so i had an interesting weekend and i'm not sure i want to talk about it right now because i'm really tired. but i met my dad's girlfriend first of all.

and yeah i don't feel like talking about it. i'm going to sleep.

i went and saw AJR today! and they remembered me. and Adam said he read my email and it's a good idea and he has some suggestions he is going to send me. and they are so good live. and they are so awkward. but i love them so much. and Adam is the best and nicest and talks to me. the other two are kind of lame - just kidding! not really.

but i went with Roxy and she saw how happy i was in this environment. she was like "you're happy" and i was like yeahhhh...and she was saying how i found my passion and everything. and it kind of made me realize that i did, sort of. like i love music and would absolutely love a career in music, but i feel like so many people love music too.

wait, molly, how many concerts have you seen compared to the average person? and how many tickets do you have to upcoming concerts...4 tickets to 4 different concerts already bought. yeah i guess i really like live music and the music industry and stuff.

i would love it so much if i was involved in the music industry as a job. as a band manager or an entrepreneur creating something related to music. i want to tour with a band or artist at least once in my life. and yeah. i love concerts. they make me happy.

hi so i'm not special. i thought those emails from Zuri were special but really everyone who is part of the "honor roll" so i'm not special at all. whatever. i'm going to try to be king the kid's manager. working on that.

but the shaytards are having their fifth baby and i'm super excited! i can't check twitter to see so i told both maeve and my mom to keep me updated! yayyy!

and i'm going to see AJR and Fifth Harmony today and it should be good! can't wait! and all my MCE midterms are done and i just did awesome on the finance exam, or at least i really hope/think i did. yayyyy! and i'm going home tomorrow morning! yayyy!

i don't want to go to sleep yet but i don't want to watch any more youtube videos and without social media i have nothing to do. i'm just listening to Hunter Hayes's song and then i'm going to go to sleep. i'm going to get sick of this song i'm listening to it so much but i love it.

i would love to have a boyfriend or just someone to flirt with and just have fun hanging out with. but i don't know if i really want a boyfriend now you know? or maybe i'm just saying that because i haven't found anyone. if it's the right person then of course. but i like being available for my band boys. umm Jose, Ricky still single and very much the right age.

i was stupid and sent some stupid messages to Jose on facebook/tumblr but i'm hoping he will forget about them or when i meet him he won't remember. also it's going to be awkward seeing Adam on Friday after i sent him all my business stuff and he hasn't read it and given me his response yet. he had emailed me saying he was busy. but now i'm thinking it wasn't the best idea to email him. i don't know. we will see. i still have to figure out who is coming with me to that concert. i have to get through midterms first. got one tomorrow at 8:30am, then another wednesday, then another friday. then i might have a double horse show weekend or maybe not, depending on if Babson can get it's shit together and give us a check within the next two days or not. we will see!

okay i should get ready to sleep now so i can be fully rested for my exam. who knows maybe i'll meet the man of my dreams tomorrow. ha funny. maybe i already met him...that's more interesting especially if he is a musician. if not, not as interesting.

just kidding! i'll love my future boyfriend/husband even if he isn't a musician!

(maybe)

every time i watch king the kid videos i love them even more. but it's a weird sort of love. almost like i'm distanced from them and i wouldn't fit in yet i want to so badly. like i would create a business just so i could be best friends with them. it's almost like torture watching their videos i want to be friends with them and hang out with them so badly.

the new song i'm addicted to is I Want Crazy by Hunter Hayes and i'm typically not a country person. but this is so catchy and i love when it comes on the radio.

in other not so good news, my roommate is cutting herself. she broke up with her boyfriend (which i think was the right decision) and has been depressed and this is what she has turned to. she hasn't even slept in the room the past three nights and i don't know who's room she has been staying in. i don't know her that well, we aren't really friends, we get along and everything, but we don't hang out or do anything outside of talking to each other when we are in the dorm. but we have one good mutual friend who i have been talking with, Emma. and Emma is so strong. she is going through shit in her life too and she is still there for Ah Young and figuring everything out. I look up to Emma immensely. i am trying to help her as much as i can but i feel like i'm not doing enough. like last night i hear Ah Young come back around 2am but i fell back asleep and then i hear her doing something at her desk or with the trash but i was so tired and just went back to sleep, i never really woke up completely. but i wake up and there are bloody tissues in the trash can so she was obviously cutting when i heard her. then i saw the cuts on her arm. it's so messed up though, Emma was having a breakdown in the common room and cried for like 30 seconds and Ah Young came in and gave her a hug and once Ah Young left Emma looked at me and was like "did you see anything?" and of course i looked when she hugged Emma and sure enough there were cuts. but the thing was that even though Ah Young was trying to comfort Emma, we were both thinking about seeing if she hurt herself. Emma couldn't even be sad for that long because she is worrying about so many other people than herself. she is amazing. i just really want to take some of the pressure off of her and help her. and i want to help Ah Young so she is better too. i don't know, it's horrible, and i don't know what to do. i'm not good with this stuff.

hi. so Taylor's manager, Zuri, just emailed me the rough draft of an email Taylor wrote. i was BCCed and there was nothing else with it. i don't know what to think. but i'm excited. like i know we are close with them but i haven't really been involved in a lot of management stuff. and this is the first time! and Zuri emailed me directly, not through my mom, and she did that without me asking if i could see it. and ahhh that's so exciting. i don't know if i'm supposed to respond or do what. i might just wait and see if i get another email explaining more. if not, in the morning i might email her. i just feel so important. i had no idea that watching Taylor on America's Got Talent all those years ago would lead me to being this involved in his career and all. ahh exciting. i wanted to find the original email when my emailed my mom about his 1st kickstarter. but i couldn't find it, but i'm going to look in old blog posts.

omg, in June 2011, so almost two and a half years ago i first saw him on AGT and added him to my list of people to meet...and now yayyy.

people think i'm obsessed with him or talk about him too much, like literally my friends roll their eyes when i mention him. but he is just a really big part of my life, which is kind of strange, i know. but somehow he managed to get my family and i invested. like we couldn't back out now even if we wanted to. i'm taking a break from social media yet Taylor is a part of my daily life. like it blows my mind, i can barely fathom it.

it makes me happy.

and it also gets me thinking. like if i run this whole "Honor Club" thingy which is what the email was about and stuff. and essentially it's really similar to Fannattic. So if can run this for Taylor successfully, i can just cut out the whole one website thingy and do this for different bands and such. basically run a "street team" for them and do a type of management. and maybe eventually i'm manage different bands and artists and maybe then i'll have my own management company or even a record label or something. i don't know. dreaming big here. but it's exciting.

and now i'm going to go to sleep because tomorrow i have a full day of studying for my microeconomics exam that i have on monday which i need to study for a lot.

anyways, yeah (: night!

hi, i just wanted to give you a quick update before i go to sleep. let me just see where i left off last time i talked to you if this other tab will ever load.

okay so you actually know more than i thought.

umm, i didn't meet the father's girlfriend yet, but he will probably bring her up here at some point. he says how she doesn't want it to be an arranged meeting but he is doing pretty much all he can without arranging a meeting to have us meet. which is fine. i mean i'll be dating again eventually too so that will be fun.

anyways. i quit social media for a month. meaning not going on facebook, twitter, instagram, tumblr, and snapchat. i can still do youtube and this obviously. but i was just too addicted and it wasn't good for me to be worrying all about what everyone else was doing. like i need to focus on myself and the people around me. i'll see if i go back in a month or not. i'll probably just go back to my old addictive ways.

but i told josh i was quitting facebook so if he wanted to talk to me then he could text me. i haven't heard from him yet. i really just want to cut all this polite small talk about of the way and be like "so what are you thinking about us? where are you at? like do you ever want to talk to me again or do you hate my guts?" i'll probably give him this month as a break but i'll see after this month if i want to talk to him again or not. i don't know, right now i do but maybe that's just because i'm feeling lonely and missing him. maybe if i meet some new people i won't want to talk to him as much. maybe he has met someone and doesn't want to talk to me. i don't know.

other stuff. i want to talk about the use of this word "home" because right now it's confusing because when i'm at school it usually refers to back in Westhampton. but when i was home both Maeve and my mom referred to school as my home. which i just went along with and realized a couple seconds later what they said. so it's like this conflicting part of my life where i have to pack to go "home" and when i'm "home" then school is called my "home." so where is home? or do i have two homes?

okay now i really should sleep. 8am class tomorrow.

okay so this weekend has already been kind of crazy and strange.

Dolly has been perfect. I rode her outside on Friday and yesterday I set up a whole little complicated jump course and she was awesome.

umm Friday I was at the lake house and had my dad talking about his girlfriend and if we want to meet her. so we might be meeting her today. but still really strange.

and then yesterday we went geocaching with our uncle Chris. now Chris is my mom's brother who sort of removed himself from the family. like I haven't seen him since I was little. I'm not sure what happened but I don't blame him, our family can be somewhat...judgmental and loud and opinionated and such, but they do it all from love. and I really can't say anything because I don't know what the circumstances were. but basically after grampa died he has been mainly in contact with my mom. and he wanted to see us so we went and did some geocaches. and it was fine, he was just like our uncle. he fit right into the whole Gentes family and it wasn't really awkward at all. not sure what he thought of us, but I think it was good.

oh and then we went to Sheldon's to get ice cream and Nicole was working there. so that was so awkward. I felt bad. I didn't really say anything to her, just like Hi, how are you. Then I got out of there as soon as possible. I haven't seen her at all since we broke up. so that was really awkward.

but josh is talking to me on facebook. just sort of catching up on school and life I guess. it's like we have to feel each other out to see where we are at. I would love to get back to the point where we are friends and can just talk about anything. but that is going to take time if we ever even get there. I don't really know what he thinks of me and such. it's been 6 months since we broke up though. I think I've had enough time to sort of come to piece with it. But I still freaking miss him. And I miss having someone to hold me and kiss me and just having that connection with someone. I've been missing that more lately. I know that waiting will be worth it once I find the right person. But it's the waiting part that sucks. Not saying that I would date Josh again, because as much as I miss it, it wouldn't suddenly work better this time. But maybe I will get one friend back since I already lost so many.

so basically my life is at the point where I get to deal with my dad having a girlfriend, I can't go to any ice cream place, and i'm trying to figure out how to be friends with my ex. all while doing the whole school thing and riding team thing and working as an FME mentor and now working to take care of my professor's dog (that will be awesome)

oh and I missed the Taylor Mathews's listening party which was last night in LA. sad I missed that but at the same time it's okay. and i'm not going to be driving to NJ to see him for a day, also kind of sad. if it was closer I would but it isn't work driving 8 hours with a chance that they will change their minds and not want to hang out with me. plus I have midterms that week. so anyways I guess I will see him in February for our house show and all.

opps, realized I never actually Published this. I think i'm done with everything anyways.

i'm home for the weekend and i'm so happy to be home. I had an amazing ride on dolly earlier today. but now i'm sitting downstairs by myself because Maura's asleep and mommy went to pick up maeve from an event with her riding team.

and I find myself really missing josh and abby. I should have just stopped my thoughts from going there. but I miss them. so I sent josh a message on facebook, not sure if that was the best idea. I may regret it later. but I was the one who had pushed him away so if we are ever going to talk again I need to try first. and then it's up to him if he wants to talk to me or if he's completely over me and doesn't want to ever talk to me again. but I guess I have to try.

ahh. what else. I need to write in you more because you really are a way for me to reflect and get all my thoughts together.

there's this cute exchange student at babson from Australia and he is just really attractive and a senior. and he looks like a contest on the X Factor, Al Calderon, he was just eliminated but he is really cute too. just saying.

I am trying to figure out how to make my idea a reality. the hardest part is finding someone to make the website. I knew it wasn't going to be easy and i'm just going to have to make sure I don't give up and it will happen eventually, even if it takes years.

I might end up meeting my dad's girlfriend this weekend. still not really sure how I feel about that. I know it's been a year since my dad moved out. but it is still isn't good yet. maybe because i'm away I haven't been forced to get used to it like my sisters. or maybe they aren't good either. but I feel like crying just thinking about it. so new topic please.

ummm. I don't want to talk about sad things. there are happy things too. but i'm in a melancholy mood. maybe because it's late and dark and i'm listening to bedtime acoustic music. I would probably be sleeping now if I wasn't waiting up for maeve and my mom. i'm probably going to wait up for them and as soon as they get home they will just go to bed and then i'll be like, what did I wait up for? i'll give them until 11:30.

I just hope my allergies stay in check while i'm home. now that we have the 4 cats it's double the catness that I have to deal with...ha catness Katniss, i'm funny. I didn't even mean to.

anyways can Josh just message me back so I don't have to keep holding my breath waiting.

i just watched a 30 minute youtube documentary about a couple who got engaged and married on the same day. it was just so sweet and special and makes me believe in love again. and it was a very well put together video. but i just hope they stay together. and i hope i can find a love like that.

in other words i'm working on my website idea. i skyped with Taylor yesterday and he seems genuinely interested and excited. and Adam from AJR said I could email him and he would help me out. i don't know. this is just such an exciting idea. and i get all excited and happy and i love working on it and i can't wait to see it all come together. i really hope it all comes together. it will. i will make it happen. i'm already making big moves, i'm contacting people who could potentially help me and just putting myself out there. that's what it is all about. ahh, goodness. this is what i was meant to do - entrepreneurship.

and now two quotes for you:

"She drank from a bottle called DRINK ME
And she grew so tall,
She ate from a plate called TASTE ME
And down she shrank so small.
And so she changed, while other folks
Never tried nothin' at all." - Shel Silverstein

"The ones who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones that do"

frustrated because i thought i was supposed to video chat with Taylor today but i texted him and no response. so now i am thinking he really meant a week from today. in that case i feel stupid. and now i'm just wondering what he is doing where he can't text me back, probably fucking some girl because he just got back to LA. whatever. but it's like all these nerves and anxiety for the past hour and a half for no reason. and i'm going to have to go through that again when we actually video chat. it's like what the hell. i don't know, maybe it's my fault for not clarifying what Tuesday because "next Tuesday" could mean the Tuesday that is coming up in 5 days or it could be the one after that one. i don't know. fuck. and i hate that i care and that this is making me upset. i don't want some guy living in LA who doesn't give a shit about me to control my emotions. like fuck off dude.

sorry for all the swearing and such. i'm just tired and it's been a really long day. like i just got back to my dorm room to sit down at 8:30, then i go and take a shower and sit waiting for Taylor. like i haven't been able to relax. it's been go go go. and then i have another day full of stuff. and i was all excited because i thought i was going to see Lorde with Maeve on Thursday but now we aren't and i'm just bummed out.

and Lily asked if I still talk to Josh and I said i didn't and that made me feel shitty too. maybe i'll message him too so i won't know if my anxiety is from waiting for Taylor to respond or waiting for Josh. sounds like a great plan, have two guys fucking with my mind instead of just one. two guys who i will never even date again but i care about way too fucking much.

okay so guess who just called me like right now? Taylor. his phone was dead. and he has no internet at the house. and he thought it was Wednesday. so he offered to talk on the phone but i said i would rather do video chat and it's almost 11 now anyways. so we are trying tomorrow at the same time.

i don't even know what i think. it's always like this with Taylor. like the second you write him off he comes back in trying to save the day. like actually that's so true. soooooooo i think i am going to sleep now and try to forget about this. and we will go through this again tomorrow. but it is pretty cool seeing Taylor Mathews's name under recent calls. just saying.

tomorrow is going to be fun. just like today was so much fun (it really wasn't).