I have not posted in months. wow.

so i'm still in Ireland.

James said he loves me the other day. I was upset because I feel like I'm just wasting my life and I'm not doing anything meaningful at my job and I don't know if I should go home or stay here. and if I took this job for the summer yeah yeah. but basically it turned into James saying that we would stay together if I left for the summer, I said I thought we would never talk again like it would be over, and he said that I'm his best friend and he loves me. so I said I love him too.

Literally playing that moment over in my head and hearing him say "I love you" has been what has gotten me through this week. neither of us has said it since, I think we have to get used to it, but we have been extra lovely dovey and all. so that happened Saturday. then Sunday we literally stayed in bed all day cuddling or sleeping or talking. I only got out of bed to use the bathroom or put a show on.

but he said that it would be hard if I left for the summer as long as I came back and it wasn't for too long it would be okay. and that if I waited three years for him to finish school he would move to the US with me.

this is all majorly different from what I was thinking where we stood - but I guess we also had that conversation back when I thought I was only staying for the summer so being together 3 months versus the 9 we are at now. so it makes me excited and it gives me comfort but it is another kind of nervous. like should I really stay with him that long? we will stay together that long? if I leave will it work out? he's the first man I've had sex with. I dated Josh years ago so this is my first serious relationship for a while. what if i'm having all these doubts because he isn't the one and it's not going to work out. I don't know, I can't think like that. all I know is right now I love him and want to spend time with him and we will see where it goes.

I had an interview today for a summer position at Boston Symphony Orchestra and I don't know how it went. I can never tell. but I wasn't supposed to go over James's but then he was saying he wanted me to so then I was going to so I started getting ready after the interview but then he said let's leave it for tonight because he was going to go to sleep now. and now I've just been bummed out. and none of the other interesting jobs here in Dublin got back to me. and now i'm just tired.

and I haven't told you anything about helping James through his anxiety and depression. he is on medication now after I rode the bus with him to his 2 appointments. and then today he went to his counsellor appointment on his own. and he quit coca cola. and I am really proud of him.

and I did a writing class yesterday which was good and I should do some writing for that now but I don't feel like it but at least I am writing in this. so I guess I am doing some kind of writing.

I haven't even told you about when I was home for 2 weeks and was in a weird funk moping around.

I don't know what I am doing. I don't like my job, but I love James, and I don't really have any other friends, I have my cousins aunt and uncle here who I usually see every other week. I have a tiny room but rent is cheap, I am saving money. Like it isn't bad but I just want more really. I think that's why I can't just settle and be content. but slowly but surely i'm trying to find a new job. we will see what happens with James. I miss my family but I also don't know how to talk or be around them either. and I don't know what I am doing with my life.

I need to stop moping and appreciate what I have.

I am grateful for this house and cheap rent.
I am grateful I am making a living for myself.
I am grateful I am independent.
I am grateful I can move to a new country and live here.
I am grateful I have people who love and care about me.
I am grateful I am healthy.
I'm grateful.

okay now I think it's time to shower and go to sleep. nice and early, in bed by 9pm please.

I've just felt so anxious all day without a clear reason. I think it has to do with yesterday I tried to say thank you to James's mom for cooking me dinner all the time and it was so awkward and cringey and I just couldn't stand it and James just laughed at me. And I started to get upset of course. And I was telling me how it's still uncomfortable and awkward for me to basically be living in his house, I'm sleeping at his more than I'm sleeping at mine. And he said if the tables were turned, he wouldn't do what I do. But like it's what I have to do if I want to spend time with him. And then later on in the night he said he feels like I put in more effort or do more than him. So I asked if he wants me to do less and he said no, he wants to do more. But I don't know if all that got to me today just looking at what I'm doing with my life. My job is boring and I don't like it, I live half the time at my boyfriend's mother's house, I am making enough money to support myself and save some, and like I enjoy hanging out with James but I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life. And I've always known I wasn't going to stay at this job but now I'm staying so I can get paid for my vacations and I am getting a trip to Vienna for work.

Now I just talked to Maeve for a while basically crying and telling her everything. And it's kind of like I know I am going to have to leave Dublin if I want to do more, even though I would love to just get an apartment with James and live with him. But I'll be stuck if I do. I'll get another job but everyone gets stuck in Dublin. it's like a small town that you can't leave, everyone just pulls you down to their level. yeah, I can rise above it but I already feel myself getting stuck and complacent. how many months did I waste here? but was it really a waste? no, I don't think so, I don't think that is fair to call it a waste.

But I know I need a change soon. The last two months just sort of disappearing. Going to work, going to James's, going to work, going to James's, like that is it. I didn't do anything. And yes, I could do this the rest of my life but I wouldn't fill fulfilled or happy.

Maybe I just realized that a change is coming and it scared me and got me anxious. Because I can't do this forever. And it is going to kill me and hurt me so much to say bye to James, but I know it's going to happen even if it my head my fantasy is moving into an apartment with him and running my own business with him and being so happy with him. I have so much more to do and I don't know if I can do it with him and I don't know if I can do it here in Ireland. I'm holding myself back, I know that. I just have to figure out if it is me living in Ireland that is holding me back or if I would do the same no matter where I live and I just need to start doing something with my life.

Okay schedule for next week - this week I'll be in Scotland!

Lunch - calling companies in Ireland
Monday - with James
Tuesday - Illustrator/looking up and applying for other jobs/Zumba (or maybe with fam?)
Wednesday - with James
Thursday - Illustrator/looking up and applying for other jobs
Friday to Monday - Vienna but try to do work for myself
Tuesday - James
Wednesday - Illustrator/looking up and applying for other jobs
Thursday - ditto
Friday to Sunday - James
Packing & working for myself & seeing James when I can

So basically I need to try to fit in learning Illustrator, applying for jobs, calling companies during lunch, and going to see James when I can - on the weekend usually I can get some work done too and sometimes on the bus I can too if my body decides to cooperate and I don't get a headache while on my laptop.

But now I have to go cook dinner, finish packing and cleaning, and then sleep - ideally in bed before 9 and I have to shower - talking to Maeve and all this crying really put me back.

I just have to talk and tell you this even if you don't care or you think it's not your problem.

I've given you too much control over me. Over what I should wear, that I should get glasses. I know you do it to try to help me or they are just suggestions, but I do it because I want to please you and I want you think better of me. And then when I'm trying on all these clothes and I don't like them and don't feel good in them and I feel like shit and I'm trying to tell you this and you say who cares. Who cares? you don't care, just fucking want nudes. Who would care about you and your thoughts and feelings, Molly? you're not good enough. you're not smart enough, not stylish enough, not pretty enough. why have I given you the fucking power to make me feel this way, I don't need you, I don't want to need you, yet here I am needing your fucking validation. All I want is to be good enough for you.

And I know that is stupid because I should just be happy and confident with myself and not need anyone to make me feel like I'm good enough because I am enough just on my own. And you obviously like me already how I am.

I've literally been tearing myself up over this for an hour not able to sleep. and he just typed "Molly who cares" and then hasn't said another word and I just want him to say something and talk to me. And I hate how he affects me like this. I would do fucking anything for him. And that's scary and this is scary and what the fuck am I doing with my life.

I'm so sick and I was supposed to be asleep at 8 and now it's 10 and I have a whole day of work tomorrow. this fucking sucks.

okay so I had dinner at my aunt and uncles and then she drove me home and first she asked how James was and then we were talking about friends and who I know and all and then she asked if I would consider anything romantic and I was sort of like ehh I don't know how long I'll be here blah blah and just sort of shot it down.

and then I was telling James this and he was like "why don't you just tell her the truth?"

and I was like "do you want me telling me?" and he's like "I don't care" and that was pretty much the end of the conversation and we stopped video chatting soon after that and then messaging was weird too and now we've stopped that.

and now it's like stuck on my mind and I can't make sense of it. yeah I could have told her that we were dating and that I'm seeing him, but I didn't want her to make a big deal out of it but maybe she wouldn't have. but then it would be like a thing. and I don't even know if I can call him my boyfriend or what I would even say. like my friend? I don't really care about titles but other people will ask or whatever. and I don't know.

like my mom knows i'm dating/having sex with someone but I don't ever talk about him. I don't know, it just seemed kind of like something I'm not supposed to talk about.

and I'm scared to even talk to James about this because he would make it a non-deal and be like why are you overthinking this, it doesn't matter.

I don't want it to be like he's not as important because I didn't tell my aunt. I don't know. I'm not super close with my aunt and I know she just cares and is coming from a good place so why didn't I just tell her. I don't know.

This really isn't a big deal. James is already talking about something else after our conversation fizzled out and got awkward.

If I decide I do want her to know, I think I'll have more of those car rides, so I can just be like yeah so I started dating him so that's a thing.

anyways I think this is a non issue and I shouldn't worry about it. if I am still stuck on it on Friday when I see him then I'll talk to him about it.

I have no posted here in a while. let me see what the last thing I posted was. I feel like I start a lot of posts like this.

ah fuck you're missing a lot.

yeah, yeah, I've had sex with James, not that big of a deal. we're still together. he's great. I spend a lot of time with him.

I'm still in Ireland. I have a job and am working at a carpet cleaning company doing marketing for them but he is also a manager for an artist so I help with that too.

But I just got off the phone with my dad. And I realize/he confirmed what I was thinking about didn't want to believe - that I have to start putting a lot more into my job. Like I am just sort of there but since I don't like it, I'm not really trying. I have to start trying and actually do shit even if I don't really like it. I want to make myself the best employee at that company. That's what my dad said he did, so maybe I'll try that. It is so hard to motivate myself though when it is so boring. But I'll give it my best effort tomorrow. Like one day of actually trying to work the full day without wasting time and bullshitting.

And then I also have to find time to work on myself and what I want to do. Like today I took the time to revise my resume. But now I am considering waking up earlier in the morning so I can do the Darren Hardy thing where I work on myself and learn. And then I am going to have to go to more concerts and start networking and learning things.

Ah so much and I don't know what I'm doing. But I am living on my own now - well in a house with three other people. And a lot has happened that I haven't told you about. But I'm still surviving.

Okay so my game plan is I am going to wake up at 7 tomorrow, which is 45 minutes earlier than I have to. I'm going to try to do the Darren Hardy thing my dad paid a lot of money for, for his company, but he gave me access too.

And next week I'm going to start looking into what concerts are going on so I can start going to more of those even if they are during the week so I can see the scene and all.

But now I'm just tired and it's not even 10 and I'm going to get ready to go to bed. Awesome.

so a lot has happened. I bought birth control, I haven't started it yet, I need to wait for my period to start.

I almost, started to have sex with James last night? like his tip was in and he had a condom on but then it started to hurt and I freaked out. but there was blood so that was fun.

oh I also talked to my mom about going on birth control and she said to make sure I use condoms too.

and James did tell me straight that if wouldn't see other people romantically while he was seeing me romantically - and that he wouldn't want to. he has been very clear how much he likes me and yeah.

I trust him a lot. I slept over his house last night. and next time I'm over there I will be having sex with him. So exciting stuff.

And I'm so tired but that is the update I got for you. Okay goodnight.

Oh I also realized my dad forgot my birthday, I had talked to him the day before my birthday and he didn't say anything and I didn't say anything. and then he was going to call today - because he was driving, but my wifi wasn't working. but I didn't hear anything from him day of, so cool.

so last night I stayed up until 5am talking to James. it was later before I fell asleep. there was already light coming through the window.

I don't know how we started talking about it. but I was asking him a bunch of questions and then I said something stupid and felt horrible. and then it turned into talking about us. and he just has a different understanding and viewpoint of relationship. like he is committed to our friendship and this is everything (except sex) that we have, but it isn't exclusive. like he can do whatever he wants with his body. but I still trust him. like I know it sounds like a way to just sleep around with whoever he wants but it kind of makes sense. he says I kept fixating too much on the other people when that is not what it is about. he didn't want to spell it out for me so I could figure it out. and often he said that he shouldn't have to say this. basically there is him and then there is me, we are our own separate people but we have a good time together, the best of times. and we still have our own separate lives. by saying we're "exclusive" is just saying something to ease insecurities, but not actually doing anything. he can do whatever he wants, he doesn't have to be accountable to me. we aren't dependent on each other. but we can still build this friendship.

and he said how he has never tried to distance himself from me. and I thought these jokes were a way to keeping a distance, but he said no they were just jokes. and he said how hard he works to try to get me to laugh. and he said how smart I am, because I can keep up with him and call him out.

and I made the mistake last night of asking roxy for help with what to say and that made it worse because Roxy is very much in one set mindset and I don't think she would have gotten it quickly enough to help me. so I sent a few bad messages based on Roxy's advice.

but I think I am going to give this a go because what he says makes sense. all about being independent and your own person, this is what I say when I am talking about relationships. but why not go all in for the summer. fully knowing that this will be over in august. but you still have those memories and we helped shape the other person into who they are and will become.

and I am seriously considering sex with him. it seems like one of the safest ways to do it for the first time. with someone who trusts and respects me and it is what it is. I know where we stand and I know it is only going to be for these three months and I am okay with that. as hard as that conversation was, it was necessary and I feel better about everything.

it is different than what I am used to and grown up thinking. but honestly by being in a relationship and being exclusive are just words. I would rather just build up a friendship and I decide what I want to do with my body and with who. and if this all blows up in my face, then okay, but i'm going to try and see what happens.

i'm finding and building my own person now and I think I need to take ownership of that. I need to step away from asking my friends everything and be confident in myself and what I do.

and I think I am going to have to write Ellie a letter. because running away and ignoring it isn't the most adult thing to do.

anyways I came to Ireland to think I was going to intern, I quit that, and now I got myself tangled into this mess with James. it isn't actually a mess. I am grateful and i'm glad. he pushes me to think different and to think about myself.


ughh it still kind of gets me. thinking that he could do the same thing with other girls. but he says it is not about that, I am just stuck on that. okay maybe I just got it. it's like me saying "you are not allowed to see other girls" but who I am to say what he is and is not allowed to do? he chooses what is best for him. I just focus on my friendship/relationship with him and I make choices for myself.

if he was having sex with other women, then that is probably a symptom of something else is wrong in our friendship, or not wrong, but I don't know. i'm still working this out in my head. it's like it makes sense and I get it one second but then it jumps back and I am stuck again.

ah okay, I need to get up, get some food, get dressed, do work for Phil, then I have a phone call with him later. I also need to put clothes away. and then I have four people who I need to call. and I am still considering if I should tell my mom that I am thinking I am on birth control

it's like my emotions are on a different schedule. my brain is saying one thing but they are off running away. and then as soon as I get them back under control another thing sets them off. no amount of reason can bring them back, they hold onto hope and possibility and just go off.

ugh. like I kind of just want to end this so I can move on and stop getting pulled back in.

so I was just talking to Maeve and my aunt comes in and tells me it's quarter to one so I need to be quiet and I need to shut my window because of the alarm.

and now I am worried that they can hear everything is say and I was talking about sex and James and everything. so shit if they can hear everything.

and I can't even leave my window open.

I sometimes really hate living here and just want my own space. i'm old enough to stay up as late as I want and leave my window up and talk about sex without worrying about who is hearing me. ah this sucks. I feel stuck here. I haven't even been here a month yet. and i'm already ready to move on. I better start planning some more trips because there is no way I can keep this up.

but I told Maeve about the whole James thing and she is cool about it and it was good to talk to her about this stuff. but I know what I have to do and I've come to terms with it all. so whatever. I don't really know what i'm doing. I just kind of feel judged and trapped here and I just want out. I want my own place. ugh.

I feel sick and tired. but whatever. but it's not whatever because they are letting me stay here for free and feeding me and everything so I have to be gracious and stay out of the way. but I just want to stop tip-toeing around and just feel comfortable here.

today was actually a pretty good day but now I just feel like shit. it's probably just because i'm tired. but tomorrow I have to wake up and face them. and I can tell my aunt is just getting annoyed with me. and god I just want to escape and be by myself and just do what I want without feeling like i'm trapped. this kind of sucks.

and it says James is online but he has not seen my last message and he isn't responding. and I just want to cry and get out of here.

oh I have so much to tell you. but i'm too tired to do it all now.

but I am trying to not let myself get attached. because I know he's not the right one. and I know he won't ever treat me the way I deserve or want to be treated. like I can only take so many jokes ragging on me. and I know he is judging me for being a virgin and I know he is going to want to have sex. and if I don't have sex with him he is going to go have sex with other women. so i'm pretty sure i'm not the only woman he is dating or seeing. and I can't justify having sex with him so he will be exclusive with me. I want him to want to be with me because he wants to be with me regardless of the sex.

and i'm sad because I know it's not going to work out how I want it to. there isn't going to be a fairy tale ending here and i'm going to lose the closest friend I have here. I mean I can propose that we just be friends but won't it be awkward now after we already went past that just friends line?

I don't want to have this conversation with him because I know it is most likely going to end with him saying that he wants to have sex and doesn't understand being in a relationship or exclusive with someone without sex. which I can see and understand where he is coming from but I just don't agree. i'm worth more than sex and i'm worth more than jokes about him having side bitches and me being one of them.

this would be so much easier if I just had sex with him. like sex isn't that big of a deal, is it? well it would cost me almost 100 euros to get on birth control between the consultation and the actual pill for three months. but apart from that, it's that big of a deal right? who am I kidding, Molly you will get even more attached if you have sex with him. and you are going to have to leave in three months. and even if there is that little hope that it could still work, you know very well it wouldn't. you wouldn't want it to because you are going to be off somewhere new and don't want to worry about a boyfriend - you did that once and saw how badly that worked out. plus his life is so different than mine, he wouldn't travel to the US or anywhere really. but it would be so nice to have him to myself as a friend and more and to have sex with him for three months. I could still make the decision to do that. and as much as I want to do that, I think I would still be disappointed. I don't think he could give me the emotional connection I want. I want to feel like I belong and have a place here and I don't think i'll find that by having sex with James and I would be fooling myself if I said otherwise.

but maybe i'm wrong and it would make me happy and I would have a great friend and I don't know. it sort of feels like i'm making a big deal out of nothing. like why not just get sex over with so I don't have to go through this again the next time I meet someone I like.

I don't think this really helped me figure it out. like what I said at first is what I know makes logical sense but don't you just want to say fuck what makes sense and do the irrational and crazy even though you know it will hurt you in the long run?

i'm going over his house tomorrow.

why am I so nervous.

quick updates:

1. I quit my internship
2. James and I have kissed a lot in hidden places we have found in the city
3. I'm planning trips to Germany and Italy currently
4. Ellie messaged me today in typical all-about-her-and-her-problems-and-how-much-I-hurting-her fashion
5. I've been in a bit of a slump this week but I am okay now because I had a good evening with James
6. I went to Grandma's grave and house and cried
7. Evelyn and Lauren call James my boyfriend
8. I told Maeve about him
9. I'm still feeling kind of lost and like I don't know what I'm doing but I'm trying to be okay with that

open a new tab
load gmail
open an old email
close window
open a new website.
wait, wait
open a soda

open my laptop
open the internet
open email
open a new tab
open my water

okay those are all stupid. that's my attempt at writing a poem about how I feel like i'm wasting my time and my potential and how I could be doing so much but I am literally here open and reopening gmail.

so I just kissed a boy. apparently he thought to kiss me when we were getting ready to say bye and I said "i hate this part it is so awkward" or something like that. sooo for the ten minutes we were waiting for my train he kissed me and we talked and I was so awkward and he was like just relax but I was just so on edge and awkward, the fact that this was even happening. I told him that I literally just wanted a friend. and he said yeah we can be both. and he was trying to make me calm down but I was just was I don't know. I still don't know. right now I am so tired. and I still have to work tomorrow. I can not really comprehend how this happened.

and the bad thing is I am not 100% sure I really like him. like I enjoyed kissing him but my stomach wasn't doing somersult, just little butterflies. but I still like hanging out with him and I did like kissing him. ahhh god. another thing to worry about or think about, not really worry I guess. but just another thing. a good thing.

but jesus Christ how long have you been here molly and you are already kissing someone. granted he is my only friend here soooo.

anyways i'm too tired for this but I am on the dart right now. and I left my phone at the bar we were at. but I called them and they had it. so I will get it tomorrow at lunch time. oh but that's a night without it. I have to think about how I will do my alarm. I guess I will leave my laptop open. or let me see if my little phone does an alarm.

but oh my goodness what I have I gotten myself into.

ah okay sooo I was just texting James to figure out plans for this week. and after I said when and where he says "Cool cool cool it's a date" so I just responded "like a date date?!?! So you do like me? :D"

okay so I started writing that last night but then I stopped because he responded and then I was updating Amelie. oh jeez. all I wanted was a friend but now I'm going on dates, ahh. let me see the last thing I wrote to you.

you're pretty much up to date. i'll just transcribe all the texts so I have them here.

James: "Moll(ie)y I got your call. If this aint Moll(ie)y then who the fuck is this? Why are you ringing me???" 3-Jun 11:19PM

Molly: "Don't worry your number has not been leaked yet, this is Molly with a y"

James: "Don't know any Molly's with a y. Must be wrong number. Please leave." 3-Jun 11:48PM

Molly: "Bye!"

Molly: "Do you want to meet up for dinner Tuesday or Wednesday?"

James: "Yeah I reckon it wont be the worst thing I could do. :) Anything or anywhere you have in mind?" 5-Jun 10:24PM

(this one wasn't saved so from memory) Molly: "I think it's one of the best things you can do. I don't have anything in mind but I could look something up!"

James: "I don't know maybe striving for world peace could be a better use of my time but only just :-). Yeah you do that. If you'd rather I can look for something. You know take away the pressure of you having to make a decision EVER!!!" 5-Jun 11:15PM

Molly: "Let's go to bad ass café! Tuesday?"

James: "Cool cool cool its a date!" 5-Jun 11:28PM

Molly: "Like a date date?!?! So you do like me! :D"

James: "No that's just a figure of speech like when someone says Ill kill you in your sleep and make it look like suicide but they don't really mean it. :) :) :)" 5-Jun 11:38PM

Molly: "Your three smileys say otherwise!"

James: "I just had a giggle to myself thinking of you over analyzing and obsessing over every little thing I say and do, because I'm deliberately coy, and then you sent that text which in a way reinforced my mode of thinking. :*" 5-Jun 11:51PM

Molly: "Glad I could amuse you! I'm going to sleep, goodnight!"

James: "Cool talk to you tomorrow so we can sort out the details for our date!! :D :D" 6-Jun 12:02AM

oh man, it never stops, does it?

I should be sleeping but i'm awake. and I am not awake enough to make a coherent post but here I am. i'm trying hard not to build up the idea of james in my head but that is failing. mostly because I have nothing else fun to think about and I like him and I enjoyed hanging out with him all day yesterday. like it was so easy hanging out with him. and I felt so comfortable and at ease with him. anyways I should sleep. i'm exhausted. but I can't help but wonder if james told his family or friends about me, like I did with Roxy and Maeve. is he wondering when i'm going to text? is he looking forward to the next time we hang out? who knows. well he does. and maybe i'll know eventually.

I am currently at the youbloom conference but i'm manning the registration table and it is slow so I have a chance to just relax and reflect for a bit. yesterday was such a long day but somehow I was up this morning and ready to go again.

so I have sort of made a friend, James. he has been working the conference all day yesterday and today with me. he's cool but like almost too cool for me. like he does not support capitalism at all, he is a vegetarian, he doesn't want to do any harm, he has his septum pierced, he has a tattoo of a triangle on his face, his nails are painted black, when someone said that their band was evenly split gender wise he told me later that he should have said "oh so two men, two women, two trans," he is an art student, he doesn't have a phone, what else...but he is also really funny and nice and easy to get along with. he is sarcastic and pokes fun at me. and we are also the only two in the same boat.

but anyways I saw him at the initial volunteer meeting and I thought he looked cool and around my age range and wanted to be friends but we didn't talk then. but next there was a walk through of the venues so I talked to him a bunch then. but I thought I wouldn't see him again because we would be working at different venues, but then he ended up volunteering to work at the whole conference so now I've seen him a bunch. and he said he will hang out with me tomorrow. so working on friends. still sort of figuring each other out. but there is one friend, woohoo. not sure how i'm going to make any more. actually I have one more prospect who I will talk to more tomorrow. but he has definitely made this conference a lot more fun because it is kind of long and boring, not kind of, definitely is.

but things are going well here. i'm settling in at the Cotter's and getting used to them. I feel bad that they have to drive me to and from the Dart station and I kind of wish I had more freedom to come and go without worrying about them. but I have a long day today and then another long day tomorrow but tomorrow I get to meet the place i'm supposed to be interning at. but we will see how everything goes. just figuring it out and getting used to everything.

i'll give a bigger reflection and update another time when I can breathe, maybe Sunday?

okay so I haven't written here in a long time. I am currently in Ireland, yes, I made it.

graduation sucked. like after graduation. the ceremony was fine because I just went were they told me to and that was it. but afterwards was so overwhelming, like we had to get all the friends together to take pictures and I had a bunch of different people telling me where to go. and I had my family and my mom and dad were obviously both there and that was super awkward. my auntie lorrie kept asking if we wanted a picture of the 5 of us, and I kept saying no. because that is so fake. I don't want a picture of our fake family, we are split. and it sucks. so anyways I posed for a few pictures and then I just left and went to lunch with my dad and sisters which was fine.

then I get back to the dorm and i'm the first one back so I start packing. and i'm pretty much done but I decide to stick around to try to help Amelie. because she had to get over to the cocktail party thing her parents were hosting. so I start going through the kitchen stuff. most of which is not mine. and I am told to just give everything to Roxy. but how am I supposed to get it to Roxy? luckily there was a huge cardboard box in the closet so I start putting in stuff. and then Amelie just leaves. so I just keep going through all the kitchen and common area stuff. and then Ellie asks if I need help and at that point i'm pretty pissed and it's clear she just wants to leave anyways so I just say nope. and then i'm still there clearing everything out. and i'm not done until like 6-6:30 when I was basically ready to leave at 4. and then of course I have to figure out how to get stuff to Roxy and she says she will come get it. and I was in tears at this point. I missed the whole party thing that they were at because I was cleaning out all their shit they didn't want to deal with. and then I waited 30 minutes for Roxy and she still wasn't there so I called and told her I was just leaving it there. and then I drove home. and I am still pissed off about this. like really pissed off still. and then Ellie left some crying voicemail or something. and I tried to just text her something to calm her down and keep her off my case. and then I ignored her for a bit. and then she texted about apartments in Kentucky so I text her back so she wouldn't freak out that I was ignoring her. and then later she texts asking when she can come see me. and I say no. and she is like not even for a hug? and I say no, I want to spend as much time as I can with family. and her response is "Wow." and after that I was so mad and upset about the whole thing that I didn't respond to Amelie and Roxy. and I just messaged Amelie but I am still pretty upset at her too. ugh it makes me upset. just because I have to clean up every one else's shit and they don't think about me or don't really care and just think about themselves. I can't even think about it more it makes me so upset. I had texted Amelie if she wanted her printer and she responds with "what primer?" because she didn't read. and she didn't text the whole night. and Ellie thinks she is a good friend, like she checked in after it was too late to help, and she had asked to help and she called three times but she isn't doing that for me...she is doing that for herself because she needs constant validation from everyone else, especially from me. she is doing it so she feels like she is a good friend, not because she is actually a good friend. seen from the "Wow." response, not understanding that I literally just lived with her for a whole school year and I have barely seen my family who I am not going to see all summer. aaaarrraaagghhh. whatever. I should try to sleep but i'm all worked up now. and I have more to tell you but that's all I can write now. okay goodbye.

so tomorrow i'm graduating. tonight is the last night sleeping at babson. last time really being a college student. tomorrow is all for show and more for the parents than for us. this week was for us. now is the last time I can just walk outside my door and be with my friends and hang out and drink and order pizza and it is okay to stay up super late and just hang out and talk. tomorrow i'll start in the "real world" although I still think this is real too. but anyways just thought I needed one more post before the big day tomorrow when this is all over.

wow. really four years. that went by so fast. and I have it all here in this blog. or at least some of it, I could never put all of them. but this is really amazing. even though it is expected, of course I graduated college, I still did it. it was a lot of hard work. I've grown up. I've gone through a lot. yes, of course that happens to everyone, but it is still special that it happened to be. so here we go. bring on the next chapter.

it kind of sucks to be at a dance and see the guy you have a crush on fawning all over and following and dancing with another girl all night. especially when that girl is one of your friends and in your friend group so you are literally watching him do this all night. but at least you know that he has no chance with her because all the guys pursue her and she is always nice to all of them and flirts with them because that is just her personality but never does anything with them. he was already gone when I saw her later in one of the suites - but maybe he will show up later. anyways it kind of sucked. I really just want to get out of her and be surrounded by new people because I am kind of sick of these people. and it kind of sucks when all but one of your friends have boyfriends. so you feel like a third wheel a lot. but I managed to dance with all the boyfriends at first just for fun but then Emily said that jealousy is a good tool, so then to try to make Hanson jealous but I don't think it worked because he literally just stared at Maria all night. I told her at one point good luck after making it really awkward being like "soo...Maria...." and giving him looks which he didn't appreciate, but he did appreciate the luck because he said he was going to need to. but I may have made Chris Harrington jealous because when I was dancing with Mike when I was done, passing his hand back to Roxy, he grabbed mine and Mike's so then it was just three plus Roxy all dancing together and then Ellie joined and then a bunch of people joined so I stopped that hand holding pretty quickly. but I thought that Chris had another girl he was into but whatever. if he had asked me out I would have said yes. there are a lot of guys I would have said yes to if they asked me out but they never did. so single life for molly.

also Abby posted a bunch of throw back pictures of Josh, one of which was from before senior prom at my dad's lake house with my cropped out of it. like what the hell.

i'm trying not to be sad about all of this because I know it doesn't really matter but I am sad. I should just go to sleep. okay goodnight.