the climb.

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin, 
You'll never reach it, 
Every step I'm taking, 
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle, 
Sometimes you going to have to lose, 
Ain't about how fast I get there, 
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing, 
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
The pain I'm knowing
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I, 
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, 

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle, 
Sometimes you going to have to lose, 
Ain't about how fast I get there, 
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle, 
Sometimes you going to have to lose, 
Ain't about how fast I get there, 
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

so right now i am feeling sort of weird. there is this feeling in the pit of my stomach and i don't know how to describe it. nervous. dreading. sad. upset. yet i don't really know why but i am sure by the end of this post i'll have some idea because my fingers seem to know what my brain is saying better than I do.

so our play pretty much sucked. it didn't pretty much suck. it sucked. and it just frustrates me because the rest of the group didn't do anything. they just waited for orders. they didn't step up. but that goes for me too. i wish that we didn't have to do a play. i wish i could have written a story. it would have been about an Indian girl or boy who was growing up when all of that happened. it would have been amazing. maybe for my finale project in that class in addition to some 3D thing i can write a story. i would love to do that.

i haven't been to the barn yet since A.J. left. i'm afraid if i go there and see his old stall i will start to cry. i'm afraid of what people will say. i'm afraid i won't be able to hold myself together. i'm afraid of what is going to happen next. i'm afraid.

so today at the end of history we were able to just talk. and well our "clique" which is equal to Abby, Stephanie, Josh, and Jonathon were all talking. but i felt left out of course. i didn't know what to say. i felt out of place. not that it is a new feeling. i feel it a lot in other classes where i don't have any friends and i become the quiet girl who does all her work and never talks. that is the only class i feel it where my friends are. i don't feel comfortable in my own skin. isn't that whole feeling suppose to go away once you get out of middle school? why can't i be confident? i know i am not. i know that i am not at all. if i was confident that i wouldn't worry about what i say or what other people think of me. if i was confident then i would speak up in class even if none of my friends are there. i'm not confident. i'm not even confident when i am at the barn because i have no friends there either. i sort of started to get one friend when i went there after school every day in Kelley but i don't go there everyday after school anymore. and on the horse sometimes i am confident and sometimes i'm not. most times i can't think enough on the horse to worry about my confidence.

so really i'm an insecure quiet smart girl who isn't comfortable in her own skin and doesn't know how to talk to her own friends because there always seems to be an awkward silence between them and has so much stress that she breaks out which makes her feel worse about herself.

"i hope you don't hate me."

so right now i'm watching John and Kate plus Eight and i have had a horrible day. it is 6:20. so it is going to be hard because i am watching t.v. while i am doing this. but really i should do this yeah.

so last night after my dad came in and made me cry i almost fell asleep. i didn't set up that sentence right. anyways. my dad doesn't get a lot of things. i know that he means well and i love him very much but sometimes he doesn't understand things. at least he didn't mention it this morning when he drove me to school.

after my dad left i cried some more. then i almost fell asleep. i was waiting for mommy to come in and i wanted to talk to her but i was also dreading talking to her. when she came in i was half-asleep. and i had to wake up for her. and then she came and sat down and i think she said "sorry" first or something and we both cried and hugged. and then she said "i hope you don't hate me." and i was so surprised and i wasn't thinking that at all so i said something like that and i sounded stupid because i rushed it out. and then i tried to say something else but i just sounded like a bigger idiot. then my mother left and i cried a lot. i didn't cry for A.J. or anything like that i cried because my mother thought i hated her. i cried loudly and i repeated "i'm sorry mommy" over and over again even though i didn't know what i was sorry for. and then i had an idea and i wrote on my little pad of paper "Mommy I love you" and put that paper on mommy's bed. and then after forcing myself to count i was able to fall asleep.

this morning when i came downstairs mommy told me that she was leaving now. she was going to leave after she dropped me off but instead she left then. i felt so bad. so bad. so then my dad brought me to school. i was in a bad mood from the start. awful. and the rest of the day didn't help at all. and the play in history went horribly because no one knew what to do so we pretty much stood there and read out lines and it was awful. but at least it is over now.

then i came home and i folded clothes. there was a huge huge huge pile of clothes in my mother's room waiting to be folded and delivered to the proper room. so that is what i did. i brought my laptop up with me and i blasted music and folded clothes. i did that for a long time. Maeve and Maura came home at 3:30ish and i kept folding. then Maeve felt with gramma to go to dance and i kept folding. and then i finally finished folding like 4 something and i got in the shower. after my shower then i put away all my clothes. it was 5:30ish. yep. i spent three hours folding clothes. yes i had my laptop with me so it wasn't straight through but that was a long time.

so now i am horseless again. and i will never see A.J. again. and when i left the barn i didn't even look at him. i wasn't thinking about it. i just wanted to get home. now i wish i had. i didn't say goodbye. i wish i had. i wish a lot of things were different. mommy said that he was all excited getting on the trailer so maybe it was for the better and it wasn't going to work out anyways. but still it is going to be hard when people start asking me about my horse. i almost cried during lunch today. 

my mom's mother, Marielle, died when my mother was a teenager. i don't know how or why she died. all i know is she was killed. the doctor asked about it once during an appointment wondering if it was some sort of sickness that could be hereditary or something but my mother said she was killed. i have no idea how she was killed. i have never asked my mother. my mother has never brought it up. My mother use to ride horses and my mom said that her mother fell of a horse and broke her hip so they didn't ride anymore. Maeve, mommy, and I all started riding at the same time, the summer before fifth grade. almost 5 years ago.

what if mommy's mother was killed by a horse?

i think whatever happened with horses in my mother's past had to do with bucking and that is why my mother wouldn't give A.J. another chance after i was bucked off. i don't blame her. but i sort of wish she would tell me what happened but i'm too afraid to ask.

just like i am too afraid to ask to go to the play that is tonight. i want to see Abby and make sure she is okay. she had trouble breathing today. i know she will be fine but i still want to be there.

so now everyone is home. and i am hungry. and i haven't done anymore. and now i am leaving.

i just want my horse.

okay so i have a few major things to talk about. and just for a note - it is 6:00pm right now. okay so let's begin.

first a good short note because if i don't say this now then i will most likely never get to it - so i went to Pearl Street for the first time and I have decided that i am going to be front row at a show at Pearl Street. actually i had big dreams of my friends and I always being front row at Pearl Street. just going there whenever they had a show and getting there early every time just to be in the front row. we would be like Pearl Street junkies. and we wouldn't have to be accompanied by an adult. so once we can drive...(: for some reason i don't think this is going to happen even though i would love for it to.

next is the biggest piece i have to write about and will probably make me cry but since no one else is here i guess that is okay. seeing as i cried all last night about this.

A.J. might not be mine anymore. We might be giving him back.

He bucked me off on Friday.

Bucking is not a good thing. Especially when I fall off.

So I don't remember what I have wrote in this blog. I really should look so I don't spend forever saying what I already have a blog about. so i guess i will check now even though i know i have a really long one about Friday.

so guess what? i have already wrote about all the background stuff so i can just write exactly what is on my mind right now.

i really just want A.J. to work. i really just want a horse. i told everyone i have this horse and i really don't want to tell everyone who asks me how  he is doing "we had to give him back." and then they will be like "what? why?" and then i will have to be like "he wasn't the right match" and i would have to try hard not to cry. cause i am crying right now. i just want my horse. my horse meaning my horse. my horse could be A.J. or my horse could be a completely different horse that i haven't met yet. my horse maybe doesn't exist. i just want my horse though.

i told myself last night if i can't show my own horse this summer then i don't want to show at all. my own horse doesn't have to be A.J.. who would i ride anyways? Maeve is riding Herbie and I am not going to make her share, i had Herbie all to myself last summer. i really don't want to ride Revy because he is too moody and too much work on the ground. i guess i could show Murray but I would have to do walk-trot-canter with him and he really isn't ready to canter at shows. and when i am in that ring i don't want Murray with his cross cantering and really sprawled out canter. i want to beat everyone in that ring. especially Abby Szat and Chelsea C. i won't be able to beat them with Murray. not to mention that i am too big for Murray. so what the heck i am suppose to do? i need my horse.

if A.J. had never bucked when i was on him and only spooked i wouldn't be going through this right now. i would most likely still be riding him confidently. now i don't want to ride him when i'm not in a lesson. how come this can't work out for me? how come the one thing i do other can school can't work out? i don't have a bunch of friends that i see everyday after school. i never see them after school. i don't have a bunch of afterschool activities. all i have is horses. and my laptop. and i'm not even as good as a rider as i want to be. cause i didn't start riding before i could walk. i started riding before 5th grade. that is late. my sister started when i did so she was right before 1st grade. a much more reasonable age for her. most other girls my age are much better riders than me. i always seem to think i am a better rider than i am because the only girl i really see ride a lot has been riding before she can walk. and then there is Bella who is younger than me a better rider. i'm just not that good.

and that is another awful reason why i might not keep A.J. : i'm not a good enough rider. i can't keep A.J.'s attention enough so he won't buck. I can't keep him on the bit and I don't have those skills yet. i am starting to work on them but for me to work well on A.J. i need all of them now. i really want A.J. to work. why can't i just have those skills? why can't i just have the right horse? why do i have to go through all of this? it's not like i don't have enough things to worry about because i certainly do. i just want my horse.

so i just cried right then the most all day. and now i don't know what else to write about. actually i could but after that i don't really want to. maybe i will later. it's only 6:29. now 6:30. why can't i just have my horse?

so i still hate it.

today we went on a field trip. all well and dandy since it meant i didn't have to go to regular classes. so yeah. we climbed up Mt. Sugarloaf first which was pretty tiring but not too bad. the top was alright but we didn't stay up there for long before we headed back down. all fine. then we got back on the yellow bus and drove to Mt. Skinner. and the bus drove us to the halfway house and then we walked up. that was much harder than before because we kept going back and forth and it was steeper. then we got to the top and ate our lunch. and then we went over to the little house thing. at the beginning of the lunch break Jonathon was sitting away from us and we hadn't talked to him much then he came over and ate lunch with us - us being me and Stephanie. he sat next to Stephanie. so then we went back down but we went down this dirt path that was narrow and steep and rocky. it was quicker but harder. then we had to walk from the halfway house to the bottom where the bus was on a road. and then we got back on the bus and i had a headache and i knew if i didn't keep drinking water i would pass out. so i kept drinking water. and then i had to go to the bathroom. yep. the bathroom. then we rode the bus to see some dinosaur tracks. no bathroom there. then we went down to a river thingy and sat there for a bit and i just didn't even sit down because i had to go to the bathroom. and then finally we went back on the bus and drove to Tasty Top. the ride seemed to take forever. and then Stephanie and I jumped off the bus and went over to Burger King so we could go to the bathroom. and then we went back and got our ice cream. and by the time we got our ice cream everyone was already on the bus and we left for the school. and we got to the school and i cleaned out my locker. then we went and visited Mr. Touchette's class. and everything was still fine then i was just tired.

then i went to the barn. and i got changed into my riding pants. and i was extremely hot. did i mention it was extremely hot out today? so i got A.J. ready and i got on him. i was having my lessons with Bella and Sam was going to teach me. we were going to go down below for the first time. but then we ended up not. I would have rather had Carolyn teach me because she knows my abilities and how me and my horse interact better. so the beginning went well. she had me and Bella going over two sets of polls at the same time at the trot. then she turned them into jumps and we jumped at the same time. that was absolutely fine. and it was actually fine. then i went out on the outside so we had to move faster to be in time with Bella. and he was getting a little excited which was okay. but then there was some noise in the aisle and he did a spook/bolt/buck and i fell off. just wonderful. he had done that once before but i didn't fall off. so i was shaken up a bit but i wasn't showing it as much as i did the first time i almost fell off. and when Sam was holding him he did another spook thing. but i got back on and we just trotted over the polls at the same time. and then we were done. and i was just exhausted by then. luckily my mom came there and she cleaned my stall for me. and then i came home. and now i have to babysit. i'm making Maeve come with me. tomorrow i have a concert. and on Sunday if everything was going well I was suppose to go to a horse show but seeing as I fell off today that is not going to happen.

so my mother is concerned with the whole bucking thing. it would be on thing if he just spooked but he bucks too. she called the previous owner and trainer. and the trainer is going to talk to my instructor. this is all so if it is not going to work out we can get rid of him now before i get too attached.

great. just wonderful.

um. hate being a teenager pretty much. k thanks?

so i have two cavities. and i am upset about that. mostly because of the big deal the dentist and such made it. gr. 

so two weeks after i find that lovely news out i have to go to the orthodontist for the first time. i had been told that my teeth seem straight enough and they didn't think that i would need braces just maybe something to fix my gap. well too bad they aren't orthodontists. cause guess what? i need braces. so after that thing went around my head and i had to pull my lips away with some plastic things someone came in and looked at the pictures and told me what was wrong with me. i have a over jet which i never even noticed before and my teeth don't fit nicely together. so i was already starting to get upset guess i don't want braces. when i say upset i mean like my eyes started to get wet and i had to try not to cry. then she went on to show me invisalign and i was getting more excited. i liked the idea of invisalign a lot better than braces. then the actual orthodontist came in and looked at my teeth and said numbers and such. and basically told me: "You need braces. Invisalign might fix some of it but not all. So you need braces." and then they asked me questions like "what do you think about braces?" and i pretty much felt like crying and almost did right there. everyone is getting their braces off and i don't want to be getting mine on. i would have to have them for two years. 

my mother didn't set up another appointment and said we need to talk about it first. we haven't talked about it yet which i am glad about so i won't start balling as i start talking. why do we even need braces in the first place? oh right because everyone needs perfect teeth just like they need perfect clothes and a perfect body. greattttttt.

not to mention it is my time - otherwise known as i'm having my stupid period - and i had 4h - and it is 9:30 and i really feel like writing more but i'm too tired and i want to look at the invisalign teen site before i have to go to bed. righttt.

this was a message to Abby. now i'm just posting it up here.

well i got my horse and my riding instructor never saw him before we bought him which she was sort of unhappy about so when i first had a lesson with her i was nervous about what she would think but we did really well together and i think she liked him. then i didn't ride him the next day because i had the horseshow/concert so my mom was going to ride him which i didn't really want her to but at least he was getting the exercise. she ended up not riding him because there was a huge thunderstorm and she didn't want to ride him for the first time in it. then the next day it was windy. so i was nervous to begin with before i even got on him - for my second time at my barn. and when i was walking him around he was walking faster than last time and then someone come in with a younger horse to lunge him. so i was nervous especially since i didn't have a riding instructor telling me what to do. and Maeve was riding in there with a little pony that he kept looking at. we were also trying a new bit which he kept playing with. so all of that was just complete nerves. and then we were still walking and he did a spook by the door which was closed and he almost ran into the other horse in there and then he took off again and i think he might have bucked but he was going. i managed to stay on and get him under control. i stopped him and stood there for a second before i got off. i was crying. i so wish i didn't cry because there are some girls at my barn who can be thrown off a million times but keep just getting back on without even crying. every time i have fallen off i have cried. and i cried then. so my mother walked him around the ring. then we left the ring and i cleaned my stall. i was still upset. and i was even more upset for being upset. then my mother put on his old bit and we waited until everyone was out of the ring. so my mom lunged him - which is just making the horse go around in a circle attached to the rope and he did another spook. so i was afraid to get back on him. which is awful. and i was mad at myself. i was still crying. so my mom rode him around a circle, not coming down to the end of the ring where he spooked. and he was perfect. i was still nervous and crying so i didn't want to get one him cause i thought that he was sense that i was nervous and be nervous but thank goodness my mother made me get on him because if i was afraid to get on my own horse it would be awful. so she just led me around while i walked. and it was fine. but that time when i was cleaning his stall and waiting to get back in the ring was awful. i felt like a little crybaby, a little woosie. then the next day i was going to have a lesson. so my mom lunged him before i got on and he bucked which scared me. then Carolyn my riding instructor lunged him and he did the little buck and run thing twice which completely freaked me out. i knew if he did that while i was on him i would be on the ground. i was crying again. of course. the other girls at my barn who are around my age don't cry. i've never seen them cry. it's only me. Carolyn asked me if i felt okay enough to get back on and i said yes. i wasn't going to be one of those girls that was afraid of her own horse. she told me to pull myself together. so i managed to get myself together and get on him and we just walked. Carolyn was right there and helped me. we trotted and everything was fine. then i was walking him with a long rein and he spooked again and we cantered over to the other side of the ring. i didn't fall off but i started to cry again. i wish i could just ride it and not be so nervous so that i would cry about those little things. Carolyn told me I needed to toughen up - then she said "well that is easy for me to say" - but she is right. why am i such a cry baby? then i rode him some more and he was fine. i had another lesson today - after Carolyn forgot about me and i waited around for two extra hours - and he was perfect and i didn't cry. but really i am just mad at myself for getting upset about those things and just crying. of course i know it is a horse and it is something that a lot of people can't do. but this is what i do. i should be able to do it. this is my horse. i should know that i am going to have to work with him. he isn't being bad. but i just have to be upset and be the timid little girl. i am suppose to be working with my horse, not crying every time he gets scared or needs help. so really i am just mad at myself. and that is only in the horse world. the home world and school world are completely separate.

i'm sort of mad at myself.

yesterday i didn't get to ride my horse because our 4H club ran our horse show then i went to a concert. so i woke up at 6 am and went to bed at 1 am. then i woke up at 11am ish. i was so tired and i am even more tired now.

then i rode my horse. we put a new bit on him. and it was very windy out. i was nervous riding him because of the wind and he was walking faster than he did yesterday and then someone came in with a younger horse to lunge him. and we were still walking when he spooked at something near the door which was closed. and he almost ran into the horse on the lunge line and while i almost fell off i managed to get him to stop then i jumped off. and i was completely shaken up. i was crying.

then my mother walked him around 

and i never finished this because i had to finish homework and right now i am exhausted. it is 8pm. night!

guess what happened at school today?

guess what happened at school today?

Abby was sexually harassed.

oh my god.

i don't know what to say about this because this is the first time i have ever encountered something like this. ever. i know that Abby has been sexually harassed before but that was when we weren't twins.

this. has. happened. to. her. before.

why does she have to go through this? no one should have to. ever. but according to Ms. Levrault every girl will go through it at least once. what the fuck? they shouldn't. guys shouldn't either. yet they do.

so when I was talking to Abby online i had no idea what i was talking about. i was making completely nonsense. and if anything i probably make it worse. i'm a great friend, huh?

i look up to Abby a lot because she already has her own strong opinions on things that she could easily defend while i have no idea what i am talking about. Abby is so capable and amazing and she doesn't even realize it. i feel like i don't really compare to her because she doesn't care what other people think at all, she isn't afraid to be loud, she respects other people's opinions even when they aren't the same as her own, she knows how to deal with special needs children, she has a handle on her life, she doesn't let people keep her down, she controls her own life, she doesn't let her disability hold her back instead she accepts it, she is an amazing friend, she can deal with so much, she gets along with all different type of people, she knows who she is, and even if this isn't all true she has me believing it is.

so right now i should be working on a science project that is due tomorrow but if found this more important. i hope just by reading this you can understand something that is going on in my head cause right now i don't.

my twin is pretty much amazing. and she doesn't have to watch HSM and such with me unless she wants. i promise i won't dump her. now my boyfriend is another story.

um. thursday. oh my goodness.

i thought of some more!

The Lizzie McGuire Movie and Camp Rock, along with the second Camp Rock when it comes out.

(:

just so i don't forget i'm going to make a note of it here.

when i have a boyfriend i am going to watch all the High School Musical movies with him. and if he doesn't want to i will dump him. well if he doesn't want to but does anyways then i'll keep him. and also we have to watch Hannah Montana: the Movie. along with any other corny movie like those that make me smile.

k? (:

hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi ih hi

i am sort of upset/sad/frustrated/blah/tired/relieved/toomanyfeelingsthatonepersonshouldneverhavetofeelatonetime

why you may ask? for several reasons. one being that i am here.

i am sitting here right now typing this up which frustrated me beyond what i can tell you. because i am not where i should be. in ohio. right now i should be at nationals with maeve. i should be competing. i should have missed school yesterday and today because i was going there. i should have wore those masks so i didn't get swine flu.

but instead i had to be human.

i had to make a mistake.

gah.

i know that i will forget all out it and really in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter and i really should be at school instead. but right now it hurts. especially since my dad thought that i shouldn't be here with Maura by ourself for all day yesterday and today so he told my gramma to come over. i love my gramma and all but it is harder for me to take care of her. i have to help her with the t.v. and what i hate the most is when she looks over my shoulder to see what i am doing on the computer. and all i can do is smile sweetly at her until she leaves. or she will ask me what i am doing. gahhhhhhh. we are fine by ourselves we don't need our gramma. i have been home alone with two little kids that i was responsible for before so why do i need someone to look over me when i am here with my sister? thanks dad for all of your concern. what if i was one of those girls on that movie we watched in health class? yeah. um. not going to happen. not with my father. he told me has what he is going to tell my first boyfriend when he comes to pick me up all ready figured out and it is not going to be pretty. well i don't have to worry about that for a while cause there is no boy right now that i would want to go out with, and i still think i am too young, and i don't want to deal with my parents, and not to mention there is no guy that would ask me out. which makes it easier i guess. stephanie has 10 guys that possible like her and only two she sort of likes back. lucky her.

today my dad did something semi-good. well since my sister and mother and in ohio now my dad had to bring me to school. and in the car he asked me if i wanted to be in ohio now. duhh. and he was talking about that and i had to try really hard not to cry. i think i did pretty good. it's important not to cry about horses in front of my dad or else then he would say something like if it is making you upset then why don't you just quit? i could tell him it is because i care so much for it that i get this upset about it. but i just thought of saying that now. but after that he said it didn't matter at all because one day everyone at school would know my name. and not because i was a mass murder. though i could pull that off.

one day i am going to extremely successful. i am not going to settle for anything else. i am going to be a household name and not because i am some actor or singer but because i did something with my life. because i was successful. i don't know exactly how but i know to get there now i need to work my hardest and get those good grades.

but that reminds me. i got a 78 on a spanish test. progress reports come out in a few weeks. i am afraid i won't be able to get my grade up. and my parents will be able to see that on my progress report. of course i was disappointed but i knew i wasn't going to do good. but i am not going to be able to explain that to my dad who just looks for the grade. my mother i think would understand more but i still don't want to disappoint them at all. it's hard.

my dad also said that he is blessed to have me as a daughter. he said he talks to some people that he sells stuff to about their teenagers and what they do and how i don't do any of that. yep. that's me. the good girl. 

i really hope this all pays off in the end.

so the day of silence is coming up on wednesday and it is to bring awareness to gays, transgenders, lesbians, bi, and maybe some more. sorry if those aren't the right terms to use but i don't know the proper ones and that isn't the point. while that is all good and all i'm not doing. two of my friends are and i respect that. i most likely won't try to make them talk but it will be hard for me because just hearing her voice helps me through the day. more than she knows because she has been the only friend that i have been able to depend on all through high school. the only one. someone may ask me why i'm not doing it. and i will most likely just say because i don't want to. and if i say that they better not think that i have something against them because i do not. i could care less if you were straight or gay or whatever - meaning that i am not prejudice against them or whatever. but i sort of don't believe in what they are doing completely. it's sort of like making a big deal out of a black president. whites and blacks are equal so should it really even matter what color the president it? of course i guess to generations before mine it is a bigger deal because it wasn't always that way. and i guess is see it the same way with the day of silence. they are bringing awareness to it but if it doesn't matter if they are gay or such then why are you bring attention to it? that whole being silent to end the silence thing is sort of...um, okay? but of course i'm not going to run around the school yelling i think that the day of silence isn't...blah, blah, blah. so yeah. i don't have anything against the day of silence i just don't believe in it i guess. -shrug- and the reason i am saying this is because i wouldn't dare say that during school because a bunch of people would jump on me saying how could you think that and such. so yeah.

okay so while i was writing that the phone rang. it was my sister. she is in ohio now. she just rode a little while ago. guess what she got? 6th place. out of how many you may ask? 18. she got a 74 as a score and the first place had an 83. woowww. i am so happy for her but it's hard knowing that i really want to be there. bitter sweet. i almost cried while i was on the phone. gah. i wish i wasn't like that.

my gramma is here. she brought McDonalds. i thought we were going to cook pizza. ew. i had to eat some otherwise i would offend her. you know i understand now why both my gramma and grampa are...fat. they eat too much McDonalds. at least i had a salad. my gramma offered me some of hers - from McDonalds but i decided to eat some that we had in the fridge.

so yeah. i'm sort of in a bad mood. ahahahhhh.

this post too long to write. and i'm sure there will be more later. i don't know what time it will say i posted this at but it is 4:38 now.

(: