hi. my birthday weekend is now complete. officially 20 as of last Friday. and i am exhausting. i spent the whole weekend with Ellie and it is tiring being a tour guide and having to keep someone entertained 24/7 and finding things to do to fill up the whole days. and it's hard when that person is a morning person. but i think it was a successful weekend and i am glad she came or else my birthday wouldn't have felt as special - not that it really did. but we have the same birthday and we were able to spend it together. so hopefully she enjoyed herself.

i can't remember what i was going to write about really. i am so exhausted. i am going to sleep so well tonight that i am the only one in my bed and don't have someone waking me up early or during the night. i'm going to sleep so freaking late too. i am not doing anything tomorrow either so i have that to look forward to.

um but i found out that Julian is into another girl so that's a disappointment. i think i just have to come to terms with the fact that i will be single for a while. i'm only in nashville for another month and a half. and then i'm in shanghai. then i'm home. then i'm at babson. then who knows where i'll be. that's not far to a guy anyways. and today i was thinking about how i don't want to do the whole hook-up thing either. so i would actually have to spend time with someone. it would be nice though to just have someone to talk to and go and do things with. but it is also nice to just be able to worry about myself and not have that drama and worries. so i am getting to the point where i am comfortable and happy with being single. and i'm sure as soon as i am 100% good with it will be when i meet a guy because that is how it works, right?

umm i met Jordan Gable and the kid who was playing drums for him tonight, Kevin. they both seemed really nice. and apparently Taylor had asked Jordan about part-time jobs or something for me which is nice as well.

and oh i wanted to talk about my dad too, actually had a decent phone call with him. sort of. started crying silently when he told me that initially he wanted to pay for all my college tuition at the beginning of the separation but after almost two years of negotiations and such that didn't work out. i was just like...do you realize how much less stress and worry i would have if you just did that? but for the sake of arguing and what your lawyer says you didn't? why are you even telling me that you were going to? like..."i was going to make your life so much easier...no student loans or worrying about paying for school but just kidding but lawyer said that would be stupid and i was in big arguments with your mom so nahhh" he could have been lying but who knows.

my mom sent me 20 different birthday cards each with $5 and a scratch ticket in it which was super nice and awesome. and maeve gave me a polaroid camera. and my dad got me fall out boy tickets. and my auntie julie got me $50 to starbucks and gave me $100. and ellie came down to Nashville. and that was my birthday. barely anyone posted on my facebook wall to say happy birthday. some of Ellie and mine mutual friends posted on her wall but not mine. which i didn't want to be upset or annoyed about but i kind of was...but then i have to remind myself of a quote from the fault in our stars which goes something like it's better to be loved deeply than widely. but i guess even if i'm not loved deeply either i am okay with that. i am doing my own thing and i will get to the point where i am so comfortable and strong in who i am that people will be attracted me to because i don't need them...right? i don't know...obviously not there.

um what else. i really need to sleep. hold on i want to see what i posted last year for my birthday. i didn't even post anything in June. i did post in July complaining about how i have no friends and just go home after camp and do nothing. well the only difference is now at least i go and do things - still don't have any friends really (okay, no Erin is a good friend but she is almost my roommate so she sort of has to be my friend by default. i have no real friends outside of her) and i feel the same way about being single and how it would be nice to just have someone to talk to. great. i don't even want to look at 2012's birthday because then i was in California. actually that was when i met Taylor too. and then last year Taylor called me on my birthday. and then this year i was in Nashville partly because of him. pretty cool. and last year i never would have thought that i would be here. so who knows where i will be next year.

anyways 20 years old not a teenager but still too young to drink or get in anywhere. awesome.