hi so it is past midnight and I am still awake. it tried to go to sleep at like 10:30 but couldn't fall asleep and kept getting up trying again and here I am. I was up at 7am this morning so I could finish my poetry portfolio which was due at noon today. I was planning on doing it yesterday but I was so hung over I couldn't focus until the evening. yeah I got super drunk and I really can't remember anything except throwing up in Roxy's room and not wanting to leave Roxy's room and then being back in my room sobbing in my bed and talking with Ellie and Amelie. so that was fun. and I text Hanson at one point to respond to his text if there was anything still going on. and apparently I took lots of pictures with exchange students and I honestly don't remember a lot of the party. and I felt like crap the next day. but I guess it was fun? not really but I didn't want to have to worry about anything.

now I won't let myself relax and fall asleep. like I am physically keeping myself clenched up and tight like I am worried about what I have to do. but really I can relax. I finished all my assignments. i'm not going to worry or work on ADE anymore, and then that presentation is Tuesday. and then my other final is Thursday. yes I have other meetings and stuff but I am pretty much done. maybe the whole moving to Ireland thing is worrying me. but I am going to talk to Grandma tomorrow and hopefully that will help ease some of my worries. but after graduation I literally only have a week before I am off to Ireland. and I am already having meetings with one of my new bosses because I got myself two internships for Ireland because why not. and I really can't just let myself relax so I can fall asleep. like I just keep constantly thinking. and for some reason I was thinking it would be a good idea to text Prateek so maybe i'll do that at some point if I still feel like it then. and I know I shouldn't be bumming about Hanson but I still am and I can't wait to just be done here and move on so I can leave all the worries and stress and anxiety from this place behind so I can only focus on the worries and stress and anxiety of the next chapter instead of having to think about all of it. so close. so close. Dana is visiting tomorrow and then Sunday i'm dog sitting and have an ADE meeting and FME review session then Monday I have a lunch meeting and then i'm babysitting and I think I maybe have a meeting in the morning too and then maybe something in the evening. and then Tuesday if the FME final and then I think I have something after, I can just see blocks on my calendar in my memory, and then Wednesday I am babysitting, and then Thursday is my modern drama final, and then Friday we are going to Maine to Mike's lake house a bunch of us which will be interesting, and we will be there until Monday morning when I come back to campus and then it's senior week, which Hanson is doing but Terrence is not. which makes me sad because I really like Terrence and talking to him and hanging out with him, he just always makes sense and is so calm and cool.

how can I get myself to relax and stop thinking about everything and go to sleep?

I have a bunch of pictures of how I want my hair cut, short above the shoulder. and because this is what my life is now, my plan is to not post any pictures of it until Ireland and then get an awesome picture of me there and switch my facebook profile picture, cover phone, and all my info there in a big switch to the "new me" now living in Ireland. I was starting to have second thoughts about cutting my hair earlier but then I happened to stumble upon a video of Kayli cutting her hair so then I looked up pictures and now I am excited again. but my big short hair reveal might not work if I decide to go to Emily's graduation party which would be the sunday before I leave for Ireland - which will probably be the Monday or Tuesday immediately after. if I decide to go to the party, I might be ready to just leave everyone behind and spend another day with my family.

ah I really need to stop thinking and worrying about all of this. I am going to go get my water and then hopefully i'll be able to fall asleep this time. i'll just have to force myself to. I really am exhausted, at least I can sleep in tomorrow because Dana isn't going to be here until 3ish.

well here is to being done with classes forever (maybe) and almost being done with college. yippee.

so I am exhausted but I couldn't fall asleep and it is really hot in here so I am now writing.

tomorrow is my last day of classes. that doesn't seem real and it hasn't sunk in that it isn't just my last day of classes, it could be my last day of classes ever. I still have a bunch more things to do this week so it isn't that real yet. and I am still worrying about a bunch of things. I haven't been able to take a second and breath and realize I am done with college. I did it. I got through all the work and stress and everything. ah crazy.

and the fact that I am moving to Ireland isn't real yet. but I am starting to worry about that stuff. like if my grandma will be okay health wise and if I am going to have to take care of her and be responsible for her and how that living situation will work. and that is going to go so much sooner than expected. and I have been running around trying to get my passport sorted out which still isn't even applied yet so I will probably be traveling without it which is kind of sad but at least I will have it eventually after I get there.

I am trying to enjoy myself and relax. yesterday I had a fun day with Michelle doing work in a coffee shop and revising my poems and then we went shopping and then to a jazz café with the boy she is dating and his friends (he has a girlfriend so it wasn't like a double date thing).

things with ellie and I are still kind of weird but they are okay so I am just trying to make it through without any blowups for the last three weeks we have together.

i'll be sad when counseling is done because I really like going and talking with Shannon.

I also had an adventure with hanson and Terrence to go to a poetry reading which was interesting. they are hilarious together, like an old married couple. but they both have other love interests than me which is good so I don't have to worry about that.

ah I can't wait to just be done. i'm so close. but then i'll wish I could come back to these days.

but cool maybe I can try to get some sleep now. and then have my last day of classes. go through the motions and routine again like I do, not realizing or comprehending that is the last time i'll do it.

so today took an unexpected turn - actually not all that unexpected.

I went and found the pony hedge, which I loved. then when I came back to the dorm, Amelie wasn't there, and ellie was in her room. and I could hear her either getting on or off or moving on her bed. so I waited a minute and then just went into my room. and then ellie came out later and was in the common area. and then Amelie came back and now Amelie is on the phone.

I know ellie is now waiting for me to come out, because she heard I didn't use the bathroom before. but I don't want to talk to her or have to act all nice and happy and try to reassure her that I don't hate her. so I think I am just going to stay in here and try to fall asleep while I still have to pee. so cool. maybe it would make my life easier to just go and talk now and be nice and social, like what is expected of me, but I don't want to. just counting down the days until I can leave here please.

i am having a panic attack right now. my chest is tight i am breathing heavy. i feel so much pressure and expectation and i can't deal. now i am crying. and i just want to scream. and i want to run away and just get away from all of this. i don't want to do anything

chest tightening, breath quicken.
i need to run. i need to get away.
all the pressure,
expectations,
encircles me and starts
constricting, grabbing
me and yelling at me
surrounding me, tightens
and demands. i can't
calm down. i need to
get away. screaming,
crying, trying to push
this pressure away.
get off of me.
please leave me alone.

the boa constrictor usually stays
to himself. i can see him, patiently
waiting. he never leaves, always
there.

when i'm not looking, or even
when i am. he slithers closer
and start moving up my leg,
wrapping himself in
circles.

he moves up past my hip
and begins to encircle my
chest, tightening. he tightens.
constricts and controls me.
calm down, i can't
breath.

he keeps grabbing, demanding
me. he always wants more,
never enough. more
pressure.

then he leaves, and i relax.
breathing not quiet
the same, but better.
i see him still,
waiting.

and also Abby fucking posted on the senior group page. she cares enough to congratulate everyone on whatever the fuck they are doing in their lives - graduating college, having babies, getting married, Fucking being alive - but she doesn't care enough about me to talk to me or give a damn about my life. so fuck you, you're fat and been with the same fucking guy since 7th grade, and dropped out of high school and now i am crying because i want to feel like i am better than you but i'm not and i really just want to talk to you. or talk to josh. but i can't. because you both hate me. and now i'm sobbing again. what have i done where i have no friends. i pushed them all away. great job molly, great fucking job.

I paid 20 dollars to go to spring concert stay for like an hour and half and leave right after the main act come on to come back to my room and cry.

I was not drunk enough to enjoy that. everyone was just dancing aka grinding up on either other and making out and pushing. and i just felt invisible. and then roxy was with mike and Amelie was with Isaac so i just felt so alone. and i am like what the hell. why do i not have a guy interested in me. i felt like crap. and when i came back even Emily Morrison had a guy. i literally just want someone interested. why does no one like me. i don't understand. am i not pretty? am i not nice? or have a good enough personality? like what is wrong with me? i honestly have not had a guy interested in me really since josh. except for Michele who was weird. and a guy i met on a dating app so obviously he was interested in only one thing. and i guy i met a bar who also wasn't really interested in me.

like i thought it was refreshing to meet dan but he hasn't opened my snaps or snapped back so he isn't actually interested in me and even if he is he is all the way in Atlanta so what is going to happen with that - nothing.

so i am literally sitting in my room by myself crying while the majority of campus is at spring concert having a fun time. and i am about to go watch the little rascals. i could go to sleep. but i am holding out hope that maybe someone will want to talk to me or hang out with me. i sent roxy away to go hang out with mike. she needs to spend more time with him. and i told Amelie go to follow Isaac as he went into the crowd because he needed her and he gets priority over her. so i walked back to my suite by myself following freaking Emily Morrison who was walking back with someone she was about to hook up with. so what the hell is wrong with me.

and i am about to stay up and keep checking my freaking phone to see if hanson or dan opened my snaps or gives a damn about me. even though i know they don't. so i really should just go to bed and give the fuck up. and marco obviously doesn't care about me either, he told me there was someone else he was interested in at babson but he wouldn't tell me who and then he left and then when he saw me later he just took my hat and left again so it obviously isn't me because then he would have spent time with me and tried to hang out with me more.

so i just suck basically. i really should just go to bed and not watch little rascals even though i kind of want to because i know that if i stay up ill just continue the pity party for myself. which is stupid. i had enough alcohol to make all my true depressing feelings towards myself come out but not enough alcohol to enjoy myself and not care that i'm a fucking fifth wheel and no one likes me.

fuck me. not actually, please can someone fuck me.

i'm so ready to chop off all my hair and move to some new place.

but until then, now I have a meeting.

isn't it kind of exciting to think about who you have met in the past who will come back into your life and play a bigger part? like once I get out of college I will get to travel and then other people travel and you never know who you will run into or who you will end up in the same area in. so I am kind of excited for that.

oh hey want to see another poem I wrote? in poetry class we had to write the longest sentence ever that is still grammatically correct. and it had to have two turns in it and it could be on anything. and then we had to turn it into an imitation poem of Linda Gregerson's style. so this what I ended up with. if Dan and I actually end up being friends i'll share it with him. but still going strong on the snap game with him.

My Trip to Atlanta

My throat hurt and bothered me all week like a constant

                                                          reminder
                        that I didn’t really belong there,
 

just as soon as I relaxed the scratching would pop up

                                                            again
                       until one night I was able to forget,

thanks to Dan who volunteered to be our tour

                                                            guide
                        around Atlanta, which I was grateful
 

for because he showed me that I could make new

                                                            friends
                        quickly and connect with someone
 

beyond the same group of friends I’ve had for

                                                            years
                        who make me worried that I’m suck
 

and no one else will ever be interested in getting to

                                                            know me,
                        as if I’ve found my people and that’s it
 

but in 37 days I’ll be on an adventure full of

                                                            new
                        people and places. Dan showed me
 

that there is always another friend out there waiting to

                                                            meet me.


I was super excited when I finished it but just reading that I think I might want to make it so it is not so obvious and talk more about what he showed me in Atlanta, not just jumping right to the point. oh the life of a poet.

(this should be posted before the last one. I had wrote it as a word doc and couldn't post it then)

okay 11:08pm on 4/4/16 blog post:

I am currently in Atlanta at a diversity abroad conference. which is kind of pushing me to think about race and diversity – because honestly I’m not that diverse. but seeing what kind of daily struggles and experiences people go through because of their identity is pretty powerful and eye opening. I will never understand a lot of what they are talking about. but I admire them ten fold.

but overall the conference isn’t all that beneficial because a lot I sort of already know or it is geared towards students working in the public sectors or public policy/health or other careers completely internationally focused. I’m not sure how much I have really learned or gained other than what I spoke about above. but it is cool to hear from some people about what they have done and how entrepreneurship is a big trend and about them reiterating the skills that we need to be able to articulate about study abroad. so I do want to sit down and figure out what my skills are in a way where I can list them and talk about them and give examples where I demonstrated those skills.

I also want to try to figure out if I want to do Spotify or this internship in Ireland (although my dad can’t find his birth certificate so I might not be able to) or go to new Zealand or go to Nashville or teach abroad or do something completely else. these are the decisions that will define the rest of my life and the path I will take. I am sure they are all great paths and I will lead a happy fulfilling life but they are all very different paths. so I really need to do some soul searching and figure out what I want to do. I also have to hear back from Spotify, who I poked today, but have not heard back from.

so I am thinking instead of going to new York with ellie and Amelie, which would be fine but I just don’t want to do, I am thinking of going to the cape by myself and turning off all social media and just being myself and writing and reading and doing some school work and just figuring out who I am and what I want to do. that wouldn’t be this weekend but next.

but I am so lucky to be at this conference. babson is paying for everything. I had a great meal at a Japanese restaurant. I went swimming in the pool and the hot tub Jacuzzi. Allana is great and I am enjoying hanging out with her for these few days. and I get away from school for a few extra days and it is great. and I get to think about travel and different cultures the whole time. so that is pretty special as well.

hi I want to tell you about my Atlanta adventures but I am kind of tired and it's only 9:30.

anyways it ended with the last night hitting up some bars and flirting with a cute guy. who afterwards I end up snapping: "sad to say goodbye, you are fun & attractive, thanks for bringing us around and hanging out" to which he responded something like "damn, I feel the same way. I wish you were here." and I told him he has to come visit MA and I tried to get him to drive me to the airport but that didn't work. and then he just sent me a snap of him in a silly filter so I sent back a map of finding a cache in Georgia that I found with him. and that's all.

well there is a lot more but now I don't really feel like writing. I should go to sleep. i'm still kind of sick. okay bye.

hi so developments in Molly's life. I have an essay due tomorrow at midnight that I just started to today. I have finished 2 out of the 5 tags. tonight I have to do an all night dance party. and then tomorrow i'm flying to Atlanta. so my bare minimum goal is that I finish 3 tags today and then finish the other two tomorrow during my flights and at the hotel. cool.

what do I have to do:
- watch the webinar?
- pack
- plan this seminar somewhat
- email people about Scalefunder
- email ADE team about next steps
- write poems
- read play for MD

okay.

also so yesterday when I was doing laundry I ran into Hanson and he asked if I was going out and I said I was and he was like "yes!" and that was that. so I went out in hopes of seeing him. (he broke up with his girlfriend if that was unclear). and then I told Ellie this at some point during the night. so she called him and asked if he was coming. what a wing woman. so him and Terrence came. and some how I ended up talking to him a lot. snapshots from the conversation: him on tinder, that I have been on dates from dating apps, that my life is messed up and he will learn about it during the poetry workshop, my face when he read the poem about breaking up with his girlfriend, getting him to add me on snapchat, and then somehow I found out that Terrance played chello and had a recital today so it ended up with us going to their suite so Terrance could play chello for us. so he did and it was really good. and then we were all in the common room for a while and Hanson played his uke. and then Raphael who had followed me and Ellie was throwing up in the bathroom so I had to take him and gave him to another exchange student. and then Ellie and I went upstairs to get ready for bed. I am in my pjs and my glasses and Ellie says that Hanson texted the two of us (my phone is not working) asking if we were in map. Ellie says yes, why? and he says he is bored, so she tells him to come up. so he comes and hangs out with me and Ellie in our common area. and I think we talk about some post-grad stuff and I don't know what else. and then it ends with him letting me know I have the best credit card and then he leaves and I have a miserable night of sleep because I am drunk and sick. and then at some point during the night I make myself throw up because I am so dizzy and can't sleep. and then eventually I get up and then I've spent my whole day in the library trying to write this essay and figuring out what to do with my phone.

and oh I found out Hanson is going to Atlanta on Wednesday when I am coming home so I won't see him until next Sunday. so cool. anyways I don't know what that whole night was. but it was fun and cool. now I am going to look up what I had wrote about Hanson when I was crushing hard core sophomore year. and then back to my essay to try to write one more tag.