just throw a wrench in things why don't you?

that's just the first title that came to mind, it really doesn't apply but hey.

first of all i couldn't open my locker this morning. -_- so i had to go to the office and i was good for the rest of the day. but after i got it open everyone was in homeroom but Josh came and gave me my stuff that i gave to Abby so i didn't have to carry it around. i think he said "here you go" or "here's your stuff" or something like that and i said something like "oh thank you very much" and then he left. pretty awesome, eh? but seeing as i just embarrassed myself by not being able to open my stinkin locker. but actually i see not being able to open my locker as kind of a blessing in disguise. sort of. but Josh waited around with Abby and Colin while i stood in front of my locker trying to get it open like a fool. he could have left at any time but he waited. that could be because he had to give me back my book i gave him last year probably around this time. a year later isn't that bad. but that was that.

but then i was talking to Abby when i finally got to homework and thankfully Mr. Cavalon is cool and was like "you're all set". and Abby said something along the lines of "you're going to have another encounter with Josh today" and i was just like "whatever, i'm not going to worry about it. if it happens it does. right now i am exhausted and i just completely made a fool of myself and it's monday morning so that's not a great start so what else is going to happen?" but to myself. but of course i couldn't just forget about it. so as I'm taking my math test i am thinking about what Abby has planned. and i actually called myself out on it while i was taking my test, i thought "Molly you should be focusing on your test instead of thinking about this nonsense" but i didn't call it nonsense, because it isn't really. it is the important part of my life. sarcasm. but it is the most interesting and exciting.

and then during lunch Abby randomly asks me, "What's the title of your book?" and I say "My book I wrote last year or the one I completely failed on this year?" and she said "Last year" and then i was all like "Coaching" and then she was all like "oh right, i couldn't remember" and then i was all like...actually i didn't say anything of importance after that. i just wanted to say "and then i was all like" one more time.

but then later when Colin was off talking to someone i asked Abby what she meant earlier during homeroom because even a math class couldn't keep me from thinking about it. and she was all like (okay i'm going to stop saying that now) "i meant, he should have an encounter with you" which means they were talking about me. score! right? i don't know. and then we had a conversation where i figured out that for some strange bizarre (that's one of our vocab words this week) reason he wants to read my book. i sigh just at the mention of my book because it is complete crap. honestly. the story line is horrible and the characters are underdeveloped and the main character's voice is horrible and there are errors everywhere and i just ramble on and it is not good at all. there is a reason why my mother is the only one who has read it. i was so proud of it before but now i can see all its flaws, and there are a lot of them. but that's okay because this is my stepping stone novel, get the first one out of the way so the next one will be better. well there wasn't one this year, which makes me sad.

but the awfulness of my story is beside the point, the point is, or points are, 1. Why would Josh want to read this story? 2. How does he know about this story? I mean, it's not a secret, but I don't broadcast it either. 3. I was the topic of discussion at one point 4. Abby wasn't supposed to tell me something, which I'm not sure what exactly that is - meaning I don't know if the whole "he wants to read my story" deal was what she wasn't supposed to say. 5. I was going to give Abby my story to read first because I'll let her read anything I write even if it is as awful as this story is, and then she would give it to him. But I am thinking of making him ask me. Because if he asks me there is no way I can say no because he actually talked to me. -gasp- 6. I am not sure what this whole thing means. Back to point number one.

If you haven't figured this out, I like to know everything that is going on. Abby can't have a secret from me, I'll figure it out or make her tell me (but in return I tell her everything, I don't even try to hide anything from her, that's why she is reading this blog right now) I also want to know people's motives or why things are. I like to feel like I am in control. But I may have to give that up some. I tried to. I said to myself "Okay I am going to back off the whole Josh thing and see where things go" and that worked up until something happen then I ran to my blog to write about it. So at the same time I like to be in control and know what is happening I realize that isn't always going to be the case. It isn't possible to know what everyone is thinking and why people say things, but that's part of the fun isn't it? If I knew everything I wouldn't feel so excited and happy at the possibilities. There wouldn't be any room to make things seem better than they actually are. The nervousness and not knowing is part of the fun. It drives me crazy for sure but it also makes me smile a bit.

Two things. I need to go get my book and I want to get a magazine and write a quote from Taylor Swift. be back soon but you won't even know I was gone.

Okay I'm back. So it is Seventeen magazine which is just a fabulous magazine. You can decide if that was sarcasm of not. But here is a quote. I'm quoting the magazine which is asking Taylor Swift questions, TS means that I am starting Taylor's response so here you go: "17: Are you the kind of girl who falls easily? TS: No. I get infatuated pretty easily, though. I think that giving someone your affection and giving someone your trust is a different thing. You can think about someone all day long and put his picture as your phone background, and even though you don't trust him yet, you're hopeful that he could be someone in your life." just replace the whole picture as your phone background with write a blog post or two about him.

And I found my book and honestly just the idea of it makes me not like it at all. but my name is on it and i wrote it. i should be proud of it but i'm not. i think the story i was writing this time around just much better...wait i'm forgetting what i was writing about. oh now i remember. maybe i'll include what i have written from that and the other story i started over the summer in the back of the book. that's a good idea. i'll ask Abby. or i'll have her read this whole big thing. because before i do anything else i need to do at least one IDS, hopefully two.

edit: i don't get the quote of the day, do you? "A man's desire is for the woman, but the woman's desire is rarely other than for the desire of the man." – Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772-1834)

why do i love youtube so much?

ah i love it. this one kid just made me laugh. here is what he said: "hey guys what's up? why was 7 afraid of 8 because 8 9 10, wait a minute" and it doesn't sound funny there but it is awesome. this guy is so awesome because he is so random. he just talks about the most random things and it is great. his name is Zach with the username funnyz and i found him because he did a video with Tyson Thibadeau who i also subscribed to today and he is adorable and awesome too. i found him because he was featured on "The Station is Watching You" which is a series of videos that a big "Station" does and it features small youtubers and i love watching that because i discover new videos.

anyways why do i love youtube so much? i believe it is because they are actual people. i can see these people in their bedrooms talking to their camera. they are real people who put their videos up for people to see. and they are just awesome and i want to be as cool as them. i guess that's the only reason. it's not a good reason.

i need to come up with cool ideas of videos to make. i'm just not cool. come on molly be a cool youtuber.

actually i need to find my camera and see if i can figure out the video feature on that. and then i want to make an awesome video using people. what i am going to do is have people sit a certain distance from the camera and film them saying "I'm thinking sunshine" and maybe have them have a piece of paper cut out to look like a thought bubble with a picture of a sun or whatever the song says. and i could get a bunch of different people to do this and it would look so cool. and then i would win the contest. i want to do this. first step is first, let me find my camera.

so today i had a lesson and after my lesson i was going to do homework. i didn't. nope. i wasted all my time on the computer. i accomplished nothing. i was seriously going to do homework but then Maeve said just wait until tomorrow. so i am waiting until tomorrow. i was going to make a video but all the footage i got was so boring and i was bored editing it so anyone watching it would have been extremely bored, so i gave up. so today was a waste of a day. but i enjoyed wasting it so it really wasn't that much of a waste.

today is the third day in a row that i put makeup on. i look pretty darn nice if i do say so myself. i just need to get some stuff to put my on eye before eyeshadow and such because it never says. i used to have some primer but i left it in Virginia along with my favorite eye shadows. christmas is coming. but it's not like i'm going crazy with makeup. don't worry. but it's fun to experiment when i have the time and i'm not going to school. so.

it snowed for the first time today. i don't like the snow. while it is kind of pretty and the whole concept of it is pretty cool. i don't like the cold so i don't really like the snow. i do not like to be cold. the temperature of my house was at 67 and i turned the heat up to 70. yep.

maeve's having a birthday party tonight. i didn't plan ahead so i would be doing something else. that's alright. i'll just hide on the computer. it's not like i've been on the computer all day today. oh right, i have.

shucks.

i like looking at this blog. i can look at all the words i've written, all the titles, all the dates. what i have here are snapshots of my life. not too many people can say that have that. even if no one other than me and Abby ever read this blog i'm still glad i have it. even if i never read it after i stop writing in it, i am glad i have it. it's a little package of every feeling i've ever felt. it's not sugarcoated or glamorous and it's not fake. if there is one thing this blog most definitely is not, it's fake.

so no matter how much i bash on this blog and say how it's stupid that i'm writing it and when i half celebrate getting to 600 posts shortly, i am glad i have this blog. even though it isn't all of me - like you can't say you know me just by reading this blog, you have to take to me because verbal in person conversation is essential to a relationship - it is totally me. like when you are shopping and you see something and you go "that's so me." Well that is what this blog it to me. it is completely Molly. no one can take it from me. these are my words. my thoughts. my feelings. my blog. and that makes me smile. no matter what happens, or doesn't happen, i can write about it in this little blog that is all my own.

(:

Abby, I really love you too. (:

this was the first Thanksgiving that i cried at. i cried when we went around the table and had to say what we were thankful for. i was the last one. i listened to my mom, dad, sisters, aunts, uncle, and cousins say what they were thankful for. i heard "i'm thankful for my husky" which is a stuffed animal, "i'm thankful for my family", "i'm thankful that we got here with no traffic", "i'm thankful that my house is finished", "i'm thankful that Lori's house is finished" and when it got to me i said "i'm thankful that i am so lucky and that i'm here." and i started silently crying. all i could think of was friday and all those people who talked about their families and how they lost a parent or their parents aren't the parents they are supposed to be. i am so lucky that i have parents who love me and who care about me and that i have a family. those little children look up to me and love spending time with me. i have such a warm and loving family and i am so lucky.

i'm going to start crying again.

happy thanksgiving.

I would like to try to work on something different, which i don't work on often. I'm stuck in my routine so i would like to do something fun for the next five minutes or so. i wonder if you will figure out the something different which i'm currently doing. i'm smiling since i'm performing this difficult thing currently. it is difficult but it's fun. others might think i'm weird to do this without being forced to. but i like doing different things like this. but i'm molly.

did you figure it out? there is one letter which i never used in this whole blog post. i never used outside sources to come up with words, only my mind. i'm cool.

This is what Katelyn thinks about last Friday:

"Bullshit
I really liked how everyone was all, “I HAVE SO MUCH MORE RESPECT FOR EVERYONE NOW~~~~” But now that they’re home and not at school, they have just turned away from it all and are still acting like the assholes that they are.

It took everything in me to not go up there and reveal what my life REALLY is like. If I did, I would have most likely gotten everything taken away from me and I wouldn’t be here typing this.

Everyone is just fucking superficial, I swear to God. Nobody really gives a shit about anyone. I really see this now.

Everyone in my school is fucking dumb. I swear. "

come on molly, man up. or girl up. or toughen up.

or stop being a wuss.

today when i was walking from homeroom to english and guess who ended up walking next to me? Joey Lapierre. he looked exactly like his profile picture. now you think that i would have said something once i realized who he was. but i didn't. why not? because i had absolutely no idea what to say. none at all. and i was thrown off guard. i was planning on not seeing him at all today. and then he was next to me and i was following him up the stairs but then he went into the math hallway and i went into the english hallway. but it was like "oh i should say something to him...i don't know what...ah" and then i was worried for the rest of the day that he would think i was some jerk who made it seem like i wanted to talk to him on the internet but then ignore him in real life. which i guess i did but i didn't know what to say. plus he could have said something and it was him who messaged me first. so yeah. and i wonder if he intentally ended up next to me. probably not. but still now i'm all frazzled.

and to make it worse today we were working on a debate in history and i was pretty much silent the whole time. you know that one person in the group that really wants to be included but every time they say something no one knows what else to say. that's me. and everyone is nice to me, it's not like they bully me, it's more that i don't know what to say or how to act in that situation. and there was an opportunity for me ask Dimitri what was wrong with him finger at the end of class and when we were walking to our lockers but i'm a loser and didn't say anything. i clearly thought to myself "i should say something" but i didn't.

so now i beat myself up about being silent now. but then i'll forget all about this and not worry about it. and what i will do is continue with my old ways. there is more than a fifty percent chance that when presented with the same opportunity tomorrow i will do the same thing.

now here is the question. is that just who i am? do i accept that and move on or do i beat myself up until i make a change and start talking more? do i have to talk more? isn't my life perfectly fine the way it is? or would it be better if i had talked to Joey or Dimitri or made more of an effort during AP class?

just sigh and move onto your homework molly. stop with all these nonsense questions. you are just one person in the world and your worries don't mean anything compared to what other people are worrying about. so quit it. stay quiet and let all the big shots do all the talking because you'll have your turn one day. just not now.

edit: would you look at that. the quote of the day relates to talking and being silent and how there are many different ways to talk and many different ways to be silent. how relevant
"Silence may be as variously shaded as speech." – Edith Wharton (1862-1937)

Joey Lapierre.

I just need to document this in case this thing does become big or something. Because this blog has become proof of my existence.

And this is post number 590.

MESSAGE FROM STEPHANIE TOBIN sent November 19 at 9:55pm
Stephanie Tobin November 19 at 9:55pm Reply • Report
Joey Lapierre November 19 at 3:41pm Reply • Report
My story

Hi my name is Joey LaPierre many of you may not know who I am but I’m new to HRHS. I came from Springfield. I’m writing this because I didn’t have the courage to get up and talk in front of everyone. So here is my story… I went to Springfield Central High School. My family moved to Southampton over the summer. When I fond out that we where moving I was happy, I was thinking a new school, new friends and make a new start for my life. At my old school I wasn’t the best student, I would be in and out of trouble. Never really had good grades. So I said to myself that I wouldn’t do that, im at a new school I’m going to do good. So when I get to HRHS I thought I was going to fit right in with everyone, well I was wrong… the first month I didn’t talk to anyone really, no one really tried talking to me. No one has really tried to really get to know me except for one person. The one person is Olivia Griswold. Olivia was the only one who really tried to get to know me and I thank her for that. At central I never really fit in either there was one or two people that I could really talk to so I thought maybe it was me. Maybe its my fault that no one is talking to me and maybe it really is, I don’t know. I tried talking to a few people but it didn’t work out like I wanted it to. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough? Or maybe I tried to hard? I don’t know… And that’s my story…
I wrote “my story” because I want people to know my story. I don’t want people to start talking to me just because they feel sorry for me. I want people to get to know me because they want to.

Kristi Esposito November 19 at 10:11pm Reply • Report
♥
Sent via Facebook Mobile

Kimberly Russell November 19 at 10:12pm Reply • Report
\m/_

Stephanie Tobin November 19 at 10:14pm Reply • Report
if you guys want to he wants people to send it to their friends

Avarie Lynn Hanlon November 19 at 10:27pm Reply • Report
♥ (:

Abby Lynn November 20 at 9:27am Reply • Report
can do. and i feel horrid asking this, but what grade is this kid in? i am going to feel like such a jerk if he is in our grade.

Kimberly Russell November 20 at 9:39am Reply • Report
Joey? Yes our grade
Sent via Facebook Mobile

Abby Lynn November 20 at 9:46am Reply • Report
grrr. i know. i friend requested him. i feel bad now.

Kimberly Russell November 20 at 9:46am Reply • Report
Awee :Ö
Sent via Facebook Mobile

Rebecca Sieracki November 20 at 11:49am Reply • Report
I was always afriad to talk to him, because he didn't really seem like he wanted to talk to anyone... but I guess he's just shy.

Stephanie Tobin November 21 at 2:31pm Reply • Report
yea i guess so

SENT FRIEND REQUEST TO JOEY ON THE MORNING OF NOVEMBER 20TH
FRIEND REQUEST ACCEPTED ON THE NIGHT OF NOVEMBER 20TH

MESSAGE RECEIVED RIGHT AFTER FRIEND REQUEST WAS ACCEPTED:
Between You and Joey Lapierre

Joey Lapierre November 20 at 9:44pm Report
hey whos this?

Molly Ronan November 20 at 9:55pm
Hi. I'm Molly. I'm one of those people who received your story via message on facebook. So I figured that I would show my support by sending a friend request. How many of those have you gotten today?

But anyways I'm in your grade at school, but I don't have any classes with you. I hope you don't find it creepy that I added you as friend even though I never talked to you before, but that assembly on Friday made a huge difference. You haven't been at HRHS that long but I've been in this school district ever since I was in preschool and things like that don't happen here, ever. And I wanted to get to know you, because even though I have been here since forever I can relate to your story. There were times when I cried myself to sleep because I didn't have any friends and I didn't "fit in." I still feel like that sometimes but now I have friends I know I can count on.

So, hi. I'm Molly. Nice to meet you, Joey. I hope Monday you find that you enjoy HRHS a little bit more.

Joey Lapierre November 20 at 9:58pm Report
hey molly i've gotin 3 friend requests today and thank you for reading it and its nice to meet you as well

Molly Ronan November 20 at 10:07pm
I have to ask, what were you thinking when you sent that message out? What were you expecting to happen? What did you want to happen? Don't feel like you have to answer. I'm just curious because I don't have enough courage to post my own story, and I have nothing to lose by asking.

Joey Lapierre November 20 at 10:10pm Report
honestly im not sure wat i wanted to get out of it i think i just wanted people to know my story and maybe make a few good friends

Molly Ronan November 20 at 10:19pm
(:

Joey Lapierre November 20 at 10:20pm Report
so what are you up to?

Molly Ronan November 21 at 10:27am
Well last night I was watching youtube videos but then I went to sleep. I had to get up at 8 yesterday so I was exhausted. Now I am about to start doing homework then I have an awards banquet to go to.

What about you?

Joey Lapierre November 21 at 10:28am Report
nothing really just bored

Molly Ronan November 21 at 10:55am
How did you like the pep rally on Friday? You were doing tech, right?

Joey Lapierre November 21 at 11:50am Report
yea i was and i liked it
how did u like it

Molly Ronan November 21 at 7:08pm
I thought it was pretty good. The minute-to-win-it games were better than some past years. And the live music was pretty cool. I was just so exhausted from the assembly earlier but yeah overall I liked it too.

Joey Lapierre November 21 at 7:14pm Report
yeah :) i hope the music sounded good lol

Molly Ronan November 21 at 8:04pm
Haha, yeah it did. How do you like music tech? It sounds like a cool class to take.

Joey Lapierre November 21 at 8:05pm Report
i love it hey do u wanna text me?

Molly Ronan November 21 at 8:12pm
It sounds like a class I might want to take because I love music but I'm horrible at sing and can only play the piano a little bit. How about when I talk to you in person I'll give you my number?

Joey Lapierre November 21 at 8:15pm Report
thats why i like it so much cuz i dont have to know how to play anything i can just set up mics and get levels wile the others play and i record it and ok that sounds good

Molly Ronan November 21 at 8:24pm
Yeah! I want to go into business after high school and college and I wouldn't mind doing some of the behind the scene stuff in the music world. Do you want to do something relating to music once you get into the real world? Because high school is all fake you know.

Joey Lapierre November 21 at 8:26pm Report
idk wat i wanna do yet

Molly Ronan November 21 at 8:45pm
You still have plenty of time. Anyways...yeah.

Joey Lapierre November 21 at 8:48pm Report
yeah soo how are you

CONVERSATION WITH ABBY WHILE THE MESSAGES WERE GOING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN JOEY AND I:
JUST KIDDING FACEBOOK IS STUPID AND DOESN'T SAVE THE WHOLE CHAT HISTORY.
but basically i told her that i was sending him messages and she asked if i liked him as a person. and i said how the conversation was kind of awkward because he just responds with the bare minimum and she agreed. and i said that i was trying hard not to judge him because normally i wouldn't talk to "people like him" and how it is weird that he doesn't try harder to keep a conversation going if he sent out that message in the first place.

And that is pretty much it. I have to figure out what I am going to say next to him and then I think I am going to sleep. School tomorrow.

Random fact: I have 7002 emails in my inbox

edit: I just wanted to add the last two messages because I don't know how else to reply so I think this will be the end, unless he decided to message me again or we actually talk to each other at school - but I doubt that will happen because until I got that message I didn't even know he went to our school. I saw him at the pep rally doing tech stuff but that was the first time and I had no idea he was in our class. But here you go:

Molly Ronan November 21 at 8:54pm
I'm good, happy actually. What about you?

Joey Lapierre November 21 at 8:56pm Report
im pretty good

And second thing, the quote of the day: "A true friend is one soul in two bodies." – Aristotle (384 BC-322 BC)

A Conversation Between Erwin Schrödinger and a Friend

Friend - Hey Schrödinger, what did you do this weekend?
Schrödinger - I came up this with equation.
- Can I hear it?
- Sure, one form of it is:
- That's cool. Did you use a computer?
- Nope.
- A calculator?
- Nope.
- What did you use?
- My brain.
- And it took you a weekend?
- Yep.
- Does it work?
- Yep.
- Cool.
- Yep.

your story doesn't stop there.

if you really knew me.

Hi. My name is Molly. You might not know who I am because I don't talk during class often. That's my choice. Nothing has happened in my life that has made me never want to speak again. Because I do speak. To people who know me.

I would much rather type everything than speak. Why? Because with written words there is no pressure. I can take as long as I want to write something. I can use as many words as I want. I can't say the wrong thing because I can think about what I want to say before I say it.

If you really knew me you would know that I think more than I should. I have probably thought about you at some point because that's what I do. I

RESTARTING CAUSE THAT SUCKS.

I am extremely lucky. Beyond lucky. Yesterday made me fully realize that. I am wondering if I should even be writing this because my story is insignificant but that's not what this is about. This is about understanding each other. This is about opening your mind to other people and wondering what they their life is like.

I've always wondered what people's lives are really like. You do not know how many people I have wanted to talk to but never have. There is a good chance you are one of those people because I have believed for long time in the ice berg theory. But I don't have the courage to say anything. If I have never talked to you before there is more than a fifty percent chance I will never say anything to you. Because it's scary. I might think that you are a fabulous person from what I have seen but I still won't talk to you. Why? 1. I wouldn't know what to say 2. It would be beyond awkward. Imagine if I just walked up to you and said "hi" what would you think? You would be pretty shocked right? Because that doesn't happen at our school. You stick with your group of friends and that's it.

My home life pretty darn wonderful and I'm not complaining at all. That doesn't mean the pressure isn't there. While my family doesn't come straight out and say "You have to get all As" I can feel it. It's the hidden pressure. Everything in my family isn't said, but you can feel it. When someone is upset we don't talk about it. We just stay silent until it goes away. We don't tell each other everything. They won't be reading this.

I'm not sure what else to write. I guess I want to get out all because someone is quiet it doesn't mean that they don't want to talk, sometimes they just don't know what to say. And when you get into a habit it's hard to break it.

THAT WAS PRETTY SILLY. HOW COME WHEN I WANT SOMETHING I WRITE TO BE MEANINGFUL I CAN'T DO IT. WHEN IT MATTERS I CAN'T DO SOMETHING I'M SATISFIED.

so in case you can't tell i won't be posting that on facebook. let me give it one more chance. starting now.

I want to talk about something that I think goes along with "if you really knew me".

Do you have to tell a group of people your secrets to gain their respect?

JUST KIDDING STARTING AGAIN.

What would you do if on Monday I came up and started talking to you? Honestly think about what you would think, what you would do.

My guess is that you would be shocked. Why? Because I barley talk to anyone who isn't my friend. When I'm with my friends I'm one of the more outgoing and loud ones but you wouldn't know that.

Why am I writing this now? Because you don't know what it is like to be me. No, I don't have a story worth sharing in front of the whole school but that doesn't make me any less important. I am lucky. I am extremely lucky. I broke down during the assembly yesterday because that it really hit me how lucky I am and how I take that for granted and how unfair it is that I can have such a great life while there are other people who are suffering so much. It is so unfair. At the same time though everyone who didn't talk at the assembly have stories too. They might be quieter stories but they aren't any less important.

Now is the hard part. Successfully getting across my story. Honestly I don't think my story is even worth telling because there is barley one to tell. I could tell you how everyday I try to get up the courage to talk to people I don't normally talk to, but I never do. My heart starts racing and I don't know what to say so I just don't say anything. I can't even talk on the phone. That's why I have put off making my driving appointments, because I don't want to talk on the phone. I am also afraid of saying the wrong thing but at the same time I realize that sometimes it is better to just say something, even if it is the "wrong" thing, instead of not saying anything at all. But it's hard to break old habits.

I could talk more about me but let's bring this farther from me. Think about that quiet person in your class who only talks to one or two people. Why do you think they are quiet? Do you think the reason they are quiet is because they think they are better than everyone else? The answer to that is probably the exact opposite. What would happen if you took the first step and talked to them? You would probably make their day. Yeah you might have to endure an awkward conversation but you never know maybe you'll make a few friend.

People don't do that though. When was the last time you talked to someone you barley talk to, just because you wanted to? You don't just talk to different people. You have your friends so you stick with them. You don't need any more friends. But why not try to make a new friend? It might be the easiest thing you do. But it might be really hard too. It would be hard for me. Talking to people isn't my strong suit.

Now I need to try to wrap this up and get my point across.

All those people you walk by in the hallway and don't give a second look - they could be the most amazing people you will ever meet. You don't know unless you talk to them.

Here I am writing about how you should talk to someone you don't normally like it is no big deal. But that is a big deal to me. It is much easier to keep walking by. It is much easier to not put yourself out there. Maybe I should challenge myself. This would be the time to do it. But if I do it, you have to do it too. But now all the questions start pouring in. Who would I talk to? What would I say? How about I stop thinking and just do it. What about you?

THAT WAS KIND OF STUPID BUT NOT THAT BAD. GOODNESS THIS IS HARD. I'M JUST GOING TO POST THIS UP HERE AND MAKE ABBY READ IT.

edit: quote of the day "Live while ye may." – John Milton (1608-1674)

speachless.

i am so lucky. i am beyond lucky. i am so grateful. so grateful. it is unfair that my life is so great while some people have to deal with some horrible things in their lives. it makes me feel horrible.

i'm not even sure how i should approach this because it was pretty darn amazing. at an average day in high school you walk past people every day and not give them a second look. you don't talk to them, you don't worry about what they are going through. if anything you judge. you judge them whether you mean to or not. i don't think anyone at HRHS will be judging people anytime soon.

when i first heard that there was going to be an anti-bullying seminar i was like "oh great we are going to listen to them talk to me about how we shouldn't bully but i already don't bully" but that was scary. after hearing what happened at the middle school assembly i was a little bit afraid but excited.

the beginning part of the assembly was like normal. they talked and such. and then Sam talked. if Maeve hadn't told me that he was going to speak and that he was ill, that would have came as even more of a shock. good god. he is amazing. so amazing. he has to go through everyday with a headache that doesn't go away. he can't sleep. and now he can't run. and i never would have guessed. i see him every other day in study hall, i see him play the drums - he is the reason why i want to play drums - and i had no idea he was in pain. constant pain. and then he thanked his parents and they were there and seeing him hug them. that's when i started to feel like crying.

then they showed the tv show If You Really Knew Me and i felt like crying during that show. but still it was just a typical assembly. then they opened up the floor for anyone to talk. it was afraid that no one was going to talk but then Michelle Jaskini came up. and she told us how she has depression and has been in and out of the hospital and how she tried to kill herself. and i knew some of that but not all of it. and seeing how brave she was to come up and talk to everyone as she cried. and then Trish came up and talked. thats when Abby started to really cry. and then Abby came up next. that's when i started to cry. it's not like Abby said anything that shocked me, but just seeing her in front of everyone telling everyone about her life and about Trish and yeah i cried. and pretty much didn't stop for the rest of the time.

people began to line up on either side of the stage to take their turn with the microphone. and i wish i could write every name of everyone that went up there. but i don't remember all their names. and there were a lot of people. every time someone else went and go into that line to speak my heart broke a tiny bit because them being up there meant that there was something in their life that affected them in such a way it was worth saying. but at the same time i was glad that they were going to get it out.

and the stories they told. oh my goodness. i didn't know any of that about any of the people up there. people told us about how their parents left them. how their parents died. how they don't want to go home. how they are abused. how they were raped. one girl was raped by her best friend. that's just one story. there were a ton more.

that doesn't even explain it. people were getting up in front of their whole class and telling all those secrets that they try so hard to hide. they wanted to be understood. abby said that and i agree completely. they want to be understood. they want people to know. everyone wants that but just now they have the opportunity. you don't have that opportunity often and if they did this again i don't think it would be the same. this was one of those special moments that you can't recreate.

i didn't say anything but if i did i would say: "Hi. I'm Molly, that smart quiet girl. If I don't have a class with you there is a good chance you don't know who I am. And I am lucky. So lucky. My life isn't nearly as bad as the rest of the people who have talked. I just want to say thank you to everyone who has spoken and tell them that they are amazing. Keep holding on." but Lucas pretty much said that at the end.

i have nothing that people need to know about me that is hidden behind the surface. other than this blog. there isn't a reason why i don't talk. that's my choice.

but i don't want this blog post to be about me. this is about how our class came together. but the real test will be if anything changes. honestly, i don't think there will be anything on the outside that will change. i think that everyone will still hang out with their friends and not talk to anyone else but there will be respect. we will respect each other so much more. or at least that is what i hope. i hope people don't just forget about this. i know i won't.

but i know that it affected them today. the amount of facebook statuses that i saw. and Sarah Whitley, who was saying she didn't want that to happen, in Chemistry she said that she cried and was glad it happened. and i heard people behind me at lunch saying how it was amazing. and i've heard that it is the best thing that happened to HRHS. so yeah it was a pretty big deal. and i still don't feel like i have been able to completely tell you what happened and how i feel right now. maybe i'll try again later but now i have to eat some dinner with my family. because i am lucky enough to be able to do that.

I WON!

so on this whole blogger thing i follow a good number of author's blogs. and one of those authors is Julie Halpern. I looked her up after I read Into The Wild Nerd Yonder which is such an amazing book. and she also wrote Get Well Soon which is also very good. i believe i have mentioned her at least once, maybe twice or so. but anyways. she has a lot of giveways, like "comment on this post and i'll pick a winner and i'll send them this". so i almost always do them and i have never won.

on Monday November 15, 2010 she posted on her blog for someone to win the ARC of her new novel Don't Stop Now. and I had to look up ARC, but it is advanced reading copy. so that means this book isn't out yet but she is giving it away! let me see when it officially comes out. IT COMES OUT ON MAY 10th. anyways. she posted this contest. all you had to do was "today through Thursday, comment on this blog post and tell me about a secret place you would run away to if given the chance." so i opened up this page to comment and a few other people had commented already, or had their comments approved. anyways i couldn't think of a place. so left it up and did other stuff. and i almost forgot about it. and when i remembered i didn't know what to write and i figured that i wasn't going to be picked anyways so i almost just X-ed out and been done with it. but i didn't. i wrote: "London where no one knows my name. Because I already live too close to Boston and that's where everyone goes." i hope you got the reference to that song. anyways. so Julie posted two other posts until she posted the results. before i went to dodgeball i went to check my blog posts and i saw that Julie had posted a post with the title "Results" so I was like, oh that must be the results for the contest. but i didn't click on it, instead i went down to see the other new posts but then my ride was here so i had to leave. and i just got home. and i checked. and I WON. this is what she posted (in addition to other stuff):

"On to the winner of the Don't Stop Now ARC giveaway contest! Thank you to all who entered! I hope not winning won't prevent you from wanting to read the book someday (out May 10th!). The winner is...

Molly! Who said she would run away to "London where no one knows my name. Because I already live too close to Boston and that's where everyone goes." Please send me an email, Molly, at julie@juliehalpern.com with your address!"

But I emailed her and i am going to be getting what must be an amazing book 6 months before everyone else. i'm so cool.

i guess i could talk about the dodgeball tournament and how next year Abby and I could make a team called "I Hate Dodgeball" and when they ask if we are reading we say "No" and we act like we hate it...cause well we do. but the trick is we will have spent days training to get ready so we will be victorious and win. i'm not sure if it is worth being seriously injured though because it is intense. well if you are playing, otherwise it's boring.

now i need to go finish up in the computer world and go to bed. because tomorrow i have a bullying seminar for two periods and then i have a pep rally last period. Maeve had those two things today since she is in middle school. she said at first they watched part of a show called "Do You Really Know Me?" or something like that. which i hadn't heard about until someone in our class created a group on facebook and everyone (meaning like five people) were talking about how we need to be a class and get along together and all be friends and how we should do something like in that tv show. then i looked up it and i started to watch one episode but the cliques were just way too obvious for me to continue. it might have gotten better but at the beginning it was just like "you have your jocks, your strange people, your..." and i don't like that. i don't feel like they are that obvious, or maybe they which is why i don't like seeing that. anyways they watched that. and then they asked if anyone had any stories to tell and apparently a bunch of kids started telling about their life. and by the end of it everyone was crying. apparently Sam Hanson told his story and he has some sort of illness, and i don't know because this is the first i had heard of Sam's life being anything less than perfect. but no one's life is perfect, we just try our hardest to make it look perfect. and Shelby Benoit told them about how her parents left her when she was young and she was crying. i don't know if those two were planning on sharing their stories or if they just did because. apparently Angi saw this and she was telling us in science and Sarah Whitley was saying how that was stupid and all. i don't think it is stupid. and i hope that happens to us. i have said so many times about how i want to know everyone's true story that people don't talk about because you know it is there.

if i was going to share, which i won't, what would i say? i have nothing to say. because i am so extremely lucky. anything i said would be nothing compared to some of the horror stories my classmates' lives probably are. but i don't know that for sure because i don't know their life yet. the worst that has happened to me was being ditched by my friends in elementary school and having none. and being left out countless times. but right away i can think of someone who can top that. Devin McNulty. she went to elementary school with us and she was the one everyone picked on. i can't remember for certain what i did, i don't think i myself picked on her but i don't think i did anything either. but i do remember either the summer before sixth grade or the summer after sixth grade i invited her to go swimming with me and we went and had fun. and now Devin seems to be one of the most confident people in our grade. of course that is what it seems, she is probably really insecure inside.

i am so extremely lucky. i'm not really insecure. i'm not super confident but i think that is better than being so confident outside but really insecure inside. or you could say that i am just insecure all the way around. but i don't think i really am that much. anyways this is all pre bullying talk. this is only after what Maeve told me. so tomorrow i get to listen about bullying which will make me feel horrible, go to lunch, go to the rest of my classes, and then go to a pep rally.

woohoo.

people are too darn awesome.

i went to a concert tonight. our school band and chorus concert. and i'm really tired.

and those kids are so amazing. all of them.

hearing Abby sing was so great. she sounded so awesome starting off that song and just so amazing and awesome. and ah. wonderful. i felt proud that she was my best friend. and i was smiling through it. so happy for her.

and this one little boy is ahhhhh. let me look up his name so i get it right. Dan Sullivan. you are awesome. i think out of all the guys that sang tonight, he was the best. by far. the poor boys in the high school chorus couldn't compare. now i'm going to go stalk him on facebook. found him. but it doesn't give me much info. he must be in the 7th grade though since he didn't sing last year. why the heck do i have to be so old? why can't i be in 7th grade back when i still believed that i could sing well? ha what if Dan got the lead in the musical and Jon didn't get it. that would be hilarious. but in all seriousness. this guy is awesome.

also i still want to play the drums. why can't i have the drum skills of Sam Hanson cause he is just a beast. AND i want the beat boxing skills of Ms. Tanya Meyer. like seriously. i still think if i could do that it would be so awesome. ah. wish i was that cool.

but i had a lot of fun watching the first half of the concert with Abby so we could make our little remarks to each other and dance around. much better than the second half when i was with Bella and her mom. something as simple as sitting together at a concert made my day.

actually jumping with no hands might have helped make my day as well.

and the saxophone is wicked cool. and the chello, which abby is going to learn how to play when we join beginning band next year. wouldn't that be hilarious if we walked into class the first day as was like "Hi Mrs. Adams Smith, we are seniors and we want to learn how to play a musical instrument. What do I want to play? Well I already know a little bit of piano but I want to learn how to play the drums, the saxophone, the guitar, and how to beat box. So let's get started!"

but i wish i could play a musical instrument that well. cause you know it's awesome.

so i am one of those people that is not musically talented but wishes she was. so i am hoping that i will take that later in life and do something with music. like i'll have some huge music company and i'll get messages saying "Hi Molly, I'm not sure if you remember me or not but I went to high school with you. I was in the band and you watched me play at a bunch of concerts. Do you think you can hook me up with your company?" and if I like them I'll be like "Oh yeah!" and if I don't I will just laugh in their face and say "No".

but i am so tired. so i'm going to go to sleep and dream of beat boxing for "Club Can't Handle Me" and of being part of that awesome band and chorus our school has.

oh my goodness. it's 10 o'clock.

compare for a second.

today i got home. i was brave and i called my driving instructor to set up appointments. he said call back around 6. alright. i had a microwaveable pizza. i watched youtube videos. i did a spanish article due thursday. i watched some more youtube videos. i got sucked into watching maura play some club penguin. watched some more youtube videos. stalked the Shaytard family, especially Shay's brother Logan who is rather goodlooking. thought about doing some history homework but instead didn't even take it out of my bag and instead went on facebook and started typing this up.

earlier today i got my report. i made first honors, meaning i had all As. 95 in Advanced Math, 95 in Chemistry, 93 in Ceramics, 93 in Spanish Honors, 90 in English Honors, and 90 in Advanced Placement US History. HOLY MOLY GUACAMOLE. that's really good. like really good. i must of done a lot of work to get that. like the amount of work i did today.

but i am proud of those grades. and yes, a lot of it comes naturally to me. but that doesn't mean that everyday is like today. the only reason why i'm not doing homework now is because i finished it either during class when it was assigned, or in the second half of double lab because i finished the worksheet we were supposed to be working on. and some days are more stressful than others. i have a feeling it is going to get worse as we go farther into the year. but right now junior year hasn't held up to what everyone makes it out to be.

totes mcgotes.

i don't have anything else to write about. i could write about how Katelyn was very mad with her history grade because it was in the low 70s. i could write about how i walked behind Josh in the hallway after english and i didn't say anything even though i should of. later i thought that i could have asked him about horse judging. but whatever yo. i could talk about how i see how i get quieter in each class as the year goes on. it should be the other way around right? i could talk about how yesterday i was so tempted to write another post, multiple times, but i wanted that hunger post to stand on its own. i could talk about how by the end of the day Katelyn and I have nothing to talk about because we have seen each other all day and have ran out of things to say. i could talk about something deep and meaningful.

this is my problem. i don't have anything good to write about. i have an idea. i will brainstorm for a music video i want to make so i have a plan. i'm not going to do that on this blog though. cause this blog is...not going there.

Hunger.

Hunger affects all people regardless of race, age, or sex; true or false?

False. Appoximately 60% of the world's hungry are women and one-fifth are under the age of five.

How much does it cost to feed a child for a day?

$0.25 and only $50 to feed a child for a whole year.

The number of malnourished people in the world is equal to:
a) The population of the United States
b) The population of the European Union
c) The population of Canada
d) The population of all of the above, combined

The answer is d. There are almost 1 billion malnourished people, nearly one seventh of the population

True or False: There is enough food in the world for everyone.

True

super cool.

A list of things i wish i could do well.
1. Dance (like the LXD and super cool people)
2. Fence (you know with super cool swords)
3. Drum (mad cool like and become a famous drummer)
4. Piano (be able to listen to a song and then play it super cool like)
- hold on. i'm forgetting. or was it really only five things? abby this is where i would call upon you but you are not here. i guess that was it. that was a pathetic list. let me write another one.

What to buy me as a gift (such as for Christmas) and description (which could be applied to other girls as well but it is my system) and not directed towards anyone (even though i use the word "you")
1. Necklace (i wear a necklace almost everyday. lately i haven't been but that is because i haven't been able to find any that go well with my outfit and i just look better without one. but if you give me a necklace i will most likely wear it more than once.)
2. Pandora Bead (this will go on my bracelet along with the rest of my charms. so most people won't notice it really but it will be there and i can play with it. i will wear it whenever i wear that bracelet which is fairly often. for a while it was everyday but now it's just whenever i remember)
3. Bracelet (i will most likely wear this whenever i wear my pandora bracelet or if i like it enough and it doesn't go well with my pandora bracelet, i'll wear it instead of my pandora bracelet. but i don't own any bracelets other than my pandora so it probably would be worn more often than a necklace but then again maybe not, it depends)
4. Ring (i only own one ring right now so that ring would most likely be guaranteed a place on a finger every day. unless i forget to put it on.)
5. Book (honestly don't buy me a book because i probably won't read it. someone bought me a book for my birthday and i still haven't read it)
6. iTunes giftcard (while it doesn't seem the most creative or personalized, i live off itunes giftcards cause i actually buy the songs and support the artist instead of illegally downloading songs. so these are a good choice)
7. CD (make a CD out of all the fabulous songs you already have, you only have to buy one blank CD and i'll probably really like it and listen to it a lot)
8. Clothes (ehh on this one. i would rather jewlery but if you see a super awesome shirt or something then of course get it i'll appreciate it)
9. Other Things (i'll probably like it. but the list above are the most obvious things and my opinion on them. i can't think of anything else right now. these are stupid lists. and don't think that i am some sort of horrible person because i made this. you could buy me some chicks to send to Africa which would be super cool as well. but really anything is super cool. if you are super cool enough to buy me something then you are super cool)

other things i want to do
- write a letter to Charlie McDonnell but only use words that are in the lyrics of his new album. but i can't do this until i get his album for Christmas. i think it would be super cool though. i better not forget that after Christmas.

i can't think of anything else to write. i think this is a nice blog post. or maybe a little bit self-centered. the next time i'll make a non-self centered post. maybe. depended on what i need to write about or if i am bored. it's 6:27 by the way.

"we're gonna lose our minds tonight."

"5am turn the radio up."

just kidding that was Wednesday night/Thursday morning. so mind already lost and radio already turned up. and then back down again.

"so raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways."

that is true. i keep sneezing. i'm sick. or allergic. i need a tissue. got one. actually toilet paper cause we're not cool enough to have actual tissues. actually i think i have one of those minipacks upstairs somewhere and there is some in the car. too lazy to get those.

on the way to the equine affair yesterday i wrote a nice long blog post. and then AndroBlogger had an "unexpected error" and I had to force quit. which sucks. so you will never see what i wrote thing. and i got a headache for nothing. but it wasn't a bad headache. my mother probably thought i was writing a novel to Abby. which in a way i am since she is the only one who can read all this. but you know that eventually i want this to be for everyone.

but as you can tell i have been thinking about the allnight skate a lot. not like analyzing it but just remembering different things and how it was fun. it makes me smile. which brings me to Casey O.'s facebook status: "If it makes you smile, do it again". Oh okay why don't i go do that all night skate thing again tonight. hahaha. that's funny. i should be sleeping now but my sleeping patterns are so messed up i feel like i'm about to pass out one second and the next i'm wide awake. but to analyze that status. i think it is true but at the same time if you do something over and over again it loses some sort of magic and it might not make you smile. honestly i think if i do another all night skate it will never be as good and it will make this all night skate not seem as good. you get what i'm saying?

so yeah that was all i thought about Friday at school and then at various times throughout the day Saturday and Sunday.

but today i was almost reminded how scary this whole riding thing is. a girl fell off and had to go to the hospital via ambulance. that girl could have been me. but it wasn't. so after she got taken away to the hospital what did i do? i jumped a horse i had never seen before and then rode another one what decided he was going to zoom around the ring on me but not for anyone else. yeah. people rode that horse before me and after me but he only decided that he wanted to be zippy when i was on him. great. and i was the point rider for that class and everyone else that could have been point rider did better than i did.

whatever though. i'll forget about this show soon enough. just like i'll forget about a lot of other things.

in the post that got deleted i sort of responded to your latest post Abby but now i am not sure if i really want to. let me go read it again...okay i am. i am going to respond. hope you don't mind.

i'm smiling thinking about it again. just in case you were wondering.

and yes i am glad that the first convo-like-thing is over but now the hard part will be the next conversation because we don't know where the other stands. in the sense that i don't know what he thinks about me and he doesn't know that about me either. and then the next conversation will be hard too until it doesn't become awkward. because that whole conversation/talking thing wouldn't have gone as well as it did if Abby wasn't there. cause we both feel comfortable will Abby so we automatically felt comfortable kind of thing. and it could be it was at a weird hour of the day. but i will know that this whole relationship/friendship/whatever will work out when talking to him isn't a big deal. when it would be weird if i passed him in the hallway and didn't say something. like with Abby. when i see her in the hall i'll bump into her or say hi or something. okay yes, there are sometimes when i don't because we are doing our thing and we'll talk later. but right now conversations are like this big deal. which i don't like. it makes it seem like they are...big deals.

i'm curious Abby, if you know and if you want to answer (you really don't have to, okay? and any questions i might ask from here out, you do not have to answer or even acknowledge that i asked), why did Colin not want to talk to us? It just seemed really weird because we sit together at lunch and get along fine and the only thing different from lunch is you take out Jon and put in Josh. so yeah that was weird. but it wasn't terrible either. i am glad it didn't turn into some big drama thing that ruined the night.

Abby it's okay to depend on other people. I wouldn't be who I am not if it wasn't for you. That sounds so big and dramatic but it's true. You have made me a much more confident person than before. Did you know that today I walked around the horse show will a belt wrapped around my waist over my shirt? why? because i wanted to and i thought it looked fashionable. and i hung my pink fifth place ribbon off it so i could show it off even though most people don't show off fifth place ribbons and i ate my sandwich like that in front of everyone. i never would have done that before. and just talking to me. okay so maybe i can't say it is all because of you. but you helped a lot. so while that is different than you and Colin, i think it is sort of similar, right? that's the closest thing i have because i haven't had a guy like that.

and it's okay to be worried just don't let it control you and make you become paranoid. not that you would. just mentioning for the sake of mentioning. especially since i don't know everything that is happening. which is fine by me. honestly. i am perfectly fine being included only as much as you want me to. because the only thing that is my business is my friendship with you, not your friendships with other people. i'm not noisy. cause curiosity killed the cat. even though i'm not a cat.

just to note i have no idea what you last sentence means. i'm not sure if it was directed towards me or not. you don't have to tell me. i can just wonder for a few minutes then forget about it and maybe think about it once or twice more and then it will probably not cross my mind again. oh here's the sentence. which is a lovely sentence just separate like this: "Just please don't be unlovely with someone else."

so i'm just going to finish up this blog and then go to sleep. and then tomorrow i'll do homework. think a little bit too much. carry on. and not really worry about anything cause what happens happens. and no one will be able to tell on the outside that this is how i think and that i even care about all of this and that this blog even exists and that i get nervous and that i do wonder and care and contemplate all this stuf. cause it's cool to make it look like you don't care. (why? but that's for another post) and that's how i roll.

IDEA. Abby ask me questions. Text me, or talk to me on facebook, or make me a blog post filled with questions you want to ask me. All of those ones that pop up when you read my blogs but you are too nice to ask. Ask me those. That way I actually can write about something that you want to read. I write what I want to write or what I think my future readers want me to write but how answer the questions that you want to know. Of course i'll answer them in blog form because i'm not smart enough to answer them in actually speech. jeez, what do you think i am? a human? plus in blog form for some reason i manage to...haha i almost said get my point across better, what a lie. i mean i manage to convey my feelings better? not sure if that is what i am trying to say or not. but if you don't like that idea then just don't do it. or if you don't have a questions be like "um what's your favorite color?" but of course you have questions. who doesn't?

okay it's 9:03pm and i felt like falling asleep before 6 so now i'm just mushy mush of a brain.

nine oh five.

just kidding. two things. i love Taylor Swift's song "Ours" which i listened to via youtube but i should be getting the actual song soon. and the song that was playing at the all-night skate that i was attempting to sing along to but i didn't know all the words is "Our Song" by Spill Canvas.

so the plan? i'm listening to Ours by Taylor Swift now so i am going to keep listening to that and then when i am done i am going to listen to Spill Canvas until i shut down my computer. and i'm going to post the lyrics to both of them because this post isn't nearly long enough. that was sarcasm.

"Ours" Taylor Swift
Elevator buttons and morning air
Strangers' silence makes me wanna take the stairs
If you were here we'd laugh about their vacant stares
But right now, my tongue is theirs

Seems like there's always someone who disapproves
They'll judge it like they know about me and you
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do
The jury's out, but my choice is you

So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high
The waters rough
But this love is ours

You never know what people have up their sleeves
Ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me
Lurking in the shadows with their lip gloss smiles
But I don't care, cause right now you're mine

And you'll say don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high
The waters rough
But this love is ours

And it's not theirs to speculate
If it's wrong and your hands are tough but they are where mine belong and
I'll fight their doubt and give you faith with this song for you

Cause I love the gap between your teeth
And I love the riddles that you speak
And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored
Cause my heart is yours

So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard

So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
But they can't take what's ours
They can't take what's ours
The stakes are high
The waters rough
But this love is ours

"Our Song" Spill Canvas
Be kind when you rewind the story of the two of us
Sometimes you wish we were a little more mysterious
When you look at me with your cinematic eyes
I wanna play the part but I forget the lines

I do it all the time
I never get it right

One daywhen you replay the slideshow we know
Pictures won't show villians and heroes
It's just me killing time with you
Butter knife's dull but it still cuts through

We never were
We'll never be

Strangers kissing in the pouring rain
Chasing after your leaving train
But we know that's not how our song goes

Your'e a waitress in a cocktail bar
And I'll save you cause I'm a big rock star
But we know that's not how our song goes

It goes like this

You didn't like my friends and your mom didn't trust me
I thought I was slick but my moves were rusty
Bought you a 12-pack promised you sushi
Sorry if I wasn't straight out of a movie

We never were
We'll never be

Strangers kissing in the pouring rain
Chasing after your leaving train
But we know that's not how our song goes

Your'e a waitress in a cocktail bar
And I'll save you cause I'm a big rock star
But we know that's not how our song goes

Be kind when you rewind the story of the two of us
Sometimes you wish we were a little more mysterious
When you look at me with your cinematic eyes
I wanna play the part but I'm messing up the lines

We never were
We'll never be

Strangers kissing in the pouring rain
Chasing after your leaving train
But we know that's not how our song goes

Your'e a waitress in a cocktail bar
And I'll save you cause I'm a big rock star
But we know that's not how our song goes

It goes like this
It goes like this

I think overall it was a success.

So yeah last night/this morning was the all-night skate.
I'm going to evaluate it by making a list of things that could have made it go wrong and seeing if those happened. If it happened there will be a big X instead of a blank line.
___ Someone got really hurt
___ Someone completely embarrassed him or herself
___ A whole bunch of drama happened
___ People cried
___ It was pointless
___ It wasn't fun
___ It just sucked

So none of that happened so I say it was a success.

My favorite part? I have two actually. One was laser tag. Not because our team won. I think our score was actually 4 to 54 and my team had the four. I don't really care though that no one I was playing with knew how to aim or actually play. I just had fun running around like crazy shooting people. I don't think I actually got anyone but it was a whole lot of fun. I was exhausted afterwards because I kept running around even if I was already shot. I would attack people who were hiding behind the barrier and you know it was just a lot of fun. Second was just sitting at the table with Abby and Josh. I was overtired so I was completely out of it and I probably didn't make much sense or contribute in a good way to the conversation but it was nice. Because you don't get to do that in school. You can just sit down and talk because you always feel like you have something else you should be doing, or you actually do. Or you never get the chance because you don't have class with them or whatever. At the same time that was nice though it was kind of awkward. Josh and I didn't look at each other when we were speaking to each other which Abby called us out on. But at least we were talking to each other jeez. (:

So I guess now I have to talk about my nonexistent relationship status? Well I guess technically it exists, it just hasn't changed my whole life. Hahaha. Good thing I can laugh at that now because when I'm 40 and never been kissed I won't be laughing. Actually when I'm 40 I am going to have a husband and children thank you very much. But anyways. I'm not sure that much changed. But I need to say more than that because I know you are wondering more Abby because I wouldn't say anything at the all night skate. Yes I am glad that Josh sat next to me and all but you missed that whole exchange. Mike was the one who told Josh to sit there. I moved over and all and I think Mike was going to sit on the opposite side and Josh started sitting at a different table and Mike told him to sit there. And then he sat there for the rest of the night whether I was sitting next to him or not. I think Josh is really nice. End of sentence, I'm not adding a "but" to that last sentence. I'm not dying to go out with him either. Because it is still really awkward. As our table decided to have to know someone before you can date them.

Yeah why the heck was the majority of the subject matter about Mike's love life? This is an allnight skate, meaning it is too late to be thinking about deep and sad and troubling subject matters. So that is why I stayed quiet during most of that. That and I have no experience to contribute. I could have contributed my opinions but my opinions were mostly already said by Abby and Josh. So I just ate my skittles and tried to stay awake. Cool.

At the end of the night I would have sat with you guys again but I didn't want to leave Katelyn. All of her other friends had fallen asleep and if I had left her at that table my herself she never would have forgiven me. And I don't think she would have appreciated it if I told her to slid into a booth with two other people. But I found it funny when I was sitting with Katelyn at the next table over I heard Mike say "Who was that girl that was sitting with us before?" Hahahaha. Mike was telling all about his love life with me sitting right there and he didn't even know my name. He filled up my water bottle for me and he didn't even know my name. That made me actually laugh out loud. But then I heard Josh say "Molly" so now Mike knows. And then Abby brought up the whole thing there Josh and I don't look at each other and I started talking to her but I didn't turn around. Then I heard Josh say "Hi Molly" and I said "Hi Josh" without turning around thinking that we were making the point to Abby that you can talk to someone without looking at them. But now I was thinking maybe he turned around to make the point that we could talk to each other looking at each other but I do not know.

It was nice though overall. I am glad that I know how to skate because I saw some people struggling with that. Like Jonny Forance who is good at EVERYTHING. And Lauren Larison is just amazing at skating. And Dimitri looks cute when he is sleeping on one of the benches.

And I am proud of myself that I stayed awake all night. And then around 4ish in the morning Katelyn and I were walking around the rink because all of her friends had fallen asleep and we still had that problem that we all didn't fit at one table. Anyways. So we were walking around and I was dancing and all the half-sleep people saw me rocking out yo. I am sure I looked completely ridiculous but hey that's fine. I didn't feel like falling asleep at all so I just jammed out. I think only Dan, Justin, Katelyn, Abby, Colin, Josh, Mike, and me didn't fall asleep or try to fall asleep. There could have been other people who were just sitting there for the majority of the time and didn't go to sleep or try to. But who knows.

But hey now I know I can stay up for 24 hours. Then sleep for 9. Yeah I slept until 3. But Katelyn slept until 5 and now she may not be going to school tomorrow. That's okay.

You know how I said I didn't want Katelyn to go? Well now I am glad she did because I had someone to skate around with and walk around with. That why I had two people. I could either go with Abby but when Abby was with other people then I went with Katelyn. The only time I wished she wasn't there or would fall asleep was at the end when I wanted to sit at the other table but didn't want to leave her. But the goodness of her being there outweighs the badness or whatever.

I think I have covered everything. Just kidding. I guess I should mention Adam. Poor Adam didn't know how to skate which sort of ruins part of the night. I felt bad for everyone who didn't know how to skate because then what are you supposed to do all night? But even more awkward than talking to Josh would have been talking to Adam since I haven't talked to him in so long. Hey I guess I could consider him a "summer love" because I only really talked to him during the summer and then school started and I didn't. But you have to used that term very broadly because when I say "talked to him" I mean I had about two good conversations and that's it.

But I think we should do that again. Go skating and play laser tag. Or go see a movie and then go play laser tag. Some day when no one is at the mall. And when I say "we" I guess who that include could be debatable but mainly I mean me, Abby, Colin, and Josh, to come right out and say it. But if we want to include Katelyn or Mollie or Nicole or Mike or other people that's cool with me too because otherwise it might end up being awkward and we wouldn't have enough people to play laser tag.

Now I'm hungry. I had some pizza around 3:30 and now its 5:36. That's around dinner time right? I don't know what the rest of my family is eating for dinner cause they are painting pottery currently and will probably get home between 7 and 8 if I had to guess. They are meticulous painters.

And why the heck is it dark out? It's not even 6 and it is pitch black out.

So let me wrap this up by saying that right now I should be writing a letter for a soldier or reading history and I am glad I went to all-night skate. If nothing else I had fun. If more than that I was able to get to know Josh more. If more than that it was freaking awesome.

Abby I hope you are having fun working. I think we shall talk about this at lunch tomorrow, yes?

before the all night skate i just wanted to tell you this story.

so i watch this girl on youtube vlog and her name is Cassandra and her channel is nerdzRL and anyways. the radio station she was listening to asked people to call and talk to them about the weirdest place that they met their boy/girlfriend.

so Cassandra called. and i had known that she had this boyfriend because he was in her vlogs and i knew the place but i didn't know the whole story so here it is.

Cassandra goes to EB Games and she is either buying a game for applying for a job (I couldn't make out what she said). And there was a cute boy returning a game. And she overheard him saying his phone number. She was trying not to hear it but she got it and she texted this number. She overheard a random cute guy's number and she texted it. And they started dating. This is a true story.

Oh my goodness. so awesome/cool/weird/creepy/but totally awesome.

And now i have to decide if i want to try to sleep or get some makeup on or figure out what i want to bring or do nothing. why do i have to do all this? ALL NIGHT SKATE TONIGHT. SO PUMPED. WOOOO!

edit: quote of the day "Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves." – Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

GUESS WHAT I JUST BOUGHT?

the song "Hey Molly" by Mike Lombardo! I didn't even know it was on itunes! i love DFTBA records. and i told my mother that i wanted Charlie's album "This is Me" for Christmas. the actual CD. and the Sons of Admirals tshirt. so i am so excited for Christmas now.

and now i have to memorize all the words to this song so if i play it for someone i will know the words. it has my name in it yo. so i'm so excited.

i just need to say this.

i am supposed to be asleep right now but i'm back!

i just want to make this clear in case for some strange reason this blog is read by a lot of people.

these people that i'm mentioning, they aren't just random names and some prop that i use in my life. they have their own lives. they have their own worries. they have their own thoughts. they have their own days and families and everything. that doesn't have anything to do with me.

i'm not sure how to explain that better. but i'll say it again. they are real people with their own lives.

i can mention Adam's name but that doesn't mean he only appears when i mention his name. he is out living his life right now. he has homework to do. he has to deal with Mrs. Schott's algebra class. he has to deal with having his sister go to college so now he is on the only child in the house for the first time. he has to deal with his friends and school. that doesn't have anything to do with me. i don't know if i cross his mind or if i'm a worrry of his. i'm probably not. which is fine. perfectly fine. but that doesn't mean he doesn't have a life. he is a person just like you and me.

and that applies to everyone. not just the guys. when i mention a name like Janelle. i only mentioned her because she said something of interest to me. but her life doesn't stop there.

these are real people. they have lives. what you see on the surface isn't even half the story. and what you see in this blog isn't even a quarter of the story.

don't judge people based on what i say. and don't judge me based on what i say. okay, you can probably judge me based on this but don't think this is the whole story.

everyone is so much more than what they seem. even if you think you know a person really well, you don't know everything.

but i really just wanted to get that point across because i think it is important.

oh thought of a better comparison. in a story that an author writes that is completely fictional. they need someone to cough so the teacher doesn't hear the main character's phone go off. they might mention a name of who coughs but then they don't appear for the rest of the book. and you forget about this character. that happens in fictional stories. this isn't fictional. this is my life. every person is real. they have their own lives. they keep going forward. they are people.

i think i covered that one enough. do you think? do you get what i'm saying?

moral of the story: don't read a name in my blog and forget about them. think about their lives. think about their struggles and what they have to deal with each day. think about who they are as a person. think about their personality. wonder what their favorite color is. think about how they get along with their parents. think about what they would say if you talked to think. think of them as people and not as names.

that's the real moral: think of them as people and not as names. because we are more than a name. you are more than a name. and i am more than a name.

i am more than a name.
Molly Ronan is just my name, it isn't who i am.

i think i need to update you all.

OH I JUST REMEMBERED THAT I HAVE A NOVEL TO WRITE. yeah i forgot about it. but i want to write in here so i'm gonna. uh huh uh huh.

now i don't know what to write. figures.

i guess i want to write about the soccer game that i went to with Bella. she asked me why i wanted to go, or which boy i was there for. i didn't tell her at first but eventually i did sort of. well that's because i wasn't exactly there for a boy i just wanted to go and see what it was like. but i did want to see Dimitri because i think he is very nice and all and he's in my history class.

and now it's time for dinner so i will write more in a bit. but when you read this there won't be any pause. i think i'll probably talk more about Dimitri but it feels weird talking about him. i talk about other guys all the time so why am i feeling awkward about this? anyways i'll figure that out after i eat my spaghetti and meatballs.

i'm back. i bet you didn't miss me at all. i want to prove my point that for some reason it is harder to talk about Dimitri. you can't really tell because you can feel what i am feeling and hear what i am thinking in addition to what i write. so here you go. Adam Munska needs to man up yo. he ended up going to trash can to put his tray up and throw away his trash at the same time as me and Abby and he didn't even say hi. sure i was talking to abby but he could have smiled or waved or whatever. but he didn't. then again i didn't either but whatever yo.

okay so keep in mind that ease of that paragraph if you can even see it because i don't really know. but yeah now i don't know where to start. too awkward. ah. going crazy. not really.

but Dimitri has always been on my...scope? that is an awful word. radar? but i always saw him as a nice guy who i would like to get to know or you know. but i didn't really think about him until he was in my APUSH class. and then i was in ceramics class and at the table to my right is Janelle G, Lauren L, Will C, and Justin C, and all they do is talk and gossip and i like to listen in. Will is on the varsity soccer team with Dimitri so they were talking about a previous game. and apparently Dimitri got a yellow card and he felt so bad about it. and he kept apologizing to his coach. and Janelle was saying how he is just such a nice guy and how most people wouldn't even care about the yellow card or whatever. and how after he was helping the guy up who he did something to do deserve a yellow card and was making sure he was okay and whatever. i think actually listening to that conversation made me sort of pay attention to him more. and some days he comes into ceramics because he is an office-aide and it makes me smile to see him and he is just sort of quiet like he doesn't want to intrude or whatever. not really sure how to explain that.

but it comes down to this. i can think what i want to him and i can hand papers back to him everyday in history class but i haven't actually talked to him. ouch. but i can change that, right? will i change that? who knows. looking at past experiences, the answer is no. but like taylor swift says "who you are is not where you've been". but i always miss opportunities. i just don't think of it. like now i can think of at least one time today where i could have said something to him but i didn't because i didn't think of it then. i thought of it now.

and then the other thing it comes down to is he probably never thinks about me at all. he probably doesn't notice me when he comes into ceramics. and when i pass things back to him he is probably just glad he gets the paper. so there you go.

and all of this is the same with a list of other people. and then nothing comes of that so i am like okay whatever so i find someone knew. it's pretty sick of me actually. but maybe one of these days something actually will come of it. or something good will happen that i completely wasn't expecting.

i also want to note that when Steven is nervous he rambles on and on. we had to present our poster today and when he was explaining his part he talked on and on about things that weren't necessary and he repeated himself. i just wished he would realize what he was doing and correct himself. it's like when people go up to speak and i can tell they are nervous then i can't look at them. it just tortures me to see them up there nervous and when their hands shake it is even worse. i use to be like that but i have gotten so much better. like today my hand wasn't shaking at all. i did stumble over what i was saying a few times but that was because i didn't have it planed out and i was just winging it. but hey i'm getting better yo.

i can't think of much else to write other than i have successfully wasted all of my NaNo time. it's sad that i am not motivated to write. i should force myself. that's the NaNo spirit but whatever. i'm really tired too. it must be daylight savings time. which is just weird. it shows you how man-made time is. the actually day and when the sun rises and such doesn't change but we decide that we just want to put all the clocks back an hour. it's just really strange. so on sunday morning it was 2:02am twice. which is just weird.

should i write about something else? nah. i think i am going to eat some cake and maybe read some and then go to sleep. i am too tired. it's 7:14pm but last week at this time it was actually 8:14pm. too weird.

okay something else i want to mention. i don't get how some girls can put on eyeliner and make it look good. if i put it on me it just makes me look weird. and the eyelashes on my left eye always look like crap. they won't look like they are supposed to and they don't match my right eye. my right eye looks beautiful all the time though.

anyways. i need to stop this nonsense.

i didn't even say about the soccer game how i went with Bella and we were loners and we were freezing so when normal time ended 0-0 we just left cause Bella wanted to and we didn't really realize they were going into overtime cause it was the playoffs. and it went into like double overtime and then to penalty kicks. and i missed it. i was very sad. why couldn't bella have worn some warmer clothes? but whateves yo. no one even knows i went because first i sat with the Palmer people and then we sat behind all the bleachers on the little fence thing. cause we're cool.

why do i do this stupid blog?
not going to answer that or else i'll be here for another ten minutes.
it's 7:20 en el noche.

"all you got to do is smile at me and down i go."

yesterday was Maeve's birthday and I didn't post.

happy birthday Maeve!

- insert analyzation of birthdays here -

i'm spending my weekend with Bella. saw a movie last night. doing work today for 4H and her history day project. then we're going to a soccer game. yeah!

she will be here any second so i'm leaving now. peace.

i don't like it when people end things with "peace" it's weird.

you're hot and you're cold.

sometimes i enjoy spending time with Bella. sometimes i don't.

apparently Bella invited herself to go to the play with Maeve. it was my idea for Maeve and I to go to the play tonight in the first place. but Bella invited herself along.

alright.

then we sit where she wants to sit because she doesn't like sitting up close to the stage. i enjoy sitting close so i can clearly see the expression on all of the actors faces. i couldn't do that where we were sitting but we do what bella wants to do.

the rest of the play was fine. during break her and Maeve ran down to a water fountain but that wasn't a big deal. but then after the play we were over waiting for my mom to pick us up. Jayna came over and gave me a hug. and then Maeve, Bella, and Maura ran up to Maeve's locker. so i was talking to Jayna and Mollie. then Abby comes over. then Abby leaves. then Mollie leaves. then Jayna leaves. i'm standing there by myself. and everyone is around me talking to their friends and hanging out. i'm standing there awkwardly. i call Maeve and tell her to get back down here. so i wait. and i wait. and finally they come down and Bella's all like "she's not even here yet why did we have to come down". and that sort of stuff just annoys me so much because all she is thinking about is herself. she doesn't think about me and how i have to stand there awkwardly by myself. it's like what the heck? so then i was annoyed at her for the rest of the ride home. but i'll see her tomorrow at the riding lesson and then i think i am going over her house on sunday. i hope someone will be home to rescue me from her because i can't stand being around her and her mom for too long.

oh and her status was "play w/ maevey in a few..." oh okay bella. glad you appreciate me.

but whatever. i really don't care about bella but it just annoys me. it annoys me more than it should because it's so miniscule.

new subject. i started a new story for NaNo. i couldn't get past 3,605 words out of the 50,000 that i need. maybe it is because i was trying to compare the beginning part too much to Abby's life. so i am starting new. and now i have 2,074 words and i've only worked on it today. so i think i'll be alright if i try to catch up by the end of this weekend. but i don't have any history homework.

and Abby don't worry. this is just a bump in the road in the big scheme of things. right now it seems like a big deal. but don't worry. you'll be fine. i know it. because you are so strong and amazing.

i'm really tired. and i tried beatboxing today but it didn't go that well. i might try again tomorrow. now i think i am going to maybe watch my subscriptions on youtube and maybe write some more of my story if i'm feeling it and then go to bed. and tomorrow i have a riding lesson. and then i want to do absolutely nothing.

and i am proud of myself. i brought home my first pot from ceramics today. and i like it very much. of course everything else i've made has been a lot better. but it is still beautiful. and i am proud that i was able to make something all on my own. i have this object that i made. and it will be around for a long time. and it's different than just painting pottery because i was the one who sculpted the clay and put it together. and then i glazed it. and i saw it go through all the processes. so my recommendation to you: take ceramics class. no matter how much you think you don't need to take it or no matter how much you think you suck at pottery stuff. take it. it is worth it just to have that piece of your own.

i'm going to learn how to beatbox.

do you know how cool that would be?
having a conversation with some guys and then for some reason beatboxing comes up and i'm just all like "yeah i can beatbox" and then i show them up all.
duuuddeeee.
i'm going to do it.
tomorrow.
yes.
tomorrow i will learn how to beatbox.
up in my room.
so no one can hear me.

this is a weird life.

it is, isn't it?

we get so caught up in everything. seriously. who said that we have to go to school? there was no guide written for the humankind of what they had to do. this is just how we evolved. now it is our everything. but there is nothing that is forcing it to be our life. make sense?

so sometimes it sucks. and it's not even our fault. it's not like we wanted to be stuck in the math class with the hardest teacher in the school.

what if life was completely different? what if we didn't care what other people think? what if we didn't wait around for something to happen? what if we all said exactly how we feel? what if our life wasn't obsessed with school because we need to get a good job because we need to get money because we need to buy what we need because that's the way our society is.

whoa.

i want to do a community service project this year. why? because i don't have enough to do. that was sarcasm. but because my mother came up with the idea and i could verify it through 4h. you know what i bet the underlying reason is? it looks good on college application. it all goes back to getting a good education. right? but i was talking about this before with the Boys Hope Girls Hope. but they are too far away to really support them. so i want to find a good cause and do a bunch of stuff for them. well maybe not a bunch but at least a little. i need to watch more Extreme Home Makeover. i need ideas really. i need to find something that i am passionate about.

but our family is sponsoring a soldier. her name is Leslie Peterson. we are going to send her a letter every week and send her care packages. and be her angles. some soldiers have family back home and some don't. we don't know anything about her. we don't even expect her to write back. no matter who she is, what she has done, what she believes, what she looks like, or anything really, we are going to support her. i like that.

so. i'm going to keep on moving forward. i hope you do the same.

so that ain't working.

my brain that is. i can't focus on my story and it's day three. that's not good. i'm still supposed to be excited about it. maybe i rushed into this idea too quick. it was quick. i should have thought it through a bit more. but whatever. i'll finish though. i'm doing nothing this weekend so i can catch up then. but yeah today will be the first day that i'm behind. i'm supposed to be at 5,000 words but instead i'm at 3,604 and i have no motivation to write any more. so i won't.

i had more things to talk about but i'm too tired to. i think i am going to just go to sleep. or watch some youtube videos. youtube videos it is.

Mike Lombardo.

an hour ago i had no idea who this guy was.

now i have watched three videos of his.

one titled "Piano Don't Get Chicks" which made me smile. and i really like it. he wrote it and i watched him perform it live.
the next one was the live version of the song he wrote called "Hey Molly" which really made me smile.
now i am watching the non-live version of "Hey Molly" which is a geeky love song. it is so cute and fabulous. and it makes me smile a lot. ah such a wonderful geeky love song.

so i am not going to be going to bed soon because i am going to be watching the rest of his videos.

songs with the name "Molly" are so wonderful. more people should write them. it would be even more fabulous if they were about me specifically.

what went wrong?

sub in our chemistry class what went wrong in your life? I think you said your name was Mr. Anthony. but what went wrong? you graduated from HRHS in 2006 and had Mr. Cole as a chemistry teacher during those four years. then in 2010 you are subbing for your old chemistry teacher at the same school. so I am guessing you went to college for four years then you came back. you had an 106 in Mr. Cole's chemistry class. most people in his class are failing. so either he changed his class drastically or you were really smart. did you want to become a substitute teacher who gets paid to read Harry Potter while high schools take a test and tell them to quiet down? i wonder what went wrong. or maybe you wanted to do that. who knows.

and i'm doing NaNoWriMo. yes in the month of November I am going to write a 50,000 novel, do all my homework, take an AP class, have two riding lessons a week, participate in horse shows, and do whatever else i want to do. and people say their junior year is hard. i laugh at them.

i'm on track so far. i'm writing about Abby's life. but not really. i'm basing it off her right now but then everything is going to go wrong and then right and then horrible. but you know that is how life goes. at least for people in NaNo stories.

and all night skate is back on. did i ever tell you it was off? well it was but now it's back on. and our VP isn't allowed to go. but i am not going to get into all of that. i'm just glad that i can go now that i know i can stay up until 2 in the morning and then wake up at 5 and function for the rest of the day. wooooo!

i am thinking about going to bed soon. but look at me. i managed to do all my homework (granted i should of done more AP history work), write 1,676 words of a story, go to an academic society meeting, watch all my subscriptions on youtube, eat dinner, have some ice cream, and write a blog. i'm just amazing. or i just don't have a life. either or.