in a way i can't wait for school to start but then i really don't want to go back to that hell hole. i want a routine again. i don't want to be eating dinner at 8:30 every night. i don't want to wake up and be stuck home until 6 o'clock when my mother comes home and i see her for the first time that whole day. i don't want to be riding at 9pm. i want to have my normal schedule. but i also don't want to wake up at 6:30 everyday. i don't want to be stuck at school and deal with all the awful people and work though i miss my friends. i said that this was going to be my transformation year but it probably isn't. maybe i'll at least make some new friends and keep the ones i already have. if i had a friend in each class that would pretty much make my whole year and currently that isn't the case so i might want to change that.

i have a new goal. i want to be the motivation someone has every morning when they wake up. the reason that they keep going to school and doing what they are doing, i want it to be me. i know that probably sounds ridiculous but just think about it for a second. what if you are the reason behind it all? apart from parents and family because they always say that we, being the sisters, are the reason they do what they do. okay so truth, i am probably thinking about a guy here but that is just because i really wish there was one guy that fell for me. i can not name one except for maybe Ian in preschool/kindergarden but even that wasn't confirmed. the thing is maybe it will never be confirmed but it would be nice to know. just know that someone out there likes you in that way. unfortunately they may never live up to my horse. i already have the greatest guy in the world, Pride, so they will have a tough time living up to my standards. but the thing is, the guy that I want to end up with will break all my standards, it won't matter what i thought before because he will just be himself and that will be enough.

so my friend is an empath. do you know what that is? i had no idea when she told me. but it means that she can sense other people's feelings. she can send feelings to people. i believed her the second she told me. she tried sending me the feeling anger it didn't work out the greatest but i felt something. when i think about if i would want it for a second i think i would. i would be able to sense if someone was feeling nervous or whatever. but it's not like i could turn it on or off whenever i wanted to. it's a blessing and a curse. i really wish that Zoe/Chris lived near me so we could go to school with each other and actually see each other in person. my life would be that much better if she was here. but she's not and at least i have the friends that i do here and i have her on the internet.