heeeeey.

i'm a teenage girl.

and i don't know where to start.

this may sound weird but sometimes when i'm on the bus or at school or really anywhere i'll start writing blog posts in my head. most of the times i won't end up writing them done because i don't like writing the same thing twice, even though i didn't write it the first time but maybe i should correct that and say "think" instead because this is more like me thinking but making my fingers put my thoughts into pixels.

i actually thought about writing that into a blog. and i did. ha.

why is it that girls and maybe boys alike, i'm not too sure about them since i have never had one as a friend, need to be loved and wanted. they feel like if there isn't someone out there that loves them or wants them they aren't good or worth it or whatever. and a lot of girls have their family and a lot of them aren't happy with that. they need a boy, a guy, to want them and to need them and to love them to feel happy. some girls don't have a family either. which sucks but let's just pretend they have friends and family who care about them. nope. not enough. they want to be wanted. quoting from Taylor Swift: "when all you wanted was to be wanted". what is it about being wanted that is so appealing? does it sort of say, okay i am worth it. i'm not sure. actually i am but i'm not sure about how to put it into words. i have felt this before. i feel it all the time. the thought that maybe no one will ever love you or want you or need you. the thought that as you are walking through the hallways of school, seeing the couples, that maybe you will never have a couple. that no one in that school, no one anywhere would want to even walk side by side with you and bump shoulders. i've felt that before but i don't let it rule my life. i realize that most of those relationships you see aren't that wonderful and they are actually bringing the people in them down. maybe i just have too high of expectations. when i think about a relationship i want to have, i have so many little visions and things. should i start to list them? now remember if you are reading this now i'm a fifteen year girl at this time so maybe i'm just naive. i know i probably am. but so what, i'm fifteen, i'm supposed to be naive, i haven't had time to learn yet. anyways. i want a guy who knows everything about me. like everything. yet still loves me. i want him to know me so well that he knows what i am thinking without me even saying a word. i don't want to have to eat lunch with him everyday or spend every second with him because i know that he doesn't have to be with me all the time to be thinking about me or to still like me. because i will still feel secure. i won't feel insecure if he doesn't call because i know he probably just got caught up with something. we will trust each other. we will be best friends. he will make me want to be a better person and will help me. we will help each other. yet we can stand on our own too. and that feeling you first get when your crush walks into the room will never go away.

woah. yeah. i don't even know if a relationship like that exists. and i can tell you right now i probably will not find it in high school. and i'm sort of okay with that. i think i am most afraid that i will never find that or will miss out on it. that party i didn't go to because i didn't know anyone who was going was the party that had the boy who could have became him. when i decided at the last minute to chicken out and not go to the beach was when i would have seen him. when i felt like being a lazy butt and not going shopping was the one time where he would be at the mall when i would have ran into it. it's all these little things that scare me. what if? what if? what if? what if God is watching over me and making sure that these little things go my way? what if when it doesn't go my way He is making sure i am learning?

oh. another side note. what if i'm missing out on something by opting out of high school relationships so far? what if i'm missing some valuable information? like a learning experience. well it's not like i've turned down a relationship yet because i have never been presented an opportunity. but then again i never went out and got one for myself. i've never really wanted one but i've always been too afraid to want one.

but why am i talking about relationships? i'm going to do greater things in life then date the boy on the football team (another quote from Taylor Swift). i'm going to do greater things than high school in general. i'm going to do greater things than take the risk to wear the belt around my sweater. i'm going to do greater things than most people in this world.

new topic. people always say don't measure your success by money. you should measure your success by your happiness. what if becoming successful and making money is my goal and would make me happy? what if i'm not going to settle for less? does that make me a bad person? or is that what makes me different from the masses and that is what is going to get me to where i need to go?

or maybe i'm just a tired teenage girl.