hear me out. all because you think something doesn't mean it is true. you can think "i am a dolphin" or "i am an alien" but that doesn't make you one. following me here? these are my thoughts. they are truthfully my thoughts. are my thoughts lies? maybe. are my thoughts the truth? maybe. how do you judge if thoughts are true or not? they are thoughts. maybe you could be a better judge of that if you could hear all my thoughts but you can't. not now a least. my peeps reading this for an english assignment in the future, let me know if you can read each other's thoughts now. just know that i would have loved to have that now. i also wonder if that is messing up your life more or making it better.

i think i am done now. for this blog at least. i'll be back. again and again. and i really have to figure out a better why to back this up so other teenagers can read this as an english assignment.

i need/want to write a blog but watching glee is more important.

let's play catch up.

or not. i could tell you all about the horse show but i don't want to. i'll tell you that it was extremely scary when the horse trailer fell off of the car. i was scared that one of the horses were hurt. i was extremely scared. i held myself together but once we were in the car again on our way to the show i started crying. it was scary.

instead i'll return to an old topic. how every day i am getting closer and closer to hitting Katelyn over the head with a book. does she realize that i don't feel like talking to her first thing in the morning? but i don't know who else to talk to. does she realize she doesn't have to jump out of nowhere the second she sees me in the morning? i will survive if she doesn't come and talk to me. and during gym don't tell me how i cheated during a team building activity. does it really freaking matter? the rest of my class is competitive enough already i don't need you giving me some crap about how my knees touched the ground. you already have a better grade than me in that class even though I participate a whole lot more than you but you have Mr. Scammons who is an easier grader than Mr. Vega. the whole point of having friends in your class is so they can support you through the horrors of it not piss you off.

and shut the heck up about pictures. i don't care that you don't like your picture. you don't have to go on and on about how you hate them and then ask a billion times to see mine when i already put them in my locker. and no i didn't look at them. unlike most of the student population i don't care what my school picture looks like. move on with your life. it's a stupid picture. that was all i heard all day, how people hate their school pictures. enough is enough.

what i hate the most is how much hate i am feeling towards people and such lately. it's just putting me in a bad mood and keeping me in a bad mood. how can i change this? the easier way the way i would prefer the most is to cut Katelyn out of my life and pick up a new friend who will make me feel better than worse. the other way that i would rather not try is to be positive anyways even when Katelyn is annoying me. i'm a teenager i don't have that much control over my emotions.

another problem with the whole Katelyn situation is that I still use her too. i know it sounds kind of weird when i put it like that. but in english i asked to see what she got for an answer. but the only reason i do this is because i have no one else. the transition of dropping her would be so much easier if i had another friend first. but i don't.

now i'm not sure if this is screaming in you head as much as it is screaming in mine: SAWYER. hahahaha. time to laugh at you and at me for even thinking that. you have probably realized that i haven't talked about him lately. which is good for me. i think. i'm not really sure if it is even good for me to be talking about people in this blog. in this burn book. in my own burn book. but anyways a few reasons for all of that or whatever which i have mostly already listed in previous blogs so i won't list them now just sort of mention. i have no idea what to ever say, and conversations turn out awkward, he has devin/heather, and i just don't know what to do i guess. but that sort of applies to all possible friends of mine. it's highschool, everyone already has their friends and aren't looking for new ones. so here am i the only girl looking for a friend yet no one knows not that i really what them to know that. but who is them? so that paragraph probably didn't make any sense at all.

you know those middle school crushes where every girl has a crush on the same guy mostly because he is goodlooking? yeah those don't go away, we just don't call them crushes now. i believe the proper term would be lust or physical attraction? it sort of sucks. i wish that who everyone is was displayed like a book on their outside instead of being hidden inside. so why am i talking about this? cause you know that this blog always comes back to me. because there are some hot guys in our class. i am tempted to start talking about the one guy in particular but i'm not gonna because well i'm not sure why but i'm not going to. i'm going to try to talk about something else.

ohhh. i have something to add to the list against Katelyn. today she said that she had a bad feeling. like a plane was going to crash and people were going to die. like a plane on it's way to Japan. after she said that i said, my parents are going on a plane today. OH MY FREAKING GOD. the last thing i want to hear today is that there is going to be a plane crash. i am already freaked out about my parents being away for a day and a half. the last thing i need is someone to put into my head that they have a feeling there is going to be a plane crash. they haven't left yet but i'm still freaked out. freaked out. i know i shouldn't be but i am.

now what to talk about. i'm not sure. maybe that means i should stop writing. i just had an idea of something to write about. my parents and family life now but i am not going to just in case. okay i'm out.

i feel like crap.

i broke down at dinner today. i saw Maeve's progress report. she has all 100s except for two 97s. i started to cry. i don't have one 100. my highest is a 97. i have a 77 and a 79. the lowest i have ever gotten. the first time i have ever had a total grade lower than a 80. it sucks. it sucks more that i started crying and made the rest of my family feel bad. i suck.

today was a really long day.

i am so tired right now. i'm going to go though my day for you a bit.

today i woke up at 6:00ish. got ready. went to the barn and got my horse all set. loaded up. Pride was really good loading up. then we just start going to the show at when we just turned onto north road we heard a big bang. mother stopped and jumped out of the trailer. i was freaked out. maeve asked me if i should get out and i just sort of yelled at her i don't know! she got out then i got out after her. the t

now i don't want to talk about this anymore today. i may revist it again tomorrow.

i just watched another episode of The Secret Life of the American Teenager. it's not as good as glee but it is pretty darn good. my favorite character is Griffon. like i wish he really existed and went to HRHS. so i'm going to find out what episode he first comes in and tell you to go watch it.

okay so found it. he first appears in episode seven of season two titled Summertime. but i like him better in the episodes following. just so you know. and that's it.

i'm back once again.

here are the statistics for number of posts on this blog:

January. 24.

February. 10.

March. 6.

April. 8.

May. 13.

August. 11.

September. 30.

do you see that huge jump last month? you can thank school for that. less time to write blogs but a lot more things to write about.

so let's return to a topic that is becoming very familiar. Katelyn. hi Katelyn. today we were wearing the same sweater except in different colors. she freaked out. i told her she had two choices to either laugh about it get upset about it and she responded that she was already upset about it. then she resorted to sitting down at a desk with her head down on it. what the heck? you get upset because your friend is wearing the same sweater as you? i bet if Abby and I had worn the same sweater we would have yelled twins and proceeded to skip down the hallway arms linked. well maybe not exactly but we wouldn't sit at a desk and start to cry. did i mention that she started crying the other day in history she started crying when devin brought up the fact that kevin jonas is getting married? ummm, get your act together?

note: this is my burn book. but instead of it just being all about other people everything relates back to me. you read anything in here and you will be reading a piece of me. on wikiHow it says that "a burn book is an extremely bad idea. not only could you lose friends, but if people find it, they COULD hate you." yeah i realize that. that is why now no one can read this except for people i invite. and read this tip that wikihow also has "maybe the last day before graduation put it somewhere like in one of the bathroom stalls and see who gets framed". hahahaha. that would be wonderful if someone did that. but the main point of that whole article was don't get caught but be prepared to. and here i am wanting to publish this. maybe publishing is a bad idea. but really it's just an idea now and it won't even come close to being reality until years from now.

one things that worries me is this blog will just disappear one day. like be gone. everything i wrote would be lost and i would never be able to get it back. i would hate but maybe it would be a sort of signal to move on with me life and leave the past behind. 6:27 is the current time, my birthday. but i sort of like this and i would want to keep it and look back. right now it is here though and right now i am going to look and see if there is a way to back this up.

sometimes i wish that i could be the new girl. it would most likely be a horrible experience but it would also give me the chance to start over and be with people who don't know who i already am. would it help my confidence? maybe not. but you know it's nice to imagine that it would be better because if i found out that nothing is better than where i am now then it sort of makes the whole world seem sort of thumbs down because hrhs ain't too great of a high school. i still use ain't. nuff said.

i imagined myself getting cancer and talking to my classmates via webcam. the whole tenth grade would be in the auditorium and my face would be on the new screen and i would talk to them. i would tell them about how i would never be that quiet smart girl, i would be the girl with cancer. and i had pretty much a whole speech planned out while i was on the bus.

is that horrible? i think it is my inner self crying for attention. crying to be heard and listened to by people other than in my circle. crying for people to hear my story. so i don't want cancer. and i love how i can just say outright exactly the reason behind things in my life. so does that mean there is another secret reason even farther down? probably but i've done enough digging for one night. cause that whole crying stuff up there, i just thought of that now while i was writing it. and now i have to go watch some glee because i love that show very much.

facebook quizzes for everyone.

i just took a facebook quiz. someone said it was scarily accurate. after the simple questions like what is your favorite number and colors and such i thought it would be wrong. read it:

Sadness

You don't like being sad so you hide it when you are from others and yourself. You enjoy being happy and up-beat, you don't like showing when you're unhappy. But at times the simplest thing can make you cry becuse you hold it in too long.

i thought i was famous for over complicating things? hm. maybe i'm getting better. so here's my horoscope for today.

If you are doing a presentation, lecture or any other kind of performance today you are very fortunate, Cancer, because your stars are perfect for it. You have the ability to make really complicated things seem simple, and the force to keep people interested. That connected with a sense of humor and likability makes for the perfect scenario. Other places where this may apply are for interviewing, auditioning or appearing in court for any reason - things will go your way as long as you present yourself well.

this should be a good one.

actually probably not cause i'm too tired. but i have the right feelings now. they just came rushing back when i opened up this page.

"you are always mad at me" thanks Katelyn. like i didn't already know that. but i just had to respond "no, i'm not." but you got it right! thats because lately you have been treating me like dirt but it goes both ways doesn't it? i have been hoping you would get the idea. and today in history when i picked Steph over you? yeah i hope you get the picture. but you have Devin, Heather, and probably Sawyer too, idk i don't pay attention to that. but seriously pretending to be Jon Lennon or whoever and Devin your wife and then naming everyone different people who were part of their lives? i'm not really into that stuff. and how much work did you actually get done yesterday in history?

that reminds me i still have history homework. that would mean that this blog will have to be cut short. but i'm still mad at Katelyn. she got something right.

but how do you end a friendship? just think about it because i don't have enough time to elaborate on my opinions. plus my opinions are not always right, but do opinions even have a right or wrong? i don't think so. it's just my opinion. but seriously, how do you end a friendship?