okay i guess it is time to explain everything, first let me reread what i've previously written.

okay this is what is up. i was still bummed that i wasn't going up early but that saved me from a two hour car ride with my dad who i have sort of been avoiding. and i went to the baby shower which was sort of fun, but also kind of awkward and strange. i got advice from Sean for the two seconds i talked to him that during college the friends are important, not the classes. he doesn't remember anything from any of his classes but he is still good friends with his friends from college. i miss Sean, i never see at all. but he is off living his life and is going to be a father and i am very proud of him. i know someday i will be like him, off living my life and creating a new family. today when i brought annabeth to gymnastics and was waiting there with all the moms and dads and siblings and i thought about when i have children that i want to be a mom and that's it. like i don't want to have any other work going on. so that means i have to crank out all my entrepreneurial business stuff soon so i can have my family and be able to support them off of the money i already made.

but back to the 30th. okay after the babyshower Maeve, Maura, Bella, my mom, and I all drove up to Boston where we were going to meet up with Taylor at 4. we get there and find some parking and my mom calls Amudha, Taylor's tour manager, and Taylor answers and says that they are 20 minutes away and aren't even there yet. which makes my mom feel better because she thought they might have just told her they weren't getting there until 4 so they wouldn't have to deal with me. but anyways like 45 minutes later they finally show up. so Amudha calls and say that Taylor will meet us at the front door. so we go and walk there and there are already girls waiting outside at what is now 5, when the door opens at 6, and it is soooo cold out. we just decide to walk right in since the door is open and i hear some of the girls says "what are they doing" and haaaa. so we just wait right inside the door and some people ask if they can help us and we just say we are with Taylor and wait for him there. and then he comes and he gives us all hugs except for Bella who he shakes her hand and introduces himself. and then he brings us up to the green room and we pass all the girls who have VIP and they are like "who are they?" and haaaaa. and we meet Rydel and Ratliff in the green room which was so awesome. they were only there for two seconds...wait let's backtrack. so the five of us plus Taylor going walking up into the green room and Taylor's band plus Rydel and Ratliff are there and Taylor says something like these are my friends (i could check on the video because Maeve filmed all of this) and Ratliff jumps up from the couch and says "wow this are all your friends?" and then he shakes all of our hands and introduces himself, like we don't already know who he is. and then Rydel does the same. so then Taylor's band feels like they have to so we shake the three of their hands. it was sort of a funny and awkward situation. so then we get a picture with Rydel and Ratliff and then they leave to go watch football - or to just avoid us. it was pretty small up there and it must have been weird for four girls plus their mom to come up into their green room. my mom said it was awkward because Taylor's band was there. and it was also kind of awkward because Taylor gets nervous before soundcheck so he wasn't the most social and helpful which is understandable and kind of cute. so we chill up in the green room for a bit and then we go down to watch Taylor's soundcheck and luckily there are some seats on the side of the room so we sit there and wait. and then they let all the VIP girls back into the arena but we run up before them and get right in the front, in front of Riker which is awesome. so then we wait there for a while. and then Taylor plays and he is just so awesome. i love listening to him sing, he is like a million times better live, and his recorded versions are amazing too. so of course that was awesome. after him was Namesake, who weren't that great, they didn't seem to have the right audience, i don't know. but then it was R5 and they are so awesome. they are just kids having an awesome time playing. i mean Taylor is the better musician and singer, but R5 is just fun. Ross looked at us a bunch. Riker sang directly to me once, like he leaned down and sang to me. ahhhh, love him so much. Riker is amazing. and Rocky gave me his guitar pick. he came over towards us and i was just reaching my hands up without really paying attention and he just gave me his pick and i was just like "thanks!" ahh he is awesome too. and Ratliff remembered us, he pointed at us during one song and at the end he was like "hey how are you guys?" but during the show my mom texted me saying "the best christmas present is yet to come" or something like that. so after the show we were like "what is it?!" and she said you just have to wait. so we were just waiting and R5 was doing a signing so we ended up getting in line for that. and me being a business student, i shook all of the bands hands and introduced myself. i mean i doubt they will remember me, but i got to touch all of them? hahah, i don't know but i just wanted to be different instead of standing there watching them sign my ticket and wondering what to say. i told Riker i saw him at the glee concert and he said "right on!" haha. anyways after that we were waiting with Taylor and Ryland, R5's little brother, was coming over to talk to him and he asked Taylor if we were related and he said "nooo, but we are going to have a slumber party!" and i didn't think much of that. and then my mom was like "Taylor is coming over" and we were like "nooo, are you serious? why?" and my mom had to tell Taylor that we didn't believe her and he was like "yeah, why wouldn't i?" and he was giving Maeve a hard time for asking "why?" so then i went with Taylor to get his stuff and that was kind of awkward, i didn't know what to say, and i was still trying to process the whole him coming over thing. my guess was that we were like going to dinner with him, not that he was coming over. so i wished i hadn't been so awkward then. but then we were driving back. my mom and he talked mostly, but i said a few things. i was also exhausted at this point, it was like past 10 but i had been up since 8ish. but the best part was when he sang along to the radio, ahhh, i wish i could just hear him sing all the time. and then we got home and we literally all stayed up until 3:30. my aunt Lorrie was staying over because we had the babyshower so that was kind of strange but she is fine. Taylor is just the nicest, funniest, most awesome ever. but we had went up into Maeve and Maura's room to show that to him and show him Maura's 1D shrine. and then we found out that he always stays at host houses on tour, and then he had been planning on staying at our house for weeks and that they were supposed to have contacted us to work that out. which they never did. what happened was during the show Amudha asked my mom for her address, so my mom gave it to her, and then afterwards they asked if Taylor could stay, and she was like uuuhhh of course, duhhh! so Taylor was kind of shocked that we didn't know and kind of upset, and then he was telling us how Amudha was kind of slacking on her tour manager duties and how he could do it all himself and how he has done most of the driving and how she would just leave the merch booth and such. but yeah. and then he played us his songs Radio Girl and another one i can't remember the name but he is hoping it is going to be on a car commercial. and they are both amazing. i can't wait until i hear Radio Girl on the radio and when i actually watch the commercials so i can hear him on tv. overall i wished i had talked to him more, my sisters talked to him more than i did. i was just so tired and i didn't know what to say, i didn't want to sound stupid or i don't know. he was in my freaking house. so he got along better with maeve and maura. :/ but that is part of the reason why i had wanted to go earlier by myself so it would just be with without the sister and my mom. my mom had it so i could have stayed up later and talked to him myself but at the point it was 3:30 and i was exhausted and that would have been awkward because i wouldn't have known what to say. so we were going to wake up at 8 and he said to wake him up. so i got up at 8 and was all ready by like 8:30 and i go downstairs and my mom is up and he is still sleeping on the couch and he looks so peaceful. so my mom and i can't bear to wake him up. so we decide to wait until 9...and then we wait even longer. and his alarm goes off, playing "Secrets" by One Republic, but he just turns it off and goes back to sleep. i think eventually my mom says "time to wake up sleeping beauty" and he gets up and we give him his space until he is up. he is not a morning person, just like Maura and me. Maura didn't get up, it was way too early for her even when she goes to bed a normal hour, especially not when she was up until 3:30. so it was me, Maeve, my mom, and Taylor. so we wait for a bit and Taylor uses my laptop to try to pay his rent or something. and as he is using it i'm thinking crap, he could see how often i look up his stuff. if you type in "t" into the brower bar the second thing that comes up is twitter.com/user/taylormathews so yeah. but then we go to Outlook for breakfast, we were going to go somewhere nicer but by the time we wake Taylor up and we are all ready it is kind of late and his band is supposed to pick him up at 11. although we were considering going up to NY to see his show that night so we could have drove him. but we go to Outlook and Lyndsey is working so we are like this is Taylor he is famous. and she is like "oookay" but she remembered that Bella was going to a concert with us and we were like, yeah it was his! and it was strange seeing him in Outlook, he seemed out of place. and he was so fun with his whole toasted vs. grilled cheese and ahhh. and we were eating when my mom checked in with his band and they were like 7 miles away they said, so my mom told them to come to outlook. and when we were eating Taylor was saying that it was really good and how he heard if your food is good that means you are in good company. which was nice except for the fact that i barely ate anything because i had eaten cereal back at 8:30 and my mom and Maeve didn't eat much either, but Taylor ate everything. and then his band showed up, and i say his band but his band consists of Trevor his piano player, Erik his guitar player, and Amudha. his drummer is R5's manger's wife so she travels with them usually. but those three, especially the two guys, were definitely out of place at outlook. it was kind of funny. but then Auntie Lorrie calls and says that Taylor left his jacket at our house so she said she would bring it. so we are waiting for her but she is taking forever because she didn't realize we were ready to go. so we just tell them to leave, and that maybe we will bring it up to the NY show. they were all like yeah come to the NY show! but they left and then auntie Lorrie shows up with the jacket but we had decided we were going to go to the show because 1. it was outside and it was freezing 2. taylor's uncle was coming so he would be hanging out with them 3. we didn't want to overstay our welcome and yeah it might have just been too much. so instead we tell them to stop at Friendly's before getting on the highway so we can give Taylor his jacket, so we get there and only Amudha and Erik are in the car so i give Erik Taylor's jacket and as we were leaving Erik gets out and goes towards Friendly's and then we see the three of them in the store, which was kind of funny. but then we drove home and i fell asleep and decided that i didn't want to go to Josh's for new year's which caused all sorts of drama with him.

but anyways that's that. it's crazy to think about now. it doesn't seem like it really happened except there was a random unopened box of frosted flakes in our bathroom trash can, which must have been Taylor's because it wasn't ours. but you don't understand how amazing this guy is. he is just a goofy kid who is so nice and i just want the world for him because he deserves it. so now i really want to go to California during spring break to see him again. i better see him if i went there.

but other notes. yeah Josh was mad that i didn't spend new years eve with him. but if i did i would have been miserable. i would have been thinking about the previous night and i would have been exhausted and i would have hated it. so instead i stayed home. and then when i went over his house later he said how upset that made him and all and yeah. this is what happens. we talk about how things aren't working and we cry and we are like we want this to work. and then nothing really changes. so we will see how long that keeps lasting.

and i have barely seen my dad because i don't even know. my mom keeps telling me these things. like the day before the concert, we came home and the Christmas tree was already taken down. apparently my dad had asked my mom if he could give his friend and her daughters the extra tickets we had to the concert because they had never been to a concert before. why would he even ask that? my poor mom. so she had to do something to not think about it, so she took down the tree. and then yesterday night i wanted her to come to the barn with us but she said she should stay home with Maura because she has to be careful about what she does with the horses so it isn't used against her. and i'm just thinking, what is happening?! and oh the icing on the cake, my parents always get trips from a company they do a lot of business with. so my dad wanted to use the points to take someone else with him instead of my mom. my mom of course said no, so instead she used the points to buy a bed for Finn. it just makes me so sad thinking about everything. my mom had told Taylor before he came over what was happening so he wouldn't ask where our dad was, i don't know how much she told him. but i wonder what he thinks of our family now. and oh that's another reason josh was upset because i don't confide in him. well sorry but if i told you everything that was happening he would judge my parents and he doesn't get it or understand at all. that other night when he was saying everything he was upset about and how he needs to gain more weight and he was doing all this complaining about friends and schools. and i was thinking "ummm...your parents are still together." but i didn't say anything, i just listened. but he just kind of frustrated me. whenever i think about my parents i feel so alone and josh knows that so he was like you can talk to me, you need someone to talk to and to lean on, but i don't really. no one understands it and i don't want to share it. i'll just write about it on here and i'll be fine. soon i'll be back at school.

anyways this post is really long, its 11 now. and my wrists hurts from typing so much. but summary. i still have a huge crush on Tay, R5 is cool, i want to go to California, my family is messed up, and i don't know what is going on with me and josh.

(and i had thought i had posted this like...the night of the 8th? but apparently it didn't post and the last part didn't save so i just did that now, so i actually wrote this post before the last post but whatevs, the probability of this actually becoming published is very slim)