i would be dead right now...

if i wasn't breathing. or if the lockdown drill we had today was for real. because our whole class left before we were supposed to. the police unlocked our door and said we were "all set to stay in our classroom" but when the bell rang for third period we looked in the hallway and everyone on the second floor was out so we just left. turns out we were supposed to wait for the announcement. so that sucks. and it means our school sort of failed our test. we will probably have to do it again until we get it right. but anyways.

i am not going to the movies this weekend. looking up those movie times was a waste of me wasting my time. but whatever. i am not really mad at Abby cause she is babysitting and all she does is either work at Mt. Tom's or babysits or has some family thing. i'm more mad at myself because i pretty much have two opinions of people i would want to go to the movies with. in other words: i have no friends. ha. it isn't funny at all actually. but let me reasoning for why i think i only have a few friends.

1 - Katelyn is in all my classes so i don't feel the need to make new friends. I explain this a bit last time.
2 - I never know what to say to people. I really don't. Small talk doesn't really work for me.
3 - In addition to number two, I am too nervous to actually start a conversation. You know say that first sentence. Walk up to someone out of the blue and just talk to them. People don't do that at my school.
4 - I don't "need" friends. Well anymore than I have. If Abby decided she didn't like me anymore then I may be in trouble. Like emotionally or mentally, I would probably break down. Then if Katelyn decided she didn't like me anymore, I mean less than she might now, then everyday would just be so much worse. And if Dana decided she didn't like me anymore then riding would just be torture. But other than those three friends I'm fine.
5 - I'm scared.

Look at that. I'm actually making lists and organizing my post instead of making giant paragraphs. Congratulations. Yes, I just congratulated myself. BUT HEY i tried to talk to Keith Cotinor today because we were the only two in 3rd period because everyone else was still in lock down. I said "Keith, what class were you just in?" and he just walked out of the room. I was just like "whatever Keith, just walk away." but I didn't say that out loud. I didn't really care and it wasn't that important, I just thought that I would let you know that I did try to start a conversation.

So I decided that I am going to sit back and wait for people to come to me.

But not really.

Why not?

Because I'm scared.

But I'll elaborate on that. I'm scared that I will miss out on someone amazing. Boy or girl, boyfriend or friend. Like because I didn't say Hi to them then they will never say Hi to me and then we will never get to know each other and I just let an amazing person leave my life. But the thing is I'm not acting on thoughts that maybe that person would be a cool person to know. Instead I beat myself up because I don't talk to them. But yeah.

I think that is all. I should do some IDSs. or some math homework. or not. or maybe so. or ahhh. just kidding. i'm not actually screaming or "ahhh"ing about this. i just don't want this blog post to end. but it's going to. right now.