right now i feel like crying again. but it's strange. it's not like a really feel like crying. it's like i'm angry. now that i wrote that i know that it is true. i'm angry and upset and mad and frustrated. but not in the big obvious way. i just am.

i spent all day at the barn, for an extra 4 and a half hours watching Maeve and Bella be all chummy and "let's go on a secret mission" and sending me to go see what time it is and they were all like "i don't want to ride Murray, i don't want to clean my mom's stall, i don't want Aunt Carol to pick us up, i want to stay here and do nothing with my life!" by the end of the day i was sick and tired of Bella and Maeve.

then i got home and i was able to just skip away to my computer. but i had to listen to Maeve and Maura being all best friend like and wanting to play games. they offered for me to play with them but i didn't like any of those games. then Auntie Julie called and i think that really sent me spiraling into a bad mood. i do not like my auntie julie very much. just the way she talks to me and acts and says things. i don't like it. so when she tries to be all nice and everything it never works. i just end up getting frustrated at her. i don't want her to ever say "what?" to me again, just the way she says it. and then gakldgjalkdjfakldsfjkdjfaksdjflkasdjfkladjsfkljadsklgn

after Auntie Carol is done talking to Auntie Julie she comes down stairs and is like "is your mom home yet?" and i said "no" because she was still moving the trailer and going to the dump. 

- interuption, i just had to put my music on because i was sick and tired of listening to my sisters saying "happy birthday to ya!" and something else they were doing. and i knew i didn't block out the sound of their voices or listen to music i would have exploded. akdfjklasjfl -

and then she said "still?" or something. then she goes on and asks me if i knew if my mom was making dinner or something and i said i didn't know, she talked about making mac and cheese but i had just eaten because i didn't have lunch because I WAS STUCK AT THE BARN. and then she asks if we watched Hell's Kitchen, which is a series we all watch, which i hadn't because it was just on last night. so she asks if she can watch it and i say yeah but my mom was probably going to want to watch it but she could watch it anyways. so she says okay, i'll watch it later. just the way she said it frustrated me more.

i just want her out of my house so i can have my room back and she can stop getting in the way of our life. no, i don't know if we have any paper towels. i haven't had a shower yet because i don't want to take one with her right in the next room painting. and i feel like i am suppose to be taking care of her or something or i should know what to say when she comes down asking questions. I DON'T! i have this freaking pimple on my forehead because i haven't been able to clean my face because she has taken over my bathroom. i know that she is making this mural and blah blah but i was happy with the blue walls that we had before. the excitement from before has worn off, if i even had any. i just want my room back. i am sick of sleeping on the couch and being woken up at 7 listening to my mom and dad talking about stupid work stuff. i am sick and tired of work too.

my mother has to spend all morning and half the afternoon at the office. when i wake up in the morning she is gone and i don't see her until four o'clock. where does that leave me? stuck at home with my sisters who are driving my crazy. and since tuesday, with my aunt who asks me all these questions and agkjdlkfjadlkfjakdlsfjkldasjfa i don't knowwwwww. and then by the time i can get to the barn it is dinner time so my horse doesn't want to be ridden so i either have to fight with him to get him to want to be ridden and make a fool of myself like when i took off his halter to put his bridle on and he decided to go down the isle and i had no control over him so Lori Brogle comes over and puts on her official sounding voice and tells me what to do next time. i felt like crying then too.

and right now i'm the closest i have been to crying all the time i have written this.

another thing that is driving me crazy is stupid chinese lessons. i have to do chinese for 10 minutes each day which isn't a lot but it's hard to get around to doing especially when i don't want to do it. and if i don't do it, well my sisters do it so it just makes me look bad. it's hard to have a class with my sisters because they show me up. i'm the oldest so it is implied that i am the smartest and should be the best but that isn't true.

and another another thing is the stupid history stuff. i started it later than i wanted to and i haven't even finished reading the first thing and i have to read two things and write and essay on each of them. Katelyn already finished everything. oogjfdaklgjadklsfjakld. Katelyn has frustrated me too. i guess it was me that started to break away from her after something happened, oh right the Jonas Brothers at the movie theatre. it was pretty obvious that i was the odd one out. Haley, Danielle, and Katelyn were all chummy and i was left out, once again. it seems that i am always left out. which is another reason that i didn't end up going to the beach when Abby invited me, because i was afraid i would be left out, the awkward one that didn't fit in. i've been the person too many times and it doesn't get any easier each time.

i feel like that in my own house sometimes. maeve and maura are so close. i don't even feel close to my own sisters. and i can write about that more because now i am the closest i have ever been to tears. if my mother or sisters called me out on how i look right now i would start to cry.

isn't that horrible that i really don't have a friend that i can go to and talk to and tell everything? there is Abby who i love so much but i wouldn't be able to talk to her and tell her. when can i ever? we never see each other out of school. there is no big beach trips together to my aunts house. the one time we got together to see a movie was incredibly awkward. best friends shouldn't be like that. we may call each other twins but honestly we don't act like it. we aren't over each other's house ever other weekend. we are calling each other up. we aren't all over each other the second we come online and when we do talk on AIM we run out of things to say. what kind of twin like behavior is that? maybe i am just not cut out to have a best friend, or even a friend. cause right now i'm feeling pretty alone. and upset. and frustrated. and i just wish i was a little kid again when everyone was my friends, boys and girls, and no was mean to each other and everyone got along and there was no such thing as "awkward".

no such thing as awkward. how is so wish that was the case.