so i don't want to talk about the party because well it was just like i expected. none of bella's school friends showed up, it was all the barn girls which stunk because i knew all of them. so it was typical and thank goodness i didn't sleep over. and now dinner is ready so be back.

and i'm back 30 minutes later and i'm not gonna talk about that. instead i'll mention that we are half way through the school year. only two and a half more years until i'm out of this place.

June 14th, 2010

on that date i may become a published author. or maybe on February 25th i will learn that i have a lot of work to do before i become published. either way i'm happy i got it in there before they were fill up. and now i don't want to write on this.

you're beautiful.

i didn't even notice. i've already passed 200 post. i'm at 209. congratulations for reading all of them. i am going to go find the post when i talked about my 100th post and let you know where that is so you don't have to. brb. hahah.

oh my goodness. it was on Wednesday September 2nd 2009. today is Thursday January 28th 2010. i started this blog Tuesday January 6th 2009. that means in nine months i wrote the first 100 posts and then in less than FOUR months i wrote another 100. hm. what does that say about me? not sure. i have to go babysit. and just to note i haven't done any editing since my last post.

winner winner chicken dinner?

or win getting your book published by Penguin and $15,000? i would rather the latter. and maybe i can! cause Amazon is hosting a contest that I can enter. of course i will be up against 5,000 other people aged 13 and up with their books they have been working on for years. me? i wrote mine in about a month and now i have less than 2 weeks to finish editing it. so now i am going to edit. i need to get crackalcakin'

quotation of the day via blogger

No greater injury can be done to any youth than to let him feel that because he belongs to this or that race he will be advanced in life regardless of his own merits or efforts. – Booker T. Washington(1856-1915)

i am adopted.

actually i don't really think i am but i have a problem. (actually i have more than one but yeah) you see in science class we had to make a pedigree chart thingy so i decided to do left over right thumb thingy. and the dominant is your left on top. i put my left on top. that means at least one of my parents has to have their left thumb on top. neither do. it is genetically impossible. i must be adopted. and so must my sisters because they put their left thumb over their right. unless of course when i asked my dad to do it he got his mind all strange so now he is just saying right when really it is his left.

i don't have much to talk about because i'm in a pretty good mood. as long as i don't think about everything i normally talk about i'm all set. i'm starting to though but i don't know what else to say. i have told you pretty much everything. i am content right now i guess you could say except for the fact that everything we have learned about genetics is false, my family is mutated, or i'm adopted. great.

hey. i decided this post will be a checkpoint. just a little reminder, you know? just a step back.

i'm a normal girl. your typical teenager. i'm not depressed. i'm not crazy. i'm nothing special. i'm just me. i'm only human.

this blog is for me to just talk and talk and talk about everything else i can't talk about. you know more about what i think than almost every person in the world. how does that feel? overwhelming? proud? scared? well right now you are about to know another fact about me. brace yourself...my favorite color is purple.

right now in my house there is a...

girl scooping ice cream

a mother in the computer room feeling stressed/bad about leaving her family for a week

a teenage girl on her computer typing this

another teenage girl crying at the dining room table

and a cat sniffing that crying girl.

STOP STRESSING OUT. YOU ARE STRESSING ME OUT. STOP BEING SO NEGATIVE YOU WILL BE FINE.

i would like to yell that at Maeve right now. i am sick and tired of her being so stressed out all the time and complaining about all the work she needs to do. was i like that when i was in 7th grade? i can't remember. but seriously she needs to RELAX. what is she going to do when she gets into high school and she has more work? college? life? hopefully by the end of seventh grade she will have learned some stress management.

anyways. i have almost cried several times today but i blame that on estrogen. now i'm not sure what to write about. i could write about how i probably seem like a little girl who depends on everyone around her and can't stand on her own. like how i depend on my mother. on my best and sometimes only friend. on the friend i don't even have. i would like to correct that statement, no matter how much i think i need them i have stood without them before. i stand without them every time i go to each of my classes because they aren't there with me. i have the thought of them and that's it and when that disappears i know i will survive anyways. i don't want to seem needy because that is when people push you away. seems weird huh? but doesn't the guy always dump the girl who clings? so abby i guess i am saying i don't want to push you away in any way. i don't know if i am or not and i guess by me writing this i am saying i am afraid to lose you. doesn't that go against everything i just said. why yes it did but even thomas jefferson was a hypocrite.

and now i am trying to help maeve study for her oral and it is just getting me all tense and more stressed out. i just want to go to sleep really badly. but i also want to get some of my thoughts on paper but i don't think that is possible. do most teenagers think as much as me? do they doubt themselves as much as i do?

new idea. here i am saying i need to talk more and be loud and let my voice be heard but what if that isn't who i am? what if i am a quiet girl and it is in my genes and i should just accept it and more on then i will be happy and yay. but that's the problem, accepting it and i haven't accepted it yet, will i ever? am i even making set? i need to go to sleep. ahasgkljakdfjadl;akdjsfla. i don't want to be a teenager anymore. i don't i don't know.

before i leave let me put your mind at rest. i'm going through a phase that seems to be lasting a long time where i question everything and write everything now done on this blog and i am unsatisfied with my life and i critique everything i do and i think there is more than this and i tell myself that i am the only person who is permitting my life from being wonderful and i know that is a fact. i just suck. stop that molly you suck for saying you suck. now say something good about yourself. i am beautiful. do you believe that? right now? no. at other times to do you believe that? yes but not now.

Abby wanted me to say three things i love about myself and wouldn't want to change at all, like i would die if i wasn't like that and guess what? i can't answer her question. i have no idea. i don't know. i really don't. i suck even more for not loving myself. whatever. i am so tired and i need to get out of this house REALLY BADLY. the air in this house is suffocating me. i can't breath properly. and i am really tired. and i'm going to sleep. night.

i am upset. very upset. my parents are going on a trip. NEXT WEEK. they just told us now. they are going to Mexico. we are going to be left at home. i hate it. you don't realize how much my family depends on my parents. we may look and act independent but we aren't. i sort of feel like crying. i'm actually trying hard not to. this sucks. sucks. sucks. sucks. sucks. sucks. that isn't helping me not cry. i think i am going to talk to abby now.

random note. i love Danny Gokey's music video for "My Best Days Are Ahead Of Me". go watch it right now. i'm going to.

STOP THINKING.

i think i should stop thinking. i over analyze things too much. ha. over analyze too much. get it? whatever you might have to be an english language freak to. continuing. yeah here i am talking hypothetically about someone i haven't even met and about people i don't talk to because i don't have the guts. that's what making this blog is all about, for me to everything society doesn't want me to be. a creeper. a stalker. a girly girl. a teenager. myself.

guess what i am going to talk about.

no seriously please do. you will probably be right and if you're not right you can say you were right and i'll believe you because i know how important it is to people to be right. anyways have you made your guess yet? if not make it now because i am about to start talking about it. i have two minutes less than 15 minutes before i have to babysit. it's tuesday. and if you still don't know it has something to do with my last post *wink, wink*

i didn't say anything to Keith and/or Emmett. ha. big surprise there. i told you you could guess. but okay i was thinking about this blog post while i was on the bus. i even thought of the whole guessing thing on the bus. i know - i am so geek-like, planning my blog out. anyways. i think my problem is that i have this big image of myself which is the same image everyone has of me which isn't true. and it is so big that i can't break away from it. it is so much easier to just do what i normally do and never say a word during class or to anyone other than my few friends. easy peasy lemon squeasy. but hey molly incase you didn't notice life isn't easy. i don't know if i will ever branch out and be the big outgoing girl that i am everywhere else except for school. i need some big incentive. wait who is saying that i need a big incentive, why can't i just go tomorrow and talk up a storm in all my classes? the only person who is prohibiting me is myself and i REALIZE that which just kills me even more. maybe it is all this realizing and putting it on paper that makes it so hard to break. i don't know. i need something. ha. okay i think i should be truthful to you right now because i am thinking that maybe i need someone to help me accomplish this. who is your mind jumping to? Abby. Abby is amazing and she would help me with everything but we are comfortable in the state we are in now, she doesn't need me to go out and fill these dreams of mine. these are my dreams. well i guess they are. okay so now you are saying who then? Mike Krupa maybe? molly how dare you even think that, you have never even met the guy before how do you except that he is going to help you overcome all of the insecurities you have? huh? why do you think that? maybe because abby talked so highly of him and we so certain we were going to be friends and abby knows me almost better than i know myself. but abby doesn't know him that well. so why molly? i think it is maybe that i am a dreamer more than a doer (note: i would like to change that). i always make out all these elaborate plans and situations with people, most of which never happen, but wouldn't it be amazing if this Mike Krupa whom i have never met ended up to be the friend i've needed? plus he could design a dress for me (yes i stalked his pictures on facebook).

uh i have to go now but i still have a lot to talk about like i am wondering what Mike is thinking right now while he is reading this because i know he will one day, whether it be before or after it is published the world will never know.

ah! i have to go but if you think something will happen does that mean it won't happen because if it did happen that means you can predict the future? think about it...

congrats. you just witnessed your first high school basketball game.

that i did. so i went because Maura was cheering at it because of the whole youth cheer thingy. anyways i miss the beginning but hey i still went. i was debating not going but instead i just did a half-ass job on my algebra homework but it's just homework. i'm glad i went though. i got to watch Keith run around and get all sweaty along with the other boys. hey i can't help it if i think he is good looking. too bad Emmett only played for the last minute.

anyways i have found out a few things so i'm going to list them so i can get through them quicker.

1) cheerleaders are extremely distracting and annoying. if i didn't have anything against them before i do now.

2) i think keith is cute when he plays. he keeps his hand on the player he is supposed to be guarding, like to make sure he doesn't slip away.

3) the basketball was rolling on the floor twice during the game. i asked my mother if that was normally happened and she said "at a Celtic's game? no."

4) maybe the highlight of the game was when a short blonde kid on the other team came over to their "bench" and said "does anyone on this team pass?" and the coach said "shut your mouth right now". then later when he got tagged out and they were losing he said, "fuck hampshire". i'm sorry but it was sort of amusing. i hope he didn't hear me laughing.

5) would you rather be the star player on the JV team or the bench warmer on the Varsity team?

6) i enjoyed it. i wish i had someone else to share the experience with other than my family but hey you take what you can get because i probably won't be going to another basketball game at all this year. too bad.

7) i didn't know half of what was going on. those hand gestures the ref was making? went right over my head

8) also i just wanted to mention that i noticed that Keith always passed the ball to someone else to run up the court and he was their rebounder. and if you were wondering how or why i noticed it was because i was watching him pretty much the whole time.

9) i sort of wished i was one of those boys out playing on the court. i want to know what it feels like to be in the court like that with everyone looking at you with all the pressure and your team surrounding you. sure i have horseback riding but let me tell you why that is different. first of all you are the only one out there and your horse and you don't pay any attention to the crowd except for your coach to make sure she isn't whispering something to you. also it isn't a winning vs. losing thing so most people don't get it. unfortunately you don't feel like that kind of pressure at a horse show.

10) if i wanted to be out there playing then think about the boys who were on the bench the whole time except for the last minute when the coach let them play because they were ahead and there was no way they could lose. that could partially be because they lost their last game after an undefeated season, Jayna said that Keith was practically in tears. don't sweat it Keith, i have cried several times after a bad ride at a horse show. anyways think about the kids who want to play basketball all the time. they go to all these practices then oh, we aren't going to let you play at all today. wait. last minute go ahead since we are winning. they want to be playing more than i do and yet they are stuck on the bench. that sucks. lucky horseback riding doesn't have bench like that except for when your team qualifies and only two members from each division can compete, those aren't pick are pretty much on the bench but not really since we all qualified individually too so we are all going to regionals. anyways i'm blabbering.

12) i think i might be done. i should be done since it is 9:12 and i still have to have a shower.

13) forgot one. i was thinking about telling Keith tomorrow "good game" or something like that and then telling Emmett that his one minute was stellar. or i don't know. maybe i'll say something during first period to Keith so Emmett isn't there. and i keep wanting to write Keither instead of Keith. i have no idea why. maybe because i write her a lot and my fingers are just automated to do that? anyways i probably won't have the guts to because it's completely different sitting here writing this blog and being at school actually in the moment. i have a track record of not following through or having the guts to do stuff. i should break that record. what do you think? i think that i haven't mentioned this guy Mike that Abby wants me to meet at all in this blog even though i have thought about him today. just thought i would mention that. and i think i should also mention that i'm sort of sick of Sawyer and he's not here. so it's probably a good thing he is gone. anyways. i'm ready for bigger and better things. i just have to find them.

edit: i forgot one thing. i wanted to say hi to Keith (just spelled Keither again) and Emmett because i know they are probably going to read this when i get it published. or maybe i will give them a personally signed copy. i'm sure i can afford to give away a few. anyways. hi Keith. hi Emmett. (:

hi abby!

so i'm going to direct this post to abby because she is amazing and she shouldn't hate the way she does things.

forgot about your sisters for a second and be proud of what you have accomplished. you are only 15 years old and look at the life you have. it is wonderful and amazing. you shouldn't have to comprise your life to anyone, including your sisters.

i know how you feel though. like when Maura got a 50 on a grammar test and i felt bad. Maura feels like she has to get all As and be like her sisters. we as a family have a ton of pressure put on us from our parents, especially my dad who expects us to be the top of our class. truth father? i am not the smartest in my class but i can ride a horse better than almost every person in my class.

Abby your sisters are going to figure things out themselves. they will figure out that you aren't perfect and they don't have to be like you. it will all work out in time. until then you just have to keep being yourself and trying your hardest.

okkay. enough of this corny heart-to-heart stuff because while important and true it gets kind of like already enough of this corny stuff. ha.

anyways Abby since i am still sort of talking to you/about you whatever, we shall talk about how she has sort of made my day today. anyways i saw her status earlier about making new friends and i was all like, yeah i want to make new friends too. and whatever. and then earlier today Abby IMs me on Facebook and tells me about someone i need to meet. long story short he is a gay improver who likes glee. yeppers. if you go back and look at some of my posts don't i talk about someone like he? let me look. i'll give you a date so you can revisit it. October 3rd is something. i know there is others so let me keep looking. found some September 25th. i know there was another one where i corrected myself so it didn't sound like i was a stereotypical jerk talking about gay people in a bad way. i hope you know by now i'm not like that. i'm one of those people who don't get the big deal about Obama being black because aren't we over that by now? yes he is the first black president but we treat whites and black and tans and purples all the same so it doesn't matter. make sense? anyways i'm not sure what point I am making here. but i'm exciting to meet him. i'm just a bit scared that he won't live up to the expectations that are not being put into place by Abby really wanting me to meet him and thinking that we will get along. anyways. i think that is all? i'm not really sure. i'm in a good mood now because now i have a new thing to think about instead of revisiting the guy who left our school or thinking about my single/friendless-minusone/nolife state. instead i can think about a possible new friend thanks to my best friend. woo. and i should include the convo we had just for you know. i don't know the word. credibility? record? whatever here it is.

OHH. so i got distracted for a second there and i started reading some posts from last January and guess what? it's been over a year since i made this blog! my first post on this blog was on January 6th! WOOOO!

another random point. i just read about when i first heard Grayson sick and how i discovered i'm a sucker for guys who can sing well? well, i also discovered i'm a sucker for guys who can cook. but then again i am also a sucker for pretty much any guy who can win over my heart.

anyways i got off topic. here is the chat. and i'll talk to you all later. today i'm in a good mood. yeah.

Abby

molly. i have someone you need to meet.

11:01amMolly

okay?

11:01amAbby

his name is mike. and he loves glee.

11:01amMolly

hahaha. okay dokayy.

11:02amAbby

just so you know. i am not thinking boyfriend thing. i am thinking he loves friends who like glee, and his boyfriend won't watch it with him.

11:02amMolly

good. i need new friends.

11:02amAbby

he is an improver.

11:02amMolly

from what town?

11:02amAbby

southwick.

he lives in tolland center.

that is like an hour and a half away

and they are a great team!

11:04amMolly

awesome! so you are arranging for another glee marathon then? XD

11:04amAbby

maybe, i need to get to know him a little better, and you should meet him. but he is deff. someone i think you should meet, and someone i think i will be friends with for a long time.

11:05amMolly

okay. sounds good. is his last name Krupa? i'm doing a bit of stalking. i looked on your friend's list and that was a Mike from Southwick. and now this means i def. have to go to your next improv alliance.

11:06amAbby

yes, yes you do. molly i know you will love him. and yes that is him

11:06amMolly

abby you are getting me all excited to meet him now.

when is your next show anyways?

11:06amAbby

good! he is a wonderful person.

no idea.

11:07amMolly

well as soon as you find out let me know. and now i'm in a good mood.

11:07amAbby

good! and i shall! i met so many people i wish you could meet them all! they are a wonderful group very similar to ours.

11:08amMolly

i wish i had went to your improv show now. but i'll be at the next one.

11:09amAbby

good. : ) we missed you. everyone (other than jayna and i) knows you as "the one girl who has showed up for us when there are far shows."

11:09amMolly

aww. i wish i went now. i wasn't doing anything but we just didn't get our lazy butts up to go.

11:09amAbby

lol i didn't want to go. but i am glad i did. we have a show just IA in feb.

11:10amMolly

i'll be there of course, it's at the school?

11:10amAbby

yes : )

11:10amMolly

okayy dokayy!

11:11amAbby

okay, but i need to go and shower, i just thought you and mike would get along.

11:12amMolly

okay. and thank you! XD

11:12amAbby

your welcome! have a good day okay!!

11:12amMolly

you too! see you tomorrow!

11:12amAbby

yes!! bye!

11:12amMolly

bye!

12:35pmAbby is offline.

hi again.

i always think of a wonderful idea for a story and it sounds great for maybe a week or so then it loses it's spark.

i managed to write a whole first draft of a novel. holy crap. congratulations.

now i need to edit.

molly i think you are a little crazy right now. it's 11:15. oh. okay.

but i just wanted to let you know what my next idea is. a sophomore is girl is going to have her sweet 16 birthday party. and right now she only has three people she could see herself inviting. so she tries to get as many friends as possible before then.

sound awesome? i think it could be. the theme song would be Say by John Mayer. and the main character wouldn't be a bubbly outgoing girl because then she would already have friends. i guess she would be like me but that is a dangerous road to cross. every character will be somewhat like you because that is all you know. you don't know how other people think, you just know how you function. so of course you are going to put yourself into your characters but if you put yourself in it gets complicated because you can't always see yourself correctly. you know what i mean?

anyways it's 11:20. oh did you want to see the other ideas i've had that i've written down? there was another one that i was thinking about but i can't remember it and i didn't write it down. i knew that was going to happen. well here they are. and just so you know i think they all pretty much suck but i'll keep thinking and playing with them. and good night.

Works at Nail Polish Store during Summer

Super Heroes that Live W/ Us

Airplane - everyone connected with a bunch of different stories. girl opens up magazine and crossword filled out - goes to a story about the guy who filled out the crossword. guy across the isle - story about him. Everyone has a reason and a story why they are on an airplane going from one place to the next

The Quest About Being Heard - blog style

Want a Big Sweet 16 Party - Tries to get as many friends as possible before then

this is a familiar situation. it's saturday night and i'm at home and i'm bored. i hope all those people at Avarie's party right now are having fun. cause i'm not. i already did some homework tonight and i don't want to do anything else and i'm not in the mood to edit my novel and my family has taken over the computer watching some show i don't want to watch and i actually don't want to be on the computer but i'm here.

shut up molly stop complaining. think about everyone else who is off so much worse than you. like those people in Haiti. or those women in certain countries who always have to be escorted by a man or cant show their face and are treated like dirt.

i'm extremely lucky and i take everything for granted. someone needs to take it all away from me. i don't deserve it.

heeeeey.

i'm a teenage girl.

and i don't know where to start.

this may sound weird but sometimes when i'm on the bus or at school or really anywhere i'll start writing blog posts in my head. most of the times i won't end up writing them done because i don't like writing the same thing twice, even though i didn't write it the first time but maybe i should correct that and say "think" instead because this is more like me thinking but making my fingers put my thoughts into pixels.

i actually thought about writing that into a blog. and i did. ha.

why is it that girls and maybe boys alike, i'm not too sure about them since i have never had one as a friend, need to be loved and wanted. they feel like if there isn't someone out there that loves them or wants them they aren't good or worth it or whatever. and a lot of girls have their family and a lot of them aren't happy with that. they need a boy, a guy, to want them and to need them and to love them to feel happy. some girls don't have a family either. which sucks but let's just pretend they have friends and family who care about them. nope. not enough. they want to be wanted. quoting from Taylor Swift: "when all you wanted was to be wanted". what is it about being wanted that is so appealing? does it sort of say, okay i am worth it. i'm not sure. actually i am but i'm not sure about how to put it into words. i have felt this before. i feel it all the time. the thought that maybe no one will ever love you or want you or need you. the thought that as you are walking through the hallways of school, seeing the couples, that maybe you will never have a couple. that no one in that school, no one anywhere would want to even walk side by side with you and bump shoulders. i've felt that before but i don't let it rule my life. i realize that most of those relationships you see aren't that wonderful and they are actually bringing the people in them down. maybe i just have too high of expectations. when i think about a relationship i want to have, i have so many little visions and things. should i start to list them? now remember if you are reading this now i'm a fifteen year girl at this time so maybe i'm just naive. i know i probably am. but so what, i'm fifteen, i'm supposed to be naive, i haven't had time to learn yet. anyways. i want a guy who knows everything about me. like everything. yet still loves me. i want him to know me so well that he knows what i am thinking without me even saying a word. i don't want to have to eat lunch with him everyday or spend every second with him because i know that he doesn't have to be with me all the time to be thinking about me or to still like me. because i will still feel secure. i won't feel insecure if he doesn't call because i know he probably just got caught up with something. we will trust each other. we will be best friends. he will make me want to be a better person and will help me. we will help each other. yet we can stand on our own too. and that feeling you first get when your crush walks into the room will never go away.

woah. yeah. i don't even know if a relationship like that exists. and i can tell you right now i probably will not find it in high school. and i'm sort of okay with that. i think i am most afraid that i will never find that or will miss out on it. that party i didn't go to because i didn't know anyone who was going was the party that had the boy who could have became him. when i decided at the last minute to chicken out and not go to the beach was when i would have seen him. when i felt like being a lazy butt and not going shopping was the one time where he would be at the mall when i would have ran into it. it's all these little things that scare me. what if? what if? what if? what if God is watching over me and making sure that these little things go my way? what if when it doesn't go my way He is making sure i am learning?

oh. another side note. what if i'm missing out on something by opting out of high school relationships so far? what if i'm missing some valuable information? like a learning experience. well it's not like i've turned down a relationship yet because i have never been presented an opportunity. but then again i never went out and got one for myself. i've never really wanted one but i've always been too afraid to want one.

but why am i talking about relationships? i'm going to do greater things in life then date the boy on the football team (another quote from Taylor Swift). i'm going to do greater things than high school in general. i'm going to do greater things than take the risk to wear the belt around my sweater. i'm going to do greater things than most people in this world.

new topic. people always say don't measure your success by money. you should measure your success by your happiness. what if becoming successful and making money is my goal and would make me happy? what if i'm not going to settle for less? does that make me a bad person? or is that what makes me different from the masses and that is what is going to get me to where i need to go?

or maybe i'm just a tired teenage girl.

remind me to write a blog tomorrow when i'm not tired. we need to catch up.

i should explain myself now seeing as i just left you will all of those questions but eh. i may not. mostly because i already discussed this with Abby but i can't leave my adoring future readers hanging. well i can and i'm sure i already have but here is the chat. or some of it. actually the whole thing cause i don't feel like reading through it and cutting stuff out. if i wasn't so tired i might actually you know write some more but i'm not gonna. and i should be editing my novel right now. or maybe working on the essay for english. or just sleeping.

AIM IM with Abby Torrey 1/19/10 5:11 PM

Molly Ronan

hiii Abbyy

Abby Torrey

hiii molly!!

Molly Ronan

howw are you?

Abby Torrey

i am making dinner!

Molly Ronan

wooo!

Abby Torrey

pasta is wonderful

Molly Ronan

it issss for suree.

anyways how was your day?

Abby Torrey

uhm diffrent

Molly Ronan

anything noteworthy happen?

Abby Torrey

uhm i threw a snowball at my sister...

Molly Ronan

hahaha. i'm sure she enjoyed that.

Abby Torrey

mhm and then i get a message from zach torrey : when is colin dying his hair?

confused i am

Molly Ronan

ohhh-k. that is very strange.

Abby Torrey

mhm

what about you?

Molly Ronan

my day was sort of boring, plan, and expected. except for when i found out that Swayer is leaving for good. wanna hear that story?

Abby Torrey

yes please

i heard today as well

Molly Ronan

well i was in english and people were like you're leaving us, abandoning us, blah, blah and someone was like this might be the last time i ever see you. i thought he was just dropping out of english honors so it wasn't until the second half of the period that i actually got he was leaving and going back to his old school. not that i blame him cause HRHS isn't all that great. but then i was sitting on the bus and i see him with some sort of box, probably for his ceramics or something, try to get into the school but it was locked so he leaned up against the wall waiting for someone to open it. and i thought about opening to window and saying bye to him but i didn't. then i wished it did. but it was too late. then i was going to write a blog about stuffs but then i didn't really feel like it and then i saw you were on and i missed talking to you so i talked to you and that is all that is noteworthy in my day i believe. yeah.

Abby Torrey

wow. you know he wouldn't mind if you kept in contact with him. he is going to miss everyone.

Molly Ronan

you know Abby i honestly don't think i will mostly because WAIT. i need to think about what i am going to say because all day today i have been battling in my head about self-image and if you can really change yourself and i was all gung-ho (is that how you say that?) about being more outgoing then i was like i should just accept who i am and blah. but honestly i don't think i will because i didn't have the guts to talk to him at school. correction. i don't have the guts to talk to anyone at school really. and i think it is weird to just have a relationship (like any sort not just BF-GF) over the internet. anyways that was sort of off topic but i haven't written a blog about this recently so that is sort of why i am trying to figure stuff out now.

Abby Torrey

okay. breathe. that sounds good right. innnnnnnn ouuuutttttttt iinnnnnn ouuttttttt.

better

Molly Ronan

lol, yes. i've just been thinking a lot this weekend yet i have nothing to show for it.

Abby Torrey

i am thinking a lot too. but mine won't be going up on a blog. mine is in a notebook.

but. i am there for you. if you need someone to help you be who you want to be. but i do love you for who you are.

Molly Ronan

i know this sounds sappy but i'm about to cry. it could just be because my emotions have been all over the place today but still. and you know that i'm going to hold you to that offer if one day i decide i'm going to take the "jump" and start the "quest". hahaha. that made me smile writing that. XD

Abby Torrey

well you can hold that to me for years if you want!

smile, it is good for your health.

Molly Ronan

i'm smilinggggggg.

Abby Torrey

XD now i need you to do me something.

Molly Ronan

okayyy?

i shall do it.

Abby Torrey

tell me three things you love about yourself. not like i mean you would die if you didn't have these features.

Molly Ronan

that's a really hard question. and is going to take some thought.

Abby Torrey

okay all the time you need.

Molly Ronan

first thing that pops into my head is my intelligence but that is an incorrect statement because i honestly do not think intelligence is inherited. i think it is something you earn or work for or you learn from your parents. but still i don't want to count that as one. but nothing else i coming to mind but that is just first thought. i'll keep thinking.

so the song Say by John Mayer just came up on itunes. i bought it the other day when i posted that on your status.

and this is the first time it's come up on shuffle

Abby Torrey

: ) i love shuffle

Molly Ronan

"living out the same old moment. knowing you would be better off instead if you could only say what you neeed to say"

Abby Torrey

what you need to say. molly i hate words.

Molly Ronan

abby me too. they don't do thoughts and feelings justice. maybe that's why i like writing. i like the challenge. i'm reading a book about a boy who was abandoned in the wilderness and he lived for years on his own then he was captured and they are trying to teach him to be like society. he doesn't speak to say what he needs to say.

Abby Torrey

sounds like me. i needed to talk to colin the other day. about our relationship and molly i have never before in my life felt that stupid and unsure and rediciulous. i knew what i wanted to say but not how to say it so i didn't hurt him or myself. it was horrid. and what is the name of that book?

Molly Ronan

-nod- understood. and it is called Victor. it is kind of confusing at parts but it's still pretty good.

i'm about half way done with it

Abby Torrey

okay. i'll finish my book then try to find it. i think it seems like a book i should read.

Molly Ronan

it is a book you should read

Abby Torrey

have you ever felt like you have no idea what you are thinking for feeling. you are just being.. i guess that is how you could put it.

Molly Ronan

yes. i know what you mean.

Abby Torrey

sort of like you aren't living. you are exsisting

Molly Ronan

like you're just there.

Abby Torrey

mhm

Molly Ronan

and like right now i have no idea what to type. i have so many thoughts in my head but i have no idea what i want to say or how to say it.

Abby Torrey

yes. that is me. it is like being in a class, and not knowing what is going on overall. but you aren't sure what question will help you understand bette

*better

Molly Ronan

yes then when a teacher says "what don't you get?" you have no idea what to say?

Abby Torrey

yes!

Molly Ronan

this human language is so flawed.

Abby Torrey

in so many ways!

Molly Ronan

new topic. i think we should plan to get the Twenty Tens together over Feb. break

Abby Torrey

not a lot of people are going to be around. but yes. the song is just about done too

Molly Ronan

well then you and i can have a meeting. and i can not wait to hear the song.

Abby Torrey

i really hope it works. i am really just randomly throwing things together

Molly Ronan

i'm sure it will but if it doesn't then it will be your stepping stone and it will make your future songs even better because you will learn from it

Abby Torrey

yes. that is what it is going to be

Molly Ronan

that is what i am calling my novel. my stepping stone.

Abby Torrey

the title? or it is a steping stone in general

Molly Ronan

just in general. but that is a good idea for a title.

Abby Torrey

ohh okay

i am going to go eat now. i'll talk to you later?

Molly Ronan

okay. bye.

7:01 PM

Abby Torrey has gone offline.

7:30 PM

You left the chat by logging out or being disconnected.

i really wish i did. i'm never going to see the kid again so why not? was it the self-image i have of myself yelling at me that i don't stuff like that? what was i afraid of? what people on the bus would say? since when do i care about what people say or think? oh right. since as long as i can remember.

whatever the reason. i didn't. so i'm moving on. hopefully i learned (or learnt?) something. i'm not sure.

i don't need a dance to feel beautiful.

i don't need a dance to have fun.

i don't need a guy to tell me how amazing i am.

i don't need a guy to feel good about myself.

i don't need friends to feel happy.

i don't need anyone but myself to be me.

i'm really tired. it's not even seven pm yet. it was a half day. i did ride and clean stalls and do horsemanship stuff but other than that i haven't done much.

guess what i'm doing this weekend? nothing. oh wait. i'm having dinner with my grandparents and aunt. fun fun. what are the rest of my friends doing? going to cotillion. whose fault is that? mine. i'm here complaining about it but really it's my fault i'm not going. i could have went if i wanted to. i would have probably been lonely, Stephanie would be dancing with Michelle or whoever and would be going crazy, Abby would have Colin and all her other friends that i'm not friends with and who else is there? Katelyn? yeah no. i don't even know if she is going. plus the last dance i went to wasn't that fun. it wouldn't be such a big deal if i was actually doing something else but i'm not. Maeve's sleeping over a friend's house on Saturday and Maura will probably find someone to hang out with. actually her friend is sleeping over tonight. so i'll be stuck home with the parents again. just like last weekend. whose fault is that? mine cause i can't make friends. again it's my fault. it's not that i can't it's just i don't. in other words i suck.

yay for weekends spent watching movies with my parents.

i need to stop complaining about it and do something about it. yep. not going to happen. why not? i don't know. i really don't know. right now i feel like going to sleep but i haven't eaten dinner yet. my dad is bring home pizza. my mom said that Maeve and I could go shopping with him but who the heck wants to be seen at the mall with their dad when everyone else is with their friends? i should embrace my family and not care because i love them but yeahhh.

i'm getting too afgdgkajfgkljadklfjadskfjakdsjfl. i sort of feel like crying. my period must be coming soon. i hate this. i hate how i'm the only person standing in my way but i can't get over it. gah.

i'm upset. both my sisters had friend-filled weekends. i didn't even see one friend. maybe that's because i only have one who i would want to spend time with and i can't spend every second with her. greattt.

new personal goal, well one to do with a friend. i would do this with Abby but i don't know how it would float her boat with her boyfriend. so i will have to find a single friend(s) that i feel comfortable enough to do this with. but thank you Seventeen magazine for this idea.

"With your friends, pick five locations at the mall (PacSun, the food court, etc.) and challenge yourselves to talk to a hot guy at each one!"

(:

okay. so you may not like the jonas brothers. and honestly i'm not a huge fan. i sort of liked them just because Katelyn did. i'm over that now. don't worry. but go and listen to Nick & The Administration's song Who I Am. I like it.

i'm giving up losing.

my mother is currently storming around because of something Maeve said. i don't think my mother feels like she is appreciated. i think my mother thinks that she does all this work around her. i think my mother should have known that this is what she getting into when she had three children. we aren't going to be like the animals she wanted to live with. she needs to stop being so moody and stop getting upset over little things that her daughters say when she knows they don't mean it that way. she is just over reacting. she ruined my night.

Yes by Abby

This is my last chance to do something

To show the world who I am.

I am someone who can do anything

No matter what I'm told.

And you what?
Yes, I can
Yes, I will
I can do anything at all.
Here I go unknowing unsure

Weather I will hit the floor.

But I've gotta' show the world that I will do anything everything to prove them wrong.

by saying
Yes, I can
Yes, I will
I can do anything at all
I need to prove to them,

to prove to myself that I can do anything I set my mind to.

I can do anything at all. anything at all. anything at all.