this is a set of instructions. follow them. cause they are instructions.

hi. i am about to write a set of instructions to follow. i'm not going to tell you when you need to follow them because after you read them you will know when. and you will probably need to follow them a lot. i will have to follow them a lot. have i written them yet? no. then how do i know? i just do. use these instructions. you do not necessarily have to preform in order or completely but it does help to follow them in order and completely. the instructions will now begin

1) take a deep breath

2) take another

3) and another

4) repeat steps 1 through 3 as much as necessary

5) smile

6) if you just skipped over step five please go back up to one and start over until you smile

7) now that you have smiled mean it. smile like you mean it even if you don't.

8) take a deep breath

9) pull upon your inner strength which is always there and tell yourself you can do it, out loud if you can if not in your head. "i can do it. i can do anything"

10) face the world

11) survive

12) remember that you are capable of anything no matter what anyone tells you and you can survive anything

13) repeat as necessary

these are a set of instructions that were just written now and finished at 5:56pm on August 31st 2009 by a girl named Molly Ronan. there was no editing involved she just wrote as she thought. these are in no means suppose to be the instructions to anything other than what you think they are to but i can't promise that they are. thank you. and you can do it. i believe in you.

in a way i can't wait for school to start but then i really don't want to go back to that hell hole. i want a routine again. i don't want to be eating dinner at 8:30 every night. i don't want to wake up and be stuck home until 6 o'clock when my mother comes home and i see her for the first time that whole day. i don't want to be riding at 9pm. i want to have my normal schedule. but i also don't want to wake up at 6:30 everyday. i don't want to be stuck at school and deal with all the awful people and work though i miss my friends. i said that this was going to be my transformation year but it probably isn't. maybe i'll at least make some new friends and keep the ones i already have. if i had a friend in each class that would pretty much make my whole year and currently that isn't the case so i might want to change that.

i have a new goal. i want to be the motivation someone has every morning when they wake up. the reason that they keep going to school and doing what they are doing, i want it to be me. i know that probably sounds ridiculous but just think about it for a second. what if you are the reason behind it all? apart from parents and family because they always say that we, being the sisters, are the reason they do what they do. okay so truth, i am probably thinking about a guy here but that is just because i really wish there was one guy that fell for me. i can not name one except for maybe Ian in preschool/kindergarden but even that wasn't confirmed. the thing is maybe it will never be confirmed but it would be nice to know. just know that someone out there likes you in that way. unfortunately they may never live up to my horse. i already have the greatest guy in the world, Pride, so they will have a tough time living up to my standards. but the thing is, the guy that I want to end up with will break all my standards, it won't matter what i thought before because he will just be himself and that will be enough.

so my friend is an empath. do you know what that is? i had no idea when she told me. but it means that she can sense other people's feelings. she can send feelings to people. i believed her the second she told me. she tried sending me the feeling anger it didn't work out the greatest but i felt something. when i think about if i would want it for a second i think i would. i would be able to sense if someone was feeling nervous or whatever. but it's not like i could turn it on or off whenever i wanted to. it's a blessing and a curse. i really wish that Zoe/Chris lived near me so we could go to school with each other and actually see each other in person. my life would be that much better if she was here. but she's not and at least i have the friends that i do here and i have her on the internet.

if i wasn't half dead right now i would post about how frustrated i am. about how i hate my period because it makes me horrid to be around. how i hate feeling like crap while we are out shopping so all i want to do is go home. how i hate everyone showing me stuff like "how about this?". i hate not feeling like doing what everyone else feels like doing. i hate when i see something i like but i'm in too bad of a mood to stand up and say i want it. i hate when my mother says, "if you are going to wear it buy it if you're not then don't" because then it makes me feel bad. like this red sweater. i kind of want it but then my mother said that and i felt like crying. i became afraid of my mother. it was my fault i guess since i was moping around following her because i didn't feel like shopping, i felt like crap and i looked like crap. i looked at myself in one of the mirrors. i was in my t-shirt and my aunts huge sweatshirt. i looked like absolute crap and my haircut made it look worse. i think once i saw myself in the mirror that was when everything went down hill and i just wanted to go home and i didn't want to shop anymore. amazing how appearances can do it that. i tried to get my confidence back up and it was there for maybe a second but it was completely fake. so much for my self-esteem and confidence going back to school. i really hope that tomorrow shopping goes better and i don't feel like crap but tonight when i was going up to bed didn't help. my mother says, "get a good night sleep to get ready for shopping tomorrow" or something of the sorts and then Maura says, "she can just stay home" i said "thanks Maura" then ran out of the room and started to cry once they couldn't hear me. it's not like i picked today to be my crappy day. it's not like i picked to go to the beach before going shopping just to sit there freezing my butt off and end up ruining my bathing suit and shorts because can't figure out how to use a freaking tampon. it's not my fault i felt like crap. it's not my fault i didn't feel like shopping. it's not my fault i'm a teenager. but all at the same time it is my fault, because who else can be to blame? i really hope tomorrow goes well. and just a note, Auntie Lorrie and Maura, shut up during the tv shows, we really don't need to hear your comments especially since we all know already.

i'm not going to have a "sweet 16" birthday party or any birthday party when i turn 16. no celebration. no presents. no nothing. k? why? cause i just dealt with Maura's birthday party today and honestly i'm sick of birthday parties and i still will be when i turn 16. plus i don't want the expectations of my party to let me down. cause they will. if i don't have one then i'm all set. so no party next year and probably forever. k? k.

normally after a horse show i vent but this time i'm not. and if i was i would have done so yesterday. my horse was so good. i was so proud of him. i did cry once because he did one naughty thing and i had no idea why. it scared me. flashbacks to my old-never was horse. but then i found out he spooked at someone on the rail and he was perfect for the rest of the day. <3 him.

so frustrated right now. at maeve. she goes around telling Maura what to do. "did you wipe down the table?" "what?" "i told you to clear the table and wipe it down" it's like leave the kid alone! you aren't her mother. and then when i bring attention to it of course i am frustrated so it doesn't come out all nice and kind so she snapped back with, "I ask her to do it so I don't have to do it all myself" and i said "well sorry you are the perfect child" and she said "what do you want me to do leave the house like this?" and I said, "go ahead" and she ran up to her room and slammed the door behind her. doesn't she realize now that if Maura doesn't do anything and we do everything she just doesn't get credit for it? doesn't she realize that is how life works? doesn't she realize she can't tell Maura what to do when my Mother is gone from 9am to 7pm? I guess she doesn't but it is extremely annoying to hear her talk to Maura like that. i don't talk to them like that.

i am stick and tired of being stuck in this house with my sisters ALL DAY. my mother and father are both gone when I wake up and my mother hasn't been getting home until 6 or 7 and all she does it yell at us for not cleaning up and how she works all day and then she comes home and has to cook and clean. well she doesn't hear me bitching at her how we have done NOTHING all summer long because she and my dad have been working. i really hate it and so do Maeve and Maura, especially Maeve. this has been an awful summer and now i have an awful school year ahead of me. and now i'm crying and i have a half an hour until chinese lessons start and i have to clean the whole house. yay for summer!

KSDAGKDJGKLAJDGKLADJKLFJADSKLGNAEUHTEUWOjkflnklbn;

the little one who...blah. that's me.

so once again i chickened out. this time at least i got more than three extra hours of sleep until my dog woke me up. so by now it's sure that i am the one looking in on my twin doings. it's not like i want to be in them, well yes i do, i just know if i was there i would be awkward because other than Stephanie and Abby i'm not comfortable with anyone else. i know i told myself this was going to be my big year but it's not looking like it now. it sort of hurts every time i go on Facebook and see all those pictures from different social gatherings. like my twin's birthday party. i don't want to grow father away from Abby but crapping out of her one big thing she was planning isn't exactly helping. she told me i didn't have to go but i feel terrible for not going. but truly it's 9:30 right now and i'm exhausted like i'm ready to go back up to bed and go to sleep. so i guess this blog is about me telling how i am socially challenged making me an outcast with no friends except maybe two or three. hahaha. that's great. what's going to happen in school Molly when you don't have classes with Abby? what if you don't have lunch? are you going to loose your twin? she certainly doesn't need you because she has a whole bunch of friends that go to her beach trip and birthday and just hang out. you are the one who needs her. am i jealous? i guess so. but it's not like i want all of Abby's other friends to disappear. i just sort of want some of my own. you know friends. friends where you would never dream of changing the plans on. friends where you don't have to worry about it being awkward. which i don't have. i don't know if i have ever had friends like that. i don't know if i ever will. at least when i am running my big shot business i won't need any friends. i'll have my family. that is if i ever find a husband. another minor problem there. so now i will just do nothing for the whole day except go on the computer, watch tv, read, do chinese homework, eat, and clean because i have no where to go today except the barn. the barn. i do have someone i can count on no matter what. Pride. yesterday he was so great. we got our canter every time i asked him to. when i asked him to do something he had no idea how to do he tried. and when i was done i left the reins over his head so i wasn't holding him and he followed me wherever i went. that made me so happy. maybe this is why God had my family start riding horses, so i had a friend to visit everyday during the summer. 

i make a lot of mistakes.

right now i feel like crying again. but it's strange. it's not like a really feel like crying. it's like i'm angry. now that i wrote that i know that it is true. i'm angry and upset and mad and frustrated. but not in the big obvious way. i just am.

i spent all day at the barn, for an extra 4 and a half hours watching Maeve and Bella be all chummy and "let's go on a secret mission" and sending me to go see what time it is and they were all like "i don't want to ride Murray, i don't want to clean my mom's stall, i don't want Aunt Carol to pick us up, i want to stay here and do nothing with my life!" by the end of the day i was sick and tired of Bella and Maeve.

then i got home and i was able to just skip away to my computer. but i had to listen to Maeve and Maura being all best friend like and wanting to play games. they offered for me to play with them but i didn't like any of those games. then Auntie Julie called and i think that really sent me spiraling into a bad mood. i do not like my auntie julie very much. just the way she talks to me and acts and says things. i don't like it. so when she tries to be all nice and everything it never works. i just end up getting frustrated at her. i don't want her to ever say "what?" to me again, just the way she says it. and then gakldgjalkdjfakldsfjkdjfaksdjflkasdjfkladjsfkljadsklgn

after Auntie Carol is done talking to Auntie Julie she comes down stairs and is like "is your mom home yet?" and i said "no" because she was still moving the trailer and going to the dump. 

- interuption, i just had to put my music on because i was sick and tired of listening to my sisters saying "happy birthday to ya!" and something else they were doing. and i knew i didn't block out the sound of their voices or listen to music i would have exploded. akdfjklasjfl -

and then she said "still?" or something. then she goes on and asks me if i knew if my mom was making dinner or something and i said i didn't know, she talked about making mac and cheese but i had just eaten because i didn't have lunch because I WAS STUCK AT THE BARN. and then she asks if we watched Hell's Kitchen, which is a series we all watch, which i hadn't because it was just on last night. so she asks if she can watch it and i say yeah but my mom was probably going to want to watch it but she could watch it anyways. so she says okay, i'll watch it later. just the way she said it frustrated me more.

i just want her out of my house so i can have my room back and she can stop getting in the way of our life. no, i don't know if we have any paper towels. i haven't had a shower yet because i don't want to take one with her right in the next room painting. and i feel like i am suppose to be taking care of her or something or i should know what to say when she comes down asking questions. I DON'T! i have this freaking pimple on my forehead because i haven't been able to clean my face because she has taken over my bathroom. i know that she is making this mural and blah blah but i was happy with the blue walls that we had before. the excitement from before has worn off, if i even had any. i just want my room back. i am sick of sleeping on the couch and being woken up at 7 listening to my mom and dad talking about stupid work stuff. i am sick and tired of work too.

my mother has to spend all morning and half the afternoon at the office. when i wake up in the morning she is gone and i don't see her until four o'clock. where does that leave me? stuck at home with my sisters who are driving my crazy. and since tuesday, with my aunt who asks me all these questions and agkjdlkfjadlkfjakdlsfjkldasjfa i don't knowwwwww. and then by the time i can get to the barn it is dinner time so my horse doesn't want to be ridden so i either have to fight with him to get him to want to be ridden and make a fool of myself like when i took off his halter to put his bridle on and he decided to go down the isle and i had no control over him so Lori Brogle comes over and puts on her official sounding voice and tells me what to do next time. i felt like crying then too.

and right now i'm the closest i have been to crying all the time i have written this.

another thing that is driving me crazy is stupid chinese lessons. i have to do chinese for 10 minutes each day which isn't a lot but it's hard to get around to doing especially when i don't want to do it. and if i don't do it, well my sisters do it so it just makes me look bad. it's hard to have a class with my sisters because they show me up. i'm the oldest so it is implied that i am the smartest and should be the best but that isn't true.

and another another thing is the stupid history stuff. i started it later than i wanted to and i haven't even finished reading the first thing and i have to read two things and write and essay on each of them. Katelyn already finished everything. oogjfdaklgjadklsfjakld. Katelyn has frustrated me too. i guess it was me that started to break away from her after something happened, oh right the Jonas Brothers at the movie theatre. it was pretty obvious that i was the odd one out. Haley, Danielle, and Katelyn were all chummy and i was left out, once again. it seems that i am always left out. which is another reason that i didn't end up going to the beach when Abby invited me, because i was afraid i would be left out, the awkward one that didn't fit in. i've been the person too many times and it doesn't get any easier each time.

i feel like that in my own house sometimes. maeve and maura are so close. i don't even feel close to my own sisters. and i can write about that more because now i am the closest i have ever been to tears. if my mother or sisters called me out on how i look right now i would start to cry.

isn't that horrible that i really don't have a friend that i can go to and talk to and tell everything? there is Abby who i love so much but i wouldn't be able to talk to her and tell her. when can i ever? we never see each other out of school. there is no big beach trips together to my aunts house. the one time we got together to see a movie was incredibly awkward. best friends shouldn't be like that. we may call each other twins but honestly we don't act like it. we aren't over each other's house ever other weekend. we are calling each other up. we aren't all over each other the second we come online and when we do talk on AIM we run out of things to say. what kind of twin like behavior is that? maybe i am just not cut out to have a best friend, or even a friend. cause right now i'm feeling pretty alone. and upset. and frustrated. and i just wish i was a little kid again when everyone was my friends, boys and girls, and no was mean to each other and everyone got along and there was no such thing as "awkward".

no such thing as awkward. how is so wish that was the case.

i think it is time for a new post.

i just finished reading this book that i started today. i highly recommend it. i started it and i was pretty much in love because this girl seemed to be speaking everything that i was thinking. it starts in August before her sophomore year and goes through the whole thing. um. me anyone?

it's Waiting for You by Susane Colasanti

it's one of those books that i would love to write. a Sarah Dessen type of book. i read it in one day. it was wonderful.

"I love the beginning of the year. It's all about renewal and reinventing yourself, becoming the person you've always wanted to be. You can go back to school as a whole new person and have a totally different time. Every year I get all excited about how everything's going to be different, but it never really is. I'm tired of being disappointed. This has to be our year."

Another strange thing happened today. Alania Belanger wrote on my wall on Facebook. just out of the blue. i'll post our convo on here so far. i think my last one was a bit iffy. like i gave away too much info or said something that i shouldn't have. but whatever. i doubt it is going to do anything. i saw Alania at the library because her and her mother were running the wii game thing. Maeve ended up winning and she didn't want to play. but anyways. i'll put it up.

Molly Ronan we should! that would be fun! do you talk to anyone from WES on a regular basis? i still talk to Mollie in school but no one else really. it's weird how things change.

11 minutes ago · Comment · Like

Alaina Belanger thats awesomee!! my lifes good! a lot of running and dancing...we should def have an elementary school reunion. that would be soooo fun!

about an hour ago · Comment · Like

Molly Ronan hi! thanks, i think he is pretty adorable too. it's going great - i ride almost everyday and everyday i clean his stall but i love it. how is your life going?

3 hours ago · Comment · Like

Alaina Belanger hey molly! pics of ur hourse just popped up in my mini feed! he is gorgeous! how is the horse back riding going??

you have to read from the bottom up if you didn't figure that out.

another thing i would love to do is start a blog where no one knows who i am and people can just come and read it and can post comments and such. more people from our school, you know? talk about school and parents. i don't know how well it would actually work. this is inspired by the book i just talked about. maybe i'll try it. maybe not. it would probably have to be during school though. or start it now. Abby you would be the only one who knows because you are reading this now. but i'm not sure. i wouldn't want to give myself away and then it becoming a horrible thing. eh. knowing myself i probably won't. but isn't this suppose to be my big change year?

i sort of feel like talking about my horse but i'm not going to. i think i will stop now. i'm tempted to do what i said before right now. that is how it always works. i'm all excited about it now but it will fade off and i won't do it anymore. how will people even know it exists? i shouldn't do it. i should probably talk myself out of it. which i am doing now. okay. i'm done now.

where do i start? the beginning. what if i don't know where the beginning is? it's when you were born. i know that but i don't want to start there. you can start wherever you want.

blah. i'm too tired to write this.