i am going to try to decode my feelings and thoughts a bit. that means this will probably get very messy. just bear with me. roar. do bear's roar? see i've already lost you.

now i have to figure out where to start.
i think i will start here.
you know how in the last blog i wrote i said: ""wants to move forward but feels like he is moving too fast..." but i'm trying to convince myself that the status is about some scubagirl or maybe Emily but how am I supposed to know. but yeah." ohh i thought i deleted the Emily part and I was going to add it back in. so there goes that. but we were watching this movie Smashed which is very graphic so i decided to opt out of watching it so instead i drew a bunch of flowers on a piece of paper. but throughout the movie Emily and Danny would talk and I normally was not in the conversation. and when Emily would talk to me Danny would just face front. occasionally we would meet eyes or whatever and i would smile but that was really it. and at break and lunch he wasn't as talkative or i can remember once he talked to Emily about soccer. but then we were outside waiting for our parents to pick us up and i sort of blew that chance. i was going to ask him something about what i missed in the movie i decided not to watch but instead i sat on the ground next to him and he listened to his ipod. when i left i said "bye" and he said "bye" and then Maeve was in the car and I went to show her the room and i passed by him and smiled. i would have introduced her to him but then she would have asked about a million and two questions and i didn't want that. so yeah. that doesn't really explain my "feelings and thoughts" as I said earlier.

what's the criteria you need before you take the next step to be in a relationship with someone? you like them obviously. but that word "like" is the part that bothers me. what the heck does that mean? it doesn't tell you how you feel when you are with someone or what your conversations sound like. so how are you supposed to know? how does it work? i don't know. i just don't know.

so I'll keep going on Danny since I already started to talk about him. I think he is good looking. I think he is a good guy. I like his taste of music. I enjoy talking to him. I enjoy most of his sense of humor such as when he pretended he didn't know what Back to School Shopping was when Emily brought it up and she believed him. pause...i can't think of anything else. is that a bad thing? should i be listing so much. but that's all i really know. i high respect that he scuba dives and knows karate and he played soccer last year and he watched Glee and enjoyed it. i can't think of anything else. sometimes he tries to make a joke out of something in a movie that doesn't work out but that doesn't really matter because i say stupid things all the time that i regret later. am i supposed to feel more? what is supposed to happen?

now what about Adam. i really like talking to him. i think he is cute. i like very much that he is working at the barn. he goes to the same school as me. but that is really all. what am i supposed to feel like to say "i want to be in a relationship with him" and mean it? i don't know at all.

or how does it work now, you can go on a date with someone but you aren't "together" or "boyfriend/girlfriend" yet? i don't know. what even does "boyfriend/girlfriend" mean?

this is too complicated. seriously. why can't it just be an easy pattern that everyone follows that just makes it easy. and why can't everyone's feelings and thoughts be shown to everyone else. seriously.

tomorrow is the last day of driving school. i am kind of very glad. but the worst part is that I will probably never talk to Danny again and I might not talk to Emily very much either. It's different when you sit next to each other for six hours a day than when you are just out and about in normal day life when you don't see them or even if you do see them in school. it is just different.

i haven't ridden my horse is more than a week and i don't want to. i need to go to the barn eventually today and my mom said to tell her when i wanted to go but i haven't said anything yet. i don't know. why can't everything be easier and simpler?

do you remember back in ninth grade when I worried about boys all the time? i did the whole obsess thing. i did it on Matt Cabral and then i did a bit on Josh Rivard as well. so i have completely pushed Matt out of my head but hey all because I liked him before then didn't again doesn't mean that Josh is out of the picture, he sat next to me at bowling and helped me when my brain didn't function properly while adding.

i guess this blog was sort of pointless because all i can do is wait and slowly weave my relationships with me. not like "a relationship" but the other definition. just by existing and talking to them and being there i guess. just get through another day and see what that brings.

sigh.