i just want my horse.

okay so i have a few major things to talk about. and just for a note - it is 6:00pm right now. okay so let's begin.

first a good short note because if i don't say this now then i will most likely never get to it - so i went to Pearl Street for the first time and I have decided that i am going to be front row at a show at Pearl Street. actually i had big dreams of my friends and I always being front row at Pearl Street. just going there whenever they had a show and getting there early every time just to be in the front row. we would be like Pearl Street junkies. and we wouldn't have to be accompanied by an adult. so once we can drive...(: for some reason i don't think this is going to happen even though i would love for it to.

next is the biggest piece i have to write about and will probably make me cry but since no one else is here i guess that is okay. seeing as i cried all last night about this.

A.J. might not be mine anymore. We might be giving him back.

He bucked me off on Friday.

Bucking is not a good thing. Especially when I fall off.

So I don't remember what I have wrote in this blog. I really should look so I don't spend forever saying what I already have a blog about. so i guess i will check now even though i know i have a really long one about Friday.

so guess what? i have already wrote about all the background stuff so i can just write exactly what is on my mind right now.

i really just want A.J. to work. i really just want a horse. i told everyone i have this horse and i really don't want to tell everyone who asks me how  he is doing "we had to give him back." and then they will be like "what? why?" and then i will have to be like "he wasn't the right match" and i would have to try hard not to cry. cause i am crying right now. i just want my horse. my horse meaning my horse. my horse could be A.J. or my horse could be a completely different horse that i haven't met yet. my horse maybe doesn't exist. i just want my horse though.

i told myself last night if i can't show my own horse this summer then i don't want to show at all. my own horse doesn't have to be A.J.. who would i ride anyways? Maeve is riding Herbie and I am not going to make her share, i had Herbie all to myself last summer. i really don't want to ride Revy because he is too moody and too much work on the ground. i guess i could show Murray but I would have to do walk-trot-canter with him and he really isn't ready to canter at shows. and when i am in that ring i don't want Murray with his cross cantering and really sprawled out canter. i want to beat everyone in that ring. especially Abby Szat and Chelsea C. i won't be able to beat them with Murray. not to mention that i am too big for Murray. so what the heck i am suppose to do? i need my horse.

if A.J. had never bucked when i was on him and only spooked i wouldn't be going through this right now. i would most likely still be riding him confidently. now i don't want to ride him when i'm not in a lesson. how come this can't work out for me? how come the one thing i do other can school can't work out? i don't have a bunch of friends that i see everyday after school. i never see them after school. i don't have a bunch of afterschool activities. all i have is horses. and my laptop. and i'm not even as good as a rider as i want to be. cause i didn't start riding before i could walk. i started riding before 5th grade. that is late. my sister started when i did so she was right before 1st grade. a much more reasonable age for her. most other girls my age are much better riders than me. i always seem to think i am a better rider than i am because the only girl i really see ride a lot has been riding before she can walk. and then there is Bella who is younger than me a better rider. i'm just not that good.

and that is another awful reason why i might not keep A.J. : i'm not a good enough rider. i can't keep A.J.'s attention enough so he won't buck. I can't keep him on the bit and I don't have those skills yet. i am starting to work on them but for me to work well on A.J. i need all of them now. i really want A.J. to work. why can't i just have those skills? why can't i just have the right horse? why do i have to go through all of this? it's not like i don't have enough things to worry about because i certainly do. i just want my horse.

so i just cried right then the most all day. and now i don't know what else to write about. actually i could but after that i don't really want to. maybe i will later. it's only 6:29. now 6:30. why can't i just have my horse?