"i hope you don't hate me."

so right now i'm watching John and Kate plus Eight and i have had a horrible day. it is 6:20. so it is going to be hard because i am watching t.v. while i am doing this. but really i should do this yeah.

so last night after my dad came in and made me cry i almost fell asleep. i didn't set up that sentence right. anyways. my dad doesn't get a lot of things. i know that he means well and i love him very much but sometimes he doesn't understand things. at least he didn't mention it this morning when he drove me to school.

after my dad left i cried some more. then i almost fell asleep. i was waiting for mommy to come in and i wanted to talk to her but i was also dreading talking to her. when she came in i was half-asleep. and i had to wake up for her. and then she came and sat down and i think she said "sorry" first or something and we both cried and hugged. and then she said "i hope you don't hate me." and i was so surprised and i wasn't thinking that at all so i said something like that and i sounded stupid because i rushed it out. and then i tried to say something else but i just sounded like a bigger idiot. then my mother left and i cried a lot. i didn't cry for A.J. or anything like that i cried because my mother thought i hated her. i cried loudly and i repeated "i'm sorry mommy" over and over again even though i didn't know what i was sorry for. and then i had an idea and i wrote on my little pad of paper "Mommy I love you" and put that paper on mommy's bed. and then after forcing myself to count i was able to fall asleep.

this morning when i came downstairs mommy told me that she was leaving now. she was going to leave after she dropped me off but instead she left then. i felt so bad. so bad. so then my dad brought me to school. i was in a bad mood from the start. awful. and the rest of the day didn't help at all. and the play in history went horribly because no one knew what to do so we pretty much stood there and read out lines and it was awful. but at least it is over now.

then i came home and i folded clothes. there was a huge huge huge pile of clothes in my mother's room waiting to be folded and delivered to the proper room. so that is what i did. i brought my laptop up with me and i blasted music and folded clothes. i did that for a long time. Maeve and Maura came home at 3:30ish and i kept folding. then Maeve felt with gramma to go to dance and i kept folding. and then i finally finished folding like 4 something and i got in the shower. after my shower then i put away all my clothes. it was 5:30ish. yep. i spent three hours folding clothes. yes i had my laptop with me so it wasn't straight through but that was a long time.

so now i am horseless again. and i will never see A.J. again. and when i left the barn i didn't even look at him. i wasn't thinking about it. i just wanted to get home. now i wish i had. i didn't say goodbye. i wish i had. i wish a lot of things were different. mommy said that he was all excited getting on the trailer so maybe it was for the better and it wasn't going to work out anyways. but still it is going to be hard when people start asking me about my horse. i almost cried during lunch today. 

my mom's mother, Marielle, died when my mother was a teenager. i don't know how or why she died. all i know is she was killed. the doctor asked about it once during an appointment wondering if it was some sort of sickness that could be hereditary or something but my mother said she was killed. i have no idea how she was killed. i have never asked my mother. my mother has never brought it up. My mother use to ride horses and my mom said that her mother fell of a horse and broke her hip so they didn't ride anymore. Maeve, mommy, and I all started riding at the same time, the summer before fifth grade. almost 5 years ago.

what if mommy's mother was killed by a horse?

i think whatever happened with horses in my mother's past had to do with bucking and that is why my mother wouldn't give A.J. another chance after i was bucked off. i don't blame her. but i sort of wish she would tell me what happened but i'm too afraid to ask.

just like i am too afraid to ask to go to the play that is tonight. i want to see Abby and make sure she is okay. she had trouble breathing today. i know she will be fine but i still want to be there.

so now everyone is home. and i am hungry. and i haven't done anymore. and now i am leaving.