so right now i am feeling sort of weird. there is this feeling in the pit of my stomach and i don't know how to describe it. nervous. dreading. sad. upset. yet i don't really know why but i am sure by the end of this post i'll have some idea because my fingers seem to know what my brain is saying better than I do.

so our play pretty much sucked. it didn't pretty much suck. it sucked. and it just frustrates me because the rest of the group didn't do anything. they just waited for orders. they didn't step up. but that goes for me too. i wish that we didn't have to do a play. i wish i could have written a story. it would have been about an Indian girl or boy who was growing up when all of that happened. it would have been amazing. maybe for my finale project in that class in addition to some 3D thing i can write a story. i would love to do that.

i haven't been to the barn yet since A.J. left. i'm afraid if i go there and see his old stall i will start to cry. i'm afraid of what people will say. i'm afraid i won't be able to hold myself together. i'm afraid of what is going to happen next. i'm afraid.

so today at the end of history we were able to just talk. and well our "clique" which is equal to Abby, Stephanie, Josh, and Jonathon were all talking. but i felt left out of course. i didn't know what to say. i felt out of place. not that it is a new feeling. i feel it a lot in other classes where i don't have any friends and i become the quiet girl who does all her work and never talks. that is the only class i feel it where my friends are. i don't feel comfortable in my own skin. isn't that whole feeling suppose to go away once you get out of middle school? why can't i be confident? i know i am not. i know that i am not at all. if i was confident that i wouldn't worry about what i say or what other people think of me. if i was confident then i would speak up in class even if none of my friends are there. i'm not confident. i'm not even confident when i am at the barn because i have no friends there either. i sort of started to get one friend when i went there after school every day in Kelley but i don't go there everyday after school anymore. and on the horse sometimes i am confident and sometimes i'm not. most times i can't think enough on the horse to worry about my confidence.

so really i'm an insecure quiet smart girl who isn't comfortable in her own skin and doesn't know how to talk to her own friends because there always seems to be an awkward silence between them and has so much stress that she breaks out which makes her feel worse about herself.