this was a message to Abby. now i'm just posting it up here.

well i got my horse and my riding instructor never saw him before we bought him which she was sort of unhappy about so when i first had a lesson with her i was nervous about what she would think but we did really well together and i think she liked him. then i didn't ride him the next day because i had the horseshow/concert so my mom was going to ride him which i didn't really want her to but at least he was getting the exercise. she ended up not riding him because there was a huge thunderstorm and she didn't want to ride him for the first time in it. then the next day it was windy. so i was nervous to begin with before i even got on him - for my second time at my barn. and when i was walking him around he was walking faster than last time and then someone come in with a younger horse to lunge him. so i was nervous especially since i didn't have a riding instructor telling me what to do. and Maeve was riding in there with a little pony that he kept looking at. we were also trying a new bit which he kept playing with. so all of that was just complete nerves. and then we were still walking and he did a spook by the door which was closed and he almost ran into the other horse in there and then he took off again and i think he might have bucked but he was going. i managed to stay on and get him under control. i stopped him and stood there for a second before i got off. i was crying. i so wish i didn't cry because there are some girls at my barn who can be thrown off a million times but keep just getting back on without even crying. every time i have fallen off i have cried. and i cried then. so my mother walked him around the ring. then we left the ring and i cleaned my stall. i was still upset. and i was even more upset for being upset. then my mother put on his old bit and we waited until everyone was out of the ring. so my mom lunged him - which is just making the horse go around in a circle attached to the rope and he did another spook. so i was afraid to get back on him. which is awful. and i was mad at myself. i was still crying. so my mom rode him around a circle, not coming down to the end of the ring where he spooked. and he was perfect. i was still nervous and crying so i didn't want to get one him cause i thought that he was sense that i was nervous and be nervous but thank goodness my mother made me get on him because if i was afraid to get on my own horse it would be awful. so she just led me around while i walked. and it was fine. but that time when i was cleaning his stall and waiting to get back in the ring was awful. i felt like a little crybaby, a little woosie. then the next day i was going to have a lesson. so my mom lunged him before i got on and he bucked which scared me. then Carolyn my riding instructor lunged him and he did the little buck and run thing twice which completely freaked me out. i knew if he did that while i was on him i would be on the ground. i was crying again. of course. the other girls at my barn who are around my age don't cry. i've never seen them cry. it's only me. Carolyn asked me if i felt okay enough to get back on and i said yes. i wasn't going to be one of those girls that was afraid of her own horse. she told me to pull myself together. so i managed to get myself together and get on him and we just walked. Carolyn was right there and helped me. we trotted and everything was fine. then i was walking him with a long rein and he spooked again and we cantered over to the other side of the ring. i didn't fall off but i started to cry again. i wish i could just ride it and not be so nervous so that i would cry about those little things. Carolyn told me I needed to toughen up - then she said "well that is easy for me to say" - but she is right. why am i such a cry baby? then i rode him some more and he was fine. i had another lesson today - after Carolyn forgot about me and i waited around for two extra hours - and he was perfect and i didn't cry. but really i am just mad at myself for getting upset about those things and just crying. of course i know it is a horse and it is something that a lot of people can't do. but this is what i do. i should be able to do it. this is my horse. i should know that i am going to have to work with him. he isn't being bad. but i just have to be upset and be the timid little girl. i am suppose to be working with my horse, not crying every time he gets scared or needs help. so really i am just mad at myself. and that is only in the horse world. the home world and school world are completely separate.