it's beginning.

i could easily stay up until midnight doing homework tonight but i'm not going to. why? because i'm tired and working on my spanish project in this state will not be good. i will just wing it and whatever i get as a grade i get. i think my health is important unlike those girls who will stay up all hours to do homework. i'm sorry but i can't do that. if i get a low grade on my spanish project then i do. like on my chemistry quiz, i got a 79. i don't really care. i had fun going to that powderpuff game. and one quiz isn't that big of a deal. it will get to be a big deal if i get Cs on everything. a very big deal because now i am expected to maintain a 92 average to stay on the Academic Society and i need good grades for college. so. but i am not worrying about all of that tonight. i am going to write this post and then go to sleep.

today we had PSATs but the PSATs weren't my concern. guess what was? boys! ha. yeah. by reading this post you would have no idea how dedicated i actually am to school. but anyways. yep. there were three lovely boys in my room. i probably shouldn't have used that word "lovely" and there were more than three but only three concerned me. Josh Rivard sat to my right, Adam Munska somewhere behind me, and Dimitri Rizos to my front. Dimitri probably shouldn't count because i don't really have a chance at becoming friends with him, well i could if i talked to him but i am not really concerned with him. i'm more concerned with Josh and Adam. funny how that happens. earlier this week i barely paid attention to Josh. well i would see him and sort of acknowledge him but i didn't think that he thought about me so just went on. now it's like "oh. there could be something here." and i'm not sure if i like that. because it gets me thinking too much and worried too much and acting differently and yeah. but whatever. and Adam is just a little boy who needs more confidence. he needs to talk to me because i'm not going to go out of my way every time to say hi to him first. i have said hi to him first so many times that he should know that i want to talk to him. he probably doesn't. silly boy.

but yeah that was why i was frustrated. during break when everyone was talking to each other i was just sitting there by myself. anyone could have talked to me. but no one did. Josh turned the other way and talked to someone else. Nicole turned the other way and talked to Casey and Renee. Adam went with his friend to get a drink and go to the bathroom. Dimitri walked over to the other side of the room. anyone else i could have possibly talked to when to the bathroom. so i was pretty much open game for Josh to talk to me or for Adam to talk to me when he got back or for Dimitri to talk to me when he came back to his seat. did they? did anyone? nope.

you know that song "(If You're Wondering If I Want You To" I Want You To) by Weezer? yeah it pretty much applies to my situation right now. i guess you could argue that i should talk to them or whatever. and in the case of Adam I have multiple times but i always have to start the conversation and keep it going which is just annoying. it would be nice if he started a conversation once or he was the first one to say hi. and i don't even know what is up with Josh, Abby just has my mind all freaked out. and i'm not upset or angry about that. but i just don't want to do something stupid and that want will probably make me do something stupid. it's like i want to know where i stand and i want to make progress towards some kind of relationship (remember relationship can be friends or enemies, not just bf/gf). why don't they talk to me? in the case of Adam it is either because he doesn't have the confidence or he doesn't want to. in the case of Josh probably because we have never really talked before so why start now? old habits are hard to break.

so that is why i was frustrated. and still am. but hey it gives me something to think about and it will be a nice story to tell in years to come.

oh and then i made a bit of a fool of myself sixth period. i went down to Mr. Dewitt's classroom to makeup a test and he has a study hall. oh guess who is in that study hall. Josh. ha. he was sitting in the back corner. Mr. Dewitt gives me the test and i can sit wherever i want. maybe it would have been smart to just sit in the front but i was sort of used to going to the back to stay out of the way of the class but hey it's a study hall so that was stupid thinking. so i ended up in the back next to Josh which was just silly of me. he was on his laptop the whole time and then put his head down on his desk and probably fell asleep while i was gong through this horrible AP test. either he was like "oh great here comes this girl", he didn't even notice, or he appreciated my presence. i vote one of the first two. i should of sat next to Mollie.

but i'm just playing mind games with myself. i really have no evidence of anything that i have seen with my own eyes from any guy. only inferences which i shouldn't trust. and a bunch of guesses based off of my wonderful imagination. i'm probably screwing myself over. whatever.

Abby want to go to the movies this weekend? yes even after all this i would like to go maybe with some young gentlemen friends. but i have a horse show on Sunday and i have to help set up on Saturday so i am not sure what time will actually work. so not sure how that will happen. but i am sort of nervous if it does happen because it is sort of like the evaluation day, judgment day. if it goes well then great it goes well, but then if it doesn't go well then it doesn't go well. i will be paying attention to everything really trying to judge and see what i think and putting it in my mind for later. you know what i'm saying? but i guess it is better to just find out then to be guessing. right? been guessing since eighth grade on and off. that's more than three years. well that sounds dramatic. you should pay attention to the on and off.

i really need to go to sleep now. it's 8:44pm and i'm exhausted. tomorrow is another day with Spanish presentation and Chemistry test and all.

Edit at 9:05pm via my iPod:
I forgot to mention that I think I might of scared the guys of because I was wearing my wonderful Taylor Mathews tshirt. While it is wonderful it says " do you believe" on the front and on the back "in love?" While I think that is wonderful other people may not think so. But hey if they were afraid to talk to me they could of just walked up to me and said "yes" to which I would of grinned and said " me too" and then I would of had a ton of respect and admiration for that person. But that is just my imagination getting the better of me. Time to go to sleep and dream up some more ridiculous scenarios.