crying.

Now i am depressed. please don't cry, Molly.

this is the first new years in a long long time where i'm not staying up until midnight. i don't really care. i'm tired. last night was enough partying for me. and i'm not going to get all philosophical and think about 2013. tomorrow is just another day. i just have to take it one day at a time.

i'm so tired.
i was about to tell about what happened but ahhh exhaustion just hit me.
just come on Taylor, why do you make me like you so much?! you come sleep over my house, interact with my sisters more than me with (mostly because i'm just so starstruck still and don't even know what to say), and then just off you go to Syracuse and then back to California. blahhhh why are you such an amazing singer and amazing guy and so good looking?
i mentioned how my friends from Babson and I were talking about going to California for spring break to my mom and she was all excited and thought I should. even if i didn't end up going with any friends from Babson i could stay with Vivian who lives in Disneyland or my mom's friend Lisa or see if Lou would let me stay with her. and i would just hang out in Cali, hopefully be able to hang out with Taylor and i don't know. i still feel like Taylor and I will never be as good as friends as i would like.

and i feel freaking bad about not going to josh's but i really don't want to. all i want right now is to sleep and be home. i don't want to have to deal with driving there and deal with his family and have to be happy and make conversation with josh and plus i would get no sleep sleeping on the couch with him because it's just so uncomfortable and small. and i don't know what is going on with him because honestly i never feel the motivation to plan something to hang out with him. texting him and seeing him are becoming something i have to do, not something i want to do.

so tonight is new year's eve and i'm going to be in bed most definitely before midnight and i don't care about that whole midnight kiss thingy because honestly it's just another day.

i am seriously not lying right now. Taylor Mathews is sleeping on my couch as I sit on this kitchen table. no lie. i can't believe it either. don't worry.

slight turn of events...Taylor Mathews is in my house. like, what? i know, seriously i can't believe it.

so bummed out.
Taylor and his crew aren't getting to Boston until 4.
so i go to the baby shower and go up with Mommy, Maeve, Maura, and I guess now Bella - although I never really wanted her to come.
and then we will all just be there for the soundcheck and stuff.
disappointed.
so i really don't even get a birthday present out of that. that's just what we were going to do. so much for time with just me and Taylor. and i was all pumped because i would help the unload and hang out with them and help them get ready and stuff. now i'll probably just be standing awkwardly with my mom and sisters along with the 100 other girls who got VIP passes and get to come in at 4 as well. they were supposed to get there at 1 if i didn't mention that, and i was going to get there at the same time so i would have 3 hours of just hanging out.
seriously this sucks. now i have to get ready for the baby shower and i have no idea what to wear, i didn't think about this at all. whatever. i just want to go back to sleep. i'm not even excited for the concert anymore. trying hard not to cry because even though this is disappointed it's not worth crying over. especially since i don't know how it would have went if i got there early and i was nervous about it. and earlier i posted about how i should just do this - yeah that was my nervous anxiety self talking but i yelled at her and i was ready to go there by myself early. should have listened to my little nervous anxiety self.
i guess another reason why i really wanted to go because i wouldn't be seen as just one of the sisters. like i'm just clumped with "The Ronans." and i'm always more paranoid about what to say when my sisters and mom are around because they will remember and say later, "why did you say that?" i would like it if Taylor actually remember my first name. whatever. it doesn't matter. he is a big star now and what does he care about me? i have a boyfriend anyways, not that it matters that i've seen him over this vacation about as much as i've seen Taylor after this show. why the heck do i even like this kid Taylor so much anyways? why do i care? well i guess ask anyone why they like their favorite singer or actor or author or celebrity. this is normal right?
now i'm getting off topic. i'm still mad and upset. but i have to be happy and excited because i'm going to this baby shower. i guess at least i'll see my cousins. not that i'll really be able to talk to them because everyone else is going to want to be talking to them. now i need to shut up and just go get ready.

i really just want tomorrow to go well.
really really really want it to go well.

it's pretty much common knowledge that most teenage relationships don't last and that more and more parents are getting divorces or splitting.

that doesn't mean it hurts any less when they happen.

Josh and I almost broke up today.

That was fun.

i kind of really don't want to make a post. because i have been trying so hard to push away everything and this will just bring it back up. so i'll make it short and then i'll go to sleep.

it was so weird and sad calling my dad on the phone to say Merry Christmas to him. fuck, now i'm crying and i haven't cried all day.

and yesterday with my dad trying so hard, making dinner and getting christmas lights and a bunch of desserts. i can't. i'm sobbing now.

i need to think about something else.

oh about how Josh is all like, "seeing abby here makes me wish you were here" and i'm just like yeahhh no i don't wish i was there and i don't wish you were here. i'm happy being here with my family. and he is asking what i'm doing tomorrow and i haven't responded yet. ultimately i know i am going to see him but i don't want to go over his house and pretend like everything is fine. i'd rather be here with my family where we know we are broken and we know everything that is going on and we can just be together.

and then my Taylor Mathews present thing is that i get to miss the baby shower to go spend the day with him in Boston without my sisters or parents. which is great except i kind of wanted to go to the baby shower and it hasn't actually even been confirmed with Taylor or his tour manager, just his manager who lives in California - she is the boss but still. i don't know what we are going to do. it's probably going to be awkward and weird. i don't know if his sister is still on tour with him, i wouldn't mind hanging out with her and him, but i don't know if we also are going to be hanging out with the rest of his band and his tour manager. and it's just stupid. i'm just a fan whose mother has a bunch of money so she was able to buy his friendship. i'm not really his friend, even though i often call him my friend. i mean he is probably just going to spend the day with me because Marisa tell him to and because he knows my mom gave a bunch of money, not because he wants to.

and my horse is broken. i can only walk her around. and i still have a freaking cold. i keep coughing and have a runny nose and i'm exhausted.

but i am still so thankful for my sisters and my mom. thank you for giving me them or else i would be so lost.

ahhh i'm about to cry again. now i am.

merry christmas.

This Christmas eve is making me sick.

i just watched undercover boss and that's what i want to be able to do, give back to everyone. to the employees, to people who need some money, or just help out. ahhh i want to have that feeling of giving a lot to people.

i'm also excited for christmas now thanks to my mom. i wasn't excited until my mom hinted that i am getting something for Christmas involving Taylor Mathews. apparently i am going to be taken care of. it's probably something involving the 30th. and my mom said that i owe her. so now i'm just excited to find out what it is, she said i'll find out on Christmas. ahhh hopefully it is something really good and not awkward that i'll be super excited for. i'm already super excited though.

and i finished all my christmas shopping today so i'm happy now. ahh the christmas spirit is coming now.

i'm also proud of myself for surviving the crazy mall on the weekend before christmas and the highway! wooo! i'm awesome. i'm also sick though, which sucks, hopefully i'll be better by Christmas, or at least by the concert. ahhh i'm so excited for the concert again. the concert...woooo!

fifth harmony didn't win. and neither did carly rose, who i think had the best vocals and deserved it off of that. ):

i saw josh for lunch today and he acted like he wasn't upset or frustrated or mad about last night. why can i do no wrong in his eyes? it frustrates me i guess.

can i please talk about Taylor Mathews more because i don't want to talk about how weird it is that my dad has to come over to visit and then he just leaves again after ten minutes? wait, how many days was i supposed to fangirl before i stopped? whatever, Taylor is a better option.

okay so when we went to NY my dad was asking if we thought Taylor was ever going to make it big or whatnot. and i'm thinking about it and i really hope he does. he deserves it. so i was trying to think about what i could do to help. like try to get a huge fan base for him on twitter or tumblr. i would need help though so i started asking some girls on tumblr who like Taylor and one is just like, "i dont want him to be famous, i want him all to myself." selfish. don't you want him to be successful and happy and be able to support himself doing what he wants. but then she continues by saying stuff like how she was able to videochat with him and that would never happen if he was famous. and she is right, if he was super famous i would never be able to go to disneyland or hang out with him before or after his shows. i guess part of me wishes/hopes that if he did become super famous he would still remember me and my family and still make an effort to see us and hang out with us whenever he was in the area. and another reason why i might not want to make a blog or whatever is because i don't want to come off as one of those obsessed fangirls, i really just want to be his friend. ah whatever. this is the smallest of my worries though, so i like to think about this one.

i'm sad and tired. i don't know what to do. i feel like i'm stuck. someone come and free me please. or let me figure out how to do it myself.

i just want people to like me.

i know, don't care about what other think, be yourself.

i want to be myself and i want people to like me for who i am.

i want people to watch a video of me and just like me even more. like i do when i watch shaytard or r5 videos.

i feel like i'm too young. too young to be in a serious long-term long-distance relationship. too young to be off doing my own thing. yet when i went to the R5 concert i just felt old. and i feel like time is running out if i want to do something big and be someone.

fudge muffins.

right now i wish i was at a concert. a really good concert. i wish i was amped up on adrenaline. i wish i didn't care about anything other than screaming the lyrics at the top of my longs. i wish i could just forget about everything else. i wish i was somewhere else right now. i wish i had someone to just take me away and make me forget everything.

i think part of the reason i don't want to go to sleep because i don't want that period of thinking before i fall asleep. i don't want to be haunted by those thoughts.

i want more for me. i want so much more. i want people to follow me on twitter and instagram. i want to start my own facebook page because too many people want to be my friend. i want people to care about who i am. i want to be able to meet R5. i want Taylor Mathews to follow me on instagram and twitter and to think about me other than when i'm coming to his concert. i want Riker to be excited to meet me. i want to meet all these amazing people. i want them to be honored to meet me: Taylor Swift, Emma Stone, Jennifer Lawrence, Lea Michelle, Andrew Garfield, Ryan Gosling. i hate being a nobody here in my bedroom. i don't want to be a famous singer, or actor, or model. i can't. as amazing as it would be to be a singer, there is no way i ever will be. so instead i need to be a big successful business woman. i need an idea and i need to make it happen. the sooner the better please.

i'm being stupid. but right now i can't really back up that statement. i'm getting too tired to make sense. i know Josh and Abby are right but that isn't what i wanted to hear from them. i wanted to hear "Molly, tell me what is wrong, i will listen as long as you want me to" not "Molly, go to sleep, we will talk later." what if i don't want to talk later? what if later is too late.

i feel alone. very alone right now. right now i only have Taylor Mathew's recorded voice singing to me which just makes me even more aware that he isn't my friend and he isn't here, just like all my other friends aren't here.

i need to shut up and stop bitching. i know i'm being a bitch and i'm being unreasonable and i'm being unlikeable. well i've never really been that likable which is why my list of friends keeps getting shorter and shorter. thank goodness i have Maeve and Maura. they are really all i need. right now they are sleeping and i would never wake them up. i always will put them first.

thinking about Maeve and Maura just brought me back to reality. they are going through every similar things to me. we have each other. i need to be strong for them and get through this. i need to stop being stupid. it's so much easier to just stay a mess than try to pull yourself back together.

i want to put together a plan of action but i can't think straight right now. i think i'm going to fall asleep listening to Taylor's music so my mind will be listening to the lyrics and won't be able to think. not that it's doing a good job thinking now anyways.

okay, goodnight. tonight has been a low night for Molly, sorry. i'll get back up there somehow.

abby texts me back and tells josh i'm still awake so they gang up on me and tell me to go to sleep. i'm a stubborn bitch so i'm going to stay awake for at least another 8 minutes. or 30. or another hour. whatever i feel like.

i'm a mess. yayyyayyyayyyayy.

i'm also tired.

i just voted for Fifth Harmony over 100 times. it reminds me of when i stayed up late voting for Taylor Mathews. and now look at him. he is so awesome and so nice. i'm listening to him sing an amazing acoustic version of his song Love Original. he has grown up so much from when he first auditioned. just look at him and you can tell. and he is so much more confident now. but he still has the same voice that i fell in love with the first time i heard that goofy kid sing it on AGT. i look up to him so much. honestly so much. he just went for something, he decided to just go for AGT and he made it so far because he is so genuine and has an amazing talent. (and because i voted for him so much, but we are talking about him.) and then he went and toured with AGT and i met him then and i was so star struck. i was only 15 or i just turned 16 then and i think he was the first celebrity i really met. he was the first celebrity i really liked and looked up to. and then since AGT he followed his dream and moved to LA and he is making it happen. he went out to LA on his own and grew up so fast. he has all these new cool friends. he is making awesome music. he is playing shows. and it wasn't like he got instant success, he is struggling, he is working another job at a restaurant. he doesn't make any money from going on shows. but he keeps trying. he had a kickstarter to get enough money to make a music video and he did it. we gave a lot (like $1,500 a lot) but everyone else gave the rest of the $5,000. and he made an awesome, high quality music video. and now what is he doing? he is going and touring with R5 who is super popular now because Ross is on the Disney show Austin and Ally. and he goes out on stage and he is just so awesome. and he talks to fans before the show and afterwards and he is the nicest guy. honestly. he was going to sign my shirt and he was like, "do you want a smaller size? this kind of looks big" and i was like, yeah i guess you are right. so he went and got me a smaller shirt before he signed it. and then he said he wants to hang out with us in Boston before the Boston show. now i don't know if he is just being nice to us because Marisa told him to because we gave a bunch of money. but he is nice to all of his fans. he tweets all of them back and everything. and oh, he gave us a shoutout during his show. some girls behind us were screaming so he looked over and saw us waving and he said "the Ronans" and i can't describe the voice he said it in, but it was like we had a connection and knew each other and it was awesome. no one else knew why he said it but us. ahh, this kid. i really want him to be so successful. at the same time i want to keep him my little secret but even more i want everyone to be talking about him. i want him to playing headlining sold-out in minutes tours. i want someone to say "ahh, i love Taylor Mathews" so i can casually reply "yeah, i went to Disneyland with him."

sorry i'm hardcore fangirling right now. but i think part of the reason why i have been obsessing with R5 and Taylor recently is so i don't have to think about my parents and the state my family is in. like the fact that this is the first year since i can remember (or ever) that we haven't sent out a Christmas card. and the fact that this is the first time i think that my dad brought me and my three sisters somewhere overnight with my mom. when we saw Taylor he asked us where my mom was and my dad said that she was home with a sick dog, when that wasn't the reason at all, Finn could have stayed over at corgi camp. and the fact that when we sat down for breakfast this morning at a four person table my dad automatically pulled over a fifth chair but we didn't need one.

i'm afraid of what Christmas is going to be without my dad there in the morning. or if he does come in the morning that would be even scarier because i don't want to see my parents not getting along. or my mom in a bad mood and my dad trying to ignore it. and i don't want to have a separate present exchange with my dad. i don't want to cry on christmas but i think that is inevitable. i cried today about this.

and on top of that i'm trying to figure out how i feel about my relationship with josh. and i think that i'm confusing and mixing up things with my parents and with him. and maybe because i see how broken my house is right now, i don't want to leave. i really don't though, i feel horrible leaving or having fun without my sisters. which isn't fair to josh and i realize that and i don't know if there is more behind it. there is. i know there is. i don't think we are going to stay together in the long run. it's easy for me to say that and think that now but as soon as i see him or am near him i just can't think about doing anything to hurt him. i'm about to start crying again. i need to talk to him about this but as soon as i do i'll start crying because i know whatever i say will hurt him.

and abby finally texted me and i'm crying full out now. i miss her so much.

but i need to cut it out. this is what i have to do. i have to be grateful for what i have because i have so much. i'm going to suck it up and stop being a jerk and go and see josh tomorrow and have a nice lunch with him. and then i'm going to go and babysit and relax and forget about everything. and then i'm going to watch the finale of the x factor and hope Fifth Harmony wins.

right now i have Taylor Mathew's new exclusive tour EP on repeat. i'm going to listen to that and talk to Abby and then go to sleep.

i'm being a bad girlfriend again. i don't want to go to the movies tonight. i just drove four hours and the last thing i want to do is to be in a car or staring at a movie screen. i want to sleep. but i'm going to go because if i don't i'll be a bitch but while i'm there i'm going to be bitchy because i'm going to be in a bad mood.

all i want to do is talk about r5 and taylor mathews but stupid relationship stuff is putting me in a bad mood.

another reason why i was a bad girlfriend. i found the perfect christmas gift for josh today, a really nice notebook like the one we used to write back and forth, but i didn't get it because i never wrote in the one we have now and i didn't bring it home from school and if i did get the new one, i wouldn't know what to write in it.

i'm scared. and i feel bad. and tired.

and Abby didn't text me back today, i'm feeling really alone and like i have no friends. just my sisters, thank god for my sisters. now i need to stop before i start crying.

i just want to fangirl a little bit more. okay how about we make a deal? i can fangirl until Thursday. and then i'll take a break until after Christmas and then i'll get amped back up for concert number two on the 30th. well, i'll try. and today is fangirling.

is it bad that i'm jealous over a tweet that doesn't really even specify who it is about? and that i have a boyfriend. probably but that's the life of a fangirl. (ha, i think i am funny for calling myself a fangirl because i don't really identify myself as one...but maybe i should just accept it because all the neon blinking caps-locked signs are pointing to fangirl) but anyways, Taylor posted this tweet: "she makes beauty look effortless." which is obviously not about me so i am jealous of whoever it is about. if it is about someone. of course it is, he is a 21 year old guy.

right don't remind me about the significant age difference. and how appropriate i am listening to R5's song "wishing i was 23" okay, i don't wish i was 23 but 21 would be nice, or make Taylor and Riker 18 or 19.

i'm just thinking about all the other girls who are out there that are just like me. watching videos. listening to music. thinking about different scenarios. getting pumped up for the concert. they love Taylor and Riker and the rest of R5 just as much as i do, if not more. we all have dreams of being best friends with them, if not more. but what are the odds of that happening? slim to none. i mean i went to freaking Disneyland with Taylor and we still aren't friends, he doesn't even follow me on twitter or instagram. we are blessed if he likes a photo we tag him in. so i really should stop thinking about...what if? i'll just be disappointed in the end.

where do fangirls go after they are done fangirling? do they always love their band? what happens when they are happily married? would they still want to be "Mrs." whoever? or have they moved on? or do they realize that they never really knew the guys they thought they did. ahh, i don't want to marry them. i don't want to marry anyone. i mean, i want to get married eventually, but i don't know to who yet. and i'm questioning the whole marriage thing now thanks to my parents. but back to the point. what is the point? that the life of a fangirl is hard. or what is the life of a fangirl? i'm new to this.

i don't want to over think it. this is what i want to do. i want to have my crush on Taylor and my crush on all the members of R5 (um yes, Rydel too). i don't want to think of it beyond that. i love their music. and i love who they are even more so. or who i think they are, which i hope is pretty accurate (and just throwing this out there, i would love to find out if i am or am not accurate but that's back to my previous point). and i want to get super excited when i meet them and take their pictures and have them sign stuff and i want to be really excited like getting one picture with them and getting their signature really means something. (which it might not, i mean, what really is a signature? i would much rather a few hours getting to know each other with the possible exchange of twitters/instagrams/numbers) and i want to sing their songs on the top of my long while jumping up and down in a sea of other girls doing the same thing. (okay i would prefer a serenade versus a concert but i do love concerts)

okay now i need to stop thinking about this, because i am overthinking it. i'm going to go back to my fangirling and watch youtube videos of the warblers so i can see Riker and old videos of Taylor on AGT and maybe i'll even watch Austin and Ally even though that might be one of the worst shows in existence, but i love Ross!

peace out, this has been a true account from a fangirl. (real fangirls might be mad at me for identifying as a fangirl since i am not at their level. i'm sorry! don't hate me!)

I'm literally lying in my bed refreshing my instagram and twitter to see if Taylor or any of the r5 members have posted anything about the concert tonight. It was Taylor's first one on tour since agt. I am also refreshing tumblr because one girl who went to the concert is postin pictures and I asked her how it was so I'm waiting for a response.

Ahh I just wish I was there. I mean, I wish I was hanging out with Taylor and r5. I am such a fan girl. But I love it.

i'm so selfish.
there was a tragedy today in Conneticut where innocent elementary school children were killed. and here i am. i just read a note that one of the boys wrote before he was killed and i'm crying. i can't even think about it. i'm going to start crying even more. i really need sleep.

some days just aren't that good of days.

another reason why i am selfish. right before i was going to post this, i thought about what other people would think about me when they read this (like if it is ever published). wow, molly, think about someone else for once.

i need sleep.

sorry, i'm very moody recently.
my family has had three weeks to cope with everything when i was at school not thinking about it. but still they aren't that good either. maeve cried today when she saw that i had decorated everything. then later that day she said she was the happiest she had been in a month. we really are like a train wreck at my house. we are trudging through though and trying. it's just so hard to be so strong all the time.
and i don't know why i don't want to do anything. like i'm just sitting at home really but i feel like i shouldn't be anywhere else. like i shouldn't be having fun when this is happening. not really but something like that. i don't know, i have all these weird sickening feelings that i'm not used to.

but i just need to focus on the R5&TM concert. mommy got this email from Taylor's manager, Marisa (who is awesome):

Nancy,

You and the girls (will your husband be joining as well?) are set for both the Boston & NYC shows for whatever you need. Have you already gotten tickets? Or do we need to include you on the list? 

We will be sure to also set aside some time before both shows or whichever of your choosing to visit with Taylor. I've cc'ed Amudha who will help coordinate. 

Amudha -- Please make sure Nancy and her family are taken care of. Thanks, Nancy, and I hope you ladies have a wonderful time! 

Very best

ahh so i'm excited. and then Maeve was saying "what are we going to talk about or say" to which mommy was saying how Taylor and I would talk and have plenty to talk about and how they can just be the two little sisters. I really hope that is the case. I was telling myself that I just have to pretend like we are best friends and talk like we are catching up. How was your first show? Are you excited for the rest of the show? Okay, be honest, tell me what R5 is really like. And just being excited and open and talkative and happy. I really hope it goes well. And can I just share some more of my hopeful thoughts? Okay so Taylor and I will hit it off right away and he will want to stay in touch (as in maybe follow me on twitter or instagram, or maybe even numbers which would practically complete my life) and then maybe he will ask what we are doing after the show to which i was say, we have nothing really planning why do you ask? to which he would say, well if you are interested you could join us in times square to grab a bite to eat. and then i would be like, well my sisters might be too tired but my dad is okay with it, they could go back with the hotel with him and i could hang out with you guys as long as you could get me back to my hotel. and then i could just party with the band all night. be a groupie, yeah? XD

i know, i know. realistically this is what would probably happen. somehow we will be escorted to meet Taylor before the show. he will ask us some questions, i will try to ask him some questions. it will be sufficiently awkward. maybe we will catch a glance of R5. then we will go and watch the show and have a fun time singing along and bopping around. then i will go back to the hotel with my family without any word from Taylor or R5. and then the same thing will happen at the Boston show. but maybe i can make the most out of those two talks. i want to be friends with that goofball. he acts like he is a cool LA upandcoming star, but i know he is still the same goofy kid that was on America's Got Talent. which is why he is so awesome.

but you know, anything can happen.

i just have to hold onto Taylor and R5 and my X-Factor lovlies (I've been listening to Fifth Harmony's version of Anything Can Happen and Emblem 3's versions of Hey Judge and Baby, I Love You Way) and they will get me through. only 4 days until I get to see Taylor and R5!

am I a bad person? i am trying to think of reasons why i can't hang out with josh on sunday. yeah i'm a bad person. and i'm a tired person. i feel like everything is falling apart. i want to sleep.

crying. i want to be back at babson. please let me go back. it's too hard to be strong here.

watching Kurt and Blaine scenes on glee now make me sick.

seeing my dad makes me sick.

being home makes me sick.

i forgot all my camis and all my pjs at school because i was rushing to pack. i also forgot my camera. i don't have a closet.

welcome home molly.

Today is just sucking. I missed the shuttle to get to Wellesley because I wanted to send in my resume for this job. So now we are really late for our lesson so I don't even want to deal with that. As soon as we get there we are going to have to be rushing which sucks. And then I got an email back from the woman I emailed about the job and she already hired someone. So I was late for no reason. And now I don't have a job. I could email the mail room but I don't really want to work there. But I don't know of any other on campus jobs. So I could bring my car with me and get a job off campus. And then later today I have to work on the business plan because we didnt get funding the first time. So I have to do that and I'll have to work with Joe who I don't want to deal with. And then finals stress. I need to start studying. I just want to be home but once I get home I have to deal with the messy parents stuff and the fact that my dog has diabetes and my horse is lame. I want to just sleep and do nothing else. And now I have a headache from writing this in the car on my phone