i just watched the documentary Mortifed Nation, it's about this type of show where people read diary or journal entries from when they were young. it made me laugh and cry and i really liked it. especially because here i am writing in my diary...well blog because i'm cool and all grown up here in the 2010s. no old fashioned journals. but the fact that i have stuff from January 2009 until now. i was 14 then and now i'm 19, almost 20. i'm almost done with my teenager years! i have almost my entire teenage existence in blog form. so in theory i could do that Morified thing and be a reader and could be reading this out loud to an audience right now...i mean like in years from now. but if i am. i want to say hi, this is 19 year old Molly writing from Nashville. today she did absolutely nothing. she was going to go to the beach with her roommate, but then she never came back after church and then the other roommate mentioned it but she was PMSing and needed a lazy day. and i didn't want to drive to the beach by myself because i didn't know the people we were meeting there well enough. so i literally have not left this house all day and have spent the majority of it on my bed. wow. you are really living life Molly.

okay seriously though. sorry if i am reading this out loud, i can't address you now, i realized i have bigger more important things to talk about right now. i can just imagine you guys reading this out loud and laughing but you don't know what tone of voice i'm writing this in...that sounds stupid too. i'm realizing how everything i'm writing right now will be twisted and will be hilarious in 10 years from now. but it's not funny right now. this is my life. okay let me just write and get everything off my chest.

okay so life in Nashville isn't all that great right now. i love the city itself because it isn't all city and it's hard to explain. but i love the city. but my internship is kind of boring and i'm afraid that i'm not learning all that i need to. but at least i feel like i am learning something...maybe. and i have nothing better to do than to be there so that makes the tedious tasks seem a bit better at least. but when i am not at the internship i have nothing to do unless one of my roommates invites me to do something. so on the days when they don't invite me to something i usually try to go and do something myself. i've been really good at that. i have went to a park and read and then walked around the town one day, another i went to a farmer's market, another i went to centennial park for musicians corner, yesterday i went to another park and had a picnic and hiked. but yesterday. i felt so alone. it was a really cool park, tons of trails and it was huge. i walked off the path and found a field and tucked myself in a corner so no one could see me unless they walked the way i did, which no one would do since they all stick to the paths. so i stayed there for hours eating and reading my book. i made a bad attempt at connecting to Zach since i was wearing his shirt. i snapped him and in my head i was hoping for him to be like "where are you?! let's go do something!" or "when can we hang out?!" but he just did a generic snap back like "my girl!" and when i responded with "hope you're feeling better!" i got no response. i guess i expected for him to contact me and want to hang out. i mean he was in chicago and then home and then sick. so maybe he is still sick or i haven't given him enough time and he is going to. but it's already June, May is gone. but he is flying home with me in less than two weeks. so either he will step up before then or that's when i'll get to hang out with him when i'm on a plane on my way home where i have people to hang out and who know me and i don't really need him. whereas here in Nashville, i need him. actually i don't, i am doing fine on my own. oh okay but after i sat there forever i started to hike back to my car and i was just feeling so alone. and then i got to the road and i paused for a second because i wasn't sure way to turn and a man and his dog ran passed me and he got a little ways away and he stopped and turned around and asked me if i was good. and i quickly said yeah i was fine and he kept going. but then i started to cry. this man cared enough to stop and ask if i was okay when no one else really did or cared. no one knew where i was. i realized that if anything happened to me...no one would really know. my roommates might wonder where i was but i don't know if they would do anything. and if i had died over where i was reading earlier no one would find me for a long time because no one would have walked over there (maybe a bad decision on my part). but i really was just in a bad place as i was walking back to my car (i took the wrong path earlier so it was a bit of a hike to get back...actually a hike up a huge hill). i was feeling really alone. but then i saw a deer and it was a magically moment as i was able to walk pretty close and she was just staring at me. anyways not the greatest day in the park. but afterwards when i was home, Erin invited me to go to a bbq which ended up to be pretty fun and okay. and then i was supposed to go to the lake and hang out with the same people today but Erin sort of bailed on me...no hard feelings there really because we never actually said it definite but i was under the impression that is what we were going to do. but whatever. maybe for some reason i wasn't supposed to be at the lake and it was better that way. i have realized though that the way i seem to make friends is by just having multiple interactions with them at different times and talking to them more and more until i feel comfortable around them. it just takes a long time. so i'm pretty lonely. oh and also the not going to the lake thing is kind of annoying because there was a church get together that i was thinking about going to myself but didn't end up doing because i forgot about it because i thought i was going to the lake. but honestly i was looking for a reason why i couldn't go. and also, Megan and Liz are having an EP release party on Tuesday night that i want to go to. because i have seen them live before and i really like them and i never get to go to things like this when i'm home. and i'm here and can go see them! and it's at a venue that i went to last week so i am familiar with it! the problem is that i have no friends to go with. Kristian is away for the week, i mentioned it to Summer but i am not sure how she is feeling about it. so my plan is to ask Esther and Maghan and if they are interested. most likely not but if they are then cool. and then i'll mention it to Zach, and i'm assuming he will say no but then i will ask about his CMA weekend plans and see if i maybe can hang out with him for some of that. and i most likely will end up going to the EP release party by myself but that's cool too. i will miss church for it but i was going to have to go to church by myself since Kristian isn't here this week. and then also even if Zach doesn't want to hang out with me for CMA fest I am planning on just going myself everyday next weekend because i need to do stuff. that is unless i have job working at Nashville Shores, which i still haven't heard back from. i would love to just know yes or no so i can start planning accordingly.

but honestly if i am paying $700 a month to just stay in my bedroom all day, i could have done that at home for free. so i need to get my butt in gear and start meeting people and making friends. easier said than done. i don't even know what i am going to do tomorrow. i need to do something.

but i am learning how to cook stuff and i am doing pretty well for myself. i cook basically everyday. oh i do need to go grocery shopping tomorrow so i'll do that. exciting stuff. i hope that i am learning something and gaining something. at my internship the other day one of the guys asked me what i had learned and i honestly didn't have a good answer. and also what was the most fun part. and i also didn't have a good answer. but then i listened in on the marketing meeting and decided that was my favorite part. but also made me realize that the record labels need to change what they are doing or they are going to die. they are still just making and selling records and they make their money from people buying albums. but no one is buying albums anymore. so they will go out of business unless they do something different. and i'm hoping i'll be that something different one day and will lead the way of the music business. that's my dream.

also just to rub it into my face that i'm alone, Summer has her boyfriend Ben over so i get to hear them laughing and giggling and it just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. oh wait it doesn't. it makes me want to hide in my room and not talk to anyone. great job at being a loner, Molly. really glad you decided to come to Nashville so you can hide in your room. wow. i just realized i really wasted today. today was the first day that i wasted completely. i don't have a ton of time here and now that's one day completely gone. i won't let that happen again. i'll figure out something to do tomorrow. even though it makes me so uncomfortable to go out and do things by myself. but by the end of this trip i'll be an old pro at it. forever alone in Nashville.