i wanted to sing during gym class today.

we were in the fitness room and i was listening to my ipod. i really wanted to start singing. but i didn't. god forbid if i started singing. well you know how i like to think "what if" and make up a whole story. so my little story that i had was that i would ask the whole gym class if it was okay with them if i sang. then i would ask if they would rather listen to the music too or just to my singing. then i would just sing and they would look at me strange, smile, and laugh but i would just keep on singing confidently while walking on the treadmill. i would act out some of the songs and maybe some people would sing a long with me.

why don't i do that? or what didn't i do that? to answer the second question first - i didn't think of actually singing in gym class until i was on the bus later, i never think of the good stuff while i can actually do it. but now the first question: why don't i do that? well i could but most likely i will not. next time we're in the fitness room i will probably think about it but then get really nervous and i won't do it. for me to pull that off i need to be confident. maybe if Abby was in the gym class with me i would but i don't have anyone unfortunately so i would have to do it on my own. i don't have the kind of confidence. maybe i would surprise myself. but i don't surprise myself, ever. i have myself in this sort of coffin that i can't break free from. or like i'm trapped inside a doll that everyone else sees me as, and what i see me as. oooo. i like that. and this doll is what everyone sees while the real me is hiding inside, and i keep pushing her down and telling her she doesn't exist. maybe one day she will break free.

but i do like the fitness room even though i don't sing. mostly because i get to act like a creeper without anyone knowing. hahaha. that sounds sort of bad but you know what i'm talking about. in our fitness room there is cardio on one side of the room and the weights on the other side so there is an aisle way in between. well the cardio faces the weights and the weights face the wall. but the wall isn't really a wall it's a really big mirror. so while you are there riding your bike or walking on the treadmill you are facing the mirrors and the weights so you can see everything, you can even look at the person next to you just by looking in the mirror. so while i'm walking around i watch everyone. people watching isn't that bad. especially when there are some good looking people to watch. like Paul who i think is very good looking. but he doesn't have very good taste in girls - i mean Marianne? but i won't start smashing her. also Tyler Z is cute. that is pretty much it for good looking guys i think. but hey two is better than none. if Matt Cabral wasn't there i would be happier. actually not really, i don't really like him but i don't mind him. if the two girls doing yoga on the floor in front of me weren't there then i would be happier.

i think that is all i have to say. i could talk about riding but i don't want to. i don't have my lesson until tomorrow so i won't think about it until tomorrow.

yippee!