hi. my birthday weekend is now complete. officially 20 as of last Friday. and i am exhausting. i spent the whole weekend with Ellie and it is tiring being a tour guide and having to keep someone entertained 24/7 and finding things to do to fill up the whole days. and it's hard when that person is a morning person. but i think it was a successful weekend and i am glad she came or else my birthday wouldn't have felt as special - not that it really did. but we have the same birthday and we were able to spend it together. so hopefully she enjoyed herself.

i can't remember what i was going to write about really. i am so exhausted. i am going to sleep so well tonight that i am the only one in my bed and don't have someone waking me up early or during the night. i'm going to sleep so freaking late too. i am not doing anything tomorrow either so i have that to look forward to.

um but i found out that Julian is into another girl so that's a disappointment. i think i just have to come to terms with the fact that i will be single for a while. i'm only in nashville for another month and a half. and then i'm in shanghai. then i'm home. then i'm at babson. then who knows where i'll be. that's not far to a guy anyways. and today i was thinking about how i don't want to do the whole hook-up thing either. so i would actually have to spend time with someone. it would be nice though to just have someone to talk to and go and do things with. but it is also nice to just be able to worry about myself and not have that drama and worries. so i am getting to the point where i am comfortable and happy with being single. and i'm sure as soon as i am 100% good with it will be when i meet a guy because that is how it works, right?

umm i met Jordan Gable and the kid who was playing drums for him tonight, Kevin. they both seemed really nice. and apparently Taylor had asked Jordan about part-time jobs or something for me which is nice as well.

and oh i wanted to talk about my dad too, actually had a decent phone call with him. sort of. started crying silently when he told me that initially he wanted to pay for all my college tuition at the beginning of the separation but after almost two years of negotiations and such that didn't work out. i was just like...do you realize how much less stress and worry i would have if you just did that? but for the sake of arguing and what your lawyer says you didn't? why are you even telling me that you were going to? like..."i was going to make your life so much easier...no student loans or worrying about paying for school but just kidding but lawyer said that would be stupid and i was in big arguments with your mom so nahhh" he could have been lying but who knows.

my mom sent me 20 different birthday cards each with $5 and a scratch ticket in it which was super nice and awesome. and maeve gave me a polaroid camera. and my dad got me fall out boy tickets. and my auntie julie got me $50 to starbucks and gave me $100. and ellie came down to Nashville. and that was my birthday. barely anyone posted on my facebook wall to say happy birthday. some of Ellie and mine mutual friends posted on her wall but not mine. which i didn't want to be upset or annoyed about but i kind of was...but then i have to remind myself of a quote from the fault in our stars which goes something like it's better to be loved deeply than widely. but i guess even if i'm not loved deeply either i am okay with that. i am doing my own thing and i will get to the point where i am so comfortable and strong in who i am that people will be attracted me to because i don't need them...right? i don't know...obviously not there.

um what else. i really need to sleep. hold on i want to see what i posted last year for my birthday. i didn't even post anything in June. i did post in July complaining about how i have no friends and just go home after camp and do nothing. well the only difference is now at least i go and do things - still don't have any friends really (okay, no Erin is a good friend but she is almost my roommate so she sort of has to be my friend by default. i have no real friends outside of her) and i feel the same way about being single and how it would be nice to just have someone to talk to. great. i don't even want to look at 2012's birthday because then i was in California. actually that was when i met Taylor too. and then last year Taylor called me on my birthday. and then this year i was in Nashville partly because of him. pretty cool. and last year i never would have thought that i would be here. so who knows where i will be next year.

anyways 20 years old not a teenager but still too young to drink or get in anywhere. awesome.

hi so i just wanted the Ed Sheeran MTV documentary and now i'm listening to his album which i actually pre-ordered on iTunes, which i never buy anything from iTunes anymore (actually I just bought PrincessTard's single too but that was the first in a long time). anyways i'm very proud of him and extremely happy for him. i just had a thought which wasn't what i was going to write about but how many other guys are just like him that worked hard and did exactly what he did but didn't become famous?

i want to be a part of a story like Ed's. i want to help make a musician successful. whether that be Taylor's or someone else's. i just want to find the right person and stick with them and help them reach the audience and the success that they deserve. in the documentary Ed's manager and his wife were like Ed's parents and honestly i wouldn't mind being a babysitter or parents for the right person or band that i fully believed in. i feel like i do that a lot already, putting other people first. i don't know.

anyways life has slowed down. yesterday i did go to a little show at Mellow Mushroom to see Jenna and she was singing with a kid named Sam who is very attractive and a very good singer but he is also an asshole - Erin told me what he did to another one of her friends. so i can't pursue that at all. but then after that show we went to the bbq i told you about before.

today i have stayed inside all day. i was going to go to a show tonight but we found out it was 21 plus so i stayed home and watched the documentary on Ed instead. which i am actually not bummed about. earlier when i was doing dishes i was like...i decide if i want to be upset and annoyed by something. i could be sad and upset about the fact that i have been alone and in my room all day or i can embrace being alone and who i am and what i am doing and just rock it. i'm a 19 (almost 20) year old who is on her own in Nashville and i'm figuring it out and yeah i spend some days all alone in my room but some days i go and put myself out there. some of those days i am quiet and in my shell and awkward but other days i start to blossom and i meet some great people and i am myself. i don't really know what i am doing here. sure, i am not really working but i go to my internship and i work there. i do what i am supposed to and try to help and i try to learn and i hope that it will bring me to great places in the future. i don't know what i am going to do in the future but i am here in Nashville to help set myself up for greatness. i am doing all i can to help my future and figure it out.

i am a strong woman. i am okay with being alone. i am comfortable with the fact that i don't know everything and that i am figuring life out. i am working on allowing myself to be myself. i am trying not to be so hard on myself and to just let things go without replying them in my head and making myself feel bad about myself.

i just looked and i have on iTunes the deluxe version of Ed's first album + too and now i have x as well.

it's okay that i don't really have any friends. Erin has been great and i am so grateful for her but i'm not her only friend and she was doing fine without me. and there are a ton of people who are nice to me and who i appreciate but i know that i am not a priority to them and that they don't really care what happens to me and that after i leave Nashville they will most likely forget all about me. well until i am managing the biggest act in the world and i start my own business that revolutionizes the music industry.

what else haven't i talked about? my weekend home. let's just say Taylor is awesome when he pays attention to you and lets you into his little world. like when he took Maeve, Maura, and I out to dinner. but other than that. like when Ellie and Amelie came over he just watched his show on his laptop and didn't even really say hi to them. they didn't really get a great impression of him. i just really hope he just starts treating people better all around. i know it is in him. but i think the stress and pressure of what he is doing might be getting to him. and then there is the whole thing with Zuri. she is great and she does so much but she is like a nagging annoying mom. and apparently she is in love with Taylor even though she is like twice his age and he is a jerk to her ususally. they spend so much time together though. but i can see that blowing up. if for some reason it did blow up and Zuri wasn't working with him any more, then maybe i could see myself touring with him in like a year or two. maybe once he grew up and figured himself out more. but then i would be afraid that i wouldn't know what i was doing. Zuri seems to have everything together and knows what to do. i have no idea. i would be a mess and would mess up so much. but i would try and i would work hard and i would learn.

it's crazy because all the people i am hanging out with here know Taylor. and they are all like friends with him and met him in the normal ways. and i am like...yeah i'm friends with him...but really i don't know if we are friends. i barely talked to him other than the dinner and we met way back when at his AGT show and then the real time because we gave him money. but if you are looking at people who influenced my life, he would be way up at the top. who would have ever guessed way back when i first started watching him on AGT. i think i am going to watch some of those old videos after this.

and then Zach is awesome but i wish i had talked to him more. i still feel like we aren't that close. but i guess i have to remember that i make friends by hanging out with someone multiple times in different situations and blah blah. but i am thankful that he was there and i was able to fly with him. i don't think i will ever date him though. while he is great and i really like him i don't know if it would work. of course if he suddenly showed an interest in me, that would be a different story. i am probably just saying that to protect myself since he has not shown any interest at all. which is fine. i just need to go out and meet new people. well since i haven't seen him since our trip home and i'm pretty sure the only reason i saw him before we left was because he realized he should probably see me before our flight. i am not counting on seeing him again unless my mom and sisters come down when he is here. i was hoping he would invite me to things and introduce me to his friends and all but i have only met his roommate Jordan because he drove us to the airport and his friend Ellie who he wrote the song Love Lost and Found about - which i am super pumped i met her because it puts more meaning in the song - but she wasn't really interested in talking to me and all so that's fine. maybe it's just as well i don't get involved in Zach's life here and i just build my own. even though that hasn't been working out all that great.

stop molly. i started to be hard on myself and spin down into that sad spiral. crap it's still happening. i don't know why. what happens is that i just get frustrated at myself for not...basically for not being better. but i need to stop. i am doing fine here. i am doing better than fine, i am doing well. yes, i had a slum day today and yes, i don't really have friends but friends take time molly. and molly, tomorrow you have your internship then you can go to church at the belonging if you want and there will be people you know there (i am kind of afraid to go there myself though because i most likely will get there late, sit by myself, and then just leave before anyone sees me. maybe i'll text people and see if they are going) and then wednesday you'll work and then you have girl's night and then if you want Nate is having a show you could probably go to with Erin and then Thursday you work and then Ellie is here and you'll go to movies in the park. and then Friday is your birthday and i have no idea what i am going to do. i was debating inviting people to go out to dinner but i am afraid no one would come or it would be awkward and not fun since i am not really close to anyone. and then Saturday there is a show i'm going to bring Ellie too. and then i believe she leaves Sunday and we might go to Lexington too but that's like 3 hours away so we will see if that happens or not.

i feel like i have more to write but my head just kind of hurts. i think i might just go on tumblr and not think. i don't even really feel like watching old Taylor videos. or maybe i'll go to sleep but then i'll think too before i fall asleep. i don't know. i'm tired. okay i'm done.

i have to write down some advice i got today when some musicians were asking me about what i wanted to do and everything.

first was that if you like babysitting you should manage. and the second was to try it for 3 to 5 years. too many people are here for 3 months and say that it isn't working and then give up. also that a lot of time you are working for free. a lot of the most successful music business people they know started off with someone they believed it and worked for free, not making any money, for 4 years until they started to actually pull in some income.

i am grateful for any advice i can get. Taylor told me that when i meet people and talk to them to tell them that my purpose for being in Nashville is to find my purpose. that way it opens up for the door if they could help me at all. that's what i said when i got the advice above.

i hope i'm not wasting my time here. it kind of feels like i am. i'm not making any money or really working towards anything. i'm just working at a boring internship and then hanging around with Erin for the rest of the time or hiding in my room. it seems like i should be doing something more. but i always like to be busy and feel like i'm doing something productive. i mean i am making $2,400 from this summer technically. but then about $2,000 of that is going just to rent and then factor in gas and food and yeah i'm not making any money. but i am meeting people and i am hoping that by friending them on facebook and talking to them now they'll remember me 6 months from now when i'm looking for a job or need connections or something. but we will see how it goes.

anyways i should sleep but i am listening to Ed Sheeran's new album and I actually want to listen to all the songs. i still have like 30 minutes of songs I haven't heard. yeah no i need sleep. i'll save them for the morning. okay, goodnight. i still need to talk to you more, i feel like i have a lot built up in my chest. i'll save it for another night i guess.

hi so it's been non stop since i got back from home. like crazy. today is the first time i've had time to sit down and go on my laptop. what have i done? well i got back at like 12:30pm Monday night. worked Tuesday then went to Church which went late, like we got there at 7:30 and were there until 11:00. and then Wednesday I worked until 6 then went to girls night for 7, and then to a show at 9, and then hung out at a girl named Rebecca's house until late and i wasn't in bed until 2am. and then Thursday I worked again and then we went and hung out at movies in the park and saw anchorman. and then this morning i woke up at 7am and went to help at the horse camp and didn't get back until 2pm and now i've just been sitting around because i'm exhausted. i'm not complaining. this is awesome having so much to do. i love it. i love being busy as long as i have time like today to relax as well. i'm crashing early and relaxing tomorrow morning as well and then i have a birthday party to go to...woooo!

i don't even know where to start or what i want to talk about. so much as happened. i don't even know what the last thing i told you was. i'm feeling really overwhelmed right now. even though i am just chilling in my bed, just so much going on.

okay in case you think that i'm all big and grown up and living in Nashville and so cool and friends with all these musicians - let me tell you how i'm still a big fangirl and lame-o. so i went to Rebecca's house on Wednesday and there were a bunch of people there. but there was one extremely cute boy, Julian. apparently his parents are famous or something but i really could not care less about that. he was very attractive. probably the most attractive guy i've seen since i've been in Nashville and he is actually close to my age. so of course i stalked him on facebook. and he is a singer of course and he has one song for free download or whatever. so guess what i'm listening to on repeat right now? it is really good though.

you know what i just remembered? listening to Taylor's song on his website over and over again and look how that turned out. so maybe i won't just be a creepy girl and one day Julian and I will laugh about this. hahahaha maybe not.

but also can i say how annoying it is to be under 21 here. on that Wednesday night at Rebecca's was the first time people sort of made a big deal of it though, like just making jokes or whatever. which was completely fine, but i just wanted a beer. so i had one even though it sort of became a big deal that they were supporting underage drinking. they have no idea what went on a college. and the thing is i'm smart. i wasn't driving. i was in a house with like 7 other people with Erin who i trusted and it was one very weak beer. which i didn't even feel at all. so it wasn't a big deal. i know how to be careful. and in a little more than two months i'm going to be in China where i'm legal so i might as well get ready. and it is really just annoying that i can't get into places because i'm under 21. it's like let me hang out with my friends!

okay now i'm going to be all philosophical and smart sounding because i think i might post this on my other public blog.

Until recently, I guess I was under the impression that I would go to college and when I graduate I would have a nice shiny job and my life would be all figured out and I would be all set. It wasn't like anyone told me this or that I really thought about it, but isn't that what we are working for in college? Get good grades, network, learn stuff so you can get a job and be successful. Now being in Nashville, I am realizing it doesn't work like that.

Everyone I hang out with here is at least two years older than me, most around four years or more. And you know what? They don't have it figured out. They are all in different parts of their lives. Touring, struggling musician, nanny, waitressing. Some are moving, thinking about marriage, wanting to get into relationships, going through big transitions, or just sort of stuck. But they don't have it figured out.

I feel like I should have already know this. I tell my mom all the time that "We will figure it out" and Taylor is on the "Making It Up As We Go" tour. I think I must just be grasping it now. I'm still sort of working stuff out in my head. But it's exciting, you know, to think I have all this life in front of me and what I'm going to do with it. Where I'm going to be living and working or if I'm going to start my own job. Will I come back to Nashville? Boston? Shanghai? Or someplace completely new? It's crazy how much I want to do but the fact is that I can only take it one day at a time, one moment at a time and decide what I want to do right now.

At the same time that it is all exciting, it is also scary and sad. When I was home last weekend it was hard for me to leave. It felt like I belonged there and I was thinking what the heck am I doing out in Nashville? My internship is boring, I'm not making any money, and it feels like I'm just wasting time. But then I remembered what I came out here to do: find my purpose. While it doesn't feel like I'm really doing much of anything, I have a feeling these days are shaping me into who I will be and what I will do. I'll look back and say "When I was in Nashville for the summer...". What makes it easier though, is that since I have been back in Nashville it has felt like a home to me. My roommate picked me up from the airport and she filled me in on everything I missed and I just really enjoyed talking to her and I am glad she was there to welcome me back. And since then it has been non-stop and I have just been really enjoying myself. I am starting to find my own. Not completely yet, I am not completely comfortable and settled in - but this place is feeling like a home and I am happy to be here.

I'm just figuring things out. As hard as it is to do it, I'm out here making myself grow up, figure out who I am, and just live life.

okay end post for the public blog. and now i'm too tired to write about anything else. so that will have to be enough for you today! i'll fill out in on everything else later. i should probably turn Julian's music off repeat now...

hi. this weekend has been better. let me try to remember all that i did. let's just say thank you Erin for coming home and being awesome and inviting me to things.

okay so the last i told you, i almost past out at the CMAs on Friday. okay great. on Saturday, i went with Erin, Aimee, Amanda, and Janelle to an art show downtown. i was able to get free wine there which was pretty nice. then we went to Frothy Monkey and met up with Erin's friend Nate. and then we walked around Broadway and I was able to get into the bar Tequila Cowboy because they don't card before 10 so we were able to hang out there and dance which was fun. after that we went to the bridge and watched some of Keith Urban and we thought there might be fireworks but no fireworks. then we went back and slept.

and then yesterday i went with Erin, Amanda, and Janelle to Franklin to see Erin's friend Jenna sing at a pizza place. so we had pizza for dinner there. and then we dropped Amanda and Janelle off and then we went to a show for Ravenhill with Aimee, since they are friends with some of the people in the band. and in Ravenhill there was a cute guy who actually looking close to my age, his name is Taylor. and we were talking to him for a bit afterwards and he is actually from Illinois and is moving to Delaware soon. but he was attractive. and then i found him on facebook through the band's page, his name is Taylor Chance. okay wow, i just went to see if i could find his facebook again and now i can't find it. yesterday it was so easy, i didn't even have to try. but anyways, i wish him the best of luck in Delaware and i hope he likes it there and figures everything out. i'll send good vibes his way. but honestly how come i can't find him on facebook anymore? it's like i was meant to see his facebook page yesterday, it just came up even though we have no mutual friends and today it is just gone...found him, took a little longer than last night. still as good looking as ever though.

anyways, then today i was supposed to go to the barn to see Rose and the ponies but literally right when i was about to leave, Zach texted me. so i waiting for him to respond and ended up going to get coffee with him instead. because seeing Zach has been a lot harder to do and even though i won't be able to get to the barn again for a while, i felt like i had to go see Zach. or i wanted to. i don't think i have a "crush" on Zach but he's a good kid and i want to spend time with him so whenever i can, i will. this was the first time since i've been to Nashville that i've been able to see him. it was kind of awkward but it was still nice i guess. i'm supposed to go to dinner with him and maybe his roommate tomorrow so hopefully that will be good. missing church to go get dinner with him. but i figure if i can spend time with him before flying home with him this weekend, i can get to know him better and get more comfortable so that will make the flight better. when i'm with him i feel at ease but not completely comfortable yet, but i'm glad he is here.

i've realized as i have met my friend's guys friend while i'm here that what i really want a guy for is to feel safe and protected. i just like standing next to guys because i feel safe. maybe it's because i feel so alone that i crave that kind of protection. i haven't really had it since i left home and especially since all that shit happened with my dad because i can't rely on him at all and i don't feel safe with him. i mean as much as i want to say that i don't need a guy to feel safe and protected, i almost really do. i mean i manage and i am fine without one but it is nice to just walk around and know that someone has your back and will be able to protect you. so i really liked it when Nate came with us the other night to the bar and on the bridge. it was like since we had a guy with us no one would bother us and they would leave us alone and he was watching to make sure we were all okay. and yesterday we had Brady with us walking around the streets so i felt safe too having him there. and then we ran into Aimee's friend...i can't remember his name now, oh maybe Lucas? okay yes, Lucas. and he was just standing behind me when we were watching fireworks and i just felt safe which was really nice. i think it also has to do with the fact that i have been doing a lot of stuff alone so i am always on edge and looking around and the second i feel uncomfortable i usually just leave. like i went to the park and a guy decided to sit at the bench next to me even though there were a ton of other open benches and there weren't that many people around so i just left. and since i am on my own i just need to be extra careful so it is nice to not have to worry about that.

alright well game plan for the next few days. right now i am going to try to do my internship work that i have been putting off. i found out when i have a ton of time and not much work to do, i just don't do it when i'm not in the babson mindset. i literally just don't want to do work since i haven't been. but i am going to try to do some of that today. and then i am going to go with Erin, Aimee, and Joy to see the X-Men movie even though i have no idea what it is about and haven't seen any of the other movies. but i need friends. and then i am going to probably just chill here or hang out with them. tomorrow i have work and then after work i'm going to dinner with Zach and potentially his roommate. hopefully that goes well. and then Wednesday i am also going to work and i might go to girl's night or i am just going to chill here and pack. then Thursday i will work and then leave early and come back here, Zach will pick me up and we will go to the airport. and then i will spend the weekend at home! awesome. just taking it one step at a time i guess. i feel like there is more i should be writing about but maybe that is just because i don't want to do work...i'll go do work.

random note about marriage. for some reason i've been thinking about it...actually i know the reason. because of CTFxC and Kristian (my roommate) is thinking about marriage. and the whole divorce thing which was supposed to be settled by now but now they have the date set on my birthday...woo!

but CTFxC has been hard because Charles has been posting pictures of a new girl and keeps using the hashtag #happy and they just posted today that the divorce is final. that was so fast. we are still dealing with our divorce a year and a half later. i mean my mom and dad had been married a lot longer and there were kids involved. but the fact that Alli and Charles could just divorce and move on with their lives in that quickly. i mean there was most likely stuff going on behind the scenes that i don't know about so i shouldn't judge. it is just actually hard for me to see that.

and then Kristian is 22 and thinking about getting married. her boyfriend is a lot older than her (they went through the church and everything...it's a bit of a longer story then i was planning on getting into) and she was saying how on one side she loves him and really wants to marry him and be with him for the rest of the life and on the other side she just wants to run away from it all.

but it me right now marriage doesn't seem all that great. it seems like it just makes things harder and makes people unhappy. i don't know, i'm not too keen on it. like we can just stay boyfriend/girlfriend. OH RIGHT i also met someone on wednesday who recently called off her engagement and thought that they would just go back to dating but then he went through a big thing and basically their over right now. so more marriage stuff.

but then i watch the Shaytards and i'm like...maybe it does exist where you can be happy in your marriage. if the Shaytards ever got a divorce then i'm completely swearing off marriage. maybe i shouldn't hold the whole thing up to them. but they right now are my role models and example when it comes to relationships. all i got.

okay sorry, i was just watching the shaytards and they were so happy and the quote of the day brought it up again. not like marriage is anytime soon for me (single single single here) but i think it would be good to sort of have some views and thoughts on it before it's time to discuss it with someone else. by the way the quote of the day is: Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. – Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) so more reason to lean towards the why the heck get married side of things.

okay so today was a bit of a crazy day. last night i was thinking i would text Zach see if he was around, most likely go to the CMA fest by myself, and then afterwards go to the barn (did I tell you a bit a girl who rides and i might work at the horse camp there for the summer!) and check that out. but then this morning i saw on twitter that Zach is away for a show so no go there but that's fine, i was expecting it. so i went to the CMA fest myself. i parked fine and found the show. the problems though were that it was really hot and i only had breakfast. it was like 11:45 by the time i made it down to the venue. i should have grabbed lunch before i went down to the stage, but i did not. the stage was in front of a huge hill with grass and such, but i went down to the front. and i stayed there and watched a whole act. and literally right before Dan and Shay (who i was there to see) went on, i felt like i was about the pass out. you know what i do and i knew it was coming. and it sucked because i had made it to like the 2nd/3rd row and had a perfect view. but i knew i had to go sit down. so i went and sat down and was hoping i would just feel better. but nope, the vision went and it got worse. so i said to the girl sitting next to me "i'm really sorry, but could you get a security guard, i feel like i'm going to pass out" i saw her tell her mom and i didn't really see much after that but basically everyone around me freaked out. and i could hear them saying stuff like, she is really pale and doesn't look good. someone let me lean back on their legs. someone gave me water and a wet rag around my neck. and someone put a mint in a mouth to give me sugar. i got asked a lot of questions, like if i had diabetes and if i had drank anything or eaten anything. and i got yelled at because it looked like i was going...like passed out so they woke me up. and then after that i threw up a bit...not a lot since i hadn't eaten anything. and i felt bad for everyone. but after that i felt a lot better. then i went to get a tissue out of my bag and a lady started yelling at me saying don't worry about your purse and tried to hand it to a person behind me like i was with them...and i was like no, i'm by myself and i have a tissue in there. so she gave it back and i was able to clean myself up a bit. and then once i was feeling a lot better, the security guard finally came over following some girl. and i got up and started to follow him and i realized i still had the rag so i was able to stop and give it back. then i went and sat with the security guard and they gave me cold water and then the medics finally ran over after i was completely fine. that's what happens. i need sugar, water, and to throw up and then i feel fine. but then i went with the medics anyways to a tent on the other side of the stage. so we walked right in front of the stage past them and i was like "nooo...i just want to watch and sing along and dance and go back to where i was...." well i thought that but i went and sat in the first aide tent with the fan and mister in my face. and i sat there and drank like 2 whole bottles of water. and they offered me some like spicy pizza flavored chips and i was like no thanks...then another lady offered me her peanut butter crackers which i would have eaten but i felt bad taking her food, so i said no thank you. so i stayed in the tent and listened to dan and shay until they were done. and then i got up and left. oh i forgot one lady when she realized i was alone wanted to come to the medic tent with me, i was like i'm fine, thank you. i really liked one of the medic ladies because she was like "you came yourself? and you drove?" and she was like "i used to do that." so basically i payed $25 for parking to go and almost pass out and sit in the first aid tent. yippee. so that sucked but it happens. i should have known and eaten something. or brought sugar or granola bars. i was not prepared. stupid, molly. you know this happens and especially when you're by yourself. but luckily everyone was really nice and took care of me. otherwise i would have been passed out lying on the ground by myself. because i had no one. it's kind of scary when you're sick and can't see and about to pass out and you have no one and you're alone. and then the fact that i had to drive myself back home by myself and i was just so alone. no one checking up on me. i mean i was fine, and i'm back safe and sound in my bed. and i don't regret going, i wanted to see Dan and Shay and if i hadn't passed out i would have had a perfect spot and i would have had a great time. and just proof that i can take care of myself. okay, granted, i let myself almost pass out, but i did the right things and get myself help and got myself home safely which is all that matters.

oh but then i was going to go riding after i ate all the food i had basically. but they were already gone so i'm going to go Monday instead. so i went and watched the Fault in Our Stars by myself. i do everything alone basically. it was really good and i cried and really liked it. but i was almost expecting to feel more or be more excited about it. like as soon as it was done i just sort of went on with my life. maybe it was because i went by myself and didn't have anyone to share the experience with. that's the first time i think i went and saw a movie by myself.

hold on, let me go check and see what the last thing i wrote was. oh okay so let me catch you up before that. okay on Wednesday, the day after the Megan and Liz show, i had friends. i went with Summer and Erin to "girl's night" which happens every Wednesday and that is where i met the girl who rides and i had fun there. and after that we went to a concert for their friend Joel, who actually was at a dinner i was at, even though i didn't really talk to him. but he was really good, really really good. i should have talked to him at dinner. and that night Zach also texted me to ask what i was up to...and of course the one night he wants to hang out is when i have plans. i'm doing nothing every other day expect the one day he texts me. and then he said he was going to the CMAs on Thursday but i had to work all day Thursday so i told him to let me know if anything was going on after 6 but he never texted me. so i'm hoping i'll see him sometime before we get on the plane. i had tweeted him saying "guess i won't be seeing you at the CMA fest then, but have fun!" and he said he would be back on Saturday. so maybe he is planning on seeing me? i'm not sure. so we will see what happens the rest of the weekend. i have no plans. but as Erin and Aimee were leaving they invited me to go see XMen with them, even though I have never seen any of the other movies and basically have no interest. but if I have to pay 11.75 in order to have friends and some human contact and talk to someone, i probably will. but i'll let you know what happens. by the way, it's 9pm and i'm exhausted and alone at home in my bed. wooo party.

i pretend like it doesn't bother me going to places by myself - i am trying to convince myself that i don't mind. but the truth is, it does. i went to a megan and liz concert by myself today. sat at the table by myself. ate my dinner by myself. even though i was surrounded by a bunch of people, but none of them talked to me. it was a good show and i'm glad i went. i was able to meet them afterwards and their advice for just moving to Nashville was to make friends...working on it. but then walking away by myself made me sad again. and maybe it would be different if i had chosen to go to the concert myself - like i just needed a night to myself or to get away - but nope, first of all i have been doing everything by myself so i certain didn't need a break from people (if anything, i need a break from myself) and second, i asked people to come with me, 4 to be exact, and none of them came. so wow. really have no friends and i'm a loner. great.

and yesterday i walked around downtown nashville by myself and sat and watched sound check and then was front row to the concert...all by myself. and it's not like i'm not trying. i have said yes to everything my roommates have invited me to. i go places - granted, i don't usually talk to people when i go places by myself but at least i am out and about. the only thing i think i missed was that church gathering but that was because i thought i was going to the beach that day and honestly forgot all about it until it was too late. but tomorrow is supposed to be girls night so if i get invited to that i'll go, even though i'm PMSing (yeah yeah that's probably part of the reason why i was so emotional the last week) and in a ton of pain. and then hopefully i'll see Zach at some point this weekend at CMA fest or something. i told him to let me know. and when i texted him he said that he was just about to text me. who knows if that is true. but it would be nice to see him at least once before we are on a plane together.

anyways i really need to sleep. i'm exhausted. another long day at the internship tomorrow. no, 8 hours is really long. especially when you aren't doing anything that passes the time and each half hour you get through is an accomplishment.

i guess i really didn't realize or understand just how alone i would feel.

i just watched the documentary Mortifed Nation, it's about this type of show where people read diary or journal entries from when they were young. it made me laugh and cry and i really liked it. especially because here i am writing in my diary...well blog because i'm cool and all grown up here in the 2010s. no old fashioned journals. but the fact that i have stuff from January 2009 until now. i was 14 then and now i'm 19, almost 20. i'm almost done with my teenager years! i have almost my entire teenage existence in blog form. so in theory i could do that Morified thing and be a reader and could be reading this out loud to an audience right now...i mean like in years from now. but if i am. i want to say hi, this is 19 year old Molly writing from Nashville. today she did absolutely nothing. she was going to go to the beach with her roommate, but then she never came back after church and then the other roommate mentioned it but she was PMSing and needed a lazy day. and i didn't want to drive to the beach by myself because i didn't know the people we were meeting there well enough. so i literally have not left this house all day and have spent the majority of it on my bed. wow. you are really living life Molly.

okay seriously though. sorry if i am reading this out loud, i can't address you now, i realized i have bigger more important things to talk about right now. i can just imagine you guys reading this out loud and laughing but you don't know what tone of voice i'm writing this in...that sounds stupid too. i'm realizing how everything i'm writing right now will be twisted and will be hilarious in 10 years from now. but it's not funny right now. this is my life. okay let me just write and get everything off my chest.

okay so life in Nashville isn't all that great right now. i love the city itself because it isn't all city and it's hard to explain. but i love the city. but my internship is kind of boring and i'm afraid that i'm not learning all that i need to. but at least i feel like i am learning something...maybe. and i have nothing better to do than to be there so that makes the tedious tasks seem a bit better at least. but when i am not at the internship i have nothing to do unless one of my roommates invites me to do something. so on the days when they don't invite me to something i usually try to go and do something myself. i've been really good at that. i have went to a park and read and then walked around the town one day, another i went to a farmer's market, another i went to centennial park for musicians corner, yesterday i went to another park and had a picnic and hiked. but yesterday. i felt so alone. it was a really cool park, tons of trails and it was huge. i walked off the path and found a field and tucked myself in a corner so no one could see me unless they walked the way i did, which no one would do since they all stick to the paths. so i stayed there for hours eating and reading my book. i made a bad attempt at connecting to Zach since i was wearing his shirt. i snapped him and in my head i was hoping for him to be like "where are you?! let's go do something!" or "when can we hang out?!" but he just did a generic snap back like "my girl!" and when i responded with "hope you're feeling better!" i got no response. i guess i expected for him to contact me and want to hang out. i mean he was in chicago and then home and then sick. so maybe he is still sick or i haven't given him enough time and he is going to. but it's already June, May is gone. but he is flying home with me in less than two weeks. so either he will step up before then or that's when i'll get to hang out with him when i'm on a plane on my way home where i have people to hang out and who know me and i don't really need him. whereas here in Nashville, i need him. actually i don't, i am doing fine on my own. oh okay but after i sat there forever i started to hike back to my car and i was just feeling so alone. and then i got to the road and i paused for a second because i wasn't sure way to turn and a man and his dog ran passed me and he got a little ways away and he stopped and turned around and asked me if i was good. and i quickly said yeah i was fine and he kept going. but then i started to cry. this man cared enough to stop and ask if i was okay when no one else really did or cared. no one knew where i was. i realized that if anything happened to me...no one would really know. my roommates might wonder where i was but i don't know if they would do anything. and if i had died over where i was reading earlier no one would find me for a long time because no one would have walked over there (maybe a bad decision on my part). but i really was just in a bad place as i was walking back to my car (i took the wrong path earlier so it was a bit of a hike to get back...actually a hike up a huge hill). i was feeling really alone. but then i saw a deer and it was a magically moment as i was able to walk pretty close and she was just staring at me. anyways not the greatest day in the park. but afterwards when i was home, Erin invited me to go to a bbq which ended up to be pretty fun and okay. and then i was supposed to go to the lake and hang out with the same people today but Erin sort of bailed on me...no hard feelings there really because we never actually said it definite but i was under the impression that is what we were going to do. but whatever. maybe for some reason i wasn't supposed to be at the lake and it was better that way. i have realized though that the way i seem to make friends is by just having multiple interactions with them at different times and talking to them more and more until i feel comfortable around them. it just takes a long time. so i'm pretty lonely. oh and also the not going to the lake thing is kind of annoying because there was a church get together that i was thinking about going to myself but didn't end up doing because i forgot about it because i thought i was going to the lake. but honestly i was looking for a reason why i couldn't go. and also, Megan and Liz are having an EP release party on Tuesday night that i want to go to. because i have seen them live before and i really like them and i never get to go to things like this when i'm home. and i'm here and can go see them! and it's at a venue that i went to last week so i am familiar with it! the problem is that i have no friends to go with. Kristian is away for the week, i mentioned it to Summer but i am not sure how she is feeling about it. so my plan is to ask Esther and Maghan and if they are interested. most likely not but if they are then cool. and then i'll mention it to Zach, and i'm assuming he will say no but then i will ask about his CMA weekend plans and see if i maybe can hang out with him for some of that. and i most likely will end up going to the EP release party by myself but that's cool too. i will miss church for it but i was going to have to go to church by myself since Kristian isn't here this week. and then also even if Zach doesn't want to hang out with me for CMA fest I am planning on just going myself everyday next weekend because i need to do stuff. that is unless i have job working at Nashville Shores, which i still haven't heard back from. i would love to just know yes or no so i can start planning accordingly.

but honestly if i am paying $700 a month to just stay in my bedroom all day, i could have done that at home for free. so i need to get my butt in gear and start meeting people and making friends. easier said than done. i don't even know what i am going to do tomorrow. i need to do something.

but i am learning how to cook stuff and i am doing pretty well for myself. i cook basically everyday. oh i do need to go grocery shopping tomorrow so i'll do that. exciting stuff. i hope that i am learning something and gaining something. at my internship the other day one of the guys asked me what i had learned and i honestly didn't have a good answer. and also what was the most fun part. and i also didn't have a good answer. but then i listened in on the marketing meeting and decided that was my favorite part. but also made me realize that the record labels need to change what they are doing or they are going to die. they are still just making and selling records and they make their money from people buying albums. but no one is buying albums anymore. so they will go out of business unless they do something different. and i'm hoping i'll be that something different one day and will lead the way of the music business. that's my dream.

also just to rub it into my face that i'm alone, Summer has her boyfriend Ben over so i get to hear them laughing and giggling and it just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. oh wait it doesn't. it makes me want to hide in my room and not talk to anyone. great job at being a loner, Molly. really glad you decided to come to Nashville so you can hide in your room. wow. i just realized i really wasted today. today was the first day that i wasted completely. i don't have a ton of time here and now that's one day completely gone. i won't let that happen again. i'll figure out something to do tomorrow. even though it makes me so uncomfortable to go out and do things by myself. but by the end of this trip i'll be an old pro at it. forever alone in Nashville.