i am sort of upset/sad/frustrated/blah/tired/relieved/toomanyfeelingsthatonepersonshouldneverhavetofeelatonetime
why you may ask? for several reasons. one being that i am here.
i am sitting here right now typing this up which frustrated me beyond what i can tell you. because i am not where i should be. in ohio. right now i should be at nationals with maeve. i should be competing. i should have missed school yesterday and today because i was going there. i should have wore those masks so i didn't get swine flu.
but instead i had to be human.
i had to make a mistake.
gah.
i know that i will forget all out it and really in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter and i really should be at school instead. but right now it hurts. especially since my dad thought that i shouldn't be here with Maura by ourself for all day yesterday and today so he told my gramma to come over. i love my gramma and all but it is harder for me to take care of her. i have to help her with the t.v. and what i hate the most is when she looks over my shoulder to see what i am doing on the computer. and all i can do is smile sweetly at her until she leaves. or she will ask me what i am doing. gahhhhhhh. we are fine by ourselves we don't need our gramma. i have been home alone with two little kids that i was responsible for before so why do i need someone to look over me when i am here with my sister? thanks dad for all of your concern. what if i was one of those girls on that movie we watched in health class? yeah. um. not going to happen. not with my father. he told me has what he is going to tell my first boyfriend when he comes to pick me up all ready figured out and it is not going to be pretty. well i don't have to worry about that for a while cause there is no boy right now that i would want to go out with, and i still think i am too young, and i don't want to deal with my parents, and not to mention there is no guy that would ask me out. which makes it easier i guess. stephanie has 10 guys that possible like her and only two she sort of likes back. lucky her.
today my dad did something semi-good. well since my sister and mother and in ohio now my dad had to bring me to school. and in the car he asked me if i wanted to be in ohio now. duhh. and he was talking about that and i had to try really hard not to cry. i think i did pretty good. it's important not to cry about horses in front of my dad or else then he would say something like if it is making you upset then why don't you just quit? i could tell him it is because i care so much for it that i get this upset about it. but i just thought of saying that now. but after that he said it didn't matter at all because one day everyone at school would know my name. and not because i was a mass murder. though i could pull that off.
one day i am going to extremely successful. i am not going to settle for anything else. i am going to be a household name and not because i am some actor or singer but because i did something with my life. because i was successful. i don't know exactly how but i know to get there now i need to work my hardest and get those good grades.
but that reminds me. i got a 78 on a spanish test. progress reports come out in a few weeks. i am afraid i won't be able to get my grade up. and my parents will be able to see that on my progress report. of course i was disappointed but i knew i wasn't going to do good. but i am not going to be able to explain that to my dad who just looks for the grade. my mother i think would understand more but i still don't want to disappoint them at all. it's hard.
my dad also said that he is blessed to have me as a daughter. he said he talks to some people that he sells stuff to about their teenagers and what they do and how i don't do any of that. yep. that's me. the good girl.
i really hope this all pays off in the end.
so the day of silence is coming up on wednesday and it is to bring awareness to gays, transgenders, lesbians, bi, and maybe some more. sorry if those aren't the right terms to use but i don't know the proper ones and that isn't the point. while that is all good and all i'm not doing. two of my friends are and i respect that. i most likely won't try to make them talk but it will be hard for me because just hearing her voice helps me through the day. more than she knows because she has been the only friend that i have been able to depend on all through high school. the only one. someone may ask me why i'm not doing it. and i will most likely just say because i don't want to. and if i say that they better not think that i have something against them because i do not. i could care less if you were straight or gay or whatever - meaning that i am not prejudice against them or whatever. but i sort of don't believe in what they are doing completely. it's sort of like making a big deal out of a black president. whites and blacks are equal so should it really even matter what color the president it? of course i guess to generations before mine it is a bigger deal because it wasn't always that way. and i guess is see it the same way with the day of silence. they are bringing awareness to it but if it doesn't matter if they are gay or such then why are you bring attention to it? that whole being silent to end the silence thing is sort of...um, okay? but of course i'm not going to run around the school yelling i think that the day of silence isn't...blah, blah, blah. so yeah. i don't have anything against the day of silence i just don't believe in it i guess. -shrug- and the reason i am saying this is because i wouldn't dare say that during school because a bunch of people would jump on me saying how could you think that and such. so yeah.
okay so while i was writing that the phone rang. it was my sister. she is in ohio now. she just rode a little while ago. guess what she got? 6th place. out of how many you may ask? 18. she got a 74 as a score and the first place had an 83. woowww. i am so happy for her but it's hard knowing that i really want to be there. bitter sweet. i almost cried while i was on the phone. gah. i wish i wasn't like that.
my gramma is here. she brought McDonalds. i thought we were going to cook pizza. ew. i had to eat some otherwise i would offend her. you know i understand now why both my gramma and grampa are...fat. they eat too much McDonalds. at least i had a salad. my gramma offered me some of hers - from McDonalds but i decided to eat some that we had in the fridge.
so yeah. i'm sort of in a bad mood. ahahahhhh.
this post too long to write. and i'm sure there will be more later. i don't know what time it will say i posted this at but it is 4:38 now.
(:
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