I was named after my great aunt
I was not named after a drug

My freshman year someone wrote on either side of my door tag "popped a" and "i'm sweating, wooo"

every time it comes up in conversation my chest tightens waiting for the looks and comments
I laugh at the jokes even though I am not amused

I hear my name in all the songs
dancing with molly, where's molly, popped a molly, I'm looking for molly, I'm in a molly world, got your girl on molly, I see molly is the new cocaine, I put molly in her champagne, I just popped a molly and I think this be my third

I hope one day I love Molly will only have one meaning.

I was just going to go to sleep but I guess let me try to work through a few things. my enter button isn't working so this is going to be one long paragraph. cool. anyways. I think I don't want to care about people or anything really because it makes me vulnerable. I put myself out there and I give others control. well do I really have to give others control. well yeah cause I guess they can let me down. but I control how I react. but when I care, I care what they think, and I want them to like me. and I am disappointed when they do. I guess what I am supposed to do is embrace the insecurities and just put myself out there anyways and then I will be okay even if I am rejected or it doesn't work out, right? I mean I put myself out there with Prateek and asked him to hang out and he cancelled and now I am waiting to see if he wants to hang out again. I mean I could reach out again, but I think my caring for him isn't there as much. I still do care a bit because I am bummed out that he hasn't contacted me. I would like to think he cares about me too. a least enough to text me and not cancel last minute. but I guess not. and then with Marco and all, I guess...i'm thinking...but I don't even really know too much about it. that all came up because I thought he was cutest initially and then I was in situations where I could hang out with him one on one and talk to him more. and Italians are just culturally more flirtatious and friendly anyways. but now I care about what he thinks about me. and I guess if he knew how much I cared then that would give him power to reject me or maybe he doesn't care as much. but i'm going to have to put myself out there, right? and just be prepared and know that yeah it might not work out this time. but it is better to show my true self and be vulnerable. and one day that will pay off and the right people will walk into my life. by keeping myself closed off isn't going to invite anyone in, they shouldn't have to fight. I try to make it seem like I have my life together and I am so cool and like I don't care and like I am so secure in myself. but I can be secure in myself and be confident and care. I can be confident in that I can be insecure and be vulnerable and know myself and know that I am okay be confident in who I am when I am in those moments. I can just be myself and invite others to see me. and to care about them too. it's hard.


oh enter works now. perfect. I also have to watch myself not getting too annoyed with Ellie. whenever she gets clingy my first instinct is to push her away, which makes it worse. so today I just pushed away. she got back to campus and texted me and Amelie but I was still in a meeting so I didn't respond. and then I just still didn't respond. and anyways it doesn't matter but we got a text saying #alone and sad snaps. and then she gives me a hard time for just wanting to go to bed and the fact that I have a concert tomorrow so I won't spend time with her. so I said I was walking away that I am not here to please her. and then I got a snap saying "Please me" sort of making fun of what I said, but I was being serious. so ellie should get over it. anyways I am just kind of bitter and annoyed still. but I value my space, my independence, my privacy, and again: my space. I needed tonight to just go into my room by myself and think this through and go to sleep. I am going to be fast asleep by 9:30pm, that is assuming that I don't hear them in the common room.

deep breath.

I care about what you think of me.
I tell myself I shouldn't
but I care.

I care about that text which never comes.
I tell myself I shouldn't
but I care.

I care that you cancel plans again.
I tell myself I shouldn't
but I care.

I care that I waited all night.
I tell myself I shouldn't
but I care.

I care about you caring for me.
I tell myself I shouldn't
but I care.

I tell myself I shouldn't care
I tell myself I am all I need
I tell myself don't hold out hope
I tell myself you will be a fool
but I care.

i'm sitting in my room fucking crying but i'm drunk and lonely.

i'm so stupid. thinking that anyone would ever care for me. I know I am all I need. but I feel fucking thing and I am hopefully and it all falls fucking through. why do I let myself get my hopes up. I try not to, I really try not to. I put on a great front like I don't care but really I fucking do. I care. I don't want to care. but I do. and now I am crying again.

I haven't heard from Prateek since he cancelled on me. so he obviously doesn't care. and of course I still hold out hope because I sent him fucking snaps. and I am sure as soon as he texts me i'll be all over that again and giving him one more chance. have some fucking pride, Molly, and walk away.

by the way I hate that my name is a drug. people make those fucking jokes all the time and I hate them so much. but I just have to laugh and be a good sport. like fucking hell. why does my name have to be a drug? fuck fuck fuck.

and then what I think is most disappointing is that when Amelie and I went out to dinner one of the exchange students Alessandro texted me asking for advice about spring break. I was like well i'm out at dinner now but i'll let you know when i'm back. and then when I was back I invited them to come over to the suite. and they were like later. but then they ended up pregaming in their room with the other exchange students so obviously they never made it over. and then we were going to meet at pub but they get there 10 minutes before it is closing. and I saw Marco from afar but by the time we go over to him, he was gone. so I talked to Javier and Alessandro. but then Alessandro calls Marco and then we go to Isaac's suite and that was that. and that Isaac's suite they are doing hooka and I feel so out of place. so I leave and come back here and cry. and also when we were waiting for the exchange students, we had went down to Aashray's suite and I felt out of place there too. it was kind of fun and once I started drinking more I felt a little more at ease but I still didn't feel like I belonged. and then at pub I definitely didn't feel like I belong, I just kept looking for the exchange students.

well how much of a fool I feel. waiting for the fucking exchange students all night and then never even hanging out with them. well reality check for me. better back the fuck out of their and stop caring so much, Molly. it's obvious you cared and thought more of them then they did of you. so fuck me. always the fucking fool.

and then Amelie goes back to Isaac's suite because he is her boyfriend and of course she feels at ease there because she is with her boyfriend and she has a place to go. and I am back in my bed and i'm the only one in the suite. and I feel like I fucking fool. and I am so tired and I know I am drunk. but i'm not actually really, I was more so last weekend. but I feel like crap. and this sucks. and I still keep wanting to check my phone just in case someone texted me and someone actually cares. but I know no one did. so fuck me. alone forever. I act like I don't care but I do soooooo great.

oh fuck, Marco just sent me a voice message. I don't even know if I should listen to it. it will either make me feel better or make me feel worse. well I already feel like crap. sooooo. but what are the odds I was just talking about no one texting me and then he does.

yeah so he just wanted to know where I was. and I of course since I still care even though I know I shouldn't, I texted back and forth for a bit and told him he was too late. and i'm just a fucking idiot for still caring. but now I am go to sleep a little happier I guess. although I texted Amelie and she didn't respond. so sad there. but whatever. we will just see what happens.

alright update. I don't really care about Prateek currently. like barely at all. okay bye Felicia.

but I don't like the whole thing I currently having going on with marco, which isn't a think at all. it's that I know I like him. and it makes me vulnerable. and it's scary. especially with that whole weird peer mentor thing. so all the exchange students know me and I don't know it's strange. and he's only here for a semester. and it get all those stupid butterflies. and I don't know what to say to him. and I know that I don't really know him that well. but I still want to kiss him. and hug him. and I am excited when I see him. like today he messaged me directly and asked to have lunch in reys like we did last Tuesday. it's a stupid crush and I don't like it. I like to be in control of my feelings and situations. and this I am not in control.

life is crazy, man. but part of my thinking is like, I only have a semester left so no more repercussions at babson, and he's only here a semester only. but even if we did hook up, where would we even go, with my noisy suitemates and he has a roommate. I am getting way ahead of myself. stop stop, molly.

okay game plan. because I like control and all. just spend time with him when you can but don't go out of your way or make it crazy obvious you want to spend time with him.

oh sidebar. soooo I do this thing where when i'm hanging out with someone I like, but I don't know if they are enjoying hanging out, where I will call them out and say they are bored or they don't actually want to spend time with me. so I've done this twice with Marco now. and apparently when him, Alessandro, and Amelie were walking to Tomasso together, Marco was talking to her about it and all worried. and confused as to why I do that. which makes me feel bad. but if it comes up with him I will tell him to ignore me, i'm just giving him a hard time, that I do enjoy spending time with him and i'm just worried that he doesn't enjoy hanging out with me that's all.

ahhhh stupid. I wish I didn't even have to worry about this. now I should go to bed because i'm exhausted. goodnight.

hi i'm exhausted but it is only 9:30 so I feel like I have time for an update. hold on let me see where we left off.

oh geez. okay well since then I have gone through orientation and my first week of school and my last first day of classes. I haven't seen Prateek still. so let's start with him. so I had orientation so I couldn't meet him then. and then his friend, Alex, was staying with him for a week so I couldn't see him then. and I was waiting this week for him to ask to hang out but he never did and I got sick of it so yesterday I asked "Do you want to hang out tomorrow?" and then today he texted me back saying sure. but then he warned me that he was sick. I was like that's fine. so I made plans to meet Karla first and then go to dinner with Prateek. but when I was with Karla he cancelled because he wasn't feeling well. so I was kind of bummed. but I was able to have dinner with Karla and catch her up on everything that happened since I have been back. so now it is up to Prateek to reach back out and plan something or whatever.

but also the exchange students are here. and they are awesome. and I really like them and they are really fun. pretty much all of them. and then let me tell you about one in particular, Marco. I wasn't there when he checked in or first got here, but I met him the first day of orientation. and for his fact about himself he said it was always his dream to come to the US and now he is here. I thought he was cute. he is from Italy. anyways. first day of classes, Roxy and I are in the library after our class and before lunch and Marco walks by so I call him over and ask how classes were and all. and then he is on his way. and then I am walking through the lib before we go to lunch and I see him there by  himself so I invite him to lunch with Roxy and I. and I talk to him at lunch and he sits across from me and keeps looking at me and actively making conversation. and that was cool. and then the next night I am at pub and I message the exchange group and tell them to come to pub, and him and Alessandro his roommate were already there. so they come and join Ellie, Amelie, and I. and he sits next to me. and we talk and have fun. and take a selfie together to send to an exchange student from last spring he had talked to before coming here. anyways then the next night we are at pub again and all the exchange students are there, or a lot of them. and I talk to him for a bit again and tell him that the past exchange student didn't recognize him but thought he was hot. and then later i'm dancing with my friends and he joins and it turns into Amelie and Ellie showing him "Molly dance moves" and I don't remember how that ends but it does. and then that's that. and then last night Ellie and I went to Reynolds to get food and then first it is just two exchange students, Javier and Carlos we are talking to. and then the rest show up and all join us at the table. and of course Marco sits across from me. and he is trying to get me to go to Pietz with him, where I just was and left. and I tell him no and give him a hard time for just using me to get into parties. and then they leave. but at some point he had taken a picture of me, I don't know why. and then today he just sends me that picture so I respond with Beautiful. and that is all. and Ellie and Amelie know that I think he is cute so that makes it fun/awkward. but anyways. there is that update.

and I hate that I am still like their peer mentor so it is a weird sort of place. I want to be able to invite them to my party and hang out with them all the time but i'm not sure if I am supposed to. being a peer mentor for exchange students is different than being one for first year students. but anyways. I should go to sleep now. we will see how tomorrow goes!

so it's been a day since I last posted and I already have an update.

the odds are looking less in Prateek's favor. for a second they were looking bright when he suggested an adventure and then they dove down. waiting to see if he is going to try to save himself. kind of nervously waiting and kind of hoping but also preparing myself to not respond.

Prateek: Sounds good. I have an idea, are you down to be a little adventurous?
Molly: Yes! What's your idea?!
P: Ugh what I was thinking of is closed in the winter :/
Btw don't mean to peer pressure at all, but would you be interested in giving maryj a try once again? We'll do it right this time and I can be your high/trip sitter. That could be kinda adventurous lol
M: I'm pretty sure you're thinking of someone else because I haven't tried with you. But I'm not interested.

so the red flags there are that 1. he thinks that i'm someone else 2. whoever this person is, it didn't go well the first time 3. "we'll do it right this time" freaks me out 4. he is offering over text like this at all

like I don't care if he does it. and I don't think I would have cared so much if he just asked. but the fact that he is confusing me with someone else and when they tried it didn't go well freaks me out.

and I mean if I was ever going to try it would be with people I trust my life with and I know super well, which does not include him. and I don't want to try it anyways.

but anyways unless he has a major save, he may have just ended whatever this weird date thing we had going was.

sorry this has been nonstop about Prateek lately but that is the sort of thing I need to work through.

so in my head I was planning on seeing him on Thursday when i'm back at school before orientation starts. but he just said he couldn't because one of his friends is visiting which is fine.

but recently the past few days we haven't talked and it has been nice and I am seeing that this most likely will not work out. unless I commit to it, it's not worth the time, energy, or effort. so I am thinking our next date will probably be the last one. unless it is so amazing I feel like it could work out, maybe when i'm back in Boston I will feel that way. I am guessing not. but also when you are in the presence of someone it is hard to think critically. after not talking to him it is easy to see my life without him. and I mean I figured it wasn't going to work anyways. but it was a good start back into the dating world, which I figure I will be in more heavily once I graduate and move wherever i'm moving.

i'll still have another date with Prateek and see, maybe it will go on longer. but things will change when i'm back at school and doing all of that. but i'll respond to him now even though it takes him hours to respond, which is fine. I don't really care at this point. i'm tired. I need to sleep. last day at home tomorrow.

okay here we go.

I talked to Ellie for 45 minutes the other day. so we are good now. I pretty much said everything I had written before. and I guess we figured things out. like i'm sorry it had to happen like that, but most of that stuff had been festering for a while so just as well it got out there.

now onto more excited/awkward topics. sex. awesome. okay so the first time we made out I said no sex and he agreed and that was cool. and then the second time we made out, I did not make that clear. and then he said let me go get a condom. then I shook my head. and then said we are not having sex tonight. to which he said you're the worst. and that was fine and that was that.

so now I am worried that he will be disappointed when he finds out I do not want to have sex. which I shouldn't be worried because then I just kick him to the curb. so the fact that I am worried means I do have some feelings and hope that things will work out. starting to get attached which is why I need to have this conversation next time we hang out. as follows.

I need to tell him that I am not planning on having sex anytime soon. the only way I would feel comfortable having sex is if I was on birth control and I was in a committed relationship. neither of which are currently true. although I am starting to look at birth control options and thinking about going to health services at school and talking to the nurse. both Ellie and Amelie have gotten on birth control this year through health services. so that is an option, regardless of Prateek.

I just think I am almost, if not already, ready to have sex. it doesn't seem as big of a deal anymore and I feel pretty emotionally secure in myself to handle it. I mean I don't know if I will have it with Prateek. but if I do and then we end up not together, I feel like that is fine. I am open now to have sex with many guys throughout my life. I stick by that I was not ready to have sex with Josh, I was too young and not mentally or emotionally ready. but I feel independent and intelligent and kind of ready. but I do want to be in a relationship. and i'm still not on birth control, and i'm not risking that on a condom.

anyways since the Ellie thing was pretty much all settled, last night I couldn't sleep thinking about Prateek and all of this, which is why I needed to write it out.

basically on Thursday when i'm back i'm planning on meeting up with him. and then talk about this. and maybe that will end it right there if all he was interested in was sex. better to find out then instead of getting attached. it would actually make my life a lot easier if we just ended it then. like a lot easier. but maybe he will be fine with it. and then the next conversation, which might not happen then, will be if he will ever want to be in a relationship. since I know he said he has never been in a relationship and in college he wasn't looking for one. maybe that has changed, maybe not. i'm good with still just taking it one date at a time, but eventually if we want to keep dating then it will have to be a relationship. but odds are we won't even get there. i'm giving him many chances to get out of it.

but the strange part of me that is still romantic and has feelings is kind of hopeful. but then the realistic part kicks it and says it would be best if this was over soon. but it's been fun so far and I enjoy hanging out with him. i'm still optimistic and excited to see where it goes.

but we'll see, we'll see.

happy 2016 everyone!

last post was about Ellie freaking out when I was on a date and guess what this post is about?! yep, Ellie freaking out while I'm on a date.

okay so I came up to Boston with Maeve on sunday and plans had changed but Ellie was going to come up on Monday morning and the three of us were going to go to the museum of science. and then I was going to meet up with Prateek, but he ended up cancelling so we were going to try to meet on Monday night instead, but I wasn't sure because I didn't know what the three of us were doing. anyways Ellie got into a fight with her dad because she found stuff on his computer, so she ended up driving up Monday night to stay with my aunt too. which was fine. and we talked and then went to sleep and it was fine. and I told her then I might go see Prateek on Monday, but it was still in the air. anyways so she was going to get dinner with her brother. so I went out to dinner with Prateek. and then towards the end of dinner she started texting me stuff like she didn't feel okay to drive and her brother already left. so I told her to take a lyft to my aunts and leave her car. and after some more texts I called her and I could tell she had been crying and I was trying to talk to her but then she said something like get back to your date and hung up on me. so I texted her some more. and then I didn't respond to some texts for a while because I didn't hear my phone vibrate. and she freaked out. and I said I was sorry. and then she pushed me again. and then she begged me back. so I called her and I was mad. because she never said what she wanted me to do, she was being passive aggressive. and it is not my job to drop everything and come save her. she was manipulating and guilt tripping me. but Prateek said I handled the phone call well. I don't know though. and she is jealous too, because she brought up how she didn't know how she felt about Amelie and I both being in relationships (which i'm not, on the third date) and I spat back about how well she is going to have to support us or stay upset because that isn't changing for her. anyways at this point she had driven back up to Maine. and she was saying how before she didn't feel comfortable going to my aunts house with me being there even though it was just Maeve who was there. but she never directly said that or asked me to go back, she hung up instead. anyways she made her mom kick her dad out of the house so she could stay there. but she texted me this morning which a picture of a turtle coming out of a suitcase, which is something we had just watched on Master of None, which you text when you don't know what to say. i'm not sure what to say yet, i'm not ready. so i'll probably talk to maeve some. and then call her later maybe. but I need to sort of my thoughts and what I want to say so she can't twist it her way.

- I'm sorry you're in this situation and have to deal with this.
- I personally am trying my best to help you, and you have to let me help you. but you can't expect me to drop everything to figure out everything, I have more to balance in my life than just you.
- I am figuring out how to be a good friend. I am not perfect. I also can't read your mind and know what you want me to do. I can't fight tooth and nail to get you to tell me how I can help. Also if you keep pushing me away, hanging up on the phone and saying it's okay, and then freaking out when I don't text back. and then saying you need a friend after dismissing all I've done to try to help and pushed me away.
- I feel a ton of pressure and expectations from you to fix everything and drop everything to come rushing to your side. which is not fair. you can't be dependent on me. I can try to help. I gave you somewhere to go. I called you. I asked you how I could help.

- as far as for me dating. I need to set up some boundaries. when i'm on dates, i'm not going to respond to any text messages. you have to trust that if I am uncomfortable or need help I will ask for it and reach out. you have to trust that I can handle myself.
- also, it's up to me what I decide to share and what I don't. and my choices are my choices. if I want help or advice i'll ask for it. you can support this or be mad and jealous, but I am going to keep making my choices based on what is best for me.
- I can't spend every second with you, whether i'm on a date, with other friends, studying, or whatever. how I decide to spend my time is my choice, as a friend I do not need to entertain you and spend as much time as possible with you. even if I am spending less time with you, it doesn't mean I care less, you just have to give me space to do what I have to do.

I don't know if i'll actually say any of that to her. but it is here in words, not just in mind. I think that covers pretty much everything. now I guess i'll get ready and then figure out how I want to deal with all of this.