sometimes (okay maybe a lot of the time) i really just don't want to do anything. i have been in my bed all day and it's 1pm now. but like even more than that. i don't want to have to work or deal with people. like i'll just go home and maybe get a stupid job and just live at home for the rest of my life. like i don't have to be big and ambitious and want to do everything. i am happy right now just in my bed.

i really don't want to have to deal with life.

and like i told my roommate Kristian that i would pay for her utility bill and now i am having regrets about that and it is giving me anxiety and freaking me out and i don't know how i am going to pay for it without my other roomies judging me because they just think she wastes her money. and now i wish i never told her i would. plus it's like $50 and i already have to pay my $50 plus $600 for rent so now i'm like what the hell am i doing.

and then i could go to the lake with some people at 4 but then i have to be social and idk if any of my roomies are going so it would be awkward because i am not really close to any of them. and i will most likely just stay home all day. maybe i'll go for a walk. and maybe i'll start to learn chinese but that might freak me out. why the heck am i going to china again? and then on monday i have to meet with more people from the music industry and i don't want to do that either. i don't want to put myself out there.

guys it's times when i am like this that i think i am never going to do anything that i want to. but i guess the first step would be to go take a shower even though i don't even want to do that. blahahahhhh.