I was just going to go to sleep but I guess let me try to work through a few things. my enter button isn't working so this is going to be one long paragraph. cool. anyways. I think I don't want to care about people or anything really because it makes me vulnerable. I put myself out there and I give others control. well do I really have to give others control. well yeah cause I guess they can let me down. but I control how I react. but when I care, I care what they think, and I want them to like me. and I am disappointed when they do. I guess what I am supposed to do is embrace the insecurities and just put myself out there anyways and then I will be okay even if I am rejected or it doesn't work out, right? I mean I put myself out there with Prateek and asked him to hang out and he cancelled and now I am waiting to see if he wants to hang out again. I mean I could reach out again, but I think my caring for him isn't there as much. I still do care a bit because I am bummed out that he hasn't contacted me. I would like to think he cares about me too. a least enough to text me and not cancel last minute. but I guess not. and then with Marco and all, I guess...i'm thinking...but I don't even really know too much about it. that all came up because I thought he was cutest initially and then I was in situations where I could hang out with him one on one and talk to him more. and Italians are just culturally more flirtatious and friendly anyways. but now I care about what he thinks about me. and I guess if he knew how much I cared then that would give him power to reject me or maybe he doesn't care as much. but i'm going to have to put myself out there, right? and just be prepared and know that yeah it might not work out this time. but it is better to show my true self and be vulnerable. and one day that will pay off and the right people will walk into my life. by keeping myself closed off isn't going to invite anyone in, they shouldn't have to fight. I try to make it seem like I have my life together and I am so cool and like I don't care and like I am so secure in myself. but I can be secure in myself and be confident and care. I can be confident in that I can be insecure and be vulnerable and know myself and know that I am okay be confident in who I am when I am in those moments. I can just be myself and invite others to see me. and to care about them too. it's hard.


oh enter works now. perfect. I also have to watch myself not getting too annoyed with Ellie. whenever she gets clingy my first instinct is to push her away, which makes it worse. so today I just pushed away. she got back to campus and texted me and Amelie but I was still in a meeting so I didn't respond. and then I just still didn't respond. and anyways it doesn't matter but we got a text saying #alone and sad snaps. and then she gives me a hard time for just wanting to go to bed and the fact that I have a concert tomorrow so I won't spend time with her. so I said I was walking away that I am not here to please her. and then I got a snap saying "Please me" sort of making fun of what I said, but I was being serious. so ellie should get over it. anyways I am just kind of bitter and annoyed still. but I value my space, my independence, my privacy, and again: my space. I needed tonight to just go into my room by myself and think this through and go to sleep. I am going to be fast asleep by 9:30pm, that is assuming that I don't hear them in the common room.

deep breath.

I care about what you think of me.
I tell myself I shouldn't
but I care.

I care about that text which never comes.
I tell myself I shouldn't
but I care.

I care that you cancel plans again.
I tell myself I shouldn't
but I care.

I care that I waited all night.
I tell myself I shouldn't
but I care.

I care about you caring for me.
I tell myself I shouldn't
but I care.

I tell myself I shouldn't care
I tell myself I am all I need
I tell myself don't hold out hope
I tell myself you will be a fool
but I care.