okay i still don't really feel like writing about the contests so sorry you don't get that!

but i do feel like writing about some other stuff so you get that instead.

okay so i'm back home for 10 days before i'm back at school for china classes. but there has been some yucky divorce stuff going on. like my mom posted on facebook the other day: ""This is only a moment, you don't have to let your fear control it" Jason Castro" ed o And all of her friends were commenting saying stuff like, you got this, and praying for you. And my sisters and I have no idea what is going on. Maeve messaged me asking if I knew, which I didn't. I know she had an appointment with her attorney the day I went back so that was before she posted that. But then today after we found out Daddy was taking Maura to a play she was telling me how she really needed to vent and I wasn't the person to do that to. But she said how they tore her around in court because of all the concerts she brought us to, yet Daddy can bring Maura to this play. And then another separate event today, we were talking about Taylor's kickstarter that he is going to start soon and how she wants to get the guitar and how she will just pay for it on her own separate credit card. And then she tells me to be my own person because this is a mess.

fuckkkk.

so basically my mom is getting attacked because of the concerts she brought us to. and there are a bunch of financial problems with the whole shared accounts.

but i really don't think she should be getting any grief for bringing us to the concerts. she knows that that is what we needed. it isn't exactly easy having your parents going through a divorce. it sucks so much. we needed those concerts. they brought us happiness. they gave us something to look forward to. a week after the concert and Maeve asks her if we can go to one in July and she says yes. and i ask her why she is so crazy bringing us to another show, and she says it gives us something to look forward to. she sees that these concerts and these singers are what get us through each day and give us happiness. especially for Maeve and Maura. Maeve doesn't have that many friends, she is stuck in high school, she hates it, and these concerts give her an escape. give her something else to focus on.

so basically no on should be attacking my mom or giving her a hard time about these concerts. she knows exactly what she is doing. and she is doing the right thing. she is keeping my sisters and I going.

and then she is right about the whole being your own person. like if anything this whole divorce thing is just making me so wary of marriage and love and any of that. i mean i broke up with my boyfriend, which probably would have happened anyways without the divorce but still. but looking ahead, like i don't want to change my last name, i want all of my finances separate. especially since i plan on having my own business and making lots of money. and honestly i feel like crying right now thinking of my mom's life. she became so dependent on my dad. she was a stay at home mom until the company started up, so then she worked as the CFO of their business. so basically she has no money of her own, it's all both of theirs. either what my dad earned before, when he probably said, no stay home with the kids i make enough money. or it's what they have made with the company but how do you split that up? and then hearing her talk about jobs with Steph, when she said if she was looking for a job. i mean i can't imagine she will keep working at Yankee, it makes her miserable. she never liked it before and she definitely won't like it now. so now she has to go and find and job and i can't even right now. i know this isn't about me, but it doesn't help that i'm going to a $60,000 a year school and now i'm going to china. i wish i never did this china program just so that wasn't another worry for them.

why is this so gross and yucky. everyone says they want our life but they really don't. if they saw all that goes on behind the scenes they wouldn't want anything to do with it. i know people have it worse that we do and i appreciate all i have, but that doesn't make what we are going through any easier.

that is why i have to focus on the positive. like Taylor Mathews. he doesn't realize it or understand really how much he means to my family. how much he does for us. like i can't even describe it. i don't know where to start. i'll just talk about the new kickstarter. he had asked us for ideas at dinner in Boston and we said we would think about it or what not. so i did research and came up with a list of ideas. and then Taylor sent the plan of the kickstarter to my mom. then Zuri said i was supposed to be on that email list as well so my mom forwarded it to be. so i read it over and everything sounded good. then i sent in my ideas to him and Zuri. then he emailed my mom the draft of the actual kickstarter page (still didn't make it on the email list but that's good) and he actually took one of my suggestions! so i felt pretty special and useful and all.

but my mom said that she already knew what she wanted. she said she wanted the guitar that he used in his Head Over Feeling video. i asked her why and she explained and it made sense. we really can't get to California at all so all of those are out. and it is something special and one of a kind. and that's what led to the whole separate credit card thingy. but now my mom just yelled down and said how she thought it was $1,500 not $2,500 so that changes things. so now i'm not sure if she will be getting it.

i was looking at what i would pick and probably either the $100 merch pack or the $1,000 song written for me. except for that whole money thingy. so my plan is to earn $1,100 within the next month by running small business's twitters pages. so if i charge them $20 a week and I do it for four weeks, that's $80 per customer. that means i need 14 customers. crap. i can't find 14 customers within the next few days. i'll find like 5 max. and i can probably charge them like $30 max. so that means like $600. okay i'll get the merch pack at least. and maybe if i babysit once or twice that will get me another $100. I'm still $300 short for the song and $400 short if i want the song and the merch pack. where am i going to get another $400? i mean i have stuff in my account already but that's from babysitting and from whatever Yankee gives me. and that's supposed to go towards college. i got like $100 from selling back my spanish book to the book store, can that go towards it? and grampa gave me $100 for being on the dean's list. that can go towards TM right? i think yes. okay so now only $200. what can i sell on ebay? do you think i can sell like all the old American Girl dolls and such. let me see if they are going for anything. well let me finish this post first. okay another option is if we don't end up getting the guitar, mommy can get the song. although i would like it to be written for me in particular instead of the whole family, but either way i would like that. and then i can just get the merch pack.

okay but goals for tomorrow: find 5 twitter customers willing to pay me $30 a week. see what i can sell on ebay.

you might think i am crazy but you don't realize that every single thing i do is worth it for Taylor. deciding to go to Disneyland with him was the best decision we made for our family. i thought my mom was so crazy at the time and we were so worried. but literally that has allowed us to be welcomed into Taylor's world more than i ever would have guessed when i was watching him on America's Got Talent. he has brought so much joy and happiness into our lives, that is all i want for him. i want him to be happy. and it will make him happy if this kickstarter goes through and he gets all $25,000 so he can make that record. i am going to do everything possible to make that happen. marketing galore as soon as that thing goes live. i can't wait!