PS22 Chorus.

Freaking absolutely amazing. All those kids singing like that. Hearing their solos and they are amaaaazing. So amaazing. I so wish I went to that school when I was in elementary school. Maybe then my music teacher would have taught me how to sing. You know worrying about what note to sing because that is what this elementary school teacher is doing. He has an alto and soprano section. With us she could give us a paper with the lyrics play along and that was it. Good luck making it sound nice. As long as you know the words you are good.

The kids in this chorus is soooooooooooooo amazing. They freaking performance in Radio City Music Hall and Amanda who sang "Respect". They are 70 public elementary school students in 5th grade. Holy crap.

I wish I could sing like them. I wish I could sing well, period.

Go listen to Jarred sing "Waiting on the World to Change" or Ashleigh sing "No One" or Tirzah singing "Just Dance" or "Bleeding Love" or Elijah singing "Breakaway" or Samantha singing "Tattoo" or ALL OF THEM! Seriously. I know what I am doing all weekend.

And I have to say they do an amazing job of "Don't Stop Believing" (Elijah <3) and I don't just say that because I saw Glee sing it live which was ssoosoooooo amazing.

i really need to go to bed but these kids are so amazing. i could listen to them sing all night.

edit: what about Allie singing "Jesus Take the Wheel" or "Chasing Pavements" or April singing "The Climb"? ahhh. sleeeeep.

do you see a theme?

that's what happens when you happen to be a teenage girl with something somewhat biggish that could become big is happening to her. can you make sense of all those versions of "happen"?

anyways it's been a week since Donder died. it's been a week and a day since i said anything to Adam other than "hi" or "no problem"/"sorry" when we had paper passing problems in history. i would always pass them back to him or he would pass them up to me. yeppp. i was too afraid to talk to him then. just send anyone i'm too afraid to talk to to the barn and we will be all set.

and what annoys me a lot is every time he comes online on facebook chat i can't leave my screen until he is offline again. in the off case that he decides to chat me up. he hasn't yet. still hoping. still hoping for that post on my facebook wall too. still hoping he asks for my number. just hoping.

i have a horse show tomorrow. there is a good chance that it will be a good show. we will see how it goes though.

i have to wake up at 5:45am tomorrow. yessssss.

oh by the way mollyisjustmyname.tumblr.com i think i will not be changing that URL for a while. i found one i like.

so tomorrow is another day. then there is another. and another. they are unknown and we can only hope.

goodness. my brain is getting all mushy like the brownie i just ate. time for sleep. or to watch iCarly.

i just made a video that makes me smile every time i watch it.

i'm at home.
i'm bored.
maeve and maura are swimming.
i didn't want to go.
so i didn't.
i have been on the computer all day.
minus this morning.
i tried playing Band Hero but i couldn't find the drum sticks and after one song i was sick of it.
i was going to do something in my room but i took one step in and left.
i was going to put together a music video but i couldn't find the cord for the camera.
i want to do something creative and such but i don't know what.
i should read that AP book but i won't be able to concentrate.
i tried reading an actual good book i couldn't get past the second page.
my eyes are going weird from looking at the computer screen for so long.
i just don't know what to do.
ahhahhhhahrhghahhhhaghreahhh.

today was another good day.

so today is Thursday.
last night i went to bed past midnight because we went to see Inception and it was a good, but long, movie.
i woke up at 8:12am, and yes that is when my alarm went off.
i helped my mom get my horse ready to ride for her to have a lesson on.
i cleaned two stalls.
i helped my mom get flyboy ready to ride.
Emily arrived to clean stalls and Adam didn't come into the barn.
i was going to cut Pride's mane but i couldn't find the scissors.
i went out to the trailer to see if they were in there.
Adam was weeding over on the far side of barn.
i said "hi Adam" and he didn't hear me or see me because he had his ipod in.
i jumped up and down.
he took his headphone out and I said "hi Adam" and he said "hi".
i went to the trailer and found the scissors.
i walked back by and his headphones were still out so i said "they got you weeding now?" and he said "yep" and i said "lots of fun" and he said "oh yeah".
i cut Pride's mane.
i had nothing to do as my mother was riding flyboy so i told her i was going to clean out the trailer.
i walked by Adam, he had his headphones in and i don't know if he even knew i went by.
i cleaned the trailer quickly because it really wasn't that messy.
i had those butterflies as i tried to figure out something to say to him when i went back by.
he was sitting down and talking a break.
i asked something about music. and he said yeah. and we talked for a bit. i said that i was bored and didn't have anything to do. we talked about driving and i told him my epic fail the other day. he asked me about my book and i said it wasn't good and he said he was sure it was. i told him about inception. we said how we aren't big movie people.
he said "well this isn't going to get done itself" and i said "i won't bother you" and i think he said "see ya" and i waved and left.
i helped my mother untack Flyboy.
i walked around doing stuff.
my mother left to get food from Outlook.
i went down below to find Bella and she was coming up.
so we walked up.
Adam was weeding by the door so i said "Adam have you met Bella?" and introduced them.
Bella and I hung out in the tackroom while we waited for my mother to come back.
Adam and Emily came in and wrote down their hours and said bye.
Bella said that he was looking at me when he said "bye guys" and she got all giggly like.
i just smiled and said she was a silly girl.

so that was the second time i have talked to him. it went fairly well. there were some awkward silence like things because we were both just sort of facing each other talking. we weren't doing anything. at least he talked to me and made conversation. he didn't just say "i need to work" and blow me off. and it wasn't a one sided conversation. it's wasn't perfect but you know it was nice. (:

i missed Adam Tuesday morning. i could have woken up early and went over there but i kind of like my sleep. bella was there this morning and in her words "i passed him in the aisle and was kind of checking him out and he said hi." and that was all she said to him. good. i would rather be the only one who has the courage to talk to him. dana probably will but she hasn't been there the same time as him. i haven't either since last Thursday. but tomorrow i think i will be up there early. my mom will be having her lesson so i can talk to him then, right? yeah while i'm cleaning stalls and riding Flyboy for my sister.

i have a tumblr. i am not sure how much i like it. but it's public. Devin M, Lucas F, and Katelyn are all following it. so there is at least three people who read it. the only reason they are following is because i followed them first but still it's like whoa. but chyeah.

i should be doing stuff now.

i want to watch High School Musical now. I never saw the third one. the second one wasn't that good. was there a fourth one too? i don't think so. but i want to watch it. and yes i enjoy corny movies like that. Hannah Montanta movie is another good one. Lucas Till? yes please.

why did this cross my mind at 9:51 on a Monday night during the summer? well i just watched this fabulous video where someone played a Justin Bieber song on the recorder. Interested? click here so then i went and watched all this youtuber's videos. and one of them is of a duet of the song Breaking Free from HSM.

i posted a lot today. not sure why. maybe because today was a boring type of day. we tried doing a music video type of thing but it didn't really work out. because we grew bored of it and didn't want to do it anymore. so maybe i'll go to bed soon or just watch more youtube videos.

first driving "adventure" that could have turned into a mishap.

well i drove from my house down to Intervale farm in my mother's beast of a car all fine and dandy. then i was just going to drive home from Lori and Bella's house. we get to the scary Y intersect and some people in their car slow down by us and it turns out it's Elena and her dad from the babygroup. so they pull over and i put the car in park. and we talk for a bit. then they leave and now i have to turn in this awful intersection. you can't see cars coming from pretty much either side. my dad told me to kind of go around it in case another car is coming. so i try to do that with my mom's car but it goes a little faster than my dad's and i hear Elena's dad say something. greeatttt. i drive perfectly the whole day and they have the see the one mistake. but it's kind of a good thing i did or else there might have been a car crash because a car comes speeding and and is now on my bumper. so my mom tells me to kind of pull over and put my blinkers on. so i do. now i don't know the width of this huge car so i don't know how far over i can go. so i sort of go in a ditch and my mom kind of freaks out and i tell her to calm down. the car speeds by and i get out of the ditch fine and make it home fine. thank you very much. but yeah that was the first time i've driven with my mom and she was holding the little handle she has the whole time. and then right before that happens Elena's dad asks if she has the emergency brake on her side, which she doesn't. way to freak my mom out. but it's probably a good thing she doesn't have it or else she might have put it on right when i was pulling into that intersection and we would have got run over by that car speeding down. so yeah i'm kind of in a bad mood right now. especially since the first time i see Elena in years i'm wearing riding pants and my rubber boots and an old t-shirt. i can dress nicely for the barn but today wasn't one of that. greattttt.

and i'm not sure how much value i should take in Emily's friend request because now she is both Maeve and my mom's friend and Adam is Maeve's friend too. but still there had to be something that spurred her to add the Ronan family on facebook and something that made Adam add Maeve because I doubt Maeve would have requested them herself. anyways. i should do some questions on the stupid AP book. gahhh.

the reason i ride horses through the woods is because i don't like to walk through the woods.

just a picture and a smile for you.

these are comments on a picture of my lovely book.



edit: i would also like to mention (mostly because i can't just post a picture without writing something) that Adam's sister Emily requested me as a friend on facebook today. she has been working at the barn for almost a year now and has not felt the need to add me until now. maybe i was a topic of conversation at one point in their family? that might be hoping for a little too much. now i need to get ready to go to the barn. too late for any Munksas to be there. i'll be at the barn early Friday for a lesson and maybe i'll go early Thursday for my mother's lesson and be nice and clean the stalls for her. ;)

just another day.

and the days move on.

it's hard passing by the pasture where Donder used to go out. but i haven't cried. my mom has cried. Jane has completely bawled. I haven't. does that make me hard, cold? i don't think so. i have cried over death before. but i don't want to talk about that.

bella came back from Florida, i gave her a hug, but there was a bit of awkwardness. she just got back today. i think she was tired and kind of getting used to being back. she didn't have much downtime. she was all over Easthampton and she went to a movie.

apparently Adam cleaned stalls this morning. his name was on the stall list and Dana made me guess who cleaned stall today, and i of course guessed him. Dana didn't see him because she came later after he was done. but it was his name on the list, not Emily's. he probably went over there when i was still in my P.J.s. i had a lazy day. maybe later this week i'll be up there early or i'll just have to wait to see him more when school starts because i doubt he is going to be going up there before school. where does he live actually? let me check facebook. it doesn't say but i am pretty sure it is Southampton because one of his posts says: "Pillaging the town of Southampton with a bunch of friends." So it's not like he can roll out of bed and clean some stalls then head off to school unless he feels like waking up at 3 in the morning everyday. That's out, so after school yeahhh!

Today I rearranged my bedroom. My mother suggested it and Maeve was like "yeahhhh!" but then I ended up doing most of it by myself, my mom just helped me move some of my furniture. I'm not sure how i like it, it will take some getting use to but it's a change.

now i should go to bed but i'll probably stay on the computer for a while longer.

from one extreme to the other.

i wrote this last night: "because that is like admitting that this day is over and that tomorrow isn't going to be nearly as good. but that doesn't really matter. it doesn't matter what tomorrow is going to be like because today was so good."

yeah today was a bad day. very bad. Donder died. Donder is, now was, an amazing school horse. i had lessons on him. i helped get him ready for the campers all week. and now he is just gone. it was so sudden. he was perfect yesterday when we left him. today i went down to the pasture to bring him up and i couldn't find him but then i did behind some bushes down at the bottom. he was just standing there. as i got closer i saw he had huge scratches on the two sides of his face, like there just wasn't any hair there. he was sweaty and shivering. i put his halter on and tried to move him but he wouldn't move. then Carolyn came down and tried to make him move but he wouldn't go and she was really worried. so we called the vet. he was in really bad shape. the vet came and the campers still had their lessons. the girl who rode Donder all week, Annie, rode Mieka, and the girl who rode Mieka rode Murray. Carolyn didn't tell the campers that Donder had to be put down. Donder had coliced, which means his stomach twisted. horses can't throw up so instead they colic.

so today sucked.

but not completely. i had to leave camp for a bit to go watch Maura's show which was a good performance.

and i got my book in the mail. it is an actual book with my name on it. it's legit. the formatting got a little messed up but it's still wonderful.

i brought Donder's bridle up from the tackroom. that was really sad. and i was the first one to find him. it was just sad. it is sad.

when i'm in extreme moods i post a lot.

have you been able to tell? that when i'm in extreme moods i always posts. i'm either extremely mad, upset, happy, indifferent, or tired. there you go. so you can't trust these posts. they are tainted by emotion.

i'm in a good mood again. why? because i have been left alone for the night and i'm thinking about earlier when I was talking to Adam. that beat going bowling. that beat going to the beach. it was a completely unplanned event but it worked out so perfectly. i can't get over how perfectly all the timing worked. you don't get it. things don't work out like that. i would have to work elsewhere or ride, i wouldn't be working in the same exact place as him at the same exact time with the right person. i wouldn't have him wave at me as he left. it makes me so happy. so so so happy.

i lied before. there is a bit of the nervous stuff. i know because i checked my facebook chat and I saw that "Adam" was online and my tummy did that little flipfloppy thing until I realized it wasn't Adam Munska, it was another Adam. i almost just did the same thing again.

but this is what i needed. i'm so happy. i can't wait until next Thursday. if everything can just work out so perfectly like this all the time. and it is good that this was the second time he was there. it is just so good. so happy. ah.

i should be sleeping. but i don't want to go to bed because that is like admitting that this day is over and that tomorrow isn't going to be nearly as good. but that doesn't really matter. it doesn't matter what tomorrow is going to be like because today was so good.

it wasn't like i talked to Adam for the whole day but that just made the rest of the day good. the beach with Dana was nice but i still can't believe how that worked out.

now i'm probably going overboard. but how can i not? if you just think about it. really think about it. gosh. it's like wow.

i hope that Adam is thinking it was a nice conversation at least. he probably isn't going as overboard as i am but still. he did wave to me when i left. that sort of gives me some hope that he liked spending time with me. maybe he will end up coming with Emily to clean stalls more while she is here just to see me. ha. but i can hope.

i need to sleep. hopefully i'll have some good dreams. it's okay if i don't though because today everything worked out like a dream. seriously. it was just so perfect. i can't get over it. at all. and nothing can take that away from me. that makes me smile too. thinking about how it already happened and how no one can change it now. it will forever be a wonderful day.

a year from now i wonder what i will be thinking when i read these posts. i wonder what will have happened. but no matter what happens that can't change the perfectness of today.

i can't get over it. it worked out so well, almost too well. not too well. too well would be include getting a phone number and having him write on a facebook wall. but i am almost glad that those two things didn't happen. everything happened that was supposed to. nothing was rushed. it is just so perfect. ahah. so happy. (:

:D

i just posted that post like two seconds ago and now my family has to ruin my good mood. they were fighting about how now Maura wanted to play right when Daddy was going to get something to eat and how he never wants to play with him and how he wanted to play with them when he first got home but they were painting nails and then Maeve stared in on how hard her day was so then i said something to make them all shut up but it just got Maeve mad. then Maura and my dad went outside for not even a minute and Maura gets stung by a bee. i saw it too from my seat at the table. i think it was a wasp. she ran inside screeching and yelling, not telling my dad what was wrong. she stopped crying now. i'm not listening to what they are saying. maeve came down and now she is back upstairs. now i'm frowning. jeez. i was just about to go get some dinner but i don't want to listen to them. at least now i have my music playing in my ears.

today was a fairytale.

i'm listening to that song on purpose by taylor swift.. because today was a fairytale. or at least it was very good. a very good day. i'm smiling thinking about it. seriously. thanks God. thanks a whole lot.

it started off good when i was helping the campers get ready to ride and I saw Emily's car pull in. i heard her park and i heard one door open and close. i thought "damn it" when i didn't hear another one. then i heard another one. and i smiled. and then i saw Emily and Adam walk into the barn. score! Emily came down a little later to talk to Carolyn and i overheard that Adam was painting fences. that was also very good because that meant that he wouldn't be following his sister around moving from stall to stall. another smile. and it just keeps getting better. normally i would have to stay in the ring while the kids rode but they went on a trail ride. Carolyn was going to make me and Erin walk around but i said that we could clean paddocks. (Maeve got to go on the trail ride) so Carolyn said "sure you can clean the paddock Pride normally is in, Adam is going to be painting the fence". bigger smile. Erin and I went over there. i had already said hi to Adam earlier when i had to get a fly bonnet and he asked how i was doing and i said good as i walked into the tack room.

anyways as we enter the paddock i say something about what we are doing. i ask Erin if she got her schedule for school and what team she was on. i already knew but i asked anyways. we talked about some of her teachers. then i asked Adam if he got his schedule. and we started talking about that and electives and how the school is stupid for not giving people enough credits for the electives they want. and it was easy to talk to him. i wasn't nervous or worried about saying the right thing. i was completely relaxed and just like you know. so i would talk to him and Erin and i introduced them and i would go dump the wheelbarrow. we talked about cars and driving. he has a truck. and i asked him if he had ridden before in Colorado and he said he did once. i asked him what sports he did, and his answer was soccer, basketball, and football. sometimes his sister would come over and once after she left i asked him if she was telling him how to paint a fence. and he said something affirmative. i thought that was a good line. we talked about Karate Kid, or at least i did.

it doesn't really matter what we talked about it is just the fact that it was so perfect the way the timing worked out. if Carolyn had decided to do the trail ride yesterday i wouldn't have been able to talk to him. and if she hadn't had suggested that i cleaned out that paddock i wouldn't have been able to talk to him for an hour. and it worked out that it was Maeve's turn to ride and i am so glad that Maeve wasn't doing that with me because that you would have that whole sister thing going on. instead i could just be with Erin. and it just worked out that he came and painted fences instead of cleaning stalls. it all worked out just so perfectly. so perfectly. thank you God, thank you, thank you.

and it goodness doesn't end there. you know we talked for a while but we didn't talk constantly. we were fine just working. it wasn't awkward at all. sometimes i would just talk to Erin but i think he was listening. or at least i hope he was. but then i had to go do my counseling duties. so i said bye and that i would probably see him later.

then after the horse and stuff was all put away Carolyn told us to go walk around the side of the barn and wash our hands. normally we just go right through the barn but for some reason today she told us to go around. around the side where Adam was painting fences. so as we passed by i told the children to wave at Adam. and they did put they probably thought i was weird. i think it made him smile though and it showed that i wasn't afraid to say hi or talk to him while other people were around.

and then we ate lunch and when we came back he was still there painting fences, now Emily was helping. and i had to run get my riding pants on when they started to load hay and i almost got ran over by Emily in her truck. Adam was walking next to the car and i said something about getting run over that i think made him smile. i'm not sure. but i had to run by and run back to get down to get the horses again. and then when we were coming up the hill he and Emily were just leaving. we are at the top of the hill and he turned around in the car and waved at us, probably mostly me since i was the only one who waved back. but he was the one who waved first. he could have just sat in the car and drove away without even looking at us (cough, me) but he didn't. he turned around, completely turned his head 180 degrees (and his shoulder and such too), and waved. that made me smile a lot too.

and you know if we do become good friends it's not going to be awkward with my family completely because my mom sees him around and she knew that we were working in the same paddock because she came over to give me a wheelbarrow and tell me what i needed to do before she left. and Maeve found out because Erin mentioned something at lunch and i said we were being conversationalists. i like that word. a conversationalist. i think my dad knows too, my mom probably told him, because he asked in the car if I went to Fuller's today and how was it. normally he doesn't ask. i just said good. if he wanted to know about Adam he would of had to come straight out and ask me.

the thing that makes this even better, (i know is it possible?) is that i am not completely like OH MY GOD crush like. i am not freaking out. i am just happy. i haven't been on his facebook page today and i've been home for almost an hour now. and i actually haven't been on his facebook page since i wrote on it last week asking him how his job was going. i'm not going to write on it either until he writes on mine. he definitely can now that i wrote on his. it's fair game. maybe eventually i'll ask for his number or he will ask for mine. i know he has a cellphone because he texted his sister while he was there. i know it was his sister because she came over shortly after and he said "you could have just texted me back". that is something i would do, text my sister who is in the other part of the barn. i have done it before actually. maybe i can ask him what kind of phone he has and lead off from that next time. but yeah i'm not freaking out. i don't have my heart beating madly in my chest and i'm not worried about next time. because you know there is going to be a next time. he is going to be working there almost everyday once school starts. sure it will be different then because it will be school but i'll still be going to the barn after school and i'm sure that is when he will come work. but next Thursday it will just be luck if i am there the same time he is. Emily normally comes early but i don't like coming early but i might have to if my mother has to go to work. she would drop me off then go into the office. anyways.

i don't think there is much more to say about that other than i'm smiling and i've had that song on repeat.

after camp i went to the beach with Dana and that was nice. we just relaxed. it wasn't really a beach it was just a river and a little sand but i had to pay 5 dollars to get in. it was mostly just little kids and their parents. no hot guys. so sad. we talked and we quiet but then sometimes i felt like i had to try to fill the silence. but it was still nice. and i'm glad that Dana wasn't at the barn today. that way i could just talk to Adam without worrying about Dana. but i did mention her and her car.

but today was a fairytale. i am very happy. i think as soon as i see Adam is online i am going to post the status that says "is happy. She had a good day." and see if he gets the hint that it is mostly because of him. now that my playcount of Today Was a Fairytale by Taylor Swift is at 8, i think it is time i go back on shuffle.

OH. i forgot to put my ring and bracelet on today which was weird and i didn't notice until like 5 when i was at the beach. normally i wear them everyday. which is weird. i'm trying not to think about it too much like "today was a good day because i didn't wear my jewelry". i wore my glasses though. i sort of need those to see.

edit: i like the quote of the day.
"Grace was in all her steps, heaven in her eye,
In every gesture dignity and love." – John Milton (1608-1674)

i'm tired. i don't want to go to sleep. i have camp again tomorrow. i'm sick of it. goodness. today was fun but tomorrow. oh wait. tomorrow is thursday. last thursday Adam Munska was at the barn. he hasn't been back since that i know of. his sister has. i'm hoping because that will just make this whole camp thing worth it. please. my summer has been average and the rest isn't looking up. i have like one day every one week or so that looks promising and the rest just aren't exciting. and i still have the stupid summer reading. i just need to get it done so it isn't looming over me. i also need to go to sleep. why am i writing this? do you even care? this is just one part of my life and in a few years i'll forget all about it. all these feelings that seem so important now, they won't be soon. that's frustrating. life is frustrating. can't i just sit here in front of my laptop for as long as i want to? nope. i need to go to sleep. why do we need sleep?

i need to stop this.

tomorrow: Adam, Dana, beach, Thursday.

Adam Munska if you do not come to the barn tomorrow while i am there (9 to 3, that's six hours, equivalent to a school day) I will be very disappointed. there is only so much a sixteen year old girl can take of 3 little kids, her sister, another girl her sister's age, and her riding instructor. i need something, someone. seriously. i'm freaking tired of waiting.

i love watching people do "their thing". like if you are a dancer, i would love to watch you dance. if you are an actor, i would love to see you act. if you are a fisher, i would love to see you fish. if you are a writer, i would love to read something you wrote. if you are an athlete, i would love to see you play/compete/whatever verb you do. if you are a musician, i would love to hear you sing. just to see someone do something that you know they have practiced and worked hard on. just to see them do what they love. and to be able to do it well is even more amazing. because you feel proud of them. you say "wow" and can't help but smile when you watch them. i think everyone has the ability to do that, they just have to find the right thing and the right person to watch them.

examples. when i watch Abby on the stage i can't help but smile. i'm watching this amazing dancers right now on a video and they are having fun and they are so good, they make me smile. thinking of watching a future boyfriend doing whatever, i'm already smiling. it doesn't matter so much what it is, it's just that they do it and they have fun and they have practiced and they are good and it's wonderful. you know what i'm saying? i want to be able to give someone that feeling too. doing what? i guess for me it would be riding. i don't think i have made someone smile while riding a horse that i can think of. or maybe i have but no one has told me. i want someone to watch me and feel extremely proud of me, even if they hadn't seen me ride for countless hours over the years before that had prepared me for that moment. excluding family members.

why am i talking about this now? because i was watching these amazing dancers. i would love to be able to dance like that. but then i also say that i would love to be able to play soccer really well, or play the drums really well, or sing really well. but i know i can do everything. so i want to watch other people and smile. and more than that when i think of people that i know and love, i want to be able to support them with what they love. that's why i always try to make it to Abby's improv show and the plays, even if she is just in crew. that's why i am skipping the horse show at the end of the week to go see Maura perform, but that is different because she is family. i guess this is also me wanting to have some guy, some boyfriend, that i can go out and support and to see him do what he loves. that's kind of important to me. maybe some people can have a boyfriend, or even anyone really, that doesn't have...i don't know what you would call it, a hobby?, a passion? let's go with passion...maybe someone can have a boyfriend that doesn't have a passion but i don't know if i can. HA. i haven't even had one so i shouldn't be saying anything. really it's just a dream of being able to watch him do what he loves and to be able to have that feeling inside of me. that's only one part though. i want to be able to talk to him and feel on the of the world. but now i'm getting off topic.

do what you love. love what you do. and let me watch you do what you love and love what you do.

i'm not a regular teenager.

i didn't want to go driving. my mom and dad pretty much had to force me to go out. it was fine. everything went well. but i was scared. my legs are sore because they were so tense. i hope that as i do it more everything will work out. i'm sure it will but i just have to drive more. ahh. i can't go to sleep now. so i'm watching a show on hulu. yay. camp tomorrow then bowling! bowling got switched from thursday to wednesday and now i'm going to the beach on thursday instead. yippeee!

two posts in one day? whatt?

this one is about songs because you know that show Pretty Little Liars. it's pretty awesome. really awesome. and they have awesome music. so the lyrics to three of them. these three are kind of my favorites but i listen to all of them all the time. i bought them what one day ago? two? and i've already listened to all of them three to five times. it's pretty awesome.

also i don't think i have ever mentioned the book Shiver and it's sequel Linger. AMAZING. i love these books. the new Twilight except they don't have a million people reading/talking/dissing them. so read them. so good. so so so good. i bought Linger the day it came out. a bit of a coincident there but i still did. anyways the song lyrics. listen to them too.

Suggestions by Orelia Has Orchestra

It just takes a second for my world to come crumbling down
Oh i'm sure in the distance you can hear that awful sound
Oh i plead for an answer, plead for an answer from you
But if you give me an answer, that just makes no sense then whats the use
And just like that my life is broken
I can barely breathe
and now i'm opened for suggestions
At the end of the day lifes a lesson


So why cant he see it form my point of view
And how many seconds in the houurs of a day did we lose
Was it me or his feelings, me or his feelings that day
Cause i just stood there in silence watched while my world blew away
And just like that my life is broken
I can barely breathe
and now i'm opened for suggestions
At the end of the day lifes a lesson
My lifes a lesson

Hollow, Hollow
Feelings in the air that i breathe that come over me
Now i'm open
Oh yes i'm open
For suggestions
Lifes a lesson
Now i'm free cause lifes a lesson

Oh why cant i see it from his point of view
And how many seconds in the hours will i make him lose
Oh he said it was him or the answer,it was him or the answer that day
Well i cant keep shouting answer, so what was the use anyway.


What You Wanted Me To Do - S.O.Stereo


I got enough bad habits, enough loose strings
Now my hands are tied amongst a number of things
And you, then there's you

And I don't have to look for trouble when it's following me
Despite my vision only you I see
It's you, yeah there was always you.

So don't say it's over 'till it's over
A love song and nothing else to show for
Blaming me the weight that's on your shoulder love,

So whatcha waiting for you wanted me to do
I wrote a love song, a love song for you
Cause you don't have it right

And she said love don't shine and doubt you've chosen mine
And if it wasn't your fault it surely wasn't mine
I said all the right things at all the wrong times
And if you want to keep your heart
Then give me mine

I got enough old bones, enough of these tones
And if it's all the same to you I won't be moving alone
It's you, oh you

And as the bullet left the gun you were falling asleep
You were telling every woman they don't know what it means
To you, I miss the wonder truth

So don't say it's over 'till it's over
A love song and nothing else to show for
Blaming me the weight that's on your shoulder love,

So whatcha waiting for you wanted me to do
I wrote a love song, a love song for you
Cause you don't have it right

And she said love don't shine and doubt you've chosen mine
And if it wasn't your fault it surely wasn't mine
I said all the right things at all the wrong times
And if you want to keep your heart
Then give me mine
Give me mine

So whatcha waiting for you wanted me to do
I wrote a love song, a love song for you
Cause you don't have it right

So whatcha waiting for you wanted me to do
I wrote a love song, a love song for you
Cause you don't have it right

And she said love don't shine and doubt you've chosen mine
And if it wasn't your fault it surely wasn't mine
I said all the right things at all the wrong times
And if you want to keep your heart
Then give me mine

Thieves and Their Hands - Rachael Cantu

Uh-oh, uh-oh
Here comes tomorrow
Uh-oh, uh-oh
What will we borrow now?
I'll pay you back somehow
Ooh-oh ooh-oh oh oh

'Cause this is the pilgrim's progress
And there ain't no time to rest
So get up out of your bed
Ooh-oh ooh-oh oh oh

Shake off all in your head
Shake off all in your head
Whoa-oh-oh

'Cause we've got things that we've got to do
You've got people counting on you
Counting on you

Uh-oh, uh-oh
Here comes tomorrow
Uh-oh, uh-oh
Bury this sorrow down
And move on somehow
Ooh-oh ooh-oh oh oh

'Cause these are the bills that we're paying
Collect your dimes and keep saying
Whoa-oh-oh
Ooh-oh ooh-oh oh oh

They come from all over the land
Collecting the thieves and their hands
Whoa-oh-oh

'Cause we've got things that we've got to do
You've got people counting on you
Counting on you

In the middle of the night
You open up your eyes
'Cause you've things to do
So you ought to up and rise

In the middle of the night
You open up your eyes
'Cause you've things to do
So you ought to up and rise

Yeah, you ought to up and rise

'Cause we've got things that we've got to do
You've got people counting on you
Counting on you

'Cause we've got things that we've got to do
You've got people counting on you
Counting on you


And "she wore that dress like it was a Saturday, pretty as a summer rose" (<3<3<3<3 that song. let me include these lyrics too) and "don't go thinking you're cool"

Jack and Jill - Katie Herzig

She wore that dress like it was a Saturday
Pretty as a summer rose picked in the morning
And he held her hand like it was a mystery
One he couldn�t quite believe
Just walking with him
They were high up on a hill
Something to say, and daylight to kill
Time slipped away, the way that it will

Around and around
Dancing �round the question
Flip a coin and watch it go down
Into the wishing will
Two steps unset there goes another day,
Another chance to give away the secrets
To keep to themselves.

They were high up on a hill
Something to say, daylight to kill.
Time slipped away, the way that it will.

Darkness falls without a sound
They come tumbling down,
Tumbling after, tumbling after

She wore that dress like it was a Saturday
Pretty as a summer rose picked in the morning
And he held her hand like it was a mystery
One he couldn�t quite believe
Just walking with him
They were high up on a hill
Something to say, and daylight to kill
Time ticked away, the way that it will

now it's time for bed. night.

i found the stupid show program! or my mom did. it was in the trailer. yep. anyways here you go.

Entry # Name Horse County Division DOB (that means Date of Birth)
143. Amber Edmonds. What a Dream Ace. Middlesex. Western Jr. 7/25/98.
144. Brian Edmonds. What A Foxy Blonde. Middlesex. Western Sr. 3/27/94.
145. Kyle Edmonds. Doca Dolly Dude. Middlesex. Western Jr 2/25/96
236. Cody Randall. Zippos Vista Doll. Franklin. Western Sr. 1/26/95
237. Michaela Randall. Golden Opposition. Franklin. Western Sr. 1/26/95

i could have sworn Kyle and Amber were twins. apparently not. unless it was a typo. but i included Cody's sister because apparently he has a twin i didn't know about. i don't even know what she looks like. anyways there is proof and the correct spelling of Edmonds. and yep Brian's birthday is a good one. i'm still hoping the Edmonds move to hampshire county so they go to HRHS for school. you bet the first day of school i will be looking for him.

i don't have much else to report on. my summer is being tainted by the stupid AP work. but this week should be a good one. i am a counselor for the little kids horse camp. that within itself is okay. it would be better if Dana was the counselor instead of Erin but Dana will be there working almost everyday. and hopefully Adam Munska will be working there almost everyday. i will be there for almost the entire day so there is no way he can come and not see me. and then Wednesday after all the barn stuff i am hopefully going to Leeds Beach with Dana. we can just lay out in the sun and talk and scope out boys. sounds good. and then Thursday i believe i may be going bowling with some people. i just really hope Abby comes or else it will be sort of awkward. and maybe i will do something else with Abby this week. this week holds promise.

i'm writing another novel. yeah i'm weird like that. but i like this novel. i am going to go write some more of it and maybe watch Karate Kid 3. yep, there is a third. why wouldn't there be? everyone loves Danielson and Mr. Miygai. and i would just like to let you know that on IMDB the 1984 Karate Kid is rated higher than the 2010 version. yeahhhhhh.

summer is equal to...

staring at a computer screen
listening to my parents argue
listening to music
pretending that i have a life
procrastinating on summer work
writing a novel that probably is a waste of my time
wishing for a better summer every 11:11
staring at the stack of books i would be reading if i didn't have to read a stupid book for AP history
ignoring the tension in the house
letting my mood be controlled by everyone else's moods
nothing
feeling like i should do something else
wishing i had someone i could just call up and go over their house right now without a problem and feel at home in their house with no awkwardness
wishing i had a guy to fall in love with and for him to fall in love with me
bored
not leaving the house all day
buying seventeen songs on itunes and listening to them nonstop
catching up on tv shows
feeling sorry for myself
telling myself to cut it out because i am extremely extremely extremely lucky
wishing
hoping
thinking
wondering
sighing
yawning
wondering what else she could be doing with her time
stupid blog posts

ahhah.ah.ahhahh.

I just drove the car home. It was pretty darn scary. I drove around in the school parking lot for a while and a car came past me, some yahoo speeding along but luckily I was on the right side of the road. Then we started going home and once we were up the big deal my dad pulled over and had me drive the rest of the ride home. I survived. We only passed a car once and I didn't run into it. And no cars came up behind me and we survived. Goodness.

My dad wants me to get my own car so when I crash I won't crash his car. Plus it is hard to see the whole road in his car. I was going to get a wonderful yellow 2008 hyundai accent but it is a stick shift so yeah no. it's hard enough to drive an automatic car. but i really liked that car. now i really want a yellow car. why doesn't anyone have a yellow car?

my right arm hurts from all this driving. i need to watch some tv and relax. i'm so tired.

five guys.

i can't remember what i talked about in my last blog post. it's summer you know? but this blog post i'll talk about at least five different guys.

what do these five guys have in common? well i was somewhat attracted to them in some way. most likely by their looks and what i have seen/inferred about their personality. so now i shall go through each of them.

the first one i saw was on Wednesday night. we were checking out at Walmart and there was a mother and his son checking out behind us. this guy was wearing what looked like a basketball shirt but I guess it could have been another sport shirt but it looked like basketball. anyways it was for Hatfield. probably whatever the Hatfield public school is. he is number 24. i just thought he was cute. that's all with him.

the next i saw Thursday on our way to the show with the horse trailer in downtown northampton. he was riding his bike down the street and we passed by him with our big horse trailer. he was cute.

i think i need to take a break to define the word cute. it has recently come to my attention that guys/boys don't like the use of the word "cute" or they don't understand it. cute is a good thing. a very good thing. i don't use the word "hot" a lot because it sort of infers that all they have going for them is looks and they don't have good personalities. i like the cute boys a lot better. and it's not cute like little puppy and kitten cute. it's a much better cute. there you go. cute is a good thing.

back to the five guys. number three. when we first got to the show there was a guy unloading stuff from another trailer. i was eyeing him up. i'm not sure if he noticed or not but i didn't see him after that first day. or maybe i did but i just didn't realize it.

now i'm going to mention the last two together but i'll talk about one a lot more. they both showed this weekend on their horses. major props just for that. for some reason at this level it is mostly girls who ride. it's rare to find a guy who rides and sticks with it. most will quit. and to show? that's pretty amazing. really amazing. yeah. amazing.

i don't have a stupid program so i don't have their names in front of me. let me ask my mother if we happen to have one in the car. she said possibly. not enough of a positive reaction for me to get off of my seat on the couch and look in the car. i kind of really want that show program though. i might actually get up. yeah because now it's dinner so before dinner i'll go look in the car then i will continue afterwards.

i just looked through the car and had dinner. it wasn't in there. i'm mad. i want that program really badly. i'm frustrated now. very frustrated. because now i'll spell their names wrong and i can't remember one of their names. gah. i am thinking his name is Cody? but I can't remember last name. I can tell you his number is 236. if i had that program i could look it up. he is cute but he lost some of his appeal when he was off his horse and Taylor Cranston was saying how hot he is. the other guy though was not mentioned by Taylor, his name is Brian Edmond. god I don't know if that is how you spell his last name. his number is 144. number 144.

i knew his younger brother and sister already. they are twins, Kyle and Amber? (again if i had that stupid program i could check). wait. is it Kyle? i'm having doubts. i really really really really really wish i had that program. majorly. i wish i had paid more attention this morning and made sure one made it into the car because we could have easily left without one or one could be in the trailer. now this blog is turning into a hate fest on how i can't find the stupid program.

anyways i think Brian Edmond/Edmund/Edmand is cute. not the kind of guy i normally think is cute. he isn't stereotypically good looking. he is like a farm boy. he is big and strong. his barn was two down from mine but his trailer was parked on the other side of mine so i would often see him traveling back and forth but i would always be too or too early. i would see him but he wouldn't see me. every time i would leave the camper or barn i would look for him. i made sure i watched Western Senior A classes so i could see him ride.

he isn't the most amazing rider in the world but he is good. his horse had trouble with one of the leads though so he only placed once in three classes and then it was a low place. but that makes it sort of better because he isn't this downright amazing rider who wins everything. i don't like people who win everything (like Maeve and I guess sometimes me but you know) because ATTENTION THIS IS ACTUALLY SOMETHING DEEP AND IT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE A LIFE LONG LESSON AND IT'S NOT ABOUT BOYS LIKE THE REST OF THIS POST IS! to really win a blue ribbon you have to know what it is like to lose. to come in dead last. to have your horse act up on you and not behave how you want. to have your whole day go wrong. and to have to deal with it. when you truly know what that feels like it and you can accept it then you can win a blue ribbon. then you will really truly value that blue ribbon. up until this weekend i didn't know the real meaning of a blue ribbon. i am glad i do now. not too many people in that 4H world really appreciate that first place or a champion.

anyways back to Brian. now this guy could easily be a completely jerk or stuckup or a little baby or someone i would hate hanging around with. i have absolutely no idea. he could also be completely sweet or down to earth or mature or someone i would love to hang around with. again i have absolutely no idea.

i only heard him actually talk once really. he was in the ring, at the beginning of his class, and i was watching in the bleachers. a couple of rows down were some people he knew because they started talking. he told one of them he was going to come over for coffee in the morning and apparently he hadn't gone that morning because it was too hot for hot coffee but the older ladies who he was talking to disagreed. they said it was never too hot for a hot coffee. but just the way he talked. he was confident and relaxed even though he was about to go into this class.

another time i saw him was went i was warming up in the warm up ring. this was the first time i had ridden Pride all weekend. the day before i didn't want to ride him at all because i was too nervous. so i was a bit you know. i had just finished in one direction and he was walking behind me. i walked towards where my mother was standing and i told her and she asked if she wanted to tell everyone to change directions and I said "would ya?" and she did. and we both changed directions. i don't know if he smiled or if he was annoyed. he left soon after without even warming up. maybe he knows his horse that well or it was just too soon before his class.

i passed by him a lot and such. i saw him talking to the judge later, i think they already knew each other. i don't think he ever noticed me though. i could have said something of course but i didn't know what to say. i guess if i had thought of it i could have planned a conversation opener but i thought of that Sunday morning and by then i was too exhausted to care. even though Sunday i still strategically planned by exit from the barn to look for him.

you might be telling me to get over myself and to stop following around boys like a little puppy dog. (Cute Puppy Girl Follows Boy She Calls Cute). but it's not like that. it sort of gave me something to do, look forward to, or else regionals would have been a complete drag. honestly. it gave me something to look out for during those walks from the bathroom, to the barn, to the camper, and back again. it gave me something to think and fantasize about. maybe it doesn't make sense to guys but i'm a girl. maybe it doesn't make sense to girls but i'm me.

Saturday i was walking with Maura and we walked by him sitting with a bunch of people. they were laughing and talking. see he has friends. or maybe he was the outsider of that group. i have no idea. i probably never will but that's that.

i'm watching Karate Kid 2 now. so i'm a bit distracted now. but i will continue onwards. it's 7:04pm now.

so you may wonder...i started that sentenced that i got distracted by the most wonderful scene ever. this is the best movie ever. we just started it.

Maeve is scoping herself some ice cream now so i have time for a second. it's 7:39pm. anyways most guys my age at a horse show are either there before of their girlfriend or have a sister in the show. so pretty much there aren't any. if a guy wants to find himself a girl i would recommend a horse show. but that's kind of weird to say. so don't do that.

anyways i'm not sure what else to say. oh. i forgot to say when I first took an interest in Brian (hahaha. that sounds so funny) i thought he was like a senior and next year he would be going to college and i would never see him again. it turned out that wonderful show program i can't find has a big list of all the competitors. this big list is in numerical order so when you go down to number 144 it will have the correct spelling of Brian's name along with his horse's name: What a Foxy Blonde. He has such a beautiful horse. a palomino with a beautiful coat and beautiful white mane and tail. absolutely gorgeous horses. and I love her name. I wonder what they call her around the barn but I love her show name. anyways after his horse's name is his division, Western Senior, and then guess what is next? his birthday. i just looked at the year first and guess what year he was born in. 1994. yes the same year as me. now guess what day of the month he was born on. the 27th. yes the same day of the month as me. now guess what month he was born in. April. nope not the same month as me. in that wonderful show program it said 4/27/94. of course now i am second guessing myself. maybe it was actually 3/27/94. but i'm pretty sure it was April. but anyways that means he would be in my grade. that would mean if he lived in the five towns that goes to HRHS he could be in my class. but he lives in Middlesex County (yes that is Middlesex, you get over it pretty quickly). he doesn't come to the horse shows i go to. maybe i should take a trip up to Middlesex. probably not.

his brother, Kyle, i think is pretty cute too but he is too young. he would be good for Maeve. he is an amazing gymkhana rider. gymkhana is all about speed. you have to do something as quick as possible. some of those horses rip down that ring. he rips the fastest. really. he is so good. i would have loved to see him compete this year. but i overheard when we were both waiting for our food at the food booth that he left Saturday night for some reason and because of that he couldn't compete the next day. then later when i was loading up the trailer and they were announcing the winners for some of the gymkhana events and he asked a lady "do you think i would have beat them?" and she replied "without a doubt".

i had heard of Kyle and his sister before but i didn't know that they had an older brother. now i have something to look forward to next regionals. maybe then we will have some ribbons to show off even though ribbons aren't important or anything.

now i need to get back to the movie. Danielson is about to break through six sheets of ice, Mr. Miyagi bet $600 on it. it's intense. and he did it! whoohooo! i told you this movie is absolutely amazing.

i think that is all i have to talk about now. OH! i forgot the Edmonds/Edmands/Enmends/Edmunds's amazing three wheeled bike. honestly it is so awesome. i was debating steeling it. that would have made a good conversation when they find their bike in my barn. but you know. 4H is like high school, you don't go out of your way to talk to someone new. you stick with your friends. everyone wants you to stay with the people you already know too. mixing is not good. or at least that is what it feels like to me.

alright this blog has been going on way too long. i talked about my five guys. i could have talked about another one, Chris Koch, and how i missed out seeing him and the rest of the baby group because i was at the horse show. i was about to head over there but Avery called me and said that they were leaving around 2, they knew i wasn't going to get there until after 2. well that is because they had it at Puffer's Pond and that place is kind of boring and they had been there since 10 in the morning. i can't blame them for wanting to leave. but it was kind of sad seeing the pictures without me in them. and plus Chris had to leave early anyways so i wouldn't have saw him. instead i wrote this blog and now i'm watching the second Karate Kid.

isn't it strange how i spent all weekend thinking about this guy, Brian, but in a week i probably won't think about him at all. i don't really like that. maybe that is part of the reason why i like this blog and i like the idea of it getting published. so that way one day Brian will look at this and say "Wow. Remember when I was 16? There was this girl who thought I was cute and spent all weekend looking for me wherever she went. If I had known that, my life would have been so much better." Well I added in that last part. But still. just knowing that maybe one day Brian and everyone else will read this and know what i think. Like a big "ha, my life and thoughts didn't matter much then but look at them now, everyone's reading them". well maybe. that would be cool if that really happened.

now i really need to watch The Karate Kid 2, it's getting even more intense. Mr. Miyagi is going to fight is old buddy, new rival. well i guess they have been "rivals" for 45 years but before that they were buddies. but it's a fight until the death type of fight. so so so intense. you need to watch this movie. the beginning is the best though. hopefully Mr. Miyagi doesn't die. well it was made in the 80s so probably no one will die. now i need to watch it. i am saying it is a wonderful movie but my family isn't believing me because i am typing this. they probably won't remember they even said anything like that when they read this. but the words "that's why she is watching it so intently" were spoken sarcastically.

now i really need to stop. this is getting a little out of control. i guess it was because i haven't posted in a while. now i leave. it's 8:32. maybe i will find one of those programs eventually.

edit: just so you know without these words this post is 2815 words without this words. I started the post at 4:51pm and it's 8:37pm. almost 4 hours. but i didn't write consistently for those 4 hours. i can write that much in a little over an hour.

now there is a huge storm in the Karate Kid. they just saved the buddy/enemy and now Daniel is saving a girl and this other guy is saying he cannot help Daniel. Daniel is going to rescue the girl though, i can tell. even though it looks like they are going to die now. i have to go. too intense. 2924.

today I learned that the original Karate Kid is better than the new one and how to drive. or at least start to learn how to drive.