come on molly, man up. or girl up. or toughen up.

or stop being a wuss.

today when i was walking from homeroom to english and guess who ended up walking next to me? Joey Lapierre. he looked exactly like his profile picture. now you think that i would have said something once i realized who he was. but i didn't. why not? because i had absolutely no idea what to say. none at all. and i was thrown off guard. i was planning on not seeing him at all today. and then he was next to me and i was following him up the stairs but then he went into the math hallway and i went into the english hallway. but it was like "oh i should say something to him...i don't know what...ah" and then i was worried for the rest of the day that he would think i was some jerk who made it seem like i wanted to talk to him on the internet but then ignore him in real life. which i guess i did but i didn't know what to say. plus he could have said something and it was him who messaged me first. so yeah. and i wonder if he intentally ended up next to me. probably not. but still now i'm all frazzled.

and to make it worse today we were working on a debate in history and i was pretty much silent the whole time. you know that one person in the group that really wants to be included but every time they say something no one knows what else to say. that's me. and everyone is nice to me, it's not like they bully me, it's more that i don't know what to say or how to act in that situation. and there was an opportunity for me ask Dimitri what was wrong with him finger at the end of class and when we were walking to our lockers but i'm a loser and didn't say anything. i clearly thought to myself "i should say something" but i didn't.

so now i beat myself up about being silent now. but then i'll forget all about this and not worry about it. and what i will do is continue with my old ways. there is more than a fifty percent chance that when presented with the same opportunity tomorrow i will do the same thing.

now here is the question. is that just who i am? do i accept that and move on or do i beat myself up until i make a change and start talking more? do i have to talk more? isn't my life perfectly fine the way it is? or would it be better if i had talked to Joey or Dimitri or made more of an effort during AP class?

just sigh and move onto your homework molly. stop with all these nonsense questions. you are just one person in the world and your worries don't mean anything compared to what other people are worrying about. so quit it. stay quiet and let all the big shots do all the talking because you'll have your turn one day. just not now.

edit: would you look at that. the quote of the day relates to talking and being silent and how there are many different ways to talk and many different ways to be silent. how relevant
"Silence may be as variously shaded as speech." – Edith Wharton (1862-1937)