i just want to say that last night was wonderful! a whole group of us played spoons, but instead of spoons we used pens. and it was soooo much fun. so it was me, Roxy, Lily, Vivian, Leandra, Joe, Claire, Irfaan, and I think that is it...but it's so funny playing with people who haven't played before. they will be like "oh!" and get all excited or Irfaan would scream every time it was time to grab pens. that was the funniest part, every time he screamed. once Claire was able to take the pen without anyone noticing for a while, which was so cool. i won one time and the other time i was top two, but Claire got four first. it was so much fun. those are the kind of nights that make me feel that i'll be good here at college. i just have to surround myself with those kind of people who find playing card games fun, compared to going out drinking. so yeah. hopefully we can do it again sometime.

i'm lucky i got the room i did. i love my roommates. Vinita's pandora isn't working so she is singing her own music. Lily is talking on the phone and all. Roxy was sitting on the floor doing her homework but now she is making a video for her boyfriend of the dorms. Vivian came in and said hi and then went back to watching her tv shows. and we are all chilling in my dorm room, with the dorm open so the guys across the hallway came in and talked to us for a bit. i love it.

i had my first class today, First Year Seminar, and I liked it because it's with all my floor mates which is awesome. and i love our teacher, Monica. and then we went and did a "day one make a difference" thing so we did community service with Monica and then talked to her. Roxy, Vivian, and I were the only ones from our group who went so it was some good connection time with the teacher you know.

but i have classes tomorrow, i'm excited for them. i have calculus and accounting, i already did some reading but i didn't understand it that much.

but yeah, if you want to call me Abby you can, the new few days will be the most stressful, or they were for me. i know Josh is already stressing. but anyways. i have like an hour before i have to kick these girls out of my room. XD

for me the drive wasn't that hard or long. maybe because i was relaxed and chill about the whole thing, i only really got nervous when we pulled up but then i soon figured everything out and relaxed again. i had cried the day before a lot so i was all cried out so saying goodbye wasn't too bad for me, but it was hard watching my mom cry. but so far i'm not homesick at all. i'm relaxing now in my dorm.

last night i ended up staying up until 2:30, shortly after i finished that last blog post the guys we went to the party with, plus two others, came down to the common room so we were talking to them, which was fun because they were "tipsy" and they called it. but i was exhausted so i couldn't really think properly to have an actual conversation. and then we got back to the room and shortly after Vinita came in so we were talking to them and then the guys wanted to see how big our room was so they came in for a second. and really since our days are so packed with all the orientation stuff, the only time we can do anything is at night. but i'm planning on actually going to bed early tonight because i have one class tomorrow. and also once classes start we will have more free time and maybe i won't feel like staying up all the time. maybe just on the weekend. it's nice just hanging out and talking and relaxing.

anyways abby, relax about college. hopefully everything will go as smoothly for you as it is for me. i love it here. it's so pretty and there are some cool people. and i can't wait until my classes start to meet my professors and classmates and learn things. babson is so awesome. really. the few days before leaving for college were the most stressful, once i got here, then everything fell into place. well i still have some clothes to hang up but that's okay, i can do that later...

and i never posted this early...whoops. and now it's 1am and i'm still up, whoop.

so i feel like i own this blog a post because i go to college and then you don't hear from me. it's like what's going on?

but right now i'm chilling in the common room with Roxy and Joe. poor Joe has roommates who drink and smoke and all and he doesn't get along with them. last night he was watching the avengers by himself, so we sat next to him and now he has been hanging out with us. he's nice but i find him annoying kind of.

but i love Roxy. she is my favorite so far. and hopefully i'm hers too. but she is the best. she is so so so nice and cute and ahh! yeah!

but i went to my first college dance and i had fun! some upperclassman guy was trying to teach me how to actually like dance and it was fun! and we danced with a bunch of different people. i am horrible at dancing, but i just pretend like i know what i'm doing and have confidence, and nobody can tell! thank goodness Roxy danced with me the whole time. we got there like 8:30ish and stayed until a little past 10:30, it went until 12 but everyone came late and then left early. so yeah. then two guys on our floor wanted to go to a party, and we wanted to check it out, so we did, and apparently they needed us girls (Gigi came with us) to get in because they need to keep the ratio of guys to girls the same. so they had to call to get us into the dorm and it was suite style dorm. and it was your typical college party with drinking, and jello shots, we didn't stay for long because we weren't drinking. the freshmen girls who were there that let us in were nice though. and the guys we got into the party are probably still there because they were drinking, so they owe us, and hopefully they won't get in trouble. my roommate is probably out partying and drinking now so i hope she doesn't get in trouble either. kids got in trouble last night for underage drinking, and apparently someone punched a police officer and it was bad. and i think people got in trouble tonight too. but don't worry, i'm sticking to not drinking and Roxy is as well so i have someone on my side. which is good.

but i really like it so far. there are some good people here and i'm looking forward to meeting more people once classes start. i'm excited for my classes, is that weird?

now i really should go to sleep, because i have been up this late ever since we got here and it's probably not good for me, but maybe i will get used to the whole college sleeping schedule. bed at 1:30 and up at 8:30, 7 hours isn't bad, i would prefer 8 or 9 but i can deal with 7.

first day of college is a success. up in 6 and a half hours for day two.

driving away today was the hardest thing. i was annoyed because i didn't get to spend as much time with him as i would have liked to because we had a long dinner where nicole, kristi, and sharon talked the whole time. then josh had to help load nicole's stuff. so we were finally alone after that. and then josh needed to help load more stuff up. and nicole and kristi thought they would come keep me company, so kristi told me her whole situation with nate, which i really didn't need to know. it was just awkward and i didn't know what to say. it was weird. finally josh came down but at that point i was just spent.

it was so sad though. i cried several times before it was time to leave. and then i started crying when i realized i had to put the car in drive and then leave. as soon as i started driving i said "fuckkkkk" and i was sobbing as i was pulling away and he was still standing there. now i'm starting to cry writing this. this is so hard. and i still haven't gotten it in my head that tonight is the last night i will get to sleep on this bed for a while and i will have to deal with roommates and new people and a new place all at the same time tomorrow. and i don't know how i'm going to do it.

and oh josh's grandparents came over too to say goodbye to nicole which reminded me that i forgot to go say by to my grandparents which made me feel worse and like i should be spending time with my family instead of listening to josh's family talk. so yeah today was not a good day.

but tomorrow i will be a college student and i will be moving forward on my path.

breaking down, crying again.

so today i got upset when the dentist said i had a cavity. and she made me look at it. and then her assitance gave me a huge speel about how this is a great time to get a cavity because it college lifestyles change and there are a lot of energy drinks and sugary foods and at least you got it now and can nip it in the bed and make sure you drink water or milk. it's like, kid, you don't even know me. don't be giving me lectures about taking take of my teeth. i don't drink soda, or energy drinks, or coffee: all i drink is water and milk. so fuck off. and i take care of my teeth, i just hate flossing, just like some people hate to have their cuticles pushed down or have their nails filed. i don't like the way flossing feels and it's going to get stuck in my teeth. and i hate it. blah. stupid dentist. at least i don't have to get my wisdom teeth out now, they said i will eventually though.

and honestly i'm just so tired and stressed and that didn't help. i feel like i have to hang out with everyone. yesterday was crazy driving back and forth to pick up Zamira and Valentina, then drop them off, then bring Maeve and Maura to circus, and then go to the barn, and then go home and shower and eat, and then go bowling, then go to Josh's, then go back home. today after the dentist i had lunch with my dad and now i just want to sleep, but i can't because i still need to go to the barn and then do something with josh, but then my dad was like "are we going out to dinner tonight" or something like as a last family dinner. and it's like ahhhh, i still need to make sure i have everything packed. and i'm just stressed out.

i think i'll just lie on my bed for a bit and then figure out what's next.

Abby, now go make a list of everything you are excited about and are looking forward to!

And if you still need it, go look at this site: collegepackinglist.com

crap. i had something i was going to post about but now i forget. shucks.

but my cousin is having a baby! i'm so excited! even though they live in West Virginia...but yeah! it's exciting!

college in 3 days, or let's figure this out, 60 hours? i think so, two and a half days really. so yeah, but i'm not going to get into that now, i think i'm going to go to sleep. yeah sleep sounds good.

Abby, i'm stressed out too. Today I cried when i went over josh's for the first time about all these college stuff. but that's not what i came to make a blog about.

i was reading an article about Nick Cannon and they called him Mr. Mariah Carey, which i loved!

when you eat dinner past 10 you know it's been a good day.

(i have Love and Affection by Neon Trees stuck in my head)

i just saw a picture of the olympian Lea Neal, who is 17 and won a medal at the olympics this year, when she was 9 years old with Michael Phelps, like she was getting something signed from him or something. and this year she was his teammate. that's so crazy to me. i love it!

so i planned earlier to talk about 4 pet peeves/annoyances i have. i'm trying to decide if i'm still in the mood to talk about them. sure. what were they again?

- taxes

- paying for college

- riding

- crap, what was the last one, fudge muffins

but i'll start with the riding one - that Bella can go and ride in a show after riding her horse maybe once since the last show she went to over a month ago, and before that she rode her horse maybe once. and she does well, so she thinks that she doesn't have to ride. i hate that she is getting rewarded for not working hard. she has a perfectly healthy horse that she doesn't ride, when Maeve has a lame horse with ringbone that maybe never be healthy again that she would love to ride but can't. life sucks sometimes. and not to mention Dvora too also has a healthy horse that she never rode, but i can't say if she has been riding him more since she came back from camp because he is at a different barn currently.

okay, now i don't usually talk about politics because i'm not well educated about either side. all i know is that i hate it when people make comments and digs about people who believe the opposite that they do, or whatever. but one thing that annoys me is when people think that rich people should pay more taxes. it's like saying: "oh, you have worked hard to get all this money? let's penalize you make you give us a lot of your hard earned money." i'm not saying they should pay less taxes than everyone else, they can pay the same amount. actually, why the heck do we have to pay so much taxes anyways? taxes on this, taxes on that. and also back to the rich people. i think people might think that rich people should pay more taxes because they were just handed their money - but that is an incorrect belief. most rich people today worked hard and earned their money, very few inherit their money. if you don't believe me there are a few people who agree with me: Luke Landes (of consumer commentary), Robert Frank (of Wall Street Journal) who uses stats from three different research groups, Stephen D. Simpson (of Investopedia), and Bert Whitehead (of Fiscalisadvisory). i'm sure people who believe that the rich should be taxed hardcore could find some studies that prove that since they have a ton of money they now need to give more to their government than everyone else.

but this leads right into my next complaint. this is a little different because i'm sort of annoyed at myself and just frustrated in general i guess. i'm frustrated because Babson didn't give me a scholarship, and my parents never applied for financial aide, maybe because they thought they wouldn't qualify? i mean maybe they wouldn't have, but there are a lot of kids who have parents that make a lot more money than i do who are going to Babson. so my parents have to pay the full amount for me to go to school. according to collegeboard, my parents will have to pay $59,170 this year for me to go to school at Babson. that is including $1,020 for supplies - i don't know how they calculate that so i don't know how accurate it is, but seeing how much i've had to pay for books and stuff...yeah. i know that it is my choice to go to Babson, and i know that is an expensive school, and i also know that if i had worked harder in school or maybe done more extracurricular actives or tried to find more scholarships to apply to i could have paid for that. i told my parents when i was little that i would get a scholarhip so they wouldn't have to pay for college. well i failed because they get to pay all $60,000 this year and if that keeps up, they get to pay a total of $240,000 just for me to go to school for four years. i'm like about to cry. i feel terrible. why didn't i study for another half an hour? or do something else with my life that would have made my application better, like join another club? intially i said that the last paragraph led right into this one, that was when i was going to say if my parents didn't have to pay so much taxes (they have to pay a lot, my mom has to spend so much time figuring out how much money to give the government for all her employees and stuff. sure they have money coming in, but most of it is going right back out. we aren't making a lot of money now. we've lost money the last year so now my dad has to get more involved in the company when before he was trying to delegate so he could focus on a new business idea, but now he's back in the office everyday - probably because he realizes he needs to make more money if he is going to pay for Babson) then maybe they would have enough money to send me to college without me feeling like crap like they are wasting all their money. there are so many kids who are going to college for free, or their family barely has to pay anything. do i really need a fancy business education from Babson? can't i just get some decent education from some college then just start up my own business and be set? save my parents a bunch of money? 

okay, new plan. i'm still going to Babson because i know it is a phenomenal college and i'm lucky i got accepted. out of the 5,000 something kids that applied there are only 400 something in the freshman class. i would be stupid to give up this opportunity (and by the way, i was never considering not going even with me being mad about the money thing). so what i'm going to do is i'm going to work my ass off at Babson. i'm going to get the most out of it i can. if i have to pay for it then i'm going to make sure i get very penny's worth. and then when i'm done with my four years of college i'm going to go out and get a kick-ass job and then eventually start my own business and become a successful business woman and then pay back my parents for college by sending them on trips and buying them a nice house. and then i will be able to die happy, or else i'll always feel bad for my parents spending all that money on me. right now they are making an investment in me, a big investment, so i'm going to have to deliver. better get started.

and i still can't remember what that last thing i was going to talk about was. shucks.

and now i will reply to you Abby because none of that was directed at you, that was me just blowing off steam.

you are daring taking your blog off private!

and yeah the whole party was kind of awkward because i'm not friends with anyone who was there except for you and josh. i barely even saw jayna this year, i maybe said 30 words with her the entire year. and the same last year. so really it was just strange all around. it makes me want to go to college when i don't know anyone there and no one knows me so there are no preconceived notions and you can just go strike up a conversation with anyone about anything and introduce yourself and yeah. i found when i went to the babson family day, i like talking to new people and learning about them and stuff. it's fun! so if i had thought about it some more i probably wouldn't have ended up going, but that's that and unless i go to reunions or more parties like that during vacations i will probably never see those people again, which is a strange thought but it is what it is.

and i don't think i really need help because it's all pretty much packed except for what i need to wear the next few days. i just have one more shopping trip left then i'm ready! but it's starting to get real. and sad. i'm still so excited but the goodbyes are getting closer and i'm already getting sad and teary eyed and all. and it's going to be so bad. but the good thing is that it isn't goodbye forever even when it might seem like it the first time. but yeah vacation should be good!

and monday sounds good, could we do maybe an early afternoon thing? then we can still do other things before or after. i'm just freaking out about how little time i have left. tomorrow i'm going to be at six flags all day. so that leaves me monday, tuesday, wednesday. and then thursday i'm going to the dentist and i want to spend the rest of the day with josh. and i want to ride Dolly everyday this year. and i still need to find time to go shopping and finish packing and Mollie wanted to try to do something this week too, and josh of course would like to see me more than just on thursday and i'm supposed to go to my 4h's leaders house sometime and oh my goodness, so much to do.

i can't believe i wrote so much. i really should have just went to sleep when i came upstairs instead of writing all this. i went to bed at 11:30 last night, woke up at 6:15, worked at a horse show all day, got home at 3 and literally crashed on my bed and slept for 3 hours, and then went to the barn 6:30, got home at 8 and ate dinner and have been on my laptop since then even though i'm still so tired. and now it's already 10 and i am spending the day at six flags. so woo. i need to sleep now.

but before i go, this quote of the day goes along well with what i was talking about before:

"Too often we...enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought." – John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)

goodnight world!

today has been a crazy packing day. like that's basically all i've done all day.
i started yesterday but i pretty much had to redo everything because i got new storage containers last night.

so this is what i have:
two pins that are long and short enough to go under my bed with all my long sleeve shirts.
a medium sized suitcase with all my sweatshirts, t-shirts, and some jeans
a small suitcase with all my dresses, skirts, and the rest of my pants
my sleepover duffel back with all my pjs and camis
another duffel back with all my toiletry stuff
my backpack with all my school stuff and books.

what i have left to back:
shorts
stuff for under my clothes
shoes
and random stuff like my lamp

i really wanted it to all fit in what i have but i don't know if it will end up fitting in all that since i still have all my shorts and all the shirts that i'm wearing for this week and i have a few new pieces coming that i ordered online. and i have to buy a few more things. so i might need one more smallish bag. but i think i have done enough packing for today. now i get to go babysit and then go to jayna's party. but i'm already wiped out, packing really takes it out of you. plus Finn woke me up at 8:30 and wouldn't let me go back to sleep, like she has for the past week, she only let me sleep in one day since Monday.

but now i should get some food and then get ready to babysit. i have a lovely three and a half hours in front of me. i wonder if the kids will let me take a nap, ha. definitely not.

and i'm hungry, oh right, Maura ate the rest of my mac & cheese that i made for myself. but i'm such a good sister that i knew she would want some so i didn't eat all of it. that just annoys me a lot. even though i was the one who left it for her. she should have said, that's okay Molly, i'll make my own. yeah right.

i wish i could sing well. i've said that before and i will probably say it a million more times.
just a singer can get on stage in front of a bunch of people and by singing they can make them smile and feel happy, or some other emotion. they hold so much power. i mean, even more than just singing, famous singers are such a big part of our culture and society. it's kind of amazing.
i'm not saying i would want to be a famous singer, i just wish i could sing well so i could put a few songs on youtube and maybe get a small fan base going. now don't say that i can take lessons, because i want that raw talent that you can't teach someone. so instead i must focus my efforts somewhere else. like marrying a singer. wait, what? did i just say that? hahaha, i'm just kidding...kind of. XD no no, i think it would be pretty awesome to have a husband that would sing lovely songs to me all the time, but that is not what i'm going to focus my efforts on. ha, i'm cracking myself up over that actually. i'm sitting here at the kitchen table with my music playing out loud with no one in the house and i'm smiling over my own joke. i'm pathetic.

but not for too much longer. really, i am so excited for college. like beyond excited. i can just imagine myself doing all these college things around campus. it's awesome. i can't believe i only have 8 days. so pumped. i just have moments when the fear and scared stuff hit me, but it's not for that long. then i just get amped again. like i did a ton of packing today, all my winter stuff is packed away and all my shirts are ready in a wire basket thingy, they are just waiting for a suitcase or something. and later today we are going to go to staples and cvs, well we are supposed to, we will see what happens when my family gets home.

um, what else do i want to mention? i watched the glee project this year! my favorites were Nellie and Michael. but i'm happy for Blake (even though i kept called him Shane in my head...)! i thought they would have picked Ali or Aylin because Ali is an amazing singer and she also has the advantage/disadvantage of being in a wheelchair and Aylin already had a character for herself, the muslim who is trying to break tradition and all. but Blake will be good on the show, but they can make him into whatever character they want him to be so i don't know who he will be on the show! i'm excited for glee though, i still love it. okay, so i just looked stuff up and Blake will be dating someone and he will be on Ohio, so he won't be off with Mercedes in LA or Rachel in NY. i'm excited for glee now. i just wish more people from the glee project were on glee too because i love them all.

and i just tied my hair in a knot. i'm pretty proud of myself. i've always wanted it to be long enough that i could do that. and now it is! it's the small victories in life.

um i think i am done with this blog post, now i have to find something to do for the rest of the day.

oh! one more thing, i read this new Babson Magazine and it has a little thing in the back where it talks about what all the alumni are doing and it mentioned Nick Camillo who is a singer so i looked him up and listened to his music on facebook and liked it! so i gave him a shoutout on twitter and he said back "keey an eye out for me on alumni weekend :)" which is awesome, because i mean when i think alumni, i think old people and...yeah just old people...so to think that an awesome young hot singer will be at alumni weekend, um yeah, thank you Babson. and now i'm listening to Jamie Kent who is also from Babo. yep, i think Babson and I will get along fine.

and look at that we are back to singers! i could imagine myself having a company where i help singers like Nick Camillo, Jamie Kent, and Taylor Mathews. market them, set up concerts, sell stuff. i guess like a record company or producers or whatever. it would be so much fun. but more than record companies, i would want my company to be a like a brand name, like big company. like what maker studios does with youtube, i would want to do with music. that would be awesome.

this is why i'm going to babson:

"I'm going to take an egg out of the fridge, drop it into a tub of water, and see if it breaks. Will it break? I can go to MIT and model it and get an answer that's close. Or I could just drop the egg and see what happens. Worst case? I have to buy a new egg" - President Len Schlesinger

 

i just got jealous of you since colin gets to stay over your house tonight in your room. mainly because i really didn't want to leave josh's today, i just want to fall asleep in his arms. i almost did today, i have before but i usually wake up not too much later when i know i can't stay asleep. but i couldn't stay over because he has work in the morning and even if he didn't i can't do that with little notice. even though i'm 18 nothing has changed and i don't want it to. i still respect my 11pm curfew and i still ask to go out and tell my parents where i am and everything. i don't think they deserve me trying to be all independent and adult like, i'm already leaving them to go to college, so my independence and adult-like stuff will come with that. no need to shove it in their face that i'm all grown up now. i will stay there little girl as long as possible. and right now i have 9 days left.

goodness, i'm going to cry now. when i was just lying next to josh and he was playing with my hair today, i told him that i would miss him. and he said he would miss me too, but then he said "it's going to be different" and that's when it sort of hit me. i've said that i'm going to miss him before, but that was when one of us was going away, and everything would go back to normal in a matter of weeks. now nothing is going to be the same. even during vacations i can't imagine it going back exactly how it was and then vacations don't last forever. everything is going to be so different and i don't know if i'm ready. i only have 9 days, actually really 8 days, for my life to be what i've always known it to be. and i can't really even fully appreciate it, i won't realize what i have until it's gone...right? it's like i know my life is going to change and be different but i don't know exactly how yet, so yeah. i don't know. i'm scared. i'm still excited though. i bought stuff for my dorm today in Northampton with Josh...i wonder if that was hard for him, i just thought now, that maybe it was hard for him to see me buy stuff for my dorm which will be 2 hours away from him.

on august 24th my life is going to change forever. and that's freaking scary. i don't think i could have really said that before. high school wasn't really all that new and different, i was living in the same house, i had the same friends, i was in the same town, i was still living with my family. but college...goodness.

i need to stop thinking about this before i freak myself out more.

but today was a good day. i put on makeup for josh and we went out and it didn't pour when we were in the Northampton, it only poured when we had to walk from the car to the restaurant. and we got free appetizers because our waitress never brought them out to us, and we still wanted them, so she said they were on the house once we got them after we were basically done with our meal. it made me feel grown up pointing out that we never got them, because when i was younger i just wouldn't have said anything. i'm no longer giving myself the option to be shy, and so far this summer it has been working. but yes, today was good.

Abby, I am seriously considering staying up another 20 minutes just to say happy birthday to you but i'm tired and i'm going to go to sleep. so happy birthday in 20 minutes!

today was not all that great.

Zamira and Valentina are going back to Columbia. which is the worst for Maeve. Zamira is...was Maeve's only friend that went to hampshire. And the only other friend she has is Kayla who is homeschooled. So Maeve is going to lose 50% of her friends this summer. She talked to Zamira on skype today and when she came downstairs she was very upset and wouldn't talk and when she went upstairs i heard her crying. do you realize what it means for Maeve now that Zamira is leaving? she won't have anyone in the hallways or at lunch or in her classes that is an ally. i mean there is Rosemarie but she doesn't seem to be a good friend to Maeve currently, or Maeve isn't a good friend to her. I do not know what there standing is.

Maeve is ready to go to college just as much as i am. and now i am sick of my laptop, i had more to write about but never mind.

i'm filling out this application for an emerging leaders program at babson and one of the questions is "who is a leader that you look up to and feels exemplifies leadership and why?" and the first person that came to my mind was my dad, but i think they want a well known leader. but i can't think of one female international business superstar that i know well. there's Condoleezza Rice, she more into politics than business and i don't know her well enough to write a response on her. i'm sure there are a lot of powerful businesswomen but they aren't well known to the average person, yet everyone knows that Miley Cyrus cut her hair. i think that's what i want to change. business doesn't have the weight in society that it should. i feel like the only way people know about a business is if they do something bad or wrong, and then they are all over it bashing them. but what about the good ones? the ones that one person turned around and made amazing? i guess we know a few like that...like Apple, and then we all know the story of Life is Good, and i'm sure there are more. but i want more, i guess.

right now though i need to figure out who i should write about, and i need three words to describe my leadership style.

maybe i'm not cut out for business school.

i'm a bad girlfriend. josh wanted to do something today, he told me early in the day and asked the way i wanted him to. and i was like sure! and then i decided to be lazy...and fall asleep...and do nothing on my laptop instead of getting over to the barn early and then doing something with him. and then i was picky and didn't want him to come over because it would just be the two of us and my dad at the lakehouse, or the rest of my family at my house. and his house is full of people recuperating so i didn't want to go over there. i asked him if he was annoyed with him and he sort of shrugged and said sometimes you're tired but i wonder...or something along those lines. and i wanted to start crying. he deserves better than me. i never feel like doing anything with him anymore. he deserves someone who wants to spend as much time as they can with him. i sound like i'm going to break up with him, i'm not. but is it bad that i'm looking forward to college so i wont feel obligated to hang out with him whenever i have free time and i won't feel bad when i don't hang out with him and stay home instead? i don't want to break up with him, but should i? i really don't want to. i still love him, i think i do at least. or do you not love someone when you have these thoughts? i mean when i actually do spend time with him i usually enjoy myself, more often than i feel like i would rather be some place else. it's just getting there i guess, it feels like a burden. but i would rather him break up with me than me ever breaking up with him, and i told him this. but i don't know if that is fair either. i don't think he will break up with me anytime soon. he's so in love with me. and now i'm crying. because i don't think i love him as much as he loves me. i'm afraid that i'm just saying "i love you" out of habit now. i don't know. this is so hard. i feel like he deserves someone better than me. the other day i was joking around when we were playing ping pong and i said something like "do you not like me anymore?" and he said "i don't like you, i love you" in the sweetest voice ever, and every time he says bye and i love you when i'm leaving his house his voice changes like...i don't know. i feel like a jerk. here he is loving me and i'm doubting all my feelings for him. crying so much now. i should tell him all of these but he would be so crushed and so sad and i really don't want to do that to him. he was so sad today when i didn't hang out with him, if he knew all these. he probably has guessed since i'm so reluctant to hang out with him.

so what next then? i'm going to go to sleep now. and then tomorrow i'm going to pick maeve up from driving school and make a video with maura. and then wednesday i'm going to go to the barn early and then go to northampton with josh. and then i don't know what i'm doing thursday. and then friday i'm going to babysit and go to jayna's party with josh. and then i'll reassess my feelings on saturday. and i won't make any rash decisions, not that i would. i can't even imagine right now ending our relationship, i'm not there yet. i'm just...i don't know what i am. is this normal?

but josh i love you and i don't want to hurt you, i just want what's best for you, and i know you think that i'm best for you, but what if i'm really not?

Katelyn left me an ask box asking if I heard Elbow in the closing ceremony and about how she watched the video I gave to her in her 9th grade time capsul...which she said she couldn't open earlier. I am seriously debating not responding after that lovely post she had directed at me. Let me quote "spoiled bitches, wealthy bitches." so i'm not really feel like connecting with her. i might just so i don't create an enemy...if she isn't already. but just fyi when that song came on, i didn't think of Katelyn at all...so yeah.

and it's too early to be up, but Finn woke me up. and barked at me until I let her out, and now she is sleeping...ahhh.

How's your new laptop, Abby?!

Things I need to talk about in this post:
- Miley Cyrus
- One Direction
- Video Stuff?
- let's just start, i have a love/hate relationship with lists.

Miley Cyrus cut off her hair and dyed it blonde and for some reason that is a big deal to the world. I miss her old hair because it was long and gorgeous, but i applaud her for doing what she wants and doing something different - not that it matters what i think, she can do whatever the hell she feels like and my opinion doesn't matter.

One Direction performed at the Olympics! Not that long ago they were just boys with a dream to make a living singing...and then they went on the X Factor and got put together and together they become the biggest boy band of today. and they were on the olympics. i mean come on, they are pretty awesome then. and let's add them to the list of people i want to meet. but i want to meet them soon. i don't want to meet them when they are all old, because i'll be all old too, and the excitement of meeting them would have wore of a bit by then.

I want to read my blog through, like in a book form, from the start until now. But that would require printing it and it's not done yet! i'm looking up now how much it would cost...

I don't think my brain has grasped that I won't be living here in less than 2 weeks.

I don't need to talk about video stuff now, we are still trudging through the depths of youtube hoping that one day we will be youtube famous. but when you think of everyone who makes youtube videos, the chances of that are very slim.

and it's taking a really long time for it to create my book...i kind of want to go to sleep now. i'm tired. i was up at 8:30 today to go out to breakfast even though i didn't go to bed until 12:30ish.

hahahaha. guess what? my blog exceeds their maximum size for a single volume. i would have to get multiple volumes. there are 43 pages just for the table of contents...in my real book i guess i wouldn't have one of those, maybe just what page each month or year starts on.

now i'm going to go to sleep because i'm getting sick of seeing all the posts on facebook and tumblr and twitter about Miley's hair, don't you have things better to talk about? like all the amazing olympians? oh right, i talked about Miley's hair too...

it's midnight again.
this time i was up editing and uploading youtube videos.
i had a lot to do because we just changed channels.
my mom wanted us to make a new channel because we hadn't made any new videos since we lost our adsense account.
so now she made one so we can use her name on the adsense account since mine has a black mark on it now.
now we can start making money again.
we love making videos but it takes a lot of time and the money is just incentive to keep making videos. sort of like a reward. it motivates us. and videos give us something to do together.
but i had a lot of stuff to do tonight involving youtube.
now just hopefully the 28 subscribers we had on our old channel will subscribe to our new channel. we bribed them with $20 to Dunkin Donuts.
i should go to sleep now. this isn't a good habit to be getting into.

the olympics are amazing. just so amazing. the amazing people. the amazing things they do. yes yes.

but let's take a moment to think about the volunteers. they are doing this for free. they are giving up hours of their time away from their work and family to help out at the olympics. and they don't have a chance to win a gold medal.

i want to be the person who holds the sign and leads like the gymnastic teams around, or the different heats in track and field. or the people who go onto the track with the athletes and stand behind their bins so the athletes can put all their warm up stuff in there and then take away the bins.

i just saw a gif of Usain Bolt, who is the fastest man in the world and just full of personality and confidence on the camera, like he's amazing. so in the gif he gives a fist bump to the guy who is in charge of his bin. and the guy's reaction is just priceless. he is smiling, no grinning, and laughing and shaking his head like he can't believe Bolt just did that and how it is just amazing really. i'm going to go watch the little gif again because i like it so much. Bolt just made that guys whole olympic experience - he could have just made his life. i mean wouldn't you want to fist bump the fastest guy in the world? that would be amazing. i will admit that i am slightly jealous of that volunteer - not really, i do think it would be awesome to get a fist bump from Bolt, but i wouldn't want to take that away from that volunteer because he is awesome too and i am so happy for him.

but now i'm watching a live Dave Days chat thingy, and he is so cute and awkward. and he's singing for us and playing his guitar, and it's so good! the people in the chat are pretty annoying. but he's so good, i'll just try to annoy the scrolling sidebar. i would love to have a live chat someday where people actually came and watched and there was an annoying sidebar that i would have to try to read. taylor swift is having a live chat on monday. cause she is awesome and she will probably crash the site because so many people will be watching her.

do you realize how much power people like her have? if she said "jump" a lot of people would jump and the other half would say "how high." i've never liked that saying, because if someone told me to jump, i would just jump, i wouldn't think to ask.

now Dave is singing Girlfriend by Avril Lavine, just the boyfriend version, get it? yeahh

i should be sleeping now. it's 11:30. too bad i'm not in California, then it would only be 8:30...i'm practicing for when i'm in college i guess. 

sitting here i just really can't wait until i'm at the point where people are aware of me and know me, even when they don't know me. like famous. so people care what i write and what i say. i want what i do to really matter. not just to the small group of people i know. eventually, right? hopefully.

but oh, i should respond to you abby! i did talk to Josh a bit and it was good. good good stuff. when i'm with him talking to him, i have no doubts or worries. it's just afterwards when he's not around. which isn't good at all. but they come and go. and i hadn't heard that so i had no idea you were crying so yeah, you're good, don't worry! but i think i'm due to fall in love with Josh again. it's just hard to when it's like pulling teeth to plan something with him. "what do you want to do" i either get, i don't know, or something with you, or i don't care. and it drives me crazy that i always have to plan stuff. but it's really my fault. i would like to be swept off my feet though. i'm sick of spending the day in his basement. i guess. i don't know. it's not bad. like i'm content and comfortable with Josh and happy. but i'm going to shut up now, because it's two weeks its all going to change and i'm going to wish i had those nights in the basement watching movies. it's possible that i could not see josh for months once i go to college. seriously possibility there.

now it's 11:45, but i have no intention of going to sleep because i am seriously enjoying this chat with Dave Days too much. i say chat with Dave Days. but i'm not chatting. it's like he is just talking to a computer and i happen to be listening. so it's not really a conversation. but his birthday is in two days. so happy birthday, Dave.

i was going to go to bed early because i woke up early today, 6:45, and i've been going all day, but i'm still awake! i can sleep in tomorrow but i probably won't end up sleeping in. i mean how can i hang up on the guy singing the theme song from Titanic? well not that i would really be hanging up on him...he would keep singing to just one less person and he wouldn't even notice.

can you believe it? i'm going to college in two weeks. for those of you who are not abby or myself, who have been reading this book style, can you believe it? do i talk, i mean write, like i'm going to college? do you see a change from the beginning of the...book...or from when i started this blog back when i was in...9th grade. whoa. 9th grade to college. that's my whole high school life, actually i think i missed a bit of the beginning of ninth grade, because i started in January of 2009. anyways. yeah. i don't feel old enough for college, i'm still young.

and now Dave Days finished his live chat at 12:04am so i can go to sleep now. woop.

i like how you are posting everyday Abby! and yeah i'm trying to avoid parties and big goodbye scenes. but i think our family are coming over to hang out at the lake house on sunday, so that will be sort of the goodbye thing. i don't see them usually anyways so it's not that big of a deal...well in their mind it might because they always have had the option to see me when i was home, but once i am gone then that option isn't there anymore.

but i just watched a charlieissocool like video about him publicly announcing he has a girlfriend! and it made me happy because he just seemed so happy talking about her. like seriously happy. even after they have been together for a year he was all excited and cute talking about her. i don't know, it just made me happy listening. and it makes me want that back in my relationship - actually josh probably still talks about me like that, but i feel like i don't as much. did i ever? probably...

i don't know. right now i'm sooo tired. i stayed up late saying i could just sleep in but i couldn't because some energy audit guy came to change all our light bulbs and such. so i was up at 8, slept for a bit more and then was up and out of bed around 9. so i'm tired.

i am going to go see josh today. hopefully i'll be able to talk to him about everything. sometimes it's hard because a) i don't know how to bring it up, especially if i have a lot of random topics b) if i say anything critical or questioning our relationship he either gets really sad and crushed, or he brushes what i say away saying that it won't happen or everything is fine c) he won't understand exactly what i say because i don't know how to put it into words so when he responds i will just be like...sure, but uhhh not what i'm talking about.

but we will see how everything goes today. i haven't just really talked to him in a while.

jk, it's their 24th.

and i just wanted to write down a few things i could have on my inspiration board if i had one, i might make one in college:
- my scratch map!
- "believe it and you'll be walking on air" - kerli
- you are paying to be here and to learn, so make the most of every opportunity and work your hardest
- "you will get all you want in life if you help enough other people get what they want" - zig ziglar
- "you are destined for success" - fortune cookie
- "don't stress, that's dumb, i'm here, and it's nice to be alive" - ball park music
- "the truths of life are hidden in clichés" - shay carl

i am happy for you abby, i really am. and thank you so much for sharing. it's all sort of amazing, the whole relationship thing in general.

it's my parents 25th anniversary today. at least i think it's the 25th, someone said that a while ago. they got married on 8-8-88. i would love to get married on a cool date like that. it would be pretty awesome. i would have 2-2-22 or 2-22-22 when i'm 28, that's a fair age and a possibility. there would probably be a lot of weddings one that day. but it would be awesome. i love the number 2. it's my favorite.

today was a long day of babysitting, 8:30 to 5, and then over to the barn, and i've just been able to relax now at 7:30. tomorrow hopefully won't be as busy. i just am going to do something with josh once we figure out what. and maybe buy some more text books. i have my mail box now! it makes me excited to have my own little box...little things make me happy!

16 days!

Abby, I don't know if I should congratulate you, start asking you questions, inform everyone on my view about sex, text you right now, or just not comment. But this is my blog, so of course I have to comment!

Wooooo! I do feel like celebrating now. Yeahh yeahhh, you go girl! And now I believe that is enough of that.

Now I will go into the question phase, you don't have to answer any (seriously!), this is just me sort of processing it. And if you would feel better actually talking in person or texting instead of blogging, please do! I am just sticking with the blogging since that is how I heard! but how to do you feel now? are you happy? was it worth it? was it as amazing as everyone makes it seem?

and now i guess we get to my opinion part. i don't think teenager having sex before marriage is bad at all. i think you should just wait until you are in a committed relationship. like meeting a guy and then two hours later hooking up? yeah not all for that. but if you and your partner feel ready and you've talked about it, then why not? as long as you feel confident that you won't regret it later, then yeah it's fair play. now i wish i had the book i read early today. i sat down and read Will Grayson, Will Grayson in one sitting, minus one break for a shower and getting dressed. it's by John Green and David Levithan. it's the only John Green book I hadn't read. (is it annoying you how i am switching back and forth between i and I? it's staring to annoy me but i don't care that much so i will keep switching and doing whatever i want, it's easier to use lower case) anyways, there was an amazing quote in there about how relationships aren't all about screwing and how they are about who you would die for and such. i'm going to try to find it. found it because i'm awesome like that, so here you go!

I mean, Jesus, who even gives a fuck about sex?! People act like it's the most important thing humans do, but come on. How can our sentient fucking lives revolve around something slugs can do. I mean, who you want to screw and whether you screw them? Those are important questions, I guess. But they're not that important. You know what's important? Who would you die for? Who do you wake up at five forty-five in the morning for even though you don't even know why he needs you? Whose drunken nose would you pick?!

so that's sort of how i feel about it too. if you want to have sex, then have sex. if you want to wait, then wait. that's not the important part here.

i guess it's too late to follow the not comment option...but oh back to my lovely period. yeah i really should get birth control for several reasons, so my periods aren't as bad, so if i get raped i won't get pregnant (ha, sorry, i just read an article about rape in Seventeen and before that i had to do an alcohol education thing (that took over two hours!) where they discussed the bad decisions that people make under the influence), and if i do decide to have sex i will be all set. i guess it will be easier for me to get birth control once i get to college, because honestly i would be terrified to ask my mother. so i can wait a bit, which is fine. i've gotten use to the pain, and i'm not going to any drunk-filled parties, and i know i'm not ready yet.

woo, i think this was a successful blog post that covered a lot of important things, right? and now i wonder if dinner is ready because i am huuuungry.

a girl's period is a gut-wrenching, soul-sucking, hope-destroying necessary of life. so much freaking pain. i am not going to get any sleep tonight. and i didn't get any last night either and it hadn't even started yet. not to mention just how gross it is. oh look, i just mentioned how gross it is. i hate it. and it's like taboo. you aren't supposed to talk about it. at least in my family. the only time it may be mentioned is if we need more pads or tampons. i have no idea when Maeve started her period and if Maura has started hers yet or not. honestly it is one of the worst things i have to go through every month, if not the worst. the only relief is it tells me i'm not pregnant, even though there is no possible way i could be pregnant. abstinence is the number one birth control, kids! guys should give girls more credit for getting through their stinking period. let's see. i flew to spain on my period in April. in May i went on an 8 hour road trip to Toronto and had a cough that made me go to the emergency room. at least when the guy asked if there was any chance i was pregnant before the x-ray i could say nope. then June? oh right, i had it in California for Vidcon! and then that brings us to now, and the next time i am graced with my period's appearance i will be in college.

oh yeah, i just wrote a whole paragraph about my period. woot, woot. breaking down walls...i guess. i am going to try to get some sleep now i guess. or at least start trying to fall asleep so maybe by the time i do fall asleep it might be before midnight. but last night i had a dream with Taylor Mathews it in, i can't remember details now, but it was still a good dream. maybe i'll have another nice dream again to make up for the pain i'll be in.

by the way 18 days.

hi Abby!
yeah I will probably end up going...I should check if I am doing anything and then put it on the calender so I don't forget...but I don't know how to get to her house soooo maybe we could go together, unless we end up carpooling with the boys instead. i don't know, i haven't even talked to josh about it yet...i should probably text him back now so he doesn't think i died.

but yeah college is going to be hard. we bring it up and my mom starts tearing up...and i know my dad isn't going to be happy either. i almost started crying last night too. because we sort of know that once i leave i'm not longer their baby little girl. i'm not going to come back after college. i'll come for the vacations if i'm not off working or intering or studying someplace else for the summer/winter. but once i graduate, i'm not planning on living back at home. they aren't going to be there looking over me anymore. i won't have to ask for their permission. i can just do whatever. i will finally have to start making decisions.

but i also remembered that it won't be just living the life...we'll still have school. and i know i will have a crapload of work. hopefully i haven't forgotten how to write an essay! and i feel like i should be worrying about my FME business, i need an idea! if i get an idea now i can already start working on it! but that's other stuff...

and orientation will be awesome. i can't wait. really. i am not going to get any sleep the night before, and then i get to spend all night in Target.

another weird thing is i won't be sharing experiences with the same people i did with high school for 6 years...and the people who i see at the barn and around Westhampton, they will no longer be part of my daily life. i might see them on facebook but that doesn't really count. i am going to be surrounded by so many new people that i'm going to have to feel out. that is going to be so awesome.

ahhh college. good times. i hope.

and oh i'm likely to achieve positions of authority ;)
"Purple: Purples are highly individual, fastidious, witty and sensitive, with a strong desire to be unique and different. Temperamental, expansive and artistic, a Purple person may become aloof and sarcastic when misunderstood. If you chose Purple, you tend to be unconventional, tolerant and dignified, likely to achieve positions of authority."

and i'll probably post later again...it's only 8 somehow

so i found out today that the lead girl in taylor mathews's video is Rydel Lynch, who is Riker Lynch's sister. i am pretty sure i have mentioned riker in here with the whole glee stuff. he's awesome. and so the two of them plus their three other siblings created a band called R5, so now i'm watching all their music videos. i have seen some of them before i believe. but it's just so weird when two worlds collide. i wish i could be in the middle of all those worlds...if that makes sense. i also wish i was talented, like musically. or like an olympic athlete. either of those would be good. actually musically would be better. i don't think i could train as hard as an olympic athlete and give up so much.

now i'm going to go to sleep early today. toodleloos.

hi, i think i'm going to try to write in here a lot more. plus i'm waiting for josh to text me back before i go to sleep and i'm listening to meghan tonjes cover of skinny love, which i love.

the other day when josh and i went to the batman movie i was scared that i was going to get shot like at the shooting in Colorado. i'm too young to die. i have so much i need to do. i have such big ambitions. i have so many people to meet. i have so much more to experience. and i have more i need to do for this world. i need to make my mark. i have so much potential i haven't unlocked yet. i'm going to be great. and not to mention that i want to see this blog be published. i want to walk down the street and see someone sitting on a bench reading a book titled "some random words." i wonder what i would do in that case. would i say something to them? or just let them read it in peace? my first instinct is to say that i would keep walking so they could experience it themselves, but then what if they would love to meet me and if they found out i was right there and i kept walking instead of talking to them?

i talk like i know i'm going to be awesome. well i already am awesome. but i'm going to be even more awesome. i sound so cocky. i'm not actually, you guys probably already know that. if not then i'm not doing a good job writing this blog.

right now i'm really just tired and i should go to sleep. i'm kind of hungry too, but i'm not going to get any food now, that will have to wait until the morning.

i can't wait until i am actually doing something with my life. like when i'm in the best days of my life. but what if when i'm there, i keep thinking it's going to get better, and i keep waiting and wishing for something more? i guess like now. i am all exciting for the future and what is coming, but what if now is the best part of my life. i hope not. the future seems so much brighter. but does your future ever stop being bright? at what part of your life are you not excited for what is yet to come? is there a certain age you reach, a moment in your life? i hope not actually. i hope i am always excited for what is going to come, yet i don't forget to appreciate and enjoy what is happening now.

is it bad that i don't want to?

i should be sleeping now. half an hour ago i said "if i open up my laptop i won't go to sleep for another half an hour" and bingo, Molly knows herself so well.

but i just had a few thoughts for you. last night i had a dream that Travis Clark was my math teacher, and I didn't have any shoes on, and he was some how teaching us math with the beats and notes of Say You Like Me. i was the only one who knew who he was. i thought of Aria and Mr. Fitz from Pretty Little Liars. and i couldn't remember his last name. i could only think of Travis Wall from All the Right Moves, have i mentioned that show yet? there is so much on this blog that i don't talk about...

and once again i can't wait until i am in my element, doing something i love, surrounded by my amazing friends. you see We the Kings and how they are all happy. and now Taylor Mathews went and did his music video shoot today. and the Olympians and how amazing they are. i kind of wish when i was young i picked one thing and really really went for it so i could be in the Olympics. i could actually still go to the Olympics in equestrians, there is a 71 year old competing from Japan. but then i should probably be going to a different college than Babson. maybe i'll have a change of heart in four years from now and focus only on riding. but i'll need to get the money from somewhere = successful business. only problem is that business will take up all my time and i won't have enough time to be become an Olympic athlete.

all these problems you have when you become an amazing person who does thing with her life...in your head. seeing as i did absolutely nothing today. except watch the olympics and wish i was them. and then dive a few times in my grampa's pool and pretend i was in the olympics. and then watch some Meg Kelley videos and wish i was an amazing singer like her (by the way, i think she might actually be 18, i still can't believe that she could be 16), jk her youtube account says she is 16. how the heck is she so gorgeous and grown up at 16? all i was at 16 was awkward and barely decent enough to look at. wait...that's what i look like now too.

i need to sleep. maybe i'll dream about Travis Clark again.

Happy birthday, Esther.

this stupid quote of the day thing i installed on the side of my blog is always way too accurate, todays...

"A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other." – Charles Dickens (1812-1870)

i miss the feeling when you are first falling for someone. when you get all excited when you see them and you get the butterflies. and you want to wear your best outfits so you look your best. and you just want to talk to them. and you really really want them to like you back. and you second guess everything they do and everything you do too. you analyze their behavior. and you are just giddy and happy and excited all the time. i miss that.

but i have a lot to talk about now don't i? or i did, but i sort of forget a lot of it. like how i am disappointed that we lost our adsense account so now we don't make any money from our youtube videos. we only had it for a few weeks if that, we made a grand total of $11 i believe, yet they still took it away because of invalid ad clicks. we have no idea who clicked our ads too many times, we didn't tell anyone to. i think Maura might have, but she just wanted to give us more money, because it is exciting to see us getting money! so i feel bad for her, she must have a lot of guilt if she thinks she caused it. i don't know if she actually does or not. but it is disappointing, because it gave us an incentive to keep making videos and it was like we got some kind of response. we don't have a lot of people commenting or people wanting us to make videos like previous youtube stars had to encourage them to keep going. so the money was our encouragement. Maeve hasn't made a video since. I had been working on one, and I've done a little bit on it, but i haven't finished it yet...so it is sad.

what else. i feel like i had a more uplifting subject to talk about, but i can't remember now. shucks.

okay so while i was trying to think of things to say i went on tumblr and i saw that someone had asked Vondell Swain what he thought of the Mike Lombardo thing to which he simply said, he shouldn't have done that. so of course i have to go find out what they are talking about...and Mike Lombardo was caught receiving and asking for child pornography from girls as young as 14. and it wasn't just one girl, but multiple. he had videos on his phone. and i just found someone on tumblr who said she was a victim of his when she was 18, and she's 21 now...how long has he done this?
i've just read a bunch of people's reactions that i'm not even sure what i think.
goodness. i loved his songs. especially Hey Molly...now i'm afraid it's going to come on shuffle. i sort of want to go watch his videos now, but i don't dare. i don't want to see the comments. i've read so much about it already. i'm just sort of shocked. i'm sure i mentioned him in previous posts.

but isn't that what makes this blog amazing? it's like a little account of history from one girl's point of view. it has gaps and it's not entirely accurate. i just tell you what i know and think about and what i find important.

like how it's pretty awesome that Gabby Douglas won the women's overall gymnastics at the olympics, and how i am very sad that Aly Raisman tied for third but didn't end up getting it because of some weird dropping the lowest score.

so i think i am going to keep this blog going. as long as i can. and by the way i'm sick of people asking when i'm going to college. i'll go when i go.

OHHH I remember what i was supposed to talk about. Nicole! ahh but it's late now and i was going to go to sleep plus i don't want that in the same post as all of the yucky stuff...

i just had the thought, when i was looking for an old post mentioning Mike Lombardo, what if instead of Mike Lombardo it was Taylor Mathews. i would be so so so devastated. i look up to him so much. he's amazing. and if i found out he wasn't who i thought he was? horrible. that must be how some girls are feeling now about Mike Lombardo.

November 1st 2010 was when i first listened to his music and watched his videos. wow. just wow.

but let's end this on a happy note. i saw that my last post was about how i might watch the olympics this year...oh i've been watching them. <3 -thumbs="-thumbs" expert="expert" house.="house." i="i" in="in" live="live" m="m" olympic="olympic" p="p" stream.="stream." the="the" up-="up-">
and hi! i just want to say hi to my readers, i haven't forgotten about you. so now you should say hi to me! it's only polite...(: