yeah i don't wear lipstick.
i just watched Abby perform again. and now i feel like crying? yeah that doesn't have anything to do with watching Abby perform. well it probably does because everything is connected and even though i'm not sure exactly why i am feeling what i am feeling right now i'm sure it is connected to everything, EVERYTHING, that has happened in my life. because things just connect to other things like that.
i wish i could read you mind. not in a creeperish way. but then if i did then i would become influenced by what you think. i would want to please you and make you think good thoughts about me. then i wouldn't be me anymore. i would become controlled by your thoughts. well i could become controlled by your words but i'm not. i have to stop worrying about what other people are thinking. i have to stop being so insecure about my friendships with people. i need to shut up and suck it up. i need to accept that everyone has flaws and i shouldn't be so picky when picking friends because well i lucked out once and i can't expect to luck out again. i have my one.
what are the odds that you person you will spend the rest of your life with is at your high school? hm. let me go look up the total population of the world. it was estimated on this day for there to be 6.803 billion people in this world. let's say about half are of the gender you prefer. that makes 3.4015 billion people of the opposite gender. well you can wipe out about half of them because they are either extremely young or extremely old. that makes 1.70075 BILLION people, a billion is that many -> 1000000000000, how the hell are you supposed to find "the one"? and right to answer the original question - i would say there are maybe 1,000 students in hampshire regional, 500 of the correct sex. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. not to say it isn't possible because it is. it most definitely (spelled right) is.
this is a strange blog. i was going to talk about the show and how much i just like seeing abby perform and how i don't normally like to see her after the show. i like to see her and talk to her because that makes me feel like i matter to her and such but she is also overwhelmed by the amount of people and i just want her to breath and relax. plus what are you supposed to talk about when you are just standing around in a hallway surrounded by other people doing the same thing? i just find it awkward. plus she has other people to talk to. but why am i talking about that?
how about i talk about how i missed Abby saying happy birthday to my mother. i'm guessing she said it during intermission when i was out and about with my sisters. yep. i always go to these things with my two younger sisters and mother. i would like to say i'm fine with that and in a way i am but no buts. that's it. okay.
oh! i know what else i wanted to talk about. the lovely ring on my finger right now. i'm not wearing it because i love high school and they are the best years of my life. ha. ha. ha. no. i'm wearing it as a reminder that i'm going to get out of this place. i'm going to be bigger and better than this little public high school in the middle of nowhere. don't get me wrong, i love the middle of nowhere and i'm going to have a house here, one of many. and please realize that when i say all of these goals, i know i'm going to get there and i also know it isn't going to be easy and my plans and goals might change a bit. but whatever my goal is, i'm going to get there no matter how long it takes. i hope when i read this again i will be able to feel the determination that my fingers and heart felt when i was writing this down. i'm determined. i just have to be passionate about it and it's going to happen. like finishing my novel before 2010? right now i don't have the determination, i don't have the passion but i'm going to change that now. hey molly guess what? you're going to finish a novel in 2009.
okay now that we have that all settled. the next subject in my head would be to talk about how Steph was all like "if you're in middle school you shouldn't need your parents there to have a shot" when i told her that parents came to be with their kids when they got their shots. um Steph i find that offensive because guess what? i'm in 10th grade and i need my mother there when i get a shot. i hate shots. my mother has put off me getting a shot for two years now that my doctor has wanted me to get because i hate shots. and also because she doesn't think i'll be having sex any time soon. correct there mother! i'm lucky if i even talk to a guy. not that my mother and i have ever talked about sex or marriage or anything like that. not that i want to either. we have a sort of understanding i guess or maybe it's not an understanding at all. she's not the parent that i just go to and tell her everything. i wasn't going to even tell her that i got an 87 on history day project while someone else in my class got an 100. but i did. i wonder what she thinks about me. actually i don't. i don't care what people think from now on. from now on i'm going to stop caring about what people think because i'm not going to let the thoughts that they think but i can't hear rule my life because that is what i'm doing. i'm letting their thoughts, that i can't even hear, rule my life. i'm better than that. i'm above that. so no more.
easier said than done.
i'm starting to break one of my habits. the habit of wrapping my arms around me when i walk around the hallways at school. i feel like that symbolizes my little shell that i hide in. i need to break it open. so whenever i catch myself "hugging" myself i make myself put my arms down. i don't really know if that accomplishes anything but at least it makes me feel like i'm doing something towards showing everyone who i really am.
wait a second. who ever said that you need to show everyone who are you through your speech and actions? why couldn't i just write it down? oh right because society expects you to speak and you don't have a speech bubble above your head, you have to do the actual speaking and the actual acting. you can't just sit at your little chair and type away everything that you want to say and everything that you think. stupid society. i think you need to rethink a bit because you are completely discriminating against those who would prefer to just write everything down.
i don't want to write everything down. i want to be loud. i want to talk. i want my voice to be heard in people's ears not in their eyes. why? i don't know. speaking and writing are two different things. why not stick with what i'm good at - writing? maybe because the message is different when it is words on paper. there is only so much of a person's voice you can hear through 2D words on a piece of paper or computer screen. but there are advantages to writing down too, at least for me but those are advantages that are situational. i could get them from speaking. like saying what i want to and figuring out exactly what i say and feel. but that doesn't really happen when i write either. i just find it easier. who should take the easier path? but how come people who find speaking easier don't have to write all the time. it's unfair to us writers. again this society should have a major change here in my favor.
no i don't want society in my favor. that would be like having everything handed to you. i want to fight for what i want. people might say that is stupid but i don't think so. you can either earn something or be given something. i'd rather earn it.
i'm rather go to sleep. it's 10:00. i've been writing for a long time and i don't think anyone will be able to understand half of that other than me. it's in molly thought code. barely anyone understands it. i barely understand it. great.
i just had a thought - what would people think if they read this? not a good thought. not a good one. because i don't care what people think anymore. i need to stop thinking those thoughts. i don't care what they think.
truth? i still do care.
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