just talking to him puts me in such a good mood.
like all day today sucked and i wasn't able to text him but then he comes online and i instantly am so much happier.
i miss hearing my phone vibrating and knowing it's from him and rushing to see what he said.
but instead i'm stuck talking to him online when we're both home.
four hours on facebook chat really doesn't beat texting him all day.

i'm going crazy not being able to text josh. like it's killing me. i keep wanting to check my phone. this will be the first time where i am home and he doesn't text me. blahh.

woke up on my birthday in a bad mood, went to sleep on my birthday in a bad mood.

it all works out nicely, doesn't it?

so for my birthday Josh gave me the picture of us at prom framed, two actually. and it made me cry a bit. because it reminded me about how i completely messed up prom by going with the wrong guy. and really i just want to forget that night all together. but now i have these lovely pictures to remind me. and yeah. i would have been happier with a necklace, like everyone else got me, or a ring. and now i'm just blah. but it is the only picture we have together, just the two of us. but yeah.

birthday, again.

so far on my birthday i have:
- woken up to my alarm at 8 o'clock.
- saw that no one texted me.
- have my dad ask me how i am, without wishing me happy birthday.
- have my mom wish me happy birthday.
- have my mom suggest that the workers sing me happy birthday in Ukraine
- burn my bagel for breakfast.
- eat this bagel anyways.
- Josh text me before he's about to go to work, informing me that he's about to go to work.
- look at everyone who said happy birthday on my facebook wall already, half of them wouldn't know it was my birthday if i didn't have it listed.
- be reminded that i have to share my birthday with Nate Boutlier.
- have my aunt text me happy birthday.
- and now i have to leave for camp.

we're off to a great start.

so i like fireworks. i do not like the fact that someone we ended up sitting next to obnoxious kids from our school but we didn't actually socialize with them so it was fine. and i like having Josh drive me around. and i like when we sing in the car along to the CD i made him and how he knows the words better than i do to some songs. i do not like that i have to wake up at 8 tomorrow. and it's almost midnight now. i like that tomorrow's my birthday and i get to see Josh and Abby and everyone one again.

really that's the only thing my birthday is good for, giving me the excuse to have a bunch of people over the pool, and the chance the eat ice cream. pretttty much it. but it should be good. minus the whole waking up and dealing with horse camp. but horse camp shouldn't be that bad either.

but i'll be going to sleep soon, cause Josh should be arriving at his house in around 5 minutes. but only 35 minutes until my birthday. too bad i can't really stay up for it. well i could, we'll see what time Josh texts me and how tired I am. wait, did i just ask that? yeah i'm tired enough to have been asleep hours ago. and probably should have so i'm not exhausted for horse camp. whatever, it's summer. you know what i'm going to do? i'm going to go look at posts from last horse camp.

okay I didn't find anything about horse camp but look what I did find:

TUESDAY, JUNE 15, 2010

11th grade. read this. k?
this isn't really about 11th grade because i don't feel like a junior yet. juniors are old. i'm not old.

this is about a resolution i am making for 11th grade. this is if there is someone in the class that a) i think would make a good friend b) is very cute c) would like to know better d) for some reason i just want to talk to...i will talk to them. i will talk to them more than once. i will make an effort to get to know them. not just an effort. a big effort. unless i find out there are a completely jerk/creeper/dud/woahno. because i could give you a list of people this year who i would have liked to have gotten to know but i didn't because i never took the first step and said hi to them. so nothing happened. next year, i'll talk to everyone though and i won't miss out on anyone.

there you go. now i am going to get something to eat and go babysit because this resolution does not effect me until September 3rd 2010. boom.

I forgot about that but hi Josh Rivard, that would be you. so i guess i could say i fulfilled my resolution, if that's what you do with resolutions, or is it keep? don't you keep your resolutions.

i don't know. anyways i'm going to take out my contacts cause Josh will be home soon and then I'll be going to sleep! less than 30 minutes until i'm 17.

such a crazy weekend.

let's see. when did i last post? oh right, thursday night when i stayed up until past midnight talking to josh for 5 hours.

well friday i went and worked in the office in the morning. then i went to the barn to get ready for the horse show. didn't finish getting ready. then went to an interview for states which took forever. but i got in. and then i went back to the barn at 9:30 at night and finished braiding.

saturday i woke up at 5:30 in the morning. went to a horse show. had my horse buck and act weird at the canter. whatever. then i went home, took a shower, and got ready to go to taylor swift. then we went and saw Taylor Swift.

let me just say I'm so glad Josh came. i wouldn't have wanted anyone else there with me. it started pouring rain, like extreme pouring, but we just stuck it out. at the end we were just hugging each other trying to give each other body heat it was so cold and wet. but i loved it. i loved it so much. because that's the kind of thing you're going to remember. "remember when we went to the Taylor Swift concert and it poured?" on the way home he got "yelled" at because he was trying to tell scary stories but Maeve was having none of it. but then my mom shut him up by saying that she had the power to ground me. that would be the only thing that was sort of bad. but seriously, it could have went so much worse. especially since Maeve, my mom, and I were exhausted from waking up at 5:30. Maeve got mad at us once because she was filming herself and we were jumping around behind her and when she asked what we did, i was just laughing. we were under instructions not to be lovey-dovey but that didn't happen. the only time Maeve got mad at me for that was when Josh was showing me that his goldfish didn't have a smile and I ate it. but I'm smiling remembering that. Maeve will understand eventually when it's like to have someone who just makes you so happy.

and when he got tired of playing with the glowsticks we both fell asleep but we were holding hands the whole time. it was so great waking up and having his hand holding mine. and then tonight i get to go see the fireworks with him. and then tomorrow he gets to come over to the pool so i get to spend that night with him too.

i'm so exhausted though. even though i slept until 2:30 this afternoon. and i'll be even more tired after staying out for the fireworks. and tomorrow i have to wake up early for horse camp. but that's what the summer is about.

i love it. (:

josh just corrected me and said it's actually closer to five hours.

alright then, great.

up to four hours now.

i have talked to Josh on facebook chat for more than 3 hours straight. well minus 20 minus when i took a shower.

and i still don't want to stop talking to him.

why do i put myself in situations where i am freaking out waiting for someone to respond? ahhh. i could have just not sent that and been happy coming up with something else. now i'm dying. ahh. i can't even check to see if he's typing. what if. ah. no. shouldn't have. fuck. stupid molly. way to bring something lighthearted into something completely different. wayyy to gooo. scroll on tumblr. scroll scroll scroll. try not to think. oops. ahh.


ahhhahhhahahahhhhahahahahahhhhhahhahh.

i'm just so lucky. goodness. i don't know what i did to end up with josh. i'm just so lucky. and thankful.

but i have my new summer schedule.
9:00am-12:00pm - wake up but then go back to sleep
12:00pm - go downstairs
whenever I'm ready - go to the barn
whenever I'm done at the barn - eat food and shower
whenever i'm down with that - go to Josh's house
10:30pm - leave Josh's house
11:00pm - arrive at home
12:00am-12:30am - go to sleep

and that's the basic schedule.

if it was up to me, my schedule would just consist of me living at Josh's house, but ya know.

it's been one month since we almost all died!

also known as the rapture. or the day that Josh and I got together. I'm surprised he remembered.

M: "Isn't today the 1st day of summer anyways?"
J: "it is indeed the first day of summer! And it is also another day today as well. =)"
M: "another day? Ohhh, one month right?"
J: "It is indeed one month, another day, and the beginning of summer rolled into one =)"
M: "Jeez, we get together on the day of the rapture, then our one month is on the 1st day of summer. XD"
J: "Haha, wonder what next month will be? Maybe aliens will invade the earth? XD"
M: Whoo knows, a long as it doesn't kill us then it's good. XD"
J: "that's true, as long as the world doesn't end then we're all set!"

but yep. one month. it really doesn't seem that long, yet it seems longer at the same time. like it's like "wow, it's already been a month." but then it seems like Josh and I have been "together" for longer. it seems like he's always been there.

it's weird though. you see Abby who's obviously in love and has been for a while, she's been with Colin for close to three years. and to me three years seems like such a long time. i'm not in love right now. there's a good chance i will be eventually, but i haven't fallen completely yet. i don't think you can. you have to seriously know someone to fall in love with them. there's none of that love at first sight nonsense. and love is such a scary and big word. i want to be careful with it. i want to save it until there is no doubt in my mind. i don't want to regret saying it later and be like, i actually wasn't in love. i only want to say it if it's true.

right now i'm so happy and content with my life. sure, that could change any second, but i'm going to enjoy it while i got it.

i am not sure what else to talk about. how i'm going to be 17 on monday. which is ridiculous. i just turned 16. i'm too little to be 17. i mean birthdays are nice, but not that nice. really it's silly that people give me all this attention all because i was born on a certain day. but hopefully this birthday goes nicely. it's the first day of horse camp then i'm having people over to the pool. i'm a bit worried about how my grampa will act, cause you know how he can be. especially since my gramma won't be there. and i was just going to invite Abby and the Rivards but then Dana was asking what I was doing, so I invited her over too. which means i'll probably invite Bella too. but then that leaves me with the question of if I should invite Katelyn. honestly, i don't think i would want her there. but then if she sees pictures and know that i didn't invite her, she'll be pissed. so pissed. oh well. that's what she always says.

i still feel like writing more but i don't have anything to really write about. so i guess that's it.

every single time when i say i have to go he tells me to stay.

what will happen if one day i do?

i love children. fun day was fun. i love listening to the kids talk to each other and their reasoning behind things. they are so precious and innocent and wonderful.

i was going to talk about AP some but now I don't want to. so here you go.

done with junior year of high school forever.

i can't believe it.
it feels like it is the beginning of junior year and i still have a ton of AP work, a ton of hard classes to get through, SATs, and just a ton of other crap to do.
but it's all done. and i have nothing.
thank goodness.

i never would have guessed this is where i would be at the end of junior year. the biggest thing is having a boyfriend. nope. wouldn't have guessed that. but even more than that. i think i'm a better person now. after going through AP and everything in junior year I feel like i'm only stronger.

who would i have thought this is where i would be? and i am so happy with where i am. i can't believe it. i wouldn't change a thing in my life right now. so happy.

great father's day.

Molly: "I need one more personal trait or quality for my state horse show application, I already have hardworking and my experience and knowledge in 4H"
Maeve: "Oh, I put sportsmanship"
Molly: "I like that, but I don't want to copy you"
Maura: "Creative"
Molly: "Yeah, but that doesn't have anything to do with it"
Daddy: "Levelheaded"
Maura: "Your academic stuff"
Molly: "Doesn't have to do with it"
Daddy: "Bad driver"

Thanks so much Dad. Love you too.

so a little while ago my eye got all itchy and red. i think i must have gotten cat hair or dandruff or something in it because apparently i was sitting in the "cat chair." after a few minutes of it not getting better and getting worse i had to run upstairs and take my contacts out and put my glasses on. my eye still hurts now. i don't know if it's still red. let me get photobooth up and check. oh yep, it's still red. not as bad as before. before it was all completely red. now it's just a little red. and it hurts. it still hurts a lot. ow.

i just freaking want to be with him right now.

does this wear off? the constant thinking? and longing? will eventually i stop wanting to be with him all the time?

so today sort of sucked.

only sort of though. ready?

- woke up at 7:30.
- got to horse judging practice at 9. didn't actually start judging until close to 10.
- watched conformation classes with the same horses.
- one of the most boring three hour periods of my life.
- left at 11ish and went to the car wash.
- was completely not dressed for a car wash outside in 80 plus degree weather.
- washed cars.
- our group for the trip to spain fundraised almost 500 dollars, 100 of which came from my family. cause my mom and dad are like that.
- went home for 20 minutes.
- went to Bella's to work on the costume at 4.
- was there until past 7.
- go home and now everyone is snappy and hungry and tired.
- put leftover spaghetti and meatballs on my plate. then realize there's no sauce. eat the spaghetti without sauce, which is so gross.
- drive to the barn at 7:45.
- while backing out of my driveway, hit the dumpster that is taking up my parking spot, and my dad's car. now i have a nice scratch on my car.
- cry a bit in the car on the way to the barn because of exhausted and frustration.
- send Josh a novel for a text.
- ride Dolly.
- Dolly and Josh make me feel better.
- put Dolly away.
- go home at 9:30.
- eat cake.
- watch youtube.
- go hide in room with laptop and cellphone.
- text josh.
- check tumblr and freak out when you check Josh's tumblr because he posts things like: "I just want to see that wonderful smile, hear that beautiful laugh, and hold you tight in my arms."

so the whole day wasn't bad, just parts of it. and i'm so tired and i don't know why i'm still up. oh wait, i do. because i'm texting josh. now i'm going to reread that tumblr post and some of the cute texts he has texted me today and wait for him to text me back, or for my phone to give me the text because it's being evil tonight. but that's all. tomorrow i'm sleeping until forever.

ahhh i wish i could spend every freaking day over there "watching movies." Abby, I only watched the first two as well. No idea what happened in any of the other ones. Actually I did watch a bit of the beginning of Holes but then yeah no.

but i am just so happy and in a good mood. and goodness. i can't tell myself anymore that i might not like him as much as he likes me. cause when we weren't making out, i wasn't watching the movie then either, i was watching his face, or burying in my face in his shirt. and i loved just talking to him and annoying Abby and just being silly and whyyy did i have to leave?

and abby i really don't care what you say or do cause nothing can really bring me down or annoy me. well right now. ask me tomorrow at 7 when i have to wake up.

i'm so so lucky.

i don't know how i got so lucky. like it baffles my mind how lucky i am. and i am so grateful and appreciative and oh my goodness i don't understand how come i'm so lucky. i wish i could give my luck away to people. just give the good parts of my life away to people who really need it, just to make their life a little bit better. but i can't really, i can't change my luck, so i'm stuck with all of it. not complaining. not complaining at all.

just looking at my life everything is so right. and even if everything came crashing down right now, i would still be so lucky. i'm smart and it comes naturally to me. i have never gotten below an 80 on a report card (that could be changing soon, who knows). and i think that's a combination of luck and hard work. yes, i do work hard for those grades. i put a lot of effort into school, but i know that it comes more naturally to me than it does to others, which is why i'm lucky. i'm lucky i got that scholarship. i got it because of my leadership stuff in 4H, and i do work there, i worked to become president after years of not being elected as president. i kept getting back up. but i'm still lucky i won that. i'm even more lucky that my parents have enough money to send me to college wherever i want, and they'll let me go wherever i want, even if i have a scholarship somewhere else. my parents. oh my goodness, i am so lucky i have my parents and they are who they are. they are the most understanding, hardworking, amazing parents. my mom left my boyfriend and me home alone today. she completely trusts me. of course, we didn't tell my dad. i don't think my dad even knows that Josh was over and i'm not going to be the first one to tell him. but my parents let me do whatever i want really. they trust me. they know that i'll tell them what i'm doing and i'll do what i say and i won't be stupid. i'm lucky i'm not stupid, meaning i'm lucky i was born with common sense. i'm lucky i was born in the United States. i'm lucky i have all these privileges and rights and a roof over my head and food to heat. i'm lucky to have the amazing boyfriend i have. i'm just so lucky.

so so so so so lucky. i just...i'm just so lucky.

not going to study for english. so i'll just fail. i just can't. i'm too tired and i wouldn't be able to remember anything anyways. this sucks. i'll just won't get into college because of 11th grade english.

one more freaking day.

i only have one more day as a junior. thank the lord.

but really junior year went by fast. really fast. want to hear what i said the first day of school?

"yep and it's over. it was a typical first day, nothing special.
my predictions:
English, Spanish, and (MAYBE) History will be the best subjects.
Chemistry and Math will be the worst subjects. (but Kellie is in my math class! so excited! she is my friend from the barn who is a SENIOR, what?)
Ceramics depends on if i find someone to be friends with. right now i'm sitting at a table with two seniors who just ignored me and i just ignored them. i could sit with two other juniors who i don't really know and a sophomore. but i don't know. i just want a friend in that class. like Ally last year. ):"

umm, fairly accurate excepted english sucked and spanish wasn't all that great. i didn't really like any of my classes, other than history, and the only reason why i didn't die this year in my classes is because of Katelyn. i'm going to have to stretch myself next year when Katelyn isn't in all my classes.

and the rest of my first and second day posts has stuff to do with Adam. amazing how things change in one year. but have they really? am i a different person now than i was when i started school? i want to say yes but i have no evidence to back that with.

but hey i survived junior year. apparently i freaked out the second day of school. but it wasn't really all that bad.

i think i must have changed because i can't standing reading any more posts i made back in the beginning of September. just because i know how my brain worked and how i was just holding on to every little thing, hoping, wishing, imagining, but never doing anything. i think that might be where i changed. i actually do things now. not drastically. but i must have done something to end up with a boyfriend.

i wish someone could just lay it out all for me and be like "Molly, throughout your junior year of high school you have changed in the following ways:" and then list them all out for me. i like being able to see progress. that's assuming i actually grew and made progress. who knows.

i'm not even stressing right now. what could i be stressing about? history project, research paper, finals. ehh whatever. my life is going to be amazing in exactly one week. one weeeeek.

i'm so excited. tomorrow i have a busy day. after my last full day of classes i have a hair cut, then ground work lesson with Laura, a research paper to finish, and an english final to study for. then Wednesday after my english final and after he takes his 2nd period final, Josh is coming to the barn to see me ride (he wants to! i offered to ride earlier but he wanted to see me ride) and then he's coming over my house and we'll have to figure out lunch, and then i'm going to make him study for my finals the next day with me, and i have to finish the 6th grade slideshow. and then thursday i have math and spanish finals, then a riding lesson, then Maura's graduation. and friday i have chemistry final then the plan is to go to 6 flags, but we'll see if that happens. then saturday i have horse judging practice, then car was for the spain trip, and then i feel like there is something else. then sunday is father's day. then monday i have history final and fun day. and tuesday i have nothing and wednesday i have nothing and thursday i have nothing and friday i have nothing and saturday i have nothing and sunday i have nothing and monday's my birthday and i have horse camp. do you know how nice that is? to have nothing. i can do whatever i want. i'm so excited. we so excited, Rebecca Black and I, we so excited.

alright this is a long and pointless post. peace out homedoggie dogs.

"i think when you're young, you're hoping that this person will be the right one, the one you're going to be in love with forever. but sometimes you want that so much you create something that isn't really there" - Johnny Depp.

that would be a quote that came up on my tumblr dashboard. and it scares me because it could be right and it's probably right. i don't even want to think about it being right though. so i'm going to ignore it.

i have nothing else to talk about. that just killed me.

i always hate saying goodnight. i feel like i should be saying something else to him. but i don't know what so instead i sort of stare at the phone and have this feeling in my belly. ah. i just don't want to stop talking to him. and i feel like i should be telling him all the time how much i like him and how much i like talking to him and how grateful i am that he talks to me at all, but you can't just text that all before you go to sleep. sometimes i try to slip something like that in. like last night when i said "in case you forgot, i like you sorta a lot" just because whenever i say goodnight i feel like i should be saying something more but i don't know what. so now i'm going to go figure out something to say tonight then go to sleep.

goodnight.

i slept through my lesson today. i slept for almost 12 hours last night. and i'm still tired. and i don't feel good. i just want to go back to sleep. and you know that you're sick when your mom tells you that you don't have to ride.

what i really should be doing now is working on my research paper but i don't want to. i really should seeing as i don't even have one page done, it has to be 7 pages, and it's due on wednesday.

i'm looking at colleges instead and beginning to plan out which ones i want to see when we go to New York to get our visas to go to China. and do you know that Clarkson is five hours away? it is all the way in Northern New York, it isn't even close to New York City. i'm still playing around with the idea of Clarkson in my head. if i don't go there and make my parents pay all that money for another school when it would have been so much cheaper at Clarkson because of my scholarship i will feel so bad. so i'm just praying that I like Clarkson. it isn't a top school like the other ones i've been looking at but at least it has a good business program.

but i won't be going to college if i don't get this research paper done.

stupid sickness.

i guess it wasn't a completely typical fainting episode, it was a bit worse. one reason i already said, because usually i can go back to normal at school and don't have a killer headache. unfortunately today i had to go home and had a lovely headache. and now talking about headaches is giving me one. did you notice i used the adjectives "killer" and "lovely" to describe the same headache? hmm. interesting. but another reason why it was typical is because i fell asleep from 4:15 to 5:15, while i was texting josh. i just fell asleep. i've never done that before. i barely ever take naps because i can never fall asleep. and even when i'm texting josh at night before i fall asleep i have never fallen asleep on him. and today i did. and i slept for a whole hour. and then after i woke up and texting him and Abby i went back to sleep at 5:30, expecting not to sleep for that long, and then if i was feeling better i could head over to the show at 7. nope. i slept until 7:20. i guess i could have gone to the show late but sleeping for 3 hours sort of showed that i wasn't feeling well. and i didn't want to pass out during the show because the i would really freak josh out.

i really wish i was there though. i think this is the first show of Abby's at the high school that i've missed. actually i might have missed one when I was in Tobago. and i know once when she had a show at a different high school i wasn't feeling up to it. but i go to all of Abby's things, even if they aren't at the school. i've gone to both Northampton and South Hadley to watch her. and i really wanted to be at this show. cause in addition to seeing Abby perform I would have gotten to see Josh and i'm not going to get to see him at all this weekend because tomorrow i have my riding lesson then i'm babysitting and sunday i have to do homework since i didn't do any today and work on the slideshow. i might be able to sneak in seeing him on sunday but i also don't want my parents and sisters to start complaining about how i see josh all the time. i just have to wait for the summer then i can see him more. and katelyn had cookies for me too.

i hate being sick. i think i'm going to go put on a movie and probably fall asleep.

it had to happen at least once this school year.

yep. passed out. well close. i'm so used to it now that it's no big deal. i was in english class and at the beginning of class i was fine and we were talking about the book The Things They Carried and Vietnam war and throughout the class it kept getting hotter and hotter. well the classroom might have been the same temperature but i was getting hotter and hotter. and i almost made through class. almost. but then i reached that point where i knew it wasn't going to get better. so i just got up and started walking out and ms. messmer just waved me out, i was probably completely pale at that point. and i walked down to the nurses office as my vision was getting blurry and i felt like i was going to throw up. i was afraid i wasn't going to make it to the nurses. but i got there and i sat down waiting and it wasn't feeling any better so i went in the bathroom and threw up. and then i felt a bit better. and then the nurse made me lie down and gave me an ice pack. and called my mom. and i didn't want to go home so the nurse gave me a half an hour and if i still wasn't feeling a hundred percent then she was going to make me go home. after a half an hour usually i'm fine when something like this happens but not today, i had a horrible headache. and then after 45 minutes i knew that i should just go home because after a while i might feel better but there was still a chance that i would pass out again. i didn't feel like pushing it. i was lucky that i got down to the nurses in time, next time i might have not been so lucky.

so the nurse called my mom and i asked if i could send a note to my sister so she knew to take the bus home. i did that and i also wrote one for Abby and Josh since they would be wondering where the heck i was. then josh texted me when he was at lunch, apparently i scared him with the note, which was not my intent! i just didn't want him to be wondering where i was.

but now i'm eating ice cream, drinking water, and just chilling. i'm really tired and i still have a headache and i'm weak. and yeah. if i was at school i would have five minutes left in chemistry then going to history. op. guess we're not doing the history presentation today.

so yep. only two days of classes left for me now.

i feel like i owe you a blog post, my future readers.

just because if this does make it huge you'll be wondering where i am and what i'm doing.

i'm here and i'm not doing much. i'm just plugging away. things are different a bit but not a ton. like now i talk to Josh all the time about most everything. like he knew I was going to China days before i told Abby, i didn't even feel the need to tell her. and Josh was the first one, actually the only one, who i told that i bought a horse. now you might be thinking i'm ditching my friends but i'm not at all. i never realized how much i just threw my life into their faces. now i'm only doing that to josh. i've barely talked to Abby, but she hasn't texted me either. it's not like we're suddenly not talking, i'm just not texting her first everyday like i used to. it's not bad, it's just different.

i'm still getting used to it. i'm still afraid i'll do something stupid and mess everything up. and i still don't get how come he likes me so much. everyday when i ask him how his day was he'll mention something about how it was good because he saw/talked/got to be with me. still don't get it.

school's going fine though. only three more days of classes. it doesn't seem like it can just end. this has been my life since september and then suddenly i don't have to go anymore. but i'm ready. i'm so ready to be done with school and get into carefree summer.

but my life is so fabulous right now. i really need to thank my parents. they are so fabulous and awesome and i love them so much. they do so much for me. my mom brought us to see the glee concert two nights in a row with friends. they bought all those tickets, 13 total, and gave away 6 of them to our friends. i can't think of any other parents who would do that for their children. also they let me sleep in the days after the concert. and apart from that they run their own company and go through all that stress just so that we can have a better life. they do so much. i can't think of any other parents that do more for their children. i will forever be grateful for my parents. i hope one day i'll be able to give back something, i know i'll never be able to repay them for everything but i would love to give them something and then be the kind of parents they were to me to my children.

and school's fabulous too. i won the highest award our school gives. i got a scholarship for $44,000; $11,000 for each year. that's a lot of money. i always told my parents that i would go to school on a scholarship because i didn't want to make them pay. and i already got one. my hope is just that i fall in love with Clarkson so i want to go to school there. but if i don't like it, i know my parents will pay for me to go someplace i want to go, because we already covered how fabulous they are. but just getting that award is fabulous. so fabulous.

and Dolly is great. other than the fact that she has lime disease. but that's treatable so it's not a big deal. and i'm making Josh come over to the barn a week from tomorrow and if i ride when he's there then he will become my first friend not from the barn to see me ride, even though i've been riding for almost seven years.

it's hard to think that in a week and a weekend i'll be a senior. i just have to get through a history project, a research paper, and five finals, then i'll be done. i'm way too young to be a senior.

it's it always calm before a storm? or is it calm after a storm? i'm a bit afraid that since my life is so great right now that something will happen. but i'm not going to think about that, i'm going to enjoy it. i'm going to enjoy my summer with my license. my i got my license Dana told me that having my license would change my life and it has, it has made my life so much better. it's so lovely being able to drive wherever, whenever.

um what else? i wish you could tell me what you're thinking so i could then write about that.

oh, Riker Lynch is my new favorite actor from Glee. he's just precious.

i think i'm going to end this post and then stay up late talking to Josh, cause that's what i do.

hi.

the last time i posted here was on sunday. that seems like ages ago.

since then i've gotten a scholarship, seen Glee live twice, bought a horse, and gotten completely overwhelmed with life.

yay for molly.

i thought i really wanted to write a blog post but now i'm not even sure that i do. sucks for you.

i could just talk with him all day. listen to him talk. talk to him. play with his hands. just stay in his arms.

i didn't even realize how hungry i was until i left his house and was driving home. yep. didn't eat dinner until 9:30.

alright going to sleep now.

i destroyed the SATs.

like they were easy peasy. i'm the type of person made to take SATs. or the SATS were made for people like me. i take tests well. i know pretty much all the information on it. i'm pretty sure i did well on them. not being cocky or anything, but i just think i did. i was pretty confident in most of my answers.

and Dolly was so good at the show. it just makes me want summer so bad. you don't realize how much i just want these projects to be over with but i don't want to do them. they are just so stupid.

and i should go to sleep because i'm going over Josh's tomorrow but i have things to do in the morning before i do so. and i'm kind of nervous but at the same time not really. i don't know. sometimes i feel like there are so many expectations on this relationship. and he always freaks me out by posting stuff on his tumblr, especially since i know most of what he posts is directed at me.

i got my flip cam today. it's going to take a while to get used to using that. but i'm sure i'll do it. Maeve and I will figure it out and get our videos up. hopefully she'll be over her bad mood in the morning.

um. i think this is done. i really just need to go to sleep now. and i really need to do work tomorrow. and i'm just burnt out of school stuff. i really want to be done. can we just fast forward through the next 16 days? please please please.

two and a half years. countless miles. five vet checks. thousands of dollars. for what? one horse.
first was AJ. he actually made it to the barn then after taking off on me twice, one of which i fell off, then he was gone.
vet check on Vanessa, but the vet said she was older than what they said so we didn't buy her.
Pride. had him for a year and a half. things never got better. they got worse.
then we had Wylie at the barn for a week but he was lame.
and now we have Dolly. and i firmly believe she is the reason why none of the other horses worked out. we just get along so well together. like today i was leading her down the aisle and i hear someone behind me so i turned my head to look and she turns her head the same time. and just riding around i can leave her alone how i like to ride horses and she's so laid back and fabulous. i just really hopes she stays this way and that she is good at the show tomorrow. did i tell you that the vet said the only reason why this horse wouldn't win at a show is because of the rider. which is freaking good. that means the horse is perfect and i just have to be perfect and we'll be wracking up those championships.

i'm trying to find the motivation to do something because i am going to have absolutely no time to do anything. but i can't find it. oh well.

you know what i like? that people are talking about me. well i don't know for certain but i am pretty darn sure that people probably are or already have. but why does that make me happy? because i don't care. i guess that doesn't make sense. but i guess i like that my happiness is the subject of conversation. i like that i'm happy in my life and that other people are jealous of me so they have to talk about me. sure maybe they say bad stuff or maybe they don't really care but i'm sure a lot of people have said "Molly and Josh are dating?" and who knows what they think about that but i don't careee cause i'm happyyyy.

that doesn't make much sense. i know what i'm trying to say but i might have not done a good job getting that across. i was texting Josh and watching Shaytards at the same time i was writing that. How about i watch the rest of shaytards and then reread it and see how it sounds.

okay, what i think i like the most is that i can hold my head high and smile and be happy with my life and not give a crap that people are talking about me when i'm not around. cause i'm happy.

sure, the happiness might not stay. or be exactly the same forever. but it's here. and i like it. and i'm going to hold on to it as long as i can.

happy happy.

i wasn't going to write a blog post today because i didn't want to, but i also don't want to go to sleep, even though i'm tired.

my life has just been lovely lately. and now that i'm saying that it probably won't be. i have an absolutely fabulous boyfriend. i have an absolutely amazing horse. and i have given up caring about anything at school. research paper? ehh, who cares. history project? whatever. spanish test tomorrow? ehhh. chemistry problems? not feeling those. SATs? no big deal. i have 20 days then i'm done. i'm not going to worry about anything. i'll do what i want to do and not stress about it. maybe that's not the mind set i should have if i want to keep my grades up, but i don't care right now. so whatever.

and i'm so tired. but i don't care about that either. in 21 days i can sleep as late as i want. just get through these 21 days.

alright now i'm about to fall asleep at my computer so i guess it's time i head up to bed.

i don't get to take a shower because of the thunder storms and tornados and stuff and i ain't waking up early so everyone will just have to deal with me smelling like horses. sorrrry but i don't care at all.