happy 2016 everyone!

last post was about Ellie freaking out when I was on a date and guess what this post is about?! yep, Ellie freaking out while I'm on a date.

okay so I came up to Boston with Maeve on sunday and plans had changed but Ellie was going to come up on Monday morning and the three of us were going to go to the museum of science. and then I was going to meet up with Prateek, but he ended up cancelling so we were going to try to meet on Monday night instead, but I wasn't sure because I didn't know what the three of us were doing. anyways Ellie got into a fight with her dad because she found stuff on his computer, so she ended up driving up Monday night to stay with my aunt too. which was fine. and we talked and then went to sleep and it was fine. and I told her then I might go see Prateek on Monday, but it was still in the air. anyways so she was going to get dinner with her brother. so I went out to dinner with Prateek. and then towards the end of dinner she started texting me stuff like she didn't feel okay to drive and her brother already left. so I told her to take a lyft to my aunts and leave her car. and after some more texts I called her and I could tell she had been crying and I was trying to talk to her but then she said something like get back to your date and hung up on me. so I texted her some more. and then I didn't respond to some texts for a while because I didn't hear my phone vibrate. and she freaked out. and I said I was sorry. and then she pushed me again. and then she begged me back. so I called her and I was mad. because she never said what she wanted me to do, she was being passive aggressive. and it is not my job to drop everything and come save her. she was manipulating and guilt tripping me. but Prateek said I handled the phone call well. I don't know though. and she is jealous too, because she brought up how she didn't know how she felt about Amelie and I both being in relationships (which i'm not, on the third date) and I spat back about how well she is going to have to support us or stay upset because that isn't changing for her. anyways at this point she had driven back up to Maine. and she was saying how before she didn't feel comfortable going to my aunts house with me being there even though it was just Maeve who was there. but she never directly said that or asked me to go back, she hung up instead. anyways she made her mom kick her dad out of the house so she could stay there. but she texted me this morning which a picture of a turtle coming out of a suitcase, which is something we had just watched on Master of None, which you text when you don't know what to say. i'm not sure what to say yet, i'm not ready. so i'll probably talk to maeve some. and then call her later maybe. but I need to sort of my thoughts and what I want to say so she can't twist it her way.

- I'm sorry you're in this situation and have to deal with this.
- I personally am trying my best to help you, and you have to let me help you. but you can't expect me to drop everything to figure out everything, I have more to balance in my life than just you.
- I am figuring out how to be a good friend. I am not perfect. I also can't read your mind and know what you want me to do. I can't fight tooth and nail to get you to tell me how I can help. Also if you keep pushing me away, hanging up on the phone and saying it's okay, and then freaking out when I don't text back. and then saying you need a friend after dismissing all I've done to try to help and pushed me away.
- I feel a ton of pressure and expectations from you to fix everything and drop everything to come rushing to your side. which is not fair. you can't be dependent on me. I can try to help. I gave you somewhere to go. I called you. I asked you how I could help.

- as far as for me dating. I need to set up some boundaries. when i'm on dates, i'm not going to respond to any text messages. you have to trust that if I am uncomfortable or need help I will ask for it and reach out. you have to trust that I can handle myself.
- also, it's up to me what I decide to share and what I don't. and my choices are my choices. if I want help or advice i'll ask for it. you can support this or be mad and jealous, but I am going to keep making my choices based on what is best for me.
- I can't spend every second with you, whether i'm on a date, with other friends, studying, or whatever. how I decide to spend my time is my choice, as a friend I do not need to entertain you and spend as much time as possible with you. even if I am spending less time with you, it doesn't mean I care less, you just have to give me space to do what I have to do.

I don't know if i'll actually say any of that to her. but it is here in words, not just in mind. I think that covers pretty much everything. now I guess i'll get ready and then figure out how I want to deal with all of this.