hi so i just wanted the Ed Sheeran MTV documentary and now i'm listening to his album which i actually pre-ordered on iTunes, which i never buy anything from iTunes anymore (actually I just bought PrincessTard's single too but that was the first in a long time). anyways i'm very proud of him and extremely happy for him. i just had a thought which wasn't what i was going to write about but how many other guys are just like him that worked hard and did exactly what he did but didn't become famous?

i want to be a part of a story like Ed's. i want to help make a musician successful. whether that be Taylor's or someone else's. i just want to find the right person and stick with them and help them reach the audience and the success that they deserve. in the documentary Ed's manager and his wife were like Ed's parents and honestly i wouldn't mind being a babysitter or parents for the right person or band that i fully believed in. i feel like i do that a lot already, putting other people first. i don't know.

anyways life has slowed down. yesterday i did go to a little show at Mellow Mushroom to see Jenna and she was singing with a kid named Sam who is very attractive and a very good singer but he is also an asshole - Erin told me what he did to another one of her friends. so i can't pursue that at all. but then after that show we went to the bbq i told you about before.

today i have stayed inside all day. i was going to go to a show tonight but we found out it was 21 plus so i stayed home and watched the documentary on Ed instead. which i am actually not bummed about. earlier when i was doing dishes i was like...i decide if i want to be upset and annoyed by something. i could be sad and upset about the fact that i have been alone and in my room all day or i can embrace being alone and who i am and what i am doing and just rock it. i'm a 19 (almost 20) year old who is on her own in Nashville and i'm figuring it out and yeah i spend some days all alone in my room but some days i go and put myself out there. some of those days i am quiet and in my shell and awkward but other days i start to blossom and i meet some great people and i am myself. i don't really know what i am doing here. sure, i am not really working but i go to my internship and i work there. i do what i am supposed to and try to help and i try to learn and i hope that it will bring me to great places in the future. i don't know what i am going to do in the future but i am here in Nashville to help set myself up for greatness. i am doing all i can to help my future and figure it out.

i am a strong woman. i am okay with being alone. i am comfortable with the fact that i don't know everything and that i am figuring life out. i am working on allowing myself to be myself. i am trying not to be so hard on myself and to just let things go without replying them in my head and making myself feel bad about myself.

i just looked and i have on iTunes the deluxe version of Ed's first album + too and now i have x as well.

it's okay that i don't really have any friends. Erin has been great and i am so grateful for her but i'm not her only friend and she was doing fine without me. and there are a ton of people who are nice to me and who i appreciate but i know that i am not a priority to them and that they don't really care what happens to me and that after i leave Nashville they will most likely forget all about me. well until i am managing the biggest act in the world and i start my own business that revolutionizes the music industry.

what else haven't i talked about? my weekend home. let's just say Taylor is awesome when he pays attention to you and lets you into his little world. like when he took Maeve, Maura, and I out to dinner. but other than that. like when Ellie and Amelie came over he just watched his show on his laptop and didn't even really say hi to them. they didn't really get a great impression of him. i just really hope he just starts treating people better all around. i know it is in him. but i think the stress and pressure of what he is doing might be getting to him. and then there is the whole thing with Zuri. she is great and she does so much but she is like a nagging annoying mom. and apparently she is in love with Taylor even though she is like twice his age and he is a jerk to her ususally. they spend so much time together though. but i can see that blowing up. if for some reason it did blow up and Zuri wasn't working with him any more, then maybe i could see myself touring with him in like a year or two. maybe once he grew up and figured himself out more. but then i would be afraid that i wouldn't know what i was doing. Zuri seems to have everything together and knows what to do. i have no idea. i would be a mess and would mess up so much. but i would try and i would work hard and i would learn.

it's crazy because all the people i am hanging out with here know Taylor. and they are all like friends with him and met him in the normal ways. and i am like...yeah i'm friends with him...but really i don't know if we are friends. i barely talked to him other than the dinner and we met way back when at his AGT show and then the real time because we gave him money. but if you are looking at people who influenced my life, he would be way up at the top. who would have ever guessed way back when i first started watching him on AGT. i think i am going to watch some of those old videos after this.

and then Zach is awesome but i wish i had talked to him more. i still feel like we aren't that close. but i guess i have to remember that i make friends by hanging out with someone multiple times in different situations and blah blah. but i am thankful that he was there and i was able to fly with him. i don't think i will ever date him though. while he is great and i really like him i don't know if it would work. of course if he suddenly showed an interest in me, that would be a different story. i am probably just saying that to protect myself since he has not shown any interest at all. which is fine. i just need to go out and meet new people. well since i haven't seen him since our trip home and i'm pretty sure the only reason i saw him before we left was because he realized he should probably see me before our flight. i am not counting on seeing him again unless my mom and sisters come down when he is here. i was hoping he would invite me to things and introduce me to his friends and all but i have only met his roommate Jordan because he drove us to the airport and his friend Ellie who he wrote the song Love Lost and Found about - which i am super pumped i met her because it puts more meaning in the song - but she wasn't really interested in talking to me and all so that's fine. maybe it's just as well i don't get involved in Zach's life here and i just build my own. even though that hasn't been working out all that great.

stop molly. i started to be hard on myself and spin down into that sad spiral. crap it's still happening. i don't know why. what happens is that i just get frustrated at myself for not...basically for not being better. but i need to stop. i am doing fine here. i am doing better than fine, i am doing well. yes, i had a slum day today and yes, i don't really have friends but friends take time molly. and molly, tomorrow you have your internship then you can go to church at the belonging if you want and there will be people you know there (i am kind of afraid to go there myself though because i most likely will get there late, sit by myself, and then just leave before anyone sees me. maybe i'll text people and see if they are going) and then wednesday you'll work and then you have girl's night and then if you want Nate is having a show you could probably go to with Erin and then Thursday you work and then Ellie is here and you'll go to movies in the park. and then Friday is your birthday and i have no idea what i am going to do. i was debating inviting people to go out to dinner but i am afraid no one would come or it would be awkward and not fun since i am not really close to anyone. and then Saturday there is a show i'm going to bring Ellie too. and then i believe she leaves Sunday and we might go to Lexington too but that's like 3 hours away so we will see if that happens or not.

i feel like i have more to write but my head just kind of hurts. i think i might just go on tumblr and not think. i don't even really feel like watching old Taylor videos. or maybe i'll go to sleep but then i'll think too before i fall asleep. i don't know. i'm tired. okay i'm done.