alright soooo latest update in the soap opera that is Molly's life. Ellie talked to Emma. and then I saw Emma today. and she said that Ellie thinking about not going to Paris now because if I can't last one night with her and Amelie how will I last in Paris. well that would be my problem, not hers. and I can hold it together. or I just do things by myself.

anyways Emma recommended that I write Ellie a letter. but I know if I write a letter Ellie will still want to talk about. i'm tired now but since i'm thinking about it I guess i'll write a letter now. and probably rewrite it or edit it later.

Ellie -

I wanted to write you a letter because it's easier for me to write things out and you have said you want the truth.

What I need from my friends now is space. I know that you are there for me and if I need you, I will come to you. And if I don't come to you, that doesn't mean you're a bad friend or that something is wrong. I also don't need you to continually check up on me or let me know that you are here for me, I know that. When people push too much, I pull away. And the best way to get me to come back, is to leave me be by myself and I will come when I am ready or when I need you.

I really want to focus on myself and what I need to do to make myself better. That involves me spending a lot of time by myself, because I enjoy spending time by myself. It is not a reflection on my friends. How much time I spend with my friends does not directly correlate to how close I am with them. Also all because I am spending time alone does not mean something is wrong. I genuinely like being alone and I have not spent enough time by myself in the past, so it may seem like I'm spending a lot of time alone moving forward. I also want to spend time with people who I haven't spent a lot with because I am seeing a lot of people who I could have been good friends but I am running out of time to do so.

Me going to counseling is about me figuring myself out. It does not mean my friends failed. It means I want to talk to someone about everything that has happened in my past, everything that is happening now, and everything that is going to happen. It is about me. Not about anyone else.

I also want to be able to make plans and do whatever I want without feeling guilty if you don't have plans or feeling like I have to explain myself if I don't spend time with you. I feel like you have high expectations of me as a friend and I can't keep reaching those. I don't want to feel responsible for making sure you are happy and entertained.

Also, I heard you are thinking about not going to Paris. Please don't do that because you think I won't be able to handle hanging out with you and Amelie for a week. I know what the week will be like and I'll be prepared. I will make sure I have a good time and enjoy it.

I understand if you want to talk about this with me, or I'm comfortable just moving forward.



alright, alright. i'm going to send that to Emma and then go to bed. and then maybe edit it tomorrow and figure out what to do from there. goodnight!

alright so I talked with Ellie. as soon as she got back this morning she knocked on my door. and I said a lot of things. and she cried. and I don't feel bad at all. I think the whole thing where I don't care if we aren't friends anymore is making it kind of easier. but anyways I don't really know what she is thinking. but I am doing my own thing now. and I am going to be happy and not give a fuck.

i'm actually in a pretty good mood right now. so that's cool. I still have a lot of work to do, but I'll get it done.

I kind of hope I end up moving to New Zealand just so when people ask what I'm doing after graduation I can say "I'm moving to New Zealand and working at Universal Music" because I mean come on. oh I want to go look up flight prices.

oh hey so it's 9pm and i'm going to venture out of my room to pee and brush my teeth and then it's time for bed.

but for the record, I enjoyed being in my room by myself and just chilling for the last two hours or so. so cool.

yeah something might be wrong when I opened my door and saw that Ellie had her door open and the lights on...aka waiting for me. and I closed my door and decided that I just won't wash my face or brush my teeth and i'll throw out my contacts and I will leave my glasses over there....all so I don't have to talk to Ellie. awesome. I mean I could tell her the truth or whatever she wants...but I know what will happen. she will get offended or act all concerned like. either I don't want to deal with. I honestly just want to be left alone. maybe I should just tell her that.

like earlier I was expecting her to be upset or whatever when I had a convo with her and actually she was. she started to get emotional. but she handled it better than I expected. but she still tried to make me feel bad. and she overreacted and got emotional last night because I was fucking doing as I was supposed to. like fuck all of them. and fuck this. why the hell am I hiding in my room. I can do whatever the hell I want.

if she asks if i'm okay. what do I say....I don't want to talk. i'm at my limit. please leave me alone.

that sounds good. brb. I actually really want to brush my teeth.

okay so I made it though and I just got a "Goodnight, Molly!" as I was entering my room.

you know what I realized that. I don't have to do anything. I don't owe anyone anything. I don't have to explain myself to Ellie. I don't have to tell her the truth or confront it or any fucking thing. I don't have to talk about it. I don't have to spend time with her. I don't have to do anything to make her feel better. so fuck all of this. I can be a bitter bitch and no one can do anything about it. fuck yeah.

okay so I realized another thing today. even though I am friends with Ellie and I like never hang out with anyone else. and I was able to sort of talk to her about stuff today. I don't enjoy being friends with her. like it isn't fun. usually I am just annoyed by her complaining. or she is just being negative. or making snarky comments. and it isn't funny or fun or anything. and the night is usually me biting my tongue or trying to be positive. and I just get tired and exhausted and I can't keep it up any more. so I just shut down and be quiet and pissed off. and then they wonder what is wrong with me. like she just texted me "Are you okay?" i'm fucking fine. piss off. leave me the fuck alone. and I don't know why I can't just make it though a night without getting annoyed at her. but I shouldn't feel this way about my friends, right? I honestly can't wait to be done with college. away from all these people. and I don't have to be friends with Ellie. she is complaining about how she doesn't know where she will be living while she is talking to two people who don't even have a fucking job and also have no idea where they are living. and I don't even know why I am that mad and angry and pissed off. like it was a fine night. but I started getting annoyed when she was complaining about Blurry Face the song and I just couldn't handle it anymore. like i'm sick and tired of stuffing my emotions away for the sake of keeping the peace or not having anyone get upset or having everyone get along. fuck that.

hi, wait I don't know what the last thing I said was. I feel like I need to keep you updated.

okay doesn't matter. I haven't talked to Ellie about that yet. she has been on her best behavior. this week I have been pulling away from her and Roxy a lot.

I've realized...by thinking about this and going to counseling and talking it though...that I am always the peace-keeper, the voice of reason, the responsible one who brings everyone together. I was for my family with sisters and parents and all. I am with Ellie and everyone else. If I don't go to something, it is likely to be cancelled. I often take that role with Roxy and group meetings and just often. And it is a lot. I am always taking care of people. I am always responsible and have all these expectations. They just always expect me to be there and fix things or hold it together or be positive and help move things along. And I can't do it anymore. Today I literally hid away from campus. Well this morning I dogsat. And then I came back for a little bit for a meeting and then I went to counseling and then I went to the Wellesley library (which is so cute) and then now I am at Starbucks.

I just really love libraries though. I can just walk in and I can stay as long as it is open and I am always welcome. And it is quiet. And no one is going to be going to the Wellesley library from Babson that I will run into and have to talk to.

But I have been avoiding Ellie and waiting for her to say something or throw a fit but she hasn't. And I have been avoiding Roxy too because she wants me to help her with this Jimmy Fund Dance thing but the only reason I signed up in the first place was because she is my friend and I support her. I already raised my money. Yet she still expects us all to help her and to take initiative and organize, even though the only reason why we are doing this is because she is our friend, not because we are passionate about this cause.

Ellie texted me earlier and said, "Hello how are you? Is there anything I can do to make your day more positive?" to which I said "No, I'm enjoying a day to myself!" and she said "Good for you." and then a little while later she said "We may be playing mariokart later if you want to join." and I'm not going to respond. but I don't think she is reaching out because she actually cares about how I am but because she wants to feel like she is being a good friend. to save her conscience. if I spend any time by myself or hide away in my room they are all concerned. because I am not there for them. there must be something wrong with Molly. no, i'm actually okay. I just need to be alone and that has nothing to do with you. I don't have to spend every second with you and if you don't see me for a day it's okay. I don't have to tell you everything I'm doing and do everything with you. I like to have my own space and privacy.

I was also annoyed with Roxy. she texted me earlier and said "when are you free between 3 and 6?" to which I said "for what" and she said "Jimmy" so I said "Honestly I cant worry about that now but you can still meet with everyone else" and she said "Okay. Is everything okay?" and I said "Just overwhelmed and stressed out" and she said "Okay." she was probably mad at me but whatever, I couldn't handle that meeting because I knew that I would be the one moving the meeting forward and bringing everyone together like I did last time we had a Jimmyfund meeting.

but I met with my dad and stood up to him. i had to bring up the phone call and talk about it first. he even teared up. i kept it together better than he did. but i was proud of myself for explaining myself and saying everything i needed to say and not letting him sucker me into anything. so that is good.

and i am trying to stay on top of my work. by not spending time with my friends and spending more time with myself i have more time to get work done, which is good. tomorrow i am planning on going to the other Wellesley library and hiding away there for the whole day.

but really what i am doing now is trying to find balance. i need more time to myself. i have enough responsibility with school and trying to find jobs that I don't need responsibilities from my friends now. I need more me time. I don't need to spend every free second or every time I'm in the dorm with them. when i want to spend time with them I will reach out and ask to spend time with them. until then I would like them to just respect my space and trust that i am doing what i need to do and not feel like they need to be a good friend and be there for me. i don't need them to me there for me unless i ask them. i am independent and can handle myself.

so lots of fun stuff there. now i am going to leave Starbucks soon and then drive to Somerville for an ADE dinner where we will make our own pizzas. it should be fun. and it will be good to spend time with those people. and then after that Karla might be here at pub so I will go and hang out with her. and tomorrow will be spent at the library getting work done. i'll try to finish an essay i have due Tuesday. and then maybe work on some poetry stuff and also on ADE stuff. and then Sunday i have an ADE brunch and i'm not sure what else i will be doing. the Oscars are on that night but i might not watch them because when i watch them with Ellie and Amelie they always complain about everything and focus on all the negative things instead of the positive things.

also there is a date going on to my left. the guy got here first and i think he was trying to figure out if i was her. i was not, which he got when i looked at him with a straight face and then went back to my laptop. but then she showed up, so he was saved.

(this should have been posted on Friday the 26th)

I can not fall asleep because 1. I had coffee not too long ago and 2. I keep replaying a script of what I need to say to Ellie over again in my head. so I am going to write it out. and I am scared that she heard me talking to Emma in the hallway and is mad at me. but oh well.

I feel like I am obligated to spend all my free time with you. I feel responsible for entertaining you. I feel guilty when I have plans and you're by yourself, especially when you say thing like "I'm bored and lonely" which feels like a direct message to me that I should be spending time with you so you won't be bored and lonely. I feel like you are dependent on me and need me, which I believe is not how a healthy friendship should be. I think that friends should just enjoy spending time together, but not all the time. I feel like you have high expectations of me and I feel judged when I don't meet those. I am scared often of what you will say or what mood you will be in. I feel like I always have to tell you where I am and like I have to be accountable to you, which I shouldn't. I am nervous about what I say or do because I don't want to upset you. I feel trapped.

okay so that's the plan of what to say. my plan tomorrow is to go to this talk on the music industry at Harvard at 4 and then meet up with Karla at 5:30 for dinner. and then when i'm back it is time to talk about this.

and I haven't even given you the latest update regarding my phone call with my father. and then he texted me today asking if I was free on Friday night. I haven't texted back. I don't know what to do. and my counseling meeting isn't until Friday afternoon. i'm going to have to make a decision tomorrow. I kind of want to meet with him because I want to be on good terms again because I want a copy of his birth certificate so I can get my Irish passport and tell him that I was offered an internship in Dublin - which I had to sort of turn down because it was unpaid and I still have plenty of time to find something else, but still pretty cool.

anyways I guess I should try to sleep again. 8am class tomorrow. ahhh good times.

okay so the last time I posted I had a mental breakdown. like that night was horrible. I was repeating "I can't do this" and just uncontrollably sobbing. so I set up an appointment with a counselor. and then other stuff happened with Ellie too. and then it was me just sobbing and talking for an hour with my counselor. and then having to tell Ellie that I can't be involved in her problems and then having to console her because she made me going to counseling about herself.

and i'm kind of really messed up. I need to make Ellie back up and let me breath. she had been sucking me dry and just taking all of me up. and then my dad's email gave me one more thing to worry about which made me go over the edge. and everything I had to worry about.

I ended up cancelling all my meetings and going home for the weekend. where I am now. i'm doing better. I am mentally preparing myself to go back to school. I really don't want to.

okay this is what I have to do.
ADE work
Poems/read
Organize other homework/essays/to-do
FME meeting
Respond to emails

it will also be easy for me to just act crazy but I feel like that will make Ellie and my friends try to hold on too much and suffocate me more, so I have to act normal and happy enough that they will leave me alone and not worry about me.

I read a post about if maybe you are a toxic friend. i'm going to list the ones that apply to Ellie.
You're overprotective
You're a crisis magnet
You NEED them

ahh then someone in the comments added: You make them feel guilty

and when I talked to Ellie right after counseling, because when I left for counseling she was in tears and I could tell she didn't want to leave, she was all like you have to tell me if i'm doing anything that is hurting you blah blah. but I know she doesn't actually want to hear it and she would cry and break down and be super apologetic if I ever told her anything like that. maybe I will eventually because it might kill me otherwise being friends with her.

but in order to get through tomorrow, we are going to get massages, I am going to have to put on a happy face and deal with it. and then in 3 weeks i'm going to Paris with her. but i'm going to Paris so it is worth it. and I got a $1,000 grant to go which is a relief.

okay deep breaths. tomorrow i'm going to kill it. I've been killing it applying to jobs recently and tomorrow i'm going to get my life back in order, or as much as I can, and I am going to get ready to go back to school. i'll call my dad. and i'll just take everything one thing at a time.

woooooo

hi i'm exhausted but let me tell you. in the middle of my class today we had a break so I checked my email and I read this: The days of you using our children as pawns to solicit more money or exact your revenge are over. I will be ccing them on any email referencing them. Molly has a copy of the divorce agreement and is aware that I have followed it regarding her college tuition. If you feel otherwise you can haul me in front of a judge again. Moving forward I would rather you didn't use our children in this manner.


so that is what my dad sent in response to some emails from my mom stating that he didn't pay his full 1/3. I managed to keep it together during class. and then after I broke down everything from tuition and by my calculations he owes like $22,000 when my mom was only asking for $11,000. sooooo. he wanted to get me involved thinking I would be on his side. but if he wants to break it down and look at the numbers he can. both of them are like children and I don't want to deal with that shit. I don't care. figure it out amongst yourself. as soon as I graduate I don't have to deal with either of them and I can pay my own expenses and i'll pay off my 50,000 in loans.

and i'm also kind of annoyed that I was literally crying and my friends didn't really seem to care. they listened but then just moved off and half when I was talking they were laughing and doing other things. my friends being Ellie and Amelie. and then they moved on and were complaining and talking about other things. and then later I saw myself acting in a negative manner too and talking negatively with Ellie and I want to be positive but she always sees the negative. and they didn't seem to care. but they did get me dinner and a cake so I guess they do but they just don't know how to deal when i'm upset because I never am.

now I am going to fall asleep and cry myself to sleep. I thought about trying to write a poem about this but I am literally so tired I can't think anymore. okay goodnight.

oh also I had read an article Kyle Reynolds had wrote about his new single about divorce and I had tweeted "Needed This" and that was before all this shit happened. so i'll go listen to that song now and then go to sleep.

but fuck divorce.

we had a big negotiation in our negotiation class today and I did very poorly and I am trying not to think about it and let it tear me apart. so I am writing about it here so now I can let it go. it's not that big of a deal. but it is annoying because I know I could have done better. very frustrating. especially where I can see the points where I went wrong. fuck.

i'm exhausted. this is going to be a tougher semester than expected. I shouldn't have taken ADE, but we will see how that goes.

i'm babysitting currently, I really just want to sleep. i'm so tired.

I guess that's all. bye.