wow. so much as happened. i just haven't brought myself around to writing it.

let's see...horse show. i was left out again. i always am. my mom tells me to make conversation but it is easier said than done. it was a really long day, the show started late. i don't really feel like writing this...i have been trying to block it from my memory and not realize think about it. but i had this speedy little pony and she picked up the wrong lead, i didn't realize it and i thought i heard Carolyn say "Go Molly Go!" so i went then i  heard my mom say "switch" by the time i got to the other side of the ring. i was on the wrong lead...she must have been saying "No Molly No!" it was really awful after i had been working so hard on my leads. i just blew it. i am so mad at myself. of course i didn't place. my one chance and i ruined it. i feel like crying right now. what makes it even worse is afterwards i cried, silent tears. i was mad at myself for that too. I look up to Dana. I am not sure if any of you know her, she goes to Northampton High School. She manages to fit in, not get upset over little things like me, talk to me and attempt to make me feel better. I wish I was more like her...well from what I see of her.

Then this morning i felt awful. i was so tired and i felt sick. i woke up at noon and read for a half and hour. then i had my riding lesson. i didn't want to go. at all. i went. i rode Dana's horse - Kiwi. She told me as I was taking Kiwi to get on her that she as going to be hyper today. she probably hadn't been ridden in a while. so i rode her and she wasn't perfect, she wasn't horrible either. i cantered in the first direction and it wasn't that great. she kept putting her head down and wasn't very consistent and i doubt i was doing a good job. Carolyn wasn't telling me much to do either. then the second direction i fell off. Carolyn told me to circle, so i was then Kiwi just stopped. i fell over her neck and somehow was facing the other way. so i was looking one way and Kiwi the other. i had my eyes open for part of the ride down and i remember what it looked like. i hurt my back. and it still hurts now. it hurt the most when i sneezed. Carolyn got back on her and rode her and she was fine. then she asked if i was ready and i was a wimp and said yes but i didn't want to canter. she was fine afterwards, just trotting around. when i was done Dana took her and rode her. i know that she felt bad that her horse threw me but it wasn't her fault. if it was anyone's fault, it was mine. and i am proud of myself that i didn't cry when i fell off. i almost did though when Mommy came in and started talking to me.

later when i was talking to my mom about it, she had gone back to the barn to feed and talked to Laura and thought it might have been Lacey, another horse in the lesson. When I circled Lacey was coming up on the long side. I had to turn early so I wouldn't crash into her. That was my last thoughts were about. Kiwi has something against Lacey. I also remember when Carolyn was riding she went over near Lacey and said "Do you like Lacey?" or something like that. Then when I was riding again the teenage Laura who was riding Lacey was trying to get her to stand on a bag and Lacey did something that made Kiwi stop or do something silly. So maybe it was Lacey but I wasn't a good enough rider to stay on.

People who aren't horse people don't understand falling off. It isn't good. i think they get that. but it is more like a question of your ability to ride almost. at least that is how i see it. i know that everyone falls off but still if someone else was in that situation would they have fallen off? i don't know. and really i just want to forget about it. but i am afraid of what will happen when i see Dana and all of them next. ahahadklfjlakdsjfkldsajfalks;dfjaskldfjklasdjfkldsjfkladsnbgjkdfnghsgjriael;jsdlkgn I have more i want to talk about but really i should stop and go to bed. it is 8:30 now. arggg. i wish there was someone i could talk to about all of this and would understand and wouldn't care if i cried and would support me. sounds like my mother but someone more my age, who would understand better. i have no one. but not really. i have lots but it is hard. do you understand me and my life at all?