of classes for sophomore year. i still have finals but i never will walk through those hallways on my way to a class a sophomore. i will never eat lunch as a sophomore again. i will never be a sophomore. lie. i'll still be a sophomore until wednesday when finals are over.
i want to do a few things in this blog. one: regrets. not for myself, just more so people are aware i guess, hopefully for the future because Abby pretty much already knows. just in case this blog does make it. two: revisit old blogs back when ninth grade ended or when 10th grade started. three: celeeebrrratteee!
now babysitting. it is 3:11pm now. i will return soon.
it's 5:11 and i'm back. i should be studying for my spanish final tomorrow but i'll leave that later tonight. can you tell i'm not worried about finals? okay so let's move on to my regrets.
my biggest one is not talking to more people. meeting new people. making new friends. sure this is high school but who says you can't do that now? i already sort of mentioned this in a previous blog when i made the resolution to talk to more people next year. but i'm going to be more specific now. like list the people that i think i could have actually been friends with had i opened my mouth. i'm not talking about "crushes" (while some of them could have turned into crushes/already were) but these are people i truly believe i could have been friends with had i made an effort. i didn't though. darn it. but here you go. wait do you want a reason too? of course you do. this blog is famous for including juicy details (what?).
Dan J. Or Daniel but no one calls him that. Yeah. I had the same art class as him. Ouch. I had to use "had" I'm use to saying "have art class" that is so so sad. but anyways back to Dan because this is his 15 seconds of fame. unless next year...but this isn't next year. this is my regrets for this year because i do have regrets even though you aren't supposed to have regrets. but seriously back on topic. i heard him talk to Mr. Smith and some of the other kids in the class and he just seemed like a genuinely good kid. but that sounds corny. he seemed really nice. i probably could have gone up and struck up a conversation any time and it would have been fabulous but i didn't. shucks. why not? because i'm a coward. that's the simple explanation and probably the most accurate. anyways. i guess i should move on. WAIT. today i was passing him in the hallway and we did that whole thing when you meet someone's eyes and i am pretty sure he smiled a bit but then we moved on. but it sucked when i saw him talking to Rachel or asking for the junior (soon to be senior) Sam's number. it really did suck because that could have been me.
Scott L. This goes along with Dan because he also was in my gym class. I don't regret talking to me as much as Dan since Scott is a year younger than me. Why does age/grade mean so much in high school? It doesn't when you get older. James Madison was around 17 years older than Dolley Madison. anyways. just another note.
Emily L & Jess Nardi. I just grouped those two together but they are just two very nice girls who I would have loved to talk to. I did say a comment here or there but that was it. Just some people you know.
Adam M. Another one of those nice guys I probably could have talked to at any time but I never did. He sat behind me in history for basically forever and I never said anything. My fault.
And a bunch of other people but I am getting sick of listing people. Those are your main people up there. If you are wondering why you aren't at that list, don't worry you probably should be. I probably would have loved to talk to you this year.
This year kind of sucked. It was easy academically but socially it was boring. Yep. Boring equals sucky. I should be thankful that nothing horrible happened and I am but you always just hope for more. Enough regrets. Let me just mention that my overall regret was that i wish i had spoken more altogether. It's hard to do though when you have been quiet for such a long time.
Now I want to go and read old posts. That is fun.
So here is what you need to know from June 2009. On Friday, June 5, I said "i'm done." Then on June 17th. Wow. Exactly a year ago. Not a coincident. On purpose. First post at 2:46pm I had a nice big rant about who I am compared to how people see me. Nothing has changed there. But here is a paragraph I wrote a year ago today.
"next year i will be a sophomore. that is going to be my transformation year. that is going to be the year that people look at me and say, "is she the same Molly Ronan that was here in 9th grade?" it will be next year. so take a good look at me for these last two days of classes and four days of finals because after that i'm not going to be the same. i'm just not. i won't allow myself. and Abby - all those "you"s up there were not directed to you. i'm sure you can imagine who it was directed to. i love you Abby. thank you for being here for me. get ready for next year cause i'm not putting up with another Molly like this year. everyone is going to know my name next year and not because i'm the kid with swine flu. thank you."
That was a fail. That did not happen at all. And guess what, I am thinking the same this year about next year. Isn't insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different result? Yeppers. There you go.
Now the same day, 4 hours later, I had my typical clear up post where I say that everything I said in my last post was because my emotions were controlling me. That still happens now.
Not an half an hour later from that post where I said I was in a better mood blah blah I write:
"i don't know if i can do this. these finals are bring me down once again. i feel overwhelmed."
Hahahahaha. I'm not feeling overwhelmed at all. Maybe next week I will but hey whatever happens during finals happen. I ain't stressin about it. Ha. I better not be writing that sentence on my english final.
Now a day later from when I wrote:
"it really has just sunk in that i will never be a freshman again after tomorrow. except for finals. tomorrow will be the last day that i will walk those hallways this year. tomorrow will be the last day of my little freshmen routine. can't i just stay in this year forever? can't i just stay in my comfort zone? no. i can't. i'm going to be a sophomore. i'm going to have to take that first step. no one else can do it for me. so yeah. it is just starting to sink in now and it is scary. extremely scary."
Sophomore year wasn't scary at all. It was easy and normal and wasn't out of my comfort zone. There you go. And I never write another blog post until July 3rd and school is discussed once on July 20th when I was all excited about maybe some teenagers renting out our old house and going to the same school as me. Weird that now the people who are renting out our house is right behind me in the doorway. Maeve was babysitting the little girl and the mom just came to pick her up. Yep.
then on August 30th i wrote:
"in a way i can't wait for school to start but then i really don't want to go back to that hell hole. i want a routine again. i don't want to be eating dinner at 8:30 every night. i don't want to wake up and be stuck home until 6 o'clock when my mother comes home and i see her for the first time that whole day. i don't want to be riding at 9pm. i want to have my normal schedule. but i also don't want to wake up at 6:30 everyday. i don't want to be stuck at school and deal with all the awful people and work though i miss my friends. i said that this was going to be my transformation year but it probably isn't. maybe i'll at least make some new friends and keep the ones i already have. if i had a friend in each class that would pretty much make my whole year and currently that isn't the case so i might want to change that."
which is fairly accurate except for the fact i didn't make any new friends. I mention the word "school" a total of 16 times during the month of August.
Then September 2009. The beginning of sophomore year. I wrote 40 posts during that one month. The only other two times I wrote more than that was March of 2010, 71 posts, and April of 2010, 46 posts. But still you must realize that in one month there is only 30/31 days. But I'm not going to reread September posts. Those are just reminders of what I use to be. No need for that. I'm going to change and become confident and talk and HAHAHA. that's what I said last year. You know whatever happens happens. If it does, great, if it doesn't, i'll be fine.
There you go. Time to study. Maybe. Eh it's only 6:16.
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