hi so it's been non stop since i got back from home. like crazy. today is the first time i've had time to sit down and go on my laptop. what have i done? well i got back at like 12:30pm Monday night. worked Tuesday then went to Church which went late, like we got there at 7:30 and were there until 11:00. and then Wednesday I worked until 6 then went to girls night for 7, and then to a show at 9, and then hung out at a girl named Rebecca's house until late and i wasn't in bed until 2am. and then Thursday I worked again and then we went and hung out at movies in the park and saw anchorman. and then this morning i woke up at 7am and went to help at the horse camp and didn't get back until 2pm and now i've just been sitting around because i'm exhausted. i'm not complaining. this is awesome having so much to do. i love it. i love being busy as long as i have time like today to relax as well. i'm crashing early and relaxing tomorrow morning as well and then i have a birthday party to go to...woooo!

i don't even know where to start or what i want to talk about. so much as happened. i don't even know what the last thing i told you was. i'm feeling really overwhelmed right now. even though i am just chilling in my bed, just so much going on.

okay in case you think that i'm all big and grown up and living in Nashville and so cool and friends with all these musicians - let me tell you how i'm still a big fangirl and lame-o. so i went to Rebecca's house on Wednesday and there were a bunch of people there. but there was one extremely cute boy, Julian. apparently his parents are famous or something but i really could not care less about that. he was very attractive. probably the most attractive guy i've seen since i've been in Nashville and he is actually close to my age. so of course i stalked him on facebook. and he is a singer of course and he has one song for free download or whatever. so guess what i'm listening to on repeat right now? it is really good though.

you know what i just remembered? listening to Taylor's song on his website over and over again and look how that turned out. so maybe i won't just be a creepy girl and one day Julian and I will laugh about this. hahahaha maybe not.

but also can i say how annoying it is to be under 21 here. on that Wednesday night at Rebecca's was the first time people sort of made a big deal of it though, like just making jokes or whatever. which was completely fine, but i just wanted a beer. so i had one even though it sort of became a big deal that they were supporting underage drinking. they have no idea what went on a college. and the thing is i'm smart. i wasn't driving. i was in a house with like 7 other people with Erin who i trusted and it was one very weak beer. which i didn't even feel at all. so it wasn't a big deal. i know how to be careful. and in a little more than two months i'm going to be in China where i'm legal so i might as well get ready. and it is really just annoying that i can't get into places because i'm under 21. it's like let me hang out with my friends!

okay now i'm going to be all philosophical and smart sounding because i think i might post this on my other public blog.

Until recently, I guess I was under the impression that I would go to college and when I graduate I would have a nice shiny job and my life would be all figured out and I would be all set. It wasn't like anyone told me this or that I really thought about it, but isn't that what we are working for in college? Get good grades, network, learn stuff so you can get a job and be successful. Now being in Nashville, I am realizing it doesn't work like that.

Everyone I hang out with here is at least two years older than me, most around four years or more. And you know what? They don't have it figured out. They are all in different parts of their lives. Touring, struggling musician, nanny, waitressing. Some are moving, thinking about marriage, wanting to get into relationships, going through big transitions, or just sort of stuck. But they don't have it figured out.

I feel like I should have already know this. I tell my mom all the time that "We will figure it out" and Taylor is on the "Making It Up As We Go" tour. I think I must just be grasping it now. I'm still sort of working stuff out in my head. But it's exciting, you know, to think I have all this life in front of me and what I'm going to do with it. Where I'm going to be living and working or if I'm going to start my own job. Will I come back to Nashville? Boston? Shanghai? Or someplace completely new? It's crazy how much I want to do but the fact is that I can only take it one day at a time, one moment at a time and decide what I want to do right now.

At the same time that it is all exciting, it is also scary and sad. When I was home last weekend it was hard for me to leave. It felt like I belonged there and I was thinking what the heck am I doing out in Nashville? My internship is boring, I'm not making any money, and it feels like I'm just wasting time. But then I remembered what I came out here to do: find my purpose. While it doesn't feel like I'm really doing much of anything, I have a feeling these days are shaping me into who I will be and what I will do. I'll look back and say "When I was in Nashville for the summer...". What makes it easier though, is that since I have been back in Nashville it has felt like a home to me. My roommate picked me up from the airport and she filled me in on everything I missed and I just really enjoyed talking to her and I am glad she was there to welcome me back. And since then it has been non-stop and I have just been really enjoying myself. I am starting to find my own. Not completely yet, I am not completely comfortable and settled in - but this place is feeling like a home and I am happy to be here.

I'm just figuring things out. As hard as it is to do it, I'm out here making myself grow up, figure out who I am, and just live life.

okay end post for the public blog. and now i'm too tired to write about anything else. so that will have to be enough for you today! i'll fill out in on everything else later. i should probably turn Julian's music off repeat now...