hi. how are you today? i'm alright. sort of tired and i want to just give up. just like stop everything and say "woah this whole life thing? it's not for me".

i'm not going to give up though. i'm not a quitter. i am probably one of the most determined people you will ever meet. give me a goal, a challenge, anything and i'll do all in my power to accomplish it. competitive? sure but i don't let it get the best of me. seriously. i know when it's not worth my effort. at least i like to think i do but i don't always get everything right.

i need to be doing algebra homework or maybe start on some TCN but instead i'm writing this blog to help me focus myself again.

i wrote more 50,000 words in a month. wow. i'm amazing. but i've always known that. the goal is to not forget it because well, you are amazing too.

i haven't finished the novel and that is a bit scary because i don't know if i will ever finish it. i've always started books and novels and such and never finished them.

correction. i'm going to finish this book and i'm going to finish it before the first day of 2010. thank you very much.

is it bad that i decided not to go to the barn because it is freezing out? i sort of wanted to because i wanted to escape this house with my stressing family. maeve needs to learn some stress management and how to just get things done. i think that will come with time though.

i don't want to go back to school tomorrow. even though today it sort of felt like i belonged and was supposed to be there i guess. it was sort of strange. but now that i am home i know that i was wrong. i'm better than high school and i don't want to go back again. i don't even have abby in any of my classes and i won't see her at all tomorrow and even when i do see her it's like we barely even have anything to talk about and it's just stupid. especially since she is the only friend i have right now. except for stephanie and katelyn but i'm not sure if they should count. but what the heck are you suppose to count friends by? does it even matter? i'm sure it doesn't because well i'm going to be better than most if not all of the people in that school when i grow up. i'm going to have multiple books published but that isn't going to be how i make a living. i'm going to be a business woman and i'm not going to let my ears hurting on the landing of a plane or my inner fear of flying to keep me from traveling.

oh and now Ian and Keith and who knows who else knows that i wrote a novel because that's all Devin was talking about today. she would always tell about her success and include mine in it. so if i remember right i think Keith said he would buy it if i published it or something like that. well i probably won't publish it and you'll probably forget about it by the time i actually finish it. and what is this the first time you've talked to me all year? righy-o. and no Ian it is not about horses biting each other flanks. yeah thanks but no. and thanks Devin for spreading it around because i'm not sure i even want anyone to read it yet.

i think i am more focused and calm and relaxed. but i'm also exhausted. it's eight oclock. i want to go to sleep right now but instead i'm going to keep working on homework. yeah. not going to finish it so i'll do it in study hall tomorrow.

oh so Ian asks me to help him with his homework when i have study hall some days so he asked me in spanish today if i had study hall today and i told him i didn't so he tried to have me help him with it right then but we didn't have time and i'm told him that i'd come up during office aide and help him but i never did. i felt bad. i meant to say something to him but i didn't. so it was sort of like i stood him up. ha. and no don't go drawing conclusions about me and Ian, that is the only time he talks to me - when he needs help with homework. whatever.

now i'm just stalling by still writing. and goodness well i'm just a girl who makes a lot of mistakes and wrong choices who needs to find her inciting moment where she actually gains the courage to make a change in her life for the better or comes to terms and accepts her life as it is which will give her courage and self confidence but neither has been happening instead she has been writing run on sentences when she should be doing her math homework.

i wish that i could just write and not talk. i always say the wrong things. like when Abby had more Michelle drama, i had nothing to say because i didn't know what the heck to say. Abby has Avarie who will go punch Michelle in the face for her and they are more in it and whatever. but i should stop talking like that. i'm happy being the rock who is just always there for Abby because she is definitely mine. i just wish that i could figure out a way to talk to her more often. well at least on December 29th we are going to spend the whole day together. and if she backs out of those plans then we are doing it on the 30th. if she can't do it then well then we will keep pushing it back a day until it works but i'm almost certain i will be at her house at 10 o'clock or earlier on Tuesday December 29th and we are going to go to some sort that will carry the glee dvd, purchase it, then spend the whole rest of the day watching it from the beginning. yes. it will probably end up being twelve hours or more. wow. we better make this a sleepover. okay with you Abby?