because this isn't a blog. this is more my life in written form.

i don't know where to start. all i have done today is sit in front of this computer and go to the barn. i think i have been here for almost three hours straight. it's a bit ridiculous. i don't really have anything else i want to do. there is homework. my father offered to take me driving but i don't want to. driving scares me. like it seriously does. i am afraid i'll make a mistake and then we'll get in a car crash and then someone will get hurt. and it will be my fault. just thinking about this is making me cry. next topic.

iea is starting. that team is an interesting sort of team. we don't rely on each other to win. i could win without any of them. you can't really do that in team sports like soccer or basketball or football. but we ride together. we practice together. we see each other fall apart and get picked back up again. in horseback riding there is a big fear factor. a big mental factor. bigger than most other sports. in soccer if you are scared you might make a mistake or two but the soccer ball isn't going to act differently because you are scared. a horse might. a soccer ball is the same no matter who uses it or what soccer ball you use. yeah no. different horses create something completely different for different people. there will be some days where the lesson just goes really bad. there is a good chance i could cry in front of my team members. i don't have to "like" my teammates and be friends with them necessarily but there is respect. there is a big respect factor. there is a sort of little bond thing that connects us all. you can't see it all the time because we don't hang out together and at horse shows we aren't all best friends. but i think we are still a team.

it's going to be different this year with all the new members. Alyssa Clark. Chelsea Cotton. Dvora Pader. Katie Wickline. and then there are the williston members but I don't know if there are any new ones that are riding. but it is going to be different. and Taylor isn't riding. i am interested to see who will be in my lessons. i know Bella will because she is riding the same days i am. Wednesday and Saturday. that means i won't be going to the barn after school on Thursday and Fridays which is when Adam and I along with any kids who got off the bus, were the only ones there. i liked it. but that will be gone now. and i will never have that chance again. anyways i was supposed to discuss IEA but i got sidetracked. now i don't really feel like it. i'll just mention that Chelsea is joining our team and she had a lesson with me, Maeve, and Bella today. it went well and we talked a bit afterwards as a group of people just sitting there on our horses. so we'll see.

goodness. i really haven't done anything today. i need to get off this computer. i need to do something but i don't know what. i am so unmotivated. i need someone to hang out with. the only people that is actually possible to do with is Abby and Dana. Abby is going over Avarie's house. i don't feel like contacting Dana because i don't actually have a plan. i wish i could just call up someone and say "i'm bored" and then they would be like "i'll be there in ten minutes" but yeah no. that doesn't happen. i need to make more friends cause it is pretty pathetic when there are only two people i would want to hang out with.

and now Abby may not be coming to Danny Hentz's party with me. and i am kind of really upset about that. abby feels bad but her mother just doesn't feel good about her going. can't her mother just trust that i would take care of her for one night? and sure she has to work and she would probably be tired but it's alright to be tired for one night. you can sleep as late as you want the next day. it's part of being a teenager. i want to embrace my teenagerness but i sort of need someone there. i'm not confident by myself. at all. there is no way i could walk into a party by myself full with people i don't know and be like "hey!" yeah no, i would feel left out for the rest of the night. Abby knows what to say to people she doesn't know. she is good with people. i am just...not. and if i spend enough time with her in situations like that then it is bound to rub off eventually, right? but i think we would have so much fun just bouncing through the party full of people we don't know. ah. i really want her to come. like immensely. i never go to any parties. ever. the last party i was invited to was that surprise party for Abby and yeah i was left out. i don't want that to happen again. i don't want to sit in the corner silently. come on i just want this to work. my summer wasn't that great. i'm not someone who goes and hangs out with her friends everyday. nope i barely see my two friends. it sucks. this really sucks. ahahakdsjfaklsdfjalksdkfajsdkfja;sld;kfja.

here i am complaining about my life when the date is 9/11. i'll shut up now.