okay serious topic for a second.

okay so Katelyn and I have a sort of complicated relationship. we are friends. but i don't like her all that much. she is so negative. and things she says sometimes annoys me. and sometimes i feel like i can't really by myself around her. like i don't want her to be around when i talk to Josh, or even make new friends. it's weird. but i spend a lot of time with her at school. that's because we have a ton of classes together and neither of us have any other friends in those classes. but like at lunch i chose to sit with Abby, not her. and at driving school I talked to Emily and Danny instead of her. does that make me a bad person? but i can't control who i like and who i don't. right? i shouldn't feel bad should i? but i do. well i mostly feel bad for the following paragraph.

katelyn doesn't have a good family life. her parents don't treat her like they should. they aren't horrible. they just expect so much from her and give her nothing in return. they didn't buy her any christmas presents. they expect her to work at the store and they don't give her any money. they won't let her drop out of AP. and it just makes katelyn a more negative person. and i know that katelyn is going through a hard time. today on her tumblr she posted: "i’m screaming all over the place. I feel so sick. There’s only one thing I want right now, and it is never going to happen. motherfuck. i feel so lonely right now. the black hole is only getting bigger. " so i'm supposed to be there and support her but that's where the problem is. if she was perfectly fine then i wouldn't be obligated to be her friend because i don't really like her. but because she isn't perfectly fine, suddenly i have to stick with her no matter what. but that isn't fair to me is it?

but she invited me to go to her house for new year's. and i don't want to go. as simple as that. i don't like going to her house. last time i slept over there i had to sleep on the ground while she slept on the couch. her house smells. and i ripped a magazine of hers by accident and she won't let me forget it. when she invited me i said i wasn't sure because bella already invited me to her party and Mollie said in a joking way "oh choose your friends why don't you?" and i said something like "Bella asked me first!" but isn't that what you are supposed to do? choose your friends? you know that saying "you can pick your friends. you can pick your nose. but you can't pick your friend's nose" but is that even true? can you pick your friends? or once you pick them are you stuck with them?

i don't want to create any drama. and i don't want to make katelyn's life any worse. so my plan right now is to just hang in there with her at school. and you know have her follow me to my locker between each class and walk with me to each class. and then after high school have some correspondence during college but then just slowly lose touch. that would be the easiest and most painless.

but then sometimes i think that maybe it is me. maybe i can only have one friend at a time. because back when i was really close with katelyn, i wasn't really close with abby. and now that i am really close with abby, i'm not really close with katelyn. bella and dana are always there but that's kind of different. but really other than them i don't have any real friends. that's sad. i have people that i talk to but it's really just the four of them. so why am i talking so negatively about one of them? shouldn't i take all the friends i can get? i don't think that way. i believe in picking your friends because they will shape you in so many ways. they can drag you down or pull you up. i hope that katelyn won't pull me down.

so my dilema right now. i want to do new year's with abby. i wouldn't mind if other people were there, but i would like abby to be there. so how do i say no to katelyn when i am going to be with someone i made plans with after she offered? and i'm not even going to the party i mentioned i might be going to. big sigh. i guess i should figure out what i am doing with abby. my mom said we could have a few friends come over our house. which is good because we have coolio games and enough room. but then i would want to do it at abby's because i get to be away from my family for a little bit, and she could invite other people to come over her house that i wouldn't invite over my house. but this will all be discussed with abby tomorrow.

okay. okay.