i'm sitting in my room fucking crying but i'm drunk and lonely.

i'm so stupid. thinking that anyone would ever care for me. I know I am all I need. but I feel fucking thing and I am hopefully and it all falls fucking through. why do I let myself get my hopes up. I try not to, I really try not to. I put on a great front like I don't care but really I fucking do. I care. I don't want to care. but I do. and now I am crying again.

I haven't heard from Prateek since he cancelled on me. so he obviously doesn't care. and of course I still hold out hope because I sent him fucking snaps. and I am sure as soon as he texts me i'll be all over that again and giving him one more chance. have some fucking pride, Molly, and walk away.

by the way I hate that my name is a drug. people make those fucking jokes all the time and I hate them so much. but I just have to laugh and be a good sport. like fucking hell. why does my name have to be a drug? fuck fuck fuck.

and then what I think is most disappointing is that when Amelie and I went out to dinner one of the exchange students Alessandro texted me asking for advice about spring break. I was like well i'm out at dinner now but i'll let you know when i'm back. and then when I was back I invited them to come over to the suite. and they were like later. but then they ended up pregaming in their room with the other exchange students so obviously they never made it over. and then we were going to meet at pub but they get there 10 minutes before it is closing. and I saw Marco from afar but by the time we go over to him, he was gone. so I talked to Javier and Alessandro. but then Alessandro calls Marco and then we go to Isaac's suite and that was that. and that Isaac's suite they are doing hooka and I feel so out of place. so I leave and come back here and cry. and also when we were waiting for the exchange students, we had went down to Aashray's suite and I felt out of place there too. it was kind of fun and once I started drinking more I felt a little more at ease but I still didn't feel like I belonged. and then at pub I definitely didn't feel like I belong, I just kept looking for the exchange students.

well how much of a fool I feel. waiting for the fucking exchange students all night and then never even hanging out with them. well reality check for me. better back the fuck out of their and stop caring so much, Molly. it's obvious you cared and thought more of them then they did of you. so fuck me. always the fucking fool.

and then Amelie goes back to Isaac's suite because he is her boyfriend and of course she feels at ease there because she is with her boyfriend and she has a place to go. and I am back in my bed and i'm the only one in the suite. and I feel like I fucking fool. and I am so tired and I know I am drunk. but i'm not actually really, I was more so last weekend. but I feel like crap. and this sucks. and I still keep wanting to check my phone just in case someone texted me and someone actually cares. but I know no one did. so fuck me. alone forever. I act like I don't care but I do soooooo great.

oh fuck, Marco just sent me a voice message. I don't even know if I should listen to it. it will either make me feel better or make me feel worse. well I already feel like crap. sooooo. but what are the odds I was just talking about no one texting me and then he does.

yeah so he just wanted to know where I was. and I of course since I still care even though I know I shouldn't, I texted back and forth for a bit and told him he was too late. and i'm just a fucking idiot for still caring. but now I am go to sleep a little happier I guess. although I texted Amelie and she didn't respond. so sad there. but whatever. we will just see what happens.