okay here we go.

I talked to Ellie for 45 minutes the other day. so we are good now. I pretty much said everything I had written before. and I guess we figured things out. like i'm sorry it had to happen like that, but most of that stuff had been festering for a while so just as well it got out there.

now onto more excited/awkward topics. sex. awesome. okay so the first time we made out I said no sex and he agreed and that was cool. and then the second time we made out, I did not make that clear. and then he said let me go get a condom. then I shook my head. and then said we are not having sex tonight. to which he said you're the worst. and that was fine and that was that.

so now I am worried that he will be disappointed when he finds out I do not want to have sex. which I shouldn't be worried because then I just kick him to the curb. so the fact that I am worried means I do have some feelings and hope that things will work out. starting to get attached which is why I need to have this conversation next time we hang out. as follows.

I need to tell him that I am not planning on having sex anytime soon. the only way I would feel comfortable having sex is if I was on birth control and I was in a committed relationship. neither of which are currently true. although I am starting to look at birth control options and thinking about going to health services at school and talking to the nurse. both Ellie and Amelie have gotten on birth control this year through health services. so that is an option, regardless of Prateek.

I just think I am almost, if not already, ready to have sex. it doesn't seem as big of a deal anymore and I feel pretty emotionally secure in myself to handle it. I mean I don't know if I will have it with Prateek. but if I do and then we end up not together, I feel like that is fine. I am open now to have sex with many guys throughout my life. I stick by that I was not ready to have sex with Josh, I was too young and not mentally or emotionally ready. but I feel independent and intelligent and kind of ready. but I do want to be in a relationship. and i'm still not on birth control, and i'm not risking that on a condom.

anyways since the Ellie thing was pretty much all settled, last night I couldn't sleep thinking about Prateek and all of this, which is why I needed to write it out.

basically on Thursday when i'm back i'm planning on meeting up with him. and then talk about this. and maybe that will end it right there if all he was interested in was sex. better to find out then instead of getting attached. it would actually make my life a lot easier if we just ended it then. like a lot easier. but maybe he will be fine with it. and then the next conversation, which might not happen then, will be if he will ever want to be in a relationship. since I know he said he has never been in a relationship and in college he wasn't looking for one. maybe that has changed, maybe not. i'm good with still just taking it one date at a time, but eventually if we want to keep dating then it will have to be a relationship. but odds are we won't even get there. i'm giving him many chances to get out of it.

but the strange part of me that is still romantic and has feelings is kind of hopeful. but then the realistic part kicks it and says it would be best if this was over soon. but it's been fun so far and I enjoy hanging out with him. i'm still optimistic and excited to see where it goes.

but we'll see, we'll see.