Okay this just made my day. Taylor sent this to my mom through kickstarter:

"Nancy,
You seriously have no clue how incredibly insanely extremely wonderful you are. You mean to world to my family and I. You're always there and not only that you're always the first to show up. You have a huge heart and I'm so excited about making this record huge not only for my artistic integrity but to say thank you for all you've done.
You are the record,
TM"

My mom is the best though. Like I wouldn't have been able to do everything I have been able to without her. She is amazing.

I know Taylor is probably sending these thank yous to everyone, but my mom's sounds personal so I'm glad she got that. Especially today when Maeve and Maura are at the lake house.

But Taylor - you seriously have no clue how incredibly insanely extremely wonderful you are and how much you mean to my family and I. So thank you.

okayy sooo today is Josh's birthday and i'm not really sure how i feel about all of this...like if we were still together i would probably be home this weekend to celebrate his birthday, or i guess he would have came up here. but instead i have no idea what he is doing. nicole is in england, colin is probably will abby. i feel like i abandoned him almost. and i miss him. it sucks. like while i know we made the right decision not being together, i still miss him. i texted him saying happy birthday like a half an hour ago and no response. i hate it though because i am like nervous about him texting back. it's like when we first started texting all over again, but this isn't a happy excited feeling. this feeling sucks.

what else? umm i hid in the car the other day because i didn't want to talk to abby at the mt. toms. our friendship is spot on. not really. whatever i guess.

umm i hate having split parents. having to deal with which parent's day it is and having to talk to them about bringing my sisters or whatever and having to watch what you say to each one so you don't mention something you weren't supposed to and so you don't bring up something that you know would make them upset. it sucks so much. and i'm here at college, i imagine it is ten times worse for maeve and maura.

but summer college life is very chill, like i just hang out with roxy all day. it's just been so cold the past few days which sucks majorly. today we went shopping and there were so many cute clothes that i would buy if i could spend as much as i wanted and i had somewhere to wear them to. like if i was a rockstart like Rydel, i would buy so many clothes and be a rockstar and awesome but now the clothes i have will have to do.

i was so pumped because sunday there is a concert at six flags with awesome artists, like Carly Rae Jepson, Cher Lloyd, Little Mix, and Hot Chelle Rae. and then Alex and his sister did this little dance thingy with hand movements to a song by Chris Wallace and he is going to be there too so we are learning the whole dance thingy so we can do it and film it while he is singing that song, which will be awesome. but i have an open house thingy for camp that day i apparently have to go to. so like the earliest i can get up to six flags is 4:30. which wasn't the plan. we were going to go the whole day and ride rides in the morning and then the doors for the concert open at 3:30 so go for that. now i will even be late for that. which sucks. and we are going with two of our R5 friends, Risa and Brooke. i'm kind of bummed that i am going to miss that, but i'll probably end up going late. i'll see. maybe the open house will end early. and i don't really want to drive up there and go through the whole six flags thing and find them all by myself. maybe i'll find a cute boy at the open house to bring with me. haha no, my sisters would kill me. i was trying to think of a friend to bring with me...but i have none...wow.

well this has been fun. not really. okay.

i just saw a picture of Selena Gomez at the Billboard Awards and she is gorgeous. seeing her made me really wish i was good looking and attractive and not just that but like one of those girls who just walk into the room and everyone wants to talk to her and be her because she is so gorgeous.

like there is this girl Camilla, who i don't know, but David loves her because he sent a snapchat with her and he posted a picture with her on instagram. and she wasn't even in Tay's VIP. she is just gorgeous. and apparently all the Lynch boys love her too. and i hear is she extremely nice too which just makes it better.

this is what it is like. if you are very attractive then people will start talking to you. if you are nice and have a good personality then they will keep talking to you. then you have friends. now alternatively if you aren't very attractive, either you have to be the one who starts a conversation or occasionally people will start talking to you. if you are nice and have a good personality then sometimes people will continue talking to you. if you aren't very good looking at all then you have to struggle to have people talk to you and then the good people will keep talking to you once they see you are nice and have a good personality but most won't bother.

that is the honest truth.

okay so where do i fall? i don't think i'm ugly but i don't think i am that gorgeous either. i think i have my moments when i'm occasionally good looking and attractive. but not all the time. sooo basicalllly i have to struggle to get peeps to talk to me most of the time. and then sometimes i'll hit off with them, but most of the time they won't really continue talking to me. because i'm awkward and never know what to say and it just sucks.

i'm still waiting for the day that i grow up and look gorgeous. probably will be waiting for a while...

i kind of can't wait to be back at Babson to get away from all the Taylor Mathews and Loud Tour stuff. it will probably die down once tour is done anyways. but it's a lot. and it's like a constant reminder that i'm just another fan really. okay people would argue otherwise but when it comes down to it, i'm a fan and i'm over here and he is over in california with all his friends.

so i will be happy to have a life back at Babson. even though i won't really because no one will be there and i just have one class...but then i'll be in china and then i'll have a life.

BUT DID I TELL YOU?! i got the camp counselor job! i'm so excited. and kind of nervous. but right now mainly excited. i'm a senior counselor apparently, even though i only applied to be a junior counselor! and i'm going to get paid $3,000 for the whole summer! which i guess isn't a lot if you look at how long i am going to be working, but it is pretty good for a college student looking for a summer job. and it should be so fun. long days outside in the sun. dealing with temperamental kids. wait, i mean - i get to hang out with awesome kids and get to know them and get all of their love. kids always make you feel special. i love them so much. and then i'll also get to hang out with the counselors and hopefully there are some good counselors there so i can make friends and all. i just really hope it is a good experience. i'm going to be there as soon as i get back from China. like i'm missing the first two days of training because i'll still be in China. but i get back around 11pm on Sunday (training started on Saturday) and then i have a 2 hour drive home (i said that i would drive home but my mom is insisting that she will pick me up) and then i'll be up for training at 8:30. yayyy. and i'll be super jetlagged but it will be fun because i'll be at...training...that's fun right? i'm mainly nervous about what i'll miss during those first two days of training. but maybe i'll be the mysterious missing counselor or the late new girl. that could be good for my image too. gotta pick up those cute counselor boys.

but really i'll just be glad that i have something to do. like today i was all excited to go to khol's and the barn. and then we never went. and i did nothing and i got all sluggish and blahhh. it was just a blah day. and i was so tired all day. my sleeping pattern is getting so messed up. i stay up until 12 and then sleep super late and then i'm super tired all day the next day but i won't go to sleep early. like right now i'm writing this instead of sleeping. i'm kind of hungry too but that will have to wait until tomorrow morning. so i really should go to sleep. i really am tired.

i think i'm going to need another twitter break soon as well. like a whole social media break. but that might not be until i start camp. wow. i start camp in like a month. in a month i will have finished my whirlwind class and trip to china. so crazy.

i am really tired. i need to get up. okay. now i will.

hi. so guess what i am going to talk about. yep you guessed right, taylor mathews.

he had a live chat today. i tried to help him out but anyways it ended up working. and honestly it is crazy how far he has come. 6 months, or around that time, ago he had a chat and there were like 9 people there. now there are 200. so proud. but in another 6 months let's make the 2,000. i'm serious though. i'm ready for Taylor to get big and for all of my facebook friends to be like "IS THAT TAYLOR MATHEWS IN YOUR PROFILE PICTURE" and i will be like, "yes, yes it is, i'm glad you are just now realizing how amazing he is"

but it was strange, he started talking about the Give It A Try fan video that I put it together and it made it sound like Megan put it together, which she didn't, I did. so that was frustrating. but then Megan Zella corrected him. and he was like oh yeah and tried to play it off all cool like, but before that my mom had texted him. so he texted her back after being like "i just meant that she was there" blah blah blah. whatever. it did make me sad. but i'm getting over it. but i am looking to see why he brought it up in the first place and i can't find any tweet where anyone mentions it around when he brought it up even though it sounded like he responded to a tweet. and he probably has moved on and forgotten about it already but here i am looking through the tweets trying to see why he brought it up. but anyways. it's cool. i am going to be like Tay and try to move on.

oh and by the way now there has been talk about going to the listening party. my mom is like anything can happen. and i'm like ummm no. we have to stop. we are already spending almost 60,000 a year on my college tuition  plus the couple grand for me to go to China. and then Maeve is going to Spain next year. and you know you are going to give a bunch to the kickstarter anyways. and you gave a bunch last time. and you paid for all of those R5 & TM VIPs and tickets. we do not have money to spend on plane tickets to Cali and to spend on a vacation in LA. so unless we get rich. or somehow this divorce thing gives you money instead of wasting it all on attorneys. or we hit the lottery. we are not going to california for the listening party.

watch now we will go. but seriously. how can we just spend all of this money without worrying about it. ummmm. Yankee isn't that big of a company. and now Mommy might not get any more money from Yankee. i don't know how that divorce thing is going.

umm i was going to talk about how it is hard to be a fan. but honestly i'm just over it. what i really need in my life is a cute guy for me to have a crush on that isn't a celebrity touring, a guy that lives near me. so that way i can stop thinking about TM and everyone from the loud tour every two seconds. haaa we will see if that will happen though. maybe i'll find myself a cute chinese boy...oh wait, i need someone who lives here....whatever, i'll have more of a chance with him than thinking about this popular boys, not that i want to really date Taylor. did i say that before? i could not handle dating Taylor, he is all over the place. i just want attention from him and i want him to like me and i want him to think that i'm special. that's all. but that's difficult when you are one of 10,000 fans and you live all the way across the country. working on it though. but until then i think i'm going to sleep. then tomorrow i have to get my car from the mechanics, go to the eye doctors, and then deal with the dad because tomorrow's dad's day. whoop.

you guys read this (like you haven't already but still):

i have two new online crushes. nooooo not like that. one is a youtuber and another was on america's got talent. Seth, or aquaticsh33p, is on youtube. i like his videos and personality. according to his twitter, he likes Glee too. so chhhyyeahhh. i look forward to another video from him. but someone who i like even more know is Taylor Matthews. he was on America's Got Talent and when he first started talking i was reallllyyy hoping he would do well. he did absolutely amazing. you know after Glee covers a song normally no one else can do it as well. Taylor did. he sang Somewhere Over the Rainbow. it was a wonderful version and he sang it wonderfully and i absolutely loved him. i still love him. i looked him up online and he has a newly created website which you should go see here and ah. he is lovely. he is playing a show tomorrow but it's in Louisiana so I shall not be going to see. but now i have to watch America's Got Talent. and let's add him to the list of people i want to meet one day. there you go. now i have to go scrounge the internet for more information about this Taylor Matthews and watch more America's Got Talent for other talented people worth my attention. alrighty.

that was from June 10, 2010. and look at me now. i went to Disneyland with Taylor Mathews. Taylor Mathews slept over our house. I hung out in Boston with Taylor. I have hung out after shows with Taylor Mathews. Taylor Mathews sent us his new kickstarter early so we could give feedback. Taylor Mathews follows me on twitter. like i can't. i miss him so much. but the fact that i can miss him.

i should just call this blog the Taylor Mathews Appreciation Blog because that is all I talk about now. but no shame.

okay i was going to go through and quote every time i mentioned Taylor but i'm just going to read through everything myself. there is a lot in August 2010 if you wanted to go look yourself.

omg i wrote him a letter. about to read it now. what did i say?!?! "As I am writing this there are 7,921 who are part of your group. How many are there now?"  right now there are 9,539 likes on Facebook (assuming that is the same thing) and he has 10,180 followers on twitter. we're getting there....

But thank you Taylor Mathews and hopefully I actually get to meet you one day. And when I say meet I don't mean a quick "TAYLOR! CAN WE HAVE A PICTURE!" "oh sure" -click- "thank you!" and then we watch you run away with only a picture left. Yeah no. I mean actually talk to you away from millions of other screaming fans. But who knows if that will happen. And if it does I probably won't know what to say. 

asdkfj;ldsadf MOLLY! you did get to talk to him away from millions of other screaming fans. he slept over your house. you drove him to get his contacts. he let you hang out after the concert. you went to quincy market with him for dinner on his day off. after his show you went to Cains to eat some chicken nuggets. you went to dinner with him after a show and got to go in his tour bus. if my past self knew all of this....ahhh...it makes me so happy.

And then we were getting ready to leave and my mom saw someone give Taylor a hug and she was like "Molly, you need a hug." and I was like "No way, let's go." I ended up winning and we just left. The reason why I didn't want a hug was because it would have been so awkward. You know he already wrote on my shirt and took a picture with me, I don't need a hug from him too. Maybe someday.

 MOLLY LOOK AT YOUR PROFILE PICTURE HE IS HUGGING YOU.

haha i had emailed him asking he wanted to hang out in Boston on his day off and he didn't respond. but look at us now, we hung out with him in Boston on his day off. and we have his phone number by the way.

 Like how Taylor Mathew's got a haircut and OH MY GOD, he looks so hot. And I don't use the word hot often. I mean, he looked good before but now he looks REALLY good. REALLY REALLY good. He had long hair like chin length maybe? Let me go check. Yeah he had hair chin length that flopped over his forehead, but not over his eyes. Now it's short on the sides and there is still some on the top but it isn't on his forehead. Goodness, he looks so good. I met and talked to this guy. Ah.

And he has only gotten hotter! Ahh! That was in February 2011....

okay i can't do this anymore, i am still trying to go through all the posts where i mention him but i'm so tired and i'm not sure if this is good for my poor heart. but i really just want to sleep i'm so tired. but i have a smile on my face. it's amazing how things can change.

and sorry Taylor if you are reading this. i try to act all cool like, but i am really just a fangirl. a straight up fangirl. no shame.

okay i still don't really feel like writing about the contests so sorry you don't get that!

but i do feel like writing about some other stuff so you get that instead.

okay so i'm back home for 10 days before i'm back at school for china classes. but there has been some yucky divorce stuff going on. like my mom posted on facebook the other day: ""This is only a moment, you don't have to let your fear control it" Jason Castro" ed o And all of her friends were commenting saying stuff like, you got this, and praying for you. And my sisters and I have no idea what is going on. Maeve messaged me asking if I knew, which I didn't. I know she had an appointment with her attorney the day I went back so that was before she posted that. But then today after we found out Daddy was taking Maura to a play she was telling me how she really needed to vent and I wasn't the person to do that to. But she said how they tore her around in court because of all the concerts she brought us to, yet Daddy can bring Maura to this play. And then another separate event today, we were talking about Taylor's kickstarter that he is going to start soon and how she wants to get the guitar and how she will just pay for it on her own separate credit card. And then she tells me to be my own person because this is a mess.

fuckkkk.

so basically my mom is getting attacked because of the concerts she brought us to. and there are a bunch of financial problems with the whole shared accounts.

but i really don't think she should be getting any grief for bringing us to the concerts. she knows that that is what we needed. it isn't exactly easy having your parents going through a divorce. it sucks so much. we needed those concerts. they brought us happiness. they gave us something to look forward to. a week after the concert and Maeve asks her if we can go to one in July and she says yes. and i ask her why she is so crazy bringing us to another show, and she says it gives us something to look forward to. she sees that these concerts and these singers are what get us through each day and give us happiness. especially for Maeve and Maura. Maeve doesn't have that many friends, she is stuck in high school, she hates it, and these concerts give her an escape. give her something else to focus on.

so basically no on should be attacking my mom or giving her a hard time about these concerts. she knows exactly what she is doing. and she is doing the right thing. she is keeping my sisters and I going.

and then she is right about the whole being your own person. like if anything this whole divorce thing is just making me so wary of marriage and love and any of that. i mean i broke up with my boyfriend, which probably would have happened anyways without the divorce but still. but looking ahead, like i don't want to change my last name, i want all of my finances separate. especially since i plan on having my own business and making lots of money. and honestly i feel like crying right now thinking of my mom's life. she became so dependent on my dad. she was a stay at home mom until the company started up, so then she worked as the CFO of their business. so basically she has no money of her own, it's all both of theirs. either what my dad earned before, when he probably said, no stay home with the kids i make enough money. or it's what they have made with the company but how do you split that up? and then hearing her talk about jobs with Steph, when she said if she was looking for a job. i mean i can't imagine she will keep working at Yankee, it makes her miserable. she never liked it before and she definitely won't like it now. so now she has to go and find and job and i can't even right now. i know this isn't about me, but it doesn't help that i'm going to a $60,000 a year school and now i'm going to china. i wish i never did this china program just so that wasn't another worry for them.

why is this so gross and yucky. everyone says they want our life but they really don't. if they saw all that goes on behind the scenes they wouldn't want anything to do with it. i know people have it worse that we do and i appreciate all i have, but that doesn't make what we are going through any easier.

that is why i have to focus on the positive. like Taylor Mathews. he doesn't realize it or understand really how much he means to my family. how much he does for us. like i can't even describe it. i don't know where to start. i'll just talk about the new kickstarter. he had asked us for ideas at dinner in Boston and we said we would think about it or what not. so i did research and came up with a list of ideas. and then Taylor sent the plan of the kickstarter to my mom. then Zuri said i was supposed to be on that email list as well so my mom forwarded it to be. so i read it over and everything sounded good. then i sent in my ideas to him and Zuri. then he emailed my mom the draft of the actual kickstarter page (still didn't make it on the email list but that's good) and he actually took one of my suggestions! so i felt pretty special and useful and all.

but my mom said that she already knew what she wanted. she said she wanted the guitar that he used in his Head Over Feeling video. i asked her why and she explained and it made sense. we really can't get to California at all so all of those are out. and it is something special and one of a kind. and that's what led to the whole separate credit card thingy. but now my mom just yelled down and said how she thought it was $1,500 not $2,500 so that changes things. so now i'm not sure if she will be getting it.

i was looking at what i would pick and probably either the $100 merch pack or the $1,000 song written for me. except for that whole money thingy. so my plan is to earn $1,100 within the next month by running small business's twitters pages. so if i charge them $20 a week and I do it for four weeks, that's $80 per customer. that means i need 14 customers. crap. i can't find 14 customers within the next few days. i'll find like 5 max. and i can probably charge them like $30 max. so that means like $600. okay i'll get the merch pack at least. and maybe if i babysit once or twice that will get me another $100. I'm still $300 short for the song and $400 short if i want the song and the merch pack. where am i going to get another $400? i mean i have stuff in my account already but that's from babysitting and from whatever Yankee gives me. and that's supposed to go towards college. i got like $100 from selling back my spanish book to the book store, can that go towards it? and grampa gave me $100 for being on the dean's list. that can go towards TM right? i think yes. okay so now only $200. what can i sell on ebay? do you think i can sell like all the old American Girl dolls and such. let me see if they are going for anything. well let me finish this post first. okay another option is if we don't end up getting the guitar, mommy can get the song. although i would like it to be written for me in particular instead of the whole family, but either way i would like that. and then i can just get the merch pack.

okay but goals for tomorrow: find 5 twitter customers willing to pay me $30 a week. see what i can sell on ebay.

you might think i am crazy but you don't realize that every single thing i do is worth it for Taylor. deciding to go to Disneyland with him was the best decision we made for our family. i thought my mom was so crazy at the time and we were so worried. but literally that has allowed us to be welcomed into Taylor's world more than i ever would have guessed when i was watching him on America's Got Talent. he has brought so much joy and happiness into our lives, that is all i want for him. i want him to be happy. and it will make him happy if this kickstarter goes through and he gets all $25,000 so he can make that record. i am going to do everything possible to make that happen. marketing galore as soon as that thing goes live. i can't wait!

okay okay i haven't caught you up with what happened at the concerts.

i probably should now...but Alex Aiono man, Alex Aiono. i don't know what to think about him. i still love that kid. even if he doesn't go to lunch or email us...but he is just awesome. i really really really really hope that he goes on another tour right after the R5 Loud Tour so we can go see him a bunch.

okay i think i am actually going to go to sleep and i'll have to tell you all about it another day. i have a final tomorrow! then i'm done! wooo!

but basically i got a video of Alex singing Time of Your Life in Clifton Park and while the video isn't great quality, it made me really happy! :D

as much as i love being home, i hate being home.

like how my dad got all upset because he didn't know it was a half day of school today and today is his day with Maeve and Maura. apparently he called my mom and was all mad at her. she assumed Maeve and Maura would have told him. and last half day my mom picked them up anyways and then daddy got them from the house. and we couldn't tell him that maeve and maura didn't go to school. my mom told us to lie to my dad and tell him that i picked them up from school.

then maeve texts me to ask if i want to go to the lake house and go on the kayaks. i said no because i'm so tired and i just feel like chilling out here and doing nothing. and she texts me back "ugh ok. Maura doesn't feel good so shes not going. I am so tired but dadd wanted to go kayaking so i have to go so he doesn't get mad"

people say that they want our lives because we go to these concerts and we are friends with Taylor and Alex loves us, well Maeve. but really that only happens for a few days out of the whole year and for every other day we are stuck here trapped between two parents who hate each other wishing that we could just be at concerts everyday.

ahh why couldn't i just go back to school? i forgot how much this sucks.